Why Is It So Hard As Christians to Forgive?

Triggers, what are they and why do we allow them effect us?  Last week I went to the store 3 times in one day and twice I had to walk out before I would burst into tears. Some days it was better to not be around people at all. Monday was one of those days. I was a basket case and couldn't deal with life. So as to not break down in tears when Christmas carolers showed up, I became defensive, ornery, and a bit unkind. Rachel told her friend that I am not as strong as people sometimes think. She is right. To overcome the weakness of being out of control, sometimes we eventually become cold and numb to life. I sat through an entire Christmas program and felt nothing because I had shut down.
This is when we sometimes do and say stupid things because we have to find something to be in control of. That is about how my week went. The most interesting thing I have relearned from all of this is that no matter how Christian we are, it is hard to follow Christ when it comes to forgiveness. When I come to know I have truly made an error, I do everything I possibly can to correct that error. I try to make amends, I take responsibility for my actions. Sometimes I will even take the blame when I am innocent so others can feel better about their actions. It also brings me peace to know that when I have done all I can and others don't respond, I can turn it all over to the Lord and no longer carry the burden because He will. That is what the atonement is all about. The part that still stings is the gossip and comments of others but I guess that is in where the lessons lie as to not repeat our stupidities. So if anyone out there thinks I have done them wrong and I haven't said anything, it is most likely because I am unaware. It is nice to know we are all human doing the best we can and that we all make mistakes.
I can't say that this Christmas was easy, but due to wonderful friends it was made more enjoyable. My biggest mistake was not surrounding myself with family by leaving here, but we always learn the hard way. It was wonderful for our dear friends in Redmond to invite Rachel and I to have Christmas with them. In some ways it didn't feel like Christmas, but it wasn't painful like being home alone. It is always good to have excited kids around so that it adds to the magic. So again, we are forever indebted to the Munks for their kindness.

If All My Thoughts Were Released Right Now... Well I Am Too Nice Of A Person For That!

So what is really rambling around in my thoughts right now? Well, so many things I can't think straight would be a good start. Many people think the holidays are tough for me directly because of the effect of Mike's suicide on me. Not really. Most the time he didn't get me anything or do anything special for the holidays anyway. Our family did lots and he would often participate. Not always, but many times when I think of fun family activities it was just the kids and I. On Christmas Eve Mike would do a little program, but for many of our family activities he was in the background or even absent.
What is the hardest for me is watching how it effects my kids. My friend said it best recently when she wrote to me "...suicide loss does not "heal." The effects may stabilize, but the loss is forever felt. Personal values and beliefs are shattered. The individual is changed emotionally."  Marie has a family to focus on, Jeffrey has a future family to focus on, but Rachel is the one I feel bad for. I purposely take off around holidays to keep her mind busy and thinking about the present and not the past. This year for many reasons I won't go into, she requested to stay home. We still have 4 days before Christmas and this one has been the hardest so far. I can only imagine what she was expecting to happen, but none of it is and most likely will not.
It is my job as a mother to help my children. It is not meddling or causing drama when I need to find out if something is truly wrong or it it is just growing pains. For me this is even more important. I find I watch my kids more then normal to make sure there is no signs of real depression, like their father had. I watch for unusual behavior and yes, sometimes I act too quickly out of the love and concern I have for them. Fortunately when it comes to Jeffrey and Rachel it is always growing pains. Lessons that are hard to learn in life but will make you stronger in the end.
So how do Rachel and I get through this Christmas and New Year with just the two of us. Sounds kind of pathetic to do all the traditional cooking and activities with just the two of us. We have been invited to join a few families, and no offense to them but Rachel would rather at least be around kids her own age. It is tough during the holidays because it is a family time, so families like to be together. I guess that is where we were different and maybe she doesn't understand that. Our home was always open especially during the holidays.
We have a 'Red Plate' that Mike would set on the table every Christmas Eve dinner. It was a place set for Christ so He would know He was welcome at our table. On the rare occasion that someone showed up during Christmas dinner, well that is where they were sat.  'Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me.'
I am fine staying home alone or with Donna or going to one of the places we were invited. There are a lot of emotional triggers. Rachel, well I wish she could be surround by loving friends on Christmas Eve or day even if just for an hour, but I doubt she will impose and I will be left to deal with her sadness, and then we get to do it all over again on New Year's Eve and day. This is one break that I can't wait until it is over.

Jeffrey have fun back east with the future in-laws and don't forget to call on Christmas.
Marie and Chris, have fun with Ethan on Christmas and have him call me!

Well it is December. We got through November just fine. No one mentioned Mike's birthday during Thanksgiving and I was fine with that. I don't even know if anyone thought about it. I know Rachel had a hard day, but I didn't ask her why or bring it up. I have already moved on but in a lot of ways she has not. Rachel thinks of me moving on as forgetting or not caring about Mike anymore. I needed to move on a long time ago. A person cannot live in the past. She knows this but I still think it is hard for her to see me let go. Rachel is perfectly fine with me dating others after she is off in college and not around! Silly girl. I think it just scares her; she will get over it! I am grateful that Rachel and I got away during Thanksgiving and that we were able to spend some good quality time with just the two of us.

It was a good break for her right before the big Winter Wishes Assemble that she was in charge of at the high school. We both put a lot of time into the assembly. It was our way have having the Christmas spirit this year. Rachel and I will be spending Christmas at home by ourselves. Not bad, just kind of different and lonely. Oh well, Jeffrey will be back east with his fiancee and Marie, Chris and Ethan are staying at home.

On another note, why are people so angry and why do they tend to jump to the wrong conclusion? Just throwing that out. I am really getting tired of people who judge unjustly. Sorry just thinking about that lately. Well I want to go to bed before 1am for the first time in three weeks! Hope everyone is finding the spirit of Christmas somehow and somewhere.

Holidays Are Approaching

Well it is that time of year to make it through the holidays. I don't have to hard of a time. I think it is a lot harder on Rachel then on me. Thanksgiving is hard since Mike's birthday falls during that time. It really doesn't bother me but it does affect Rachel. She will be doing a college tour that day so hopefully we will keep her mind off of it. We tend to like to get away for the holidays to start new traditions. This year we will be gone for Thanksgiving but not for Christmas. Christmas it will be just Rachel and I . . . alone. Weird. Jeffrey will be with his fiancee's family and Marie & Chris are supposed to be with the in-laws. A few people feel sorry for us and have invited us to go to their place but they are all hours away and Rachel and I actually want to be home. Since there won't be much to do with presents with the two of us, Rachel suggested we do most of our gift giving to the Winter Wishes program at the high school. That is cool with me. If anyone else needs a good cause to donate to during the holidays, let me know! I have connections....

Anyway, life is good. I am recovering from surgery on my middle finger, which is a bit awkward, but doing fine. I managed to get the yard all taken care of before winter sets in. Now I need to do a run to the dump. I still have junk of my moms all over the place that I have been going through. Need to get that stuff out of the house and garage soon. Almost to late to do a garage sale. Spent a lot of time scanning her pictures so the family can all have access to them. So life is busy and good. Had a few trials but they are just there to strengthen, so we move on!

I still have the best kids in the world and love them a ton. I guess right now I can't complain!

Letters, Photographs, and Saved Treasures Can Tell You A Lot About A Person

I have spent a lot of time lately going through my mother's stuff. I think she saved every paper that ever crossed her path! I had a lot of fun finding lose photographs from the 1940's and 50's. I scanned most of them and then put them in a pile of who should get the picture based on who was in it. I also plan to make a disk for my sisters so they can have access to pictures I might not be sending them. It takes a lot of time and energy. Sometimes I have to walk away for awhile. I have tried to photograph as much of her stuff as possible and send pictures to my sisters so they feel they have had a good choice asking for the things they want. I have seen to many families get pulled apart after a death by a selfish executor or greedy family member.
I enjoyed sending each of the grandchildren and great grandchild a check from her estate. It was small, but it was something. I love family and I hate to see it pulled apart by distance and disagreements. Always the peace maker, that is me. I will often take full blame for something just to save a relationship, even if I wasn't the one at fault. I just like to be happy and I like others to find happiness.
Today was cool and also sad going through things. Mom had a lot of binders full of stuff. As I went through them throwing out all the articles she kept from magazines and newspapers what was left were a lot of cards and letters. I noticed a sad trend; almost all of the letters and cards were from me and my kids. It saddened me that we didn't write even more. It must have been lonely for her sometimes. It also made me happy to know we tried. I hope someday when I am alone my kids will remember and teach their kids how important letters and cards are for grandparents. Because she kept all the letters we sent her when we lived in Korea, I now have a better journal of our time there.
We as a society need to remember that with all the fancy technology, a handwritten letter or note to someone has a huge impact. I am glad my kids tried to be a large part of her life. Now I understand better why they all had such a nice relationship with her. Maybe I shouldn't say this but I can also see why she always told Rachel that she was her favorite. She was closer to Rachel then she was to the rest of us and I can see that by going through her stuff. Interesting.

Sometimes I Want to Shut this World Out of My Life

Today has been a slow day, slow in the sense that my mind won't stop dwelling on certain things so I can get other things done.  I find it interesting that what started out as just letting my thought get out of my head and not really thinking people would care to read them, turned into having so many hits and now things I can't discuss because of who may read it! I need a vacation from this town, my computer and life in general...is that possible?

Good News/Bad New
#1 Good news is I beat the IRS! The case in now closed and they own me over paid taxes. That is pretty amazing to state when just 2 years ago they wanted over $90,000 from me for 15 years of extensions filed, over paid but never completed and I fought most of the battle alone. I have to thank Maria Cantwell's office for finding me a tax advocate to help me settle the last 4 years that the IRS was fighting with me on. It is over and I won! No lawyers, no fees, no payments, just hard investigative work on my part to prove their errors.
#1 Bad news is I will probably never get back the investment I made right after Mike's death to someone I thought I could trust but was wrong.
#2 Good news is I have amazing children with high standards that I can trust and who have always told me the truth. That is an amazing thing in this world of sin and confusion. They are my rock. In fact, a lot of the time they are way better then I am.
#2 Bad news is that bad decisions on my part, have led to gossip and problems for the one child who is so strong in values that anyone who truly knew them would never even suggest such a things.
#3 Good news my youngest, Rachel, was crowned Homecoming Queen last weekend. She was truly shocked. I didn't know if she would win or not but I new she deserved it. She has changed so much over the last four years and has really tried to come out of her quiet, shy, shell.
#3 Bad news is some people see her shyness as stuck-up and snobby. Guess they don't know her well enough and that is too bad. She hates her time wasted. She is so broken heart when some teases her about things out of her control. The other night at the homecoming dance, she missed the Royalty dance and Andrew the King was left on the floor until someone else joined him. Some gossiped that she was off with her date. Truth was she was told Royalty pictures would be at 9 in the little gym, so the went over at 8:57. No one ever told her the dance was first. They waited at the pictures and when everyone showed up they told her she missed the dance. She was horrified and feels awful and people won't let it go. It was an honest mistake and no ones fault, just something that happened.

Love To You and Your Family Kim

This posted by Kim says it all:

R.I.P. best mommy i could ask for. i love you mom. always will. Clara Vaughn Duce October 28, 1963-October 11, 2010. ♥   Kim

Life Is Too Short

I am going on with life like normal, but one of my teenage friends is losing her mom to cancer as we speak. I feel so helpless in what to say or do for her and her family. It is so strange how after going through loss myself, I still find it hard knowing what to do to help others. I can't change the outcome of what is going to happen. I can't tell her everything will be fine because for a long time it won't. It is hard to lose a parent, but as a teenager it must be painful. I know for Rachel every time something new comes up she can't share it with her dad and it is hard. It makes me cry when I think of both these girls growing up without one of their parents. They are definitely both strong girls, but also very sensitive. You have to keep going knowing that there is a bigger picture. God has a purpose even if we don't understand it. My friend has some rough weeks ahead of her. For now I do know I can pray and give her my love. That is the one thing I constantly needed, the love and prayers of others. Just to know someone is thinking about you helps tons. I love you and your family Kim, hang in there. I will always be available for mommy hugs...I am good at that.

Staying Afloat

It has been a long time since I wrote anything on here! I have been working on proofing the book version before I give it to the proof readers...okay that sounds weird but I am trying to limit the errors!

September was a busy month. I worked for the school district everyday but 3. That makes me one busy substitute! I agreed to work 1/2 days every Tuesday in the office and that will be fun. I am also in charge of the class of 2011 graduation party. That is a major big deal here. I am enjoying it so far and the people that have stepped up to the plate are wonderful. That and substituting will keep me busy this year.

As for life at home, well with every free moment I have I go through boxes of my mom's stuff. Most of it is junk but may have sentimental value to one of us kids. So I have been taking photographs of everything and putting them on a document to send to my sisters so they can see what they want. This has been a huge undertaking. Getting the stuff up here, well that was an experience I would like to forget but it may take awhile. One of the reasons I haven't been on here is because I didn't know what to write about that weekend. I still don't, so maybe I will wait until the words come to me. I will say I was very disappointed in my mom's partner, but I guess people grieve in different ways.

So I guess I am moving forward everyday and trying to stay ahead of it all. I don't feel like I am drowning, I just feel like I am barely getting things done! Life is still good, my kids are all happy, my grandson is the cutest little guy on earth so no real complaints here.

I have had some great times with the teens here and on our trips to Redmond, football games and shopping. Now it is time to start saving $ for our next adventure and time to go dance in the living room....one of my favorite songs just came on!!!

Some Days Are Just Meant To Be Off Days

I guess it is a good thing that life is never dull. School started this week and my dream job position is open at the high school. Having said that, I am not going to apply for it : (    There is no way I can work full time this year with Rachel graduating. She is the senior class president which means I get the honor of heading up the senior class party after graduation and Jeffrey is getting married in May. I still have two estates to close out, Mikes and my moms, plus I have to still tend to my aunts needs now that she is home from rehab. So for now, I will enjoy substituting and having fun when I can. I love the students at the high school. They brighten my day!
I have had a lot of good laughs lately but I have also had a few cries. Last Sunday I had a panic attack, weird just weird. I had a lot of stress trying to work out details for picking up my mom's stuff. On top of that, I was told about another suicide. It was how it was presented that bothered my more then the suicide itself. For some reason the effect was overwhelming to me and as I drove to my aunt's I couldn't breath and started crying. I guess things like that will go on for a long time depending how it hits me.  
On the other side of life, I have had a lot of good laughs with special friends and have found myself smiling more then normal. So even with the days that things are off a little, life it still good.

Words Spoken or Written Can Be Powerful

I recently posted a thought on my FB status that has really caused me to think...imagine that!  I learned a long time ago to choose my battles wisely, but choosing my words wisely has been more difficult and come with a much high cost. Words can be spoken with feelings of love, support, kindness and understanding or with hurt, pain, deception and anger, and once spoken, they can't be retracted. 
I can think of words that should have been spoken more like "I love you" and words that could have been spoken less like "I, me, and you," used in the wrong way. This week I spoke up once and actually misjudged, spoke unkindly and was way out of line and twice this week when I wanted to rip someone's head off, I kept my mouth shut. So how do you know when to speak up and when to shut up? 
A good guide to that question might be to speak when it is uplifting, kind or at least done in a loving tone. If what you want to say is a jab, rude, hurtful and just to get back at someone, I guess that would be a good time to bite your tongue. What if the other person doesn't realize how rude or mean their behavior is, well I guess that is their problem to learn from!  It is just frustrating when something becomes a topic of gossip. 
Thought to self: is it really gossip if the party talking was involved in a situation first hand? I guess if it leads someone else to believe in a falsehood, it could be...interesting. 
I also learned that there is no such thing as constructive criticism. Criticism is criticism. Even if you give it in a constructive manner it is still criticism. Words spoken or written can be very powerful. 
So with my first encounter this week, I quickly apologized and made adjustments to my thinking. With the second incident, I tried to smother the other person with kindness and love and with the last incident I ignored it. I know the truth and that is all that matters, others can think what they want and so be it. Which one do I feel best about? The middle one, smothering the person at fault with kindness. Hard yes, but at least my conscience is clear.

A Start At Thinking Clearly

Sometimes it takes the intelligence of someone else to help us gain our perceptive back. Thanks to a patient teenager, who lives outside the walls of our home, I learned some valuable lessons today. It also opened a flood gate of tears that have probably been backed up since my mom passed away. So I guess it was good to finally let loose and cry. The fact that I had just finished putting on my make-up was a pain but it also enriched the reality of my errors.
We all make little and big mistakes in our lives but owning up to them is hard. If I recognize the mistake, I am willing to own up to it quickly and recognize where I was at fault. The step after of forgiving ourselves, is more difficult for me. It is often harder to forgive ourselves.
So what did I learn . . . again, I believe we often learn the same lessons over and over until we get it right, well I learned:

1. Don't judge unless you are in a court room or have authority. If you only have bits and pieces of the information your judgments will be in error.
2. Be quick to recognize when you are at fault. There is nothing worse then a friend who won't admit they made a mistake.  
3. Be loving and compassionate. The written word even with good intentions can be misread. If you have a problem talk directly to someone with love and compassion so information is accurate. 
4. Trust people who have earned your trust and don't keep making them re-earn it.

It is amazing how much we can learn from our mistakes if we are teachable. I know I learned a lot this time around and I am thankful for a wise youth that can easily forgive.
As for being so emotional? I just went to a spiritual education week full of classes and couldn't bring myself to attend hardly any of them. Maybe I needed to have a good cry and didn't want to do that in front of people so my emotions were very guarded and I stayed away from things that might touch me. I haven't slept much so I know I am not thinking clearly. When I have too much time on my hands, like the 15 hour drive we just did, I tend to think too much or blast music in my headphones so I don't have to think. Which is odd since the lyrics often make me think more.  Oh well, now I have a whole day at home and all I can do is think.
Thank you to all my patient friends who are guiding me through the lessons of life. I believe it is time now to go get a cup of cocoa, sit by the fireplace, work on forgiving myself for stupid mistakes, and 'think' about what the next step is in my life.

Farewell To A Wonderful Mother

What a crazy week. My mom has been living with her high school sweetheart for the last 13 years in Vancouver WA. I had never seen her happier. Since my moms passing my heart has ached for him more than anyone. I drove down Wednesday afternoon and picked Phil up and then we started the two day drive to California. We had a  lot of laughs and a few tears on that drive.
Earlier in the week, I had talked to my sisters and we decided that mom would want everyone there, so we arranged for all the grandchildren to be able to fly in that were far away. Every one of her children, grandchildren and great grandchildren (except for one week old Aalleai and her mom) were there. We kept things simple but beautiful. After Jeffrey gave a short message on John 14:27, we had what I like to call a living eulogy. Everyone told a favorite memory about grandma. It was awesome to hear the different relationships everyone had with her. If there was one thing constant in all of it, it was that we recognized the wonderful change in her after Phil came into her life. It is also gatherings like this that we regret the time we didn't spend together that we could have.
One of the favorite memories of mom was whenever you went to a restaurant with her, she would always blow the straw paper at some unexpected diner at the table. Without fail she always did this. So Danel, my sister, spoke about that and then blow a straw paper for mom. There where also straws in some of the flower arrangements! What a fun memory. It was interesting to see how different she was at different times of her life. After my dad passes away in 1982, she was more nervous, scared and  worried. When Phil came into her life she changed to playful and calm. Amazing how someone can bring such comfort to a person that there is such a noticeable difference.
After the service, we went to the cemetery and Jeffrey dedicated the grave. So much responsibility has fallen on that young man and he has always handled it so well. It was wonderful to see my sisters and nieces and nephews. They are strong wonderful young people. I love to see how unique and strong each one of them have become. They have survived well the insanity of our family!
After everything was over, we drove to a local restaurant and had a great time socializing. You can imagine with 30 people in a restaurant there were straw  papers flying everywhere in honor of mom. I think mom would have been pleased. It is sad that in this world of constant change, we live so far apart that it takes something like this for cousins to get to know each other better. With all the crazy stuff going on, our family isn't so bad now is it?

Too Many Emotions for 24 Hours!

On Sunday night, Jeffrey called to tell us he was formally engaged. He had told me a few days earlier it was going to take place, so it wasn't shocking or anything. We talked about how it happened and what the plans were. Then of course I sent out an e-mail to tons of friends and family. He asked me if there was anyone I thought he should call, like grandma. Well it was about 9pm and I figured that the rehab facility she was in had already put her to bed, so I told him to call her in the morning.
I have learned over the years that when a call comes in before normal waking hours it usually is not very good. So at 5:30am when my phone rang and I saw that it was my mom's love Phil, I knew it wasn't good. Through tears and anguish he told me that my mom had passed away in her sleep at 5:15am. I was shocked. She was doing so well and improving so much everyday. We were both in shock.
As he left to go to the center to see her, I called my sister. She was shocked too. We had both just been to see her and she was doing so well. After the stroke two weeks earlier mom had already gained the mobility of her right hand back and was even feeding herself. I called the rehab center in hopes, I guess, that there had been a mistake made. No mistake. In fact a lot of apologizes for not calling me first as next of kin and power of attorney. I was so glad that called Phil first.
As you can imagine, I couldn't go back to sleep. It was a bit early but I started to gather information that I would need like addresses of the funeral homes, cemetery, relatives, etc. I was already to start taking care of things by the time it was 9. The mortuary in Vancouver was a bit more difficult to work with then the one in Petaluma where she needed to be shipped, but we got everything taken care of. At times like these you go into this numb state of just having to get things done. I am good at that.
In the mist of dealing with all of this, I had to go to an appointment for my aunt with the rehab center she is at. Well I walked in 5 minutes late and everyone is sitting there and my aunt blurts out, "always late aren't you." May I say in my defense that I am not always late. I am often late when dealing with her just because I have to get in the right frame of mind! Anyway, I stood in the doorway and just blurted out, "Donna, my mom passed away this morning." Of course everyone sat there not knowing what to do or say while I realized the my mom was also Donna's sister. So I chuckled and said, "you are right, I am always late. Thanks for making me laugh for a minute." We hugged and shed a quick tear and then got down to business.
Now remember, my son just got engaged and then my mom passed away. Now I am sitting in this meeting being told that Donna could be released on the 25th but had to go home to 24 hour care and could she come to my home...  Let's just say I sat there in a daze shaking my head and saying yes because she is family and what else am I supposed to do? My head was spinning and the walls were closing in.
After arriving home, I started to realize I could not do this to my daughter her senior year. I could not do this to myself. I don't have the strength physically, spiritually or mentally. Fortunately I was able to talk to my Bishop who agreed that we needed to find a better way to take care of Donna. I felt some relief and then went back to making the arrangements for my mom.

How Do You Survive?

I recently talked to a friend who was in a business relationship with someone who suffered from depression. They stated that it was so hard because things could change so quickly and this business relationship was only for a few years. Then came the statement I often get. How did you survive 27 years of marriage under those circumstances? They had a small taste from a different kind of relationship and could see how it must have been incredibly hard. There was empathy and understanding between us.
So how do we survive situations like that for long periods of time? Some people are in denial. They don't want to accept or admit that there is a problem. Some are enablers, some try to fix the problem while the person walks all over them. Some are angry or scared and run from the problem and some know how to love unconditionally. I would like to say that I was mostly the last one and tried to love unconditionally. But honestly, I was a little bit of everything. Especially after being in a relationship with someone who suffers from depression for so long. You go through all of it and there are good days and bad days. I just like to think I went through it better then most so that is why I hung on for so long.
I have also found that generally I can spot someone who suffers from depression pretty quickly. I can see it in how they treat people, their mannerisms, what they say and how they say it. If I am around them for very long I can see it in their body language. I guess that is a gift I now have after living with a depressed person for 27 years. But it is still difficult to know if it is what I call situational depression or if it is clinical and life long. We all go through situational depression in life. It is how quickly we can bring ourselves out of it or if we can even bring ourselves out of it that is the determining factor.
I believe counseling is good for all people from time to time. You don't have to be sick or insane to see a psychiatrist or marriage counselor. You just have to make sure it is a good one. For me, my counseling sessions are between me and a friend and they are free! It really is great to have friends who listen and a blog that gives me the chance to express myself. It is my therapy and it is free, but I don't suffer from depression either.

Making Sense of Everything

I am so tired. After spending 8 hours on bills and stuff for my aunt, I drove 4 hours to see my mom. I am not so sure I am ready to handle two estates when my own hasn't closed yet. Let's just hope that my aunt and mom both recover quickly and go back to taking care of their own things. Not because I don't really want to but because I want them to recover.
Spending time with my mom was happy and sad. She wasn't real bright before the stroke but now it is like talking to a three year old that is learning to talk and walk again. She smiles a ton and has some fun expressions. The workers LOVE her because she is so easy to take care of.
From one minute to the next she can't remember things. I made her a picture book with lots of family pictures and our names so she could look at it and then put lots of pictures on the wall in her room. There is one picture of her from 1947 that is beautiful and she always knew it was her. The other person she picked out the most was Rachel my daughter. Rachel and mom have always had a good bond. Mom had to live with us off and on from the time Rachel was about 2-4. During that time they would have tea parties and play together. It was fun for them both. For some reason as a toddler Rachel called her grandma Dede and that has always stuck for them. I was glad she could remember Rachel.
She would often think I was her sister. If I asked her to repeat something I said, I would have to be careful because she would literally repeat everything I said. I took her on a walk around the rehab center and a gentleman in a wheelchair said hi to her.  I told mom to say hi to the man and she said, "Say hi man." It was kind of funny. He was a bit puzzled since he had said hi!
They are taking excellent care of her and Phil is there everyday. He had to go out of town so I went down to be with her while Phil was gone. It is hard because they have lived together for 13 years but never married. That meant that I was given Power of Attorney for her and he felt excluded. So I made sure everyone knew he could have all knowledge of her condition and they could call him for information. I told them to treat him as her husband. He cried when I told him that. He definitely loves her.
The best way to describe her situation would be to say she knows things but when she talks something different comes out and then she stares off like she is wondering why those words came out. It is like her mind is working but it can't come out.
I have to say, I am glad that when Mike took his life it ended quickly for him. If he would have survived and been in the hospital messed up, it would have been even harder on all of us. There is still a lot of healing to do. I recently came across something that one of my children wrote. About a year after Mike's death, they started locking them self into a room and hurting themselves, mainly using a curling iron to burn their arm. It puts the pain into a different area of life. I am glad to know that was a phase that came and went quickly, thanks to a caring third party that had a major impact in their life. 
You cannot push depression aside and pretend it isn't real. You cannot assume everyone is fine a year or two after a suicide. You cannot expect survivors directly involved to get over it. It takes years of pain, tears, questions, guilt and figuring out how to let go of it all and be happy again. I am one of the lucky ones who can move on and be happy. . . most of the time.  

*WARNING NOTICE* and Just Surviving

WARNING NOTICE - I am actually working on my book that is based off my blog. I plan on including all comments. They will only have a first name attached to them and any private info that may have been in a comment post is being removed. IF YOU DO NOT WANT A COMMENT PRINTED OR YOUR FIRST NAME ON IT you have 30 days to contact me and let me know.

Having said that, working on a book is difficult.  It is making me revisit everything and that is hard. I have finished about 133 pages and am working on cleaning them up right now so the font and stuff is all uniform. It is a huge undertaking and I guess my next step is finding a proof reader (I am awful at spelling even with a spell checker!) and a publisher. Rachel said after the book tour (haha) we should travel more! I am hoping this book will actually sell. I would like to donate some of the proceeds, if there are any, to NAMI - National Alliance on Mental Illness or the Suicide Hot-lines/Prevention. I wrote an introduction about life leading up to the blog so it helps people to truly understand what our family has been through.

Now onto the "surviving" part in the title. We arrived home from our trip abroad and Rachel took off for another 3 weeks of visiting family and different camps. I have seen very little of her which means I have been alone a lot. That might not have been the smartest thing to do. It has been very lonely around here. I did have Max a German foreign exchange student living here for two weeks, but he was gone a lot of that time. I have found myself wasting a lot of time and accomplishing very little. There have been no tears, but I have been melancholy and just bla.

I am trying to deal with my aunt who is recuperating in a rehab center and now my mom had a stroke and is in one too.  I am Power of Attorney for both of them and the demands sometime are overwhelming. My aunt and mom need me to do a lot of financial paperwork for them and I don't want to deal with it sometimes. Believe it or not, to escape I have gone out and done yard work. Yes you heard me correctly, I have been willingly going out to do yard work. I pulled out 125 feet of wire fence and redid 5 tree planters. Not bad for someone who hates working outside.

I find I am not eating properly or at all sometimes. Right now it is like I don't mind being invisible and am fine not talking to people. On the other hand, I received a few calls lately and I really enjoyed the company of the callers. Spiritually my life is a wreck. I find myself playing loud music so I don't have to think. I hope I snap out of this soon because I am starting to miss the other me!

What Now And Where Do I Go From Here?

I have had a lot of time alone the last few days and I am trying to figure out where I fit in and what I want to do with my life. I have one year left with Rachel at home and then what do I do? Here are some interesting things I have observed. They are just observations, not bad or good and I certainly don't mean any of this negatively.
Last week when we arrived back from Europe, we stayed the night in Redmond. I felt so at home. Going to church the next day after being gone for 3 Sundays was like going home. So many smiles and friends. I love just hanging out and talking to the Calvert's and Munk's and feel so at home there. Granted I always spend time with the teens more then the adults, but it just feels so comfortable.
My kids are all in Utah visiting each other. Max, a Germany foreign exchange student from 2009, is here at the house visiting his friends so I am not totally alone. But in the last 4 days the only time the phone rang was when Phil was calling to tell me how my mom was doing (she suffered a stroke last Sunday) or telemarketers begging for money I don't want to give them. I did go to lunch with my friend from Redmond who came over for the lavender festival, I also worked the parking lot fundraiser with the cheerleaders, and I walked around the festival for awhile with one of my favorite families. I also spent a lot of time home . . . alone.  Now that isn't necessarily a bad thing, but it made me think. What am I going to do after Rachel leaves? I don't like being in this big house alone and honestly, I don't have very many friends here that I can just drop in and bug like I did in Redmond! I went to church and sat alone today, one teenager came up and gave me a hug then no one really ever smiled or spoke to me unless I started the conversation or it had to do with the classes. I tried. I started several small conversations, but I just don't feel like I fit in around here. Of course I do with the teens when they are not all gone on vacation! So my question again is what am I going to do when Rachel leaves? I love my home but hate the yard. I like the weather here but not the seclusion from the city. There is really no opportunity to date or meet people around here. I am down 45 pounds but still look heavy so I doubt I stand out in the crowds of singles! HAHA!!! So let's say after Rachel leaves I can do anything or go anywhere I want. What do I want to do? I have no idea. I can't keep traveling and having people take care of the house and animals. I am not a bottomless pit of money! Although that sounds like the funnest thing to do! I would go to England, Danmark (that is how they spell it), Australia, South American Ruins, Panama Canal, Washington DC and Fuquay-Varina NC!!! Then maybe I could come back and teach history or geography and make it come to life. But if I did that I would never get the chance to date and plant roots so I feel more at home. I could just stay home and write a book which would save money so I could pay someone else to take care of the yard! It is amazing how we have are lives planed out then something happens to change it all and then we don't know what to do. I guess it is a good thing I have a year to figure it all out. Maybe I should spend that time making friends and feeling more at home where I am.

An Amazing Trip With My Daughter - Then Back to Reality

It is always fun when you can spend time with your children. Rachel and I had the wonderful opportunity to go to France and visit our exchange student who has come to our home twice now. Since we were going all the way to Europe, I asked Rachel what other country she would like to see and she picked Italy. So we spent 4 days in Rome, 1 in Florence, 1 in the Cinque Terre and 4 in Venice. Then the rest of the time we spent with our exchange student, Alice, in Paris. We had a great adventure and nothing ever went to terribly wrong. We missed a train once but that was about it! So here is a short comment on each:
Roma: (Rome) Trevi Fountain is beautiful, the Form and Coliseum are cool, the Vatican is massive and fascinating. Favorite memory is climbing the Cupola of St. Peter's Basilica, all the stairs and the food.
Firenze: (Florence) the crazy people watching soccer and yelling in the streets!

Cinque Terre: The beauty, peace, color and the fact that I made the hike and tried anchovies! and the stairs...
Venezia: (Venice) late night walks with Rachel, the Doge Palace, gondolas, walking everywhere and more stairs! The shops, Grand Canal and Murano. All the masks Rachel tired on especially the ones with glitter!
Marseilles France: The sleeper train on the way there was great but hard to sleep on!

Paris: Alice, Anais and their families, Eiffel Tower, Musee d'Orsay, Louvre, Arc de Triomphe, Louis Vuitton, Versailles Palace, but especially the French Assembly. Evening dinners in the backyard, 100 degree weather and Parc Asterix with it's crazy loops! Night's in the Paris lights and just spending family time with Alice and Anais' families.
All in all we calculated that if you add the Spanish Steps, Cupola, Cinque Terre hike, Venice canal stairs, Eiffel Tower, subways, etc we climbed over 5,000 stairs in 21 days! We went on 6 airplanes, approximately 21 trains, 2 buses, 40 subways, 8 boats, and half way through Paris my shoes fell apart and had to be glued! AMAZING, simply AMAZING. Oh and European keyboards have the keys in different places and make it hard to type!

Now not to end on a downer, but we came home and had to go back to the reality of life. My mom had a stroke the Sunday we arrive home, my aunt is still in the rehab center after coming down with Guillain Barre Syndrome, my kids are all down in Utah and it is kind of lonely here. Interesting how one week you can be so busy doing so much fun stuff and the next week you are stressed out and lonely. I missed all the walking I did in Europe, so today I walked to my doctor appointment. It was nice but I have to get back to reality now and pay the bills.

Traveling the World

So I haven't been on here much because Rachel and I have been traveling in Europe. We are having an amazing time. We strated in Italy and are now in Paris with our exchange student Alice. It has been wonderful and keeps our minds busy. We were traveling on the two year anniversary of Mike's passing and it made it go by easier. Didn't have time to think much. I don't know if Rachel did, we didn't talk about it. I will be able to post pictures and write more when we get home. French keyboards are all scrambled!!!

SUMMER IS HERE!!!

 It is summer and work at the school is over! I need a break. Rachel and I have a great summer planned, so I will keep you posted as to what is up. Take care, be safe, SMILE and be happy!

I Will Be Happy When...

You ever heard someone say, "I will be happy when I move into a bigger house," or "I will be happy when I get married."  Happiness does not come when you reach a certain point in your life or have a certain thing. It comes when you decide to be happy. It seems to me I have written about this before, but it is on my mind again. (And I get it, in some cases you may not have total control over your happiness) I have been thinking about this a lot and trying to figure out how Mike did it. How did he survive for so long with so many heath issue and still maintain happiness at least 75% of the time.

Mike was a perfect example of someone who suffered tons but chose to be as happy as he possibly could. When he felt good, he did everything he possibly could to serve and help others, to study, pray and worship. That is what helped him to fight his health issues for so long. In the end it wasn't just the depression that got him. It was not getting the right help from a stupid doctor and getting news of a failing body due to his diabetes. I think he knew the medical bills from failing kidneys, urinary track and other complications due to the diabetes would ruin us financially. I think he saw how happy we were over at the new house while he was gone most of the time and I think he realized we could make it without him. Mike never got angry at God or lost faith in Him or lost faith in what he believed in. As much as I hate some of the things we went through together, Mike is the one that taught me to be strong. He is the one who never blamed God or walked away from Him, he knelt in pray and read his scriptures daily. Mike's strength in the gospel is what keeps me moving forward today without him. He endured and then in a weak moment with no one around to help him, he gave up on himself, not on God or his family, but he gave up on himself. If he chose to be happy for 75% of his life with those trials, I should be able to chose to be happy at least 95% of the time. Since I have never met anyone as bad off as Mike had been, then that tells me most of the time everyone can choose to be happy sometimes. At least that is how I see it.

The Highs and Lows in Life

When there are large gaps between posts, one of two things is happening. Either I am too busy to sit and type something up OR there is so much in my head I am avoiding typing anything. This time it is a little bit of both. I have been very busy working and just being mom. May is never a good month anyway. The year after Mike's death had a lot of first and that was hard. Every time something happened that was a first without him, it took a lot to hold things together. In the letter he left behind, he even mentioned how hard it would be for him to not be here for a lot of Rachel's "firsts" like her first date, prom, etc. So those moments can still be hard.
Now we are coming to the end of the second year. Honestly for me it wasn't as hard as it was just numb. No feelings at all. Our anniversary came and went and I really didn't think to much about it. I posted something on my facebook that day about how it would have been 29 years. A few people made comments to cheer me up, but I wasn't really down. It was just another day.  My birthday came and went and it was pretty low key. Rachel and I were both sick and I worked so we didn't do much. Then on Mother's Day Marie and Ethan left for home with Jeffrey so that was a downer day! But I don't cry much at all anymore. It is just numb.
May has brought both highs and lows this year. Lows because of conflicts and highs because of accomplishments. I haven't had so many conflicts with people in a long time. Often it was me doing or saying something stupid and sometimes it was others. I usually have a high tolerance for people but I even lost my patience with a man in a meeting I was in. Not like me at all. I don't feel stressed . . . but then again I am dealing with the IRS still and that is stressful alone!

One of the highs this month would be the school musical. They did "Into the Woods" and I thought they did a fabulous job. Rachel was fantastic at her role as the witch even though she was sick with a sore throat all 6 shows. Her fellow actors did a marvelous job also. This first pic has Danny and Abby as the baker and his wife being visited by the witch next door (Rachel.)

Rachel is an old ugly witch but turns into a beautiful but still mean witch. This second picture is Rachel talking to Rapunzel her "daughter."  There are several videos on youtube that you can look at if you search "Into the Woods Sequim High School."  The kids put a lot of hard work into the show and did a wonderful job. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gt-HhTl3phE
Another high this month was Rachel being elected as senior class president for next year. I am very proud of her because the leadership class has really helped her to step out of her comfort zone and try things that don't come easy to her. Jeffrey is doing great in school still and continues to amaze me with his strength. I am also very proud of Marie for realizing some changes she wanted to make in her life. Change is hard. I hope she does better then I do with that one! All in all, life is good and my kids are amazing. We all have our pitfalls and issues, but who in life doesn't.

In Lifes Up and Downs the IRS is Definitely a Down!

Sometimes I have so much flying around in my head I don't even know where to start. I have been dealing with the IRS again and their back penalty and Interests of $96,000 they think I owe. (Giant gasps inserted at this point) This always makes me crazy when I try to work with them on this. I have been on the phone for three hours now with five different people and still have no answers. Of course my records along with my CPA show I shouldn't have to pay anything, but you try and tell the IRS that!
Still no marker on Mike's grave and it is coming up on two years now. Makes me feel like a real schmuck.
Oh, I am typing most of this during the times the IRS has me on hold. Get this, I need to send in a form 843 for abatement for each year I am requesting. The form has to know the exact amount requested but the IRS can't figure out how to tell me how much each year is for!!! And we agreed to turn over our health care to these people. Is this country NUTS!
On another note, my aunt that lives by me has been in the hospital for a few days now. She developed a rare syndrome called Guillain-Barre Syndrome after having pneumonia. They didn't catch it at first and I feel bad for not seeing her condition as serious as it was. I took her to the hospital the first time and they sent her home. Then I threw my back out picking up laundry of all things and couldn't help at all. I kind of feel bad about it, but there wasn't much I could do. I am feeling better now but I have my work cut out for me taking care of her when she is released in a month or so.

As for me, I had a great weekend traveling with my daughter and our church youth group to Canada. It was wonderful but it also brought up a lot of emotions that I have a hard time dealing with. Each of my kids had a different relationship with their father. Rachel never wants to hear anything about him if it is negative in any way. Of course after being married for 27 years and dealing with his depression as closely as I did, I have lots of memories - good, bad, wonderful and awful. In a lot of ways I am angry at him for taking his own life and so more often my feelings of anger toward him come out in conversations. I think this is normal and part of the healing process, but I can't talk about these types of things around Rachel. I struggle with the doctrine that I believe and with what my husband did. In other words, I don't like him very much right now and I feel guilty because everything in my religion is centered on family. I am not good at being the head of the household. I am not good with imparting spiritual wisdom to my children, and I am not good with scriptures and prayers. Mike always headed that stuff up and I haven't figured out how to fill those shoes. I get through life by just laughing and having fun, it seems to helps with the pain.

It has been interesting that lately several people have asked me how my kids were doing, in fact more people then normal. I appreciate that people are concerned about my kids. It is good to know that people are watching out for them and that they care. The interesting thing is right now they are all pretty happy! Jeffrey is doing well in school, just got a scholarship for next year and has a great understanding and outlook on life. Marie, although she doesn't want to move back to Utah, has been doing much better and seems to find more happiness now then last year.
As for Rachel, I have not seen her this happy for years. She is busy and does stress over school work and tests, but she is really happy. There has only been one really bad anxiety episode in the last few months. I attribute a lot of her happiness to her boyfriend who treats her like a queen. I couldn't have picked a better young man for her to date. Their moral standards are extremely high, they spend the right amount of time together and still give each other space, and they do really kind things for each other. Yes, I am a bit jealous!
My son-in-law treats Marie like a queen too! I guess I am a pretty lucky mom. I have no doubt that Jeffrey, when married, will treat his wife as a queen also. I am thankful that they are all such wonderful kids. 
So what would make some people concerned now when the kids are doing so well?  Not sure, but it caused me to probe and ask some questions! You know what I found out? They are happy and doing well! Oh there is the usual frustrations with school work, tantrums & toddlers, and friends that aren't being real "friends," but all in all life is good.

Rachel was telling me the other day that studies have been done that show how people react when processing something. When someone gives her directions, she looks off to the right and visualizes what she is to do. She looks off to the left if she is recalling something. This is very normal, but it has been mistake by some that she is not paying attention. Anyway, right now I am counting my blessings that my kids are enjoying life best they can and if people don't believe that, maybe they are the ones changing!!!

Rethink, Adjust, and Keep Going

When we moved 2 1/2 years ago, it was hard for Rachel to connect with friends, being shy didn't help. We noticed that the teens here didn't really have a hang out place. That became one of our goals, to provide a place the kids could hang out, have fun and be safe. It was a slow process especially while Mike was still alive. He often didn't like to be around groups of people. After he passed away, it became extremely important to us not only to provide a gathering place but also to make sure Rachel would move forward and not seclude herself or crawl into a hole, and me too, I guess. That is why we started having late start breakfast here whenever possible and giving rides to kids whenever needed.
There were many nights when we had a few extra Holloway, Cain, Turner, Gilliam or Kings here later then 1 am! After midnight I would start asking, "Your parents okay with you being here?"  The typical answer would be, "ya, I checked in."  I had to trust they did and hope some parent wouldn't get mad at me. We had some amazing late night talks. Some say the Holy Ghost goes to bed at midnight and kids can only get in trouble after that...I say he is always present when the setting is worthy of it.
If it wasn't for the families here (and in our old hometown) loaning us their children from time to time, it would get very lonely and quiet here. Our routine night would be a movie then bed. We have seen just about everything there is worth seeing. Having extra kids over helps to break up the monotony even if we do just watch another movie.  I don't mind feeding them and I don't mind driving them home even when it is all the way across town and late at night. But in the desire to fill our homes loneliness I guess I have lost touch with what other families desires might be.


I sometimes wonder if people realize how truly lonely life can be for me. For some reason I connect better with the youth and have more friends under 20 then above, but even they get tired of a mom hanging around with them. Don't get me wrong, I have a lot of wonderful adult people I know, but "hanging out" is a bit hard when they have obligations I don't have. Being a single adult in a family oriented church is a lot harder and lonelier then I thought it would be.
When my older two kids were teenagers, they homeschooled. We didn't really have set bed times and any given night the Klos, Bunt, Heath, Terry and Anderson clan would be over having fun. Now that I am raising my youngest I have even mellowed more, so you see I don't get worried about the time she comes home as much as I do just knowing where she is and who she is with.
So in my desire to fill our families needs, I have forgotten to take into consideration the needs of other families. What a dilemma I have created. Some may think my youngest is spoiled but I don't think so. I think I am a lot more patient, understanding and mellow. Years of learning to "choose my battles wisely" and knowing when to step back and let go have helped. Most of Rachel's friends are the oldest child in the family and they have greater responsibility to set examples for younger siblings.  So I do get it. It is not remembering to honor other families rules as much as it is remembering to watch the clock and ask more questions about curfews. I trust my own kids so much, that I think I trust other youth to know their rules and boundaries hoping they will self enforce them. Isn't it great that life, every day, gives us knew challenges to learn from and better ourselves?

When Life Is A Mess...

Short sweet and to the point. My car has been out of commission for 3 1/2 weeks now. The jeep was in an accident putting it out of commission. Fortunately everyone is fine but I can't get Rachel to drive again... yet.  I didn't have full coverage insurance on the jeep, that sucks. Five yelling swearing kids up against Rachel, well she got the blame. I will say that I was on the scene of the accident in  5 minutes and I handled it they way I always wanted to: calm, without blame, and not worrying about things like cars but people.

So have I hit my breaking point yet? No, but I feel it coming fast. I think I am ready to become a hermit and shut the rest of the world out of my life, except my children and good friends. Without them I would not survive. So when life is a mess what do we do? We pray, reach out for help, smile and keep going. If we let the mess win, we only learn defeat and not strength.

Happy But In a Funky Place

I am finding that I am keeping myself overly busy with work, listening to loud music so I don't have to think, and just avoiding certain things. Weird. What am I running and hiding from? Loneliness? I often find myself trying to take care of everyone else that I forget about taking care of myself. I am begining to wonder if I purposely take care of everyone else so I don't have to deal with myself...  just a thought.
I need to get out an exercise. That is something I love to do, it is healthy, and I have been cleared by my physical therapist to go back to. So now where is the motivation? I always get this feeling I have to "look" better to ever attract someone but I just don't care to jump on the band wagon of being something I am not. For me to ever be this skinny attractive lady it would take an obsession with exercising and a lot of unhealthy pills. Been there and down that once, not interested in that again. It is werid because I am happy, I am just in the funky place.

ACTING: Appearing Normal When Messed Up

Sometimes, when I haven't written for awhile, it is not because things are going good, but just the opposite. I have mentioned before that it takes me awhile to process things. I am also realizing that although I speak freely on my blog, some of the things that trouble me the most right now I can't talk about because they involve people who read it. Kind of a catch 22 if you ask me.
Honesty is very important to me. My kids understand this. I believe they know that I would rather they tell me the truth, even if I don't like it, then tell me blatant lies that someday may revel themselves. Having said that I also know that none of us are perfect and misrepresenting the truth is easy to do. To be honest with you, my kids have hardly ever out right lied to me, in fact I can't remember if they ever have. I am thankful for that. Other people have. Other people have really misrepresent truth and even, in my opinion, blatantly lied to me. That is a hard one for me to deal with and forgive.

 My car left me stranded 60 miles from home 10 days ago and has been in the shop ever since. Rachel's schedule is crazy so borrowing her car can be tricky when she has to leave at 6:45am and I don't have to be to work until 7:30am. Driving the 64 Chevy is a real pain and also unreliable. Don't know when or if I will get my car fixed, money to get a new car if needed is tied up in a lost cause and  honestly my brain is too frustrated to think about it.

I have learned since Mike's passing that I don't like being the decision maker. I don't like that the buck has to stop with me. I don't like that people take advantage of you in a time of loss and confusion. Although I seem to have my act together, inside I am often confused and unable to think straight. That is how I am feeling right now. I can express it in type for the world to read, but in reality I have no one I can to talk to.

Rachel singing "You Belong In Sequim"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8_4cBRrjTXY

This was written by Robin Hall for our town. It is a Taylor Swift Parody done for our "Senior Night Live" show. Where my daughter gets her talent is beyond me!!! The photo is at rehearsal before she got the wig!

February The Month of Love. . .

I just worked out, showered, put make-up on and now I am writing on here? Makes no sense. The last thing in the world I want to do right on is start crying. I have decided the two hardest months for me are February and May not what most people would think. Most people would go with December because of Christmas and some other random month. I have all my family around me at Christmas so I do pretty good. The months that are hard are February because it is the month of love...it also happens to be the anniversary of our first date and Mike's proposal two years later. I make it through those days by just keeping busy but Valentines Day, bla. It was one of those hit and miss holidays for Mike depending on how he felt. He had a few good years but it passed by him unnoticed most years. Not that I want or expect anything, I just miss what it could be. The other hard month is May. I guess that is because it was our anniversary, my birthday, Mother's Day and the last time we spent time together before he died.
Some people may think that it is hard because someone in my situation is still trying to get over the loss suffered. I am alright with moving on. The past was alright and can hopefully the future can be better. One of my kids might have a little problem with letting me move on ;-) So far there is only one person she has allowed me to go out with...like she can really stop me anyway! For me maybe the hang up is feeling guilty because it seems so easy to move forward. I don't live in the past but the present is kind of boring. When you are not making new memories to replace the old ones what else are you supposed to think about. I think it is hard for children to realize you are not replacing their father, it is more like adding someone new in your life that could step in for them when needed. At least that is how I see it with my kids since they are much older. Anyway...

Rachel, her boyfriend, Healy & I (yes, I am taking a girlfriend because I can't find a date around here!) are going to the 5th Avenue to see "South Pacific" on the 13th as an early Valentine's. I am also taking them to dinner at Benihana's one of my favorite places since high school. So that will be nice. Not doing anything on V-day. Watching my grandson for a few days after it so Chris and Marie can spend some alone time together before he goes back to Iraq. If I can just stay out of the stores and all there sweetheart stuff, I will be fine. It doesn't make me miss Mike, it makes me miss love. That may sound weird but it is the love, passionate and simple that I have missed for years and years. At least my girls (who happen to dislike V-day the most) will be happy and with someone special. I guess I will be happy watching them be happy. As for everyone else, make everyday a special day and tell someone you love them. We just don't say those words enough.

Deep Rambling Thoughts Bursting Free

I wish I knew what was going on in my head right now! Things just seem to be flying around all scattered. Here goes a few thought I will try to catch and put on paper:

1. I am still trying to figure out why I can't get on top of  my spiritual side. I know there is a God, I just can't get my personal life to draw close to him right now. I do all my church stuff, I just fear drawing to close will bring up so much pain I am not ready to handle, so personal prayer and scripture study is still a bit hard.
   
2. I can not say enough how thankful I am that Rachel is dating a fine young man that goes to church and treats her like a queen. I haven't seen her so happy in a long time. Still with the happiness she is frustrated with her anxiety and ability to score well on tests. She works so hard and studies so much and still struggles to be where she wants. Now having said that, we are also working on the fact that perfection is not reality. Some kids would be so pleased to have the grades she has. To her it is not good enough. And well stupid teachers drive us both crazy and she has had her share of them.
3. In a lot of ways, what Rachel is experiencing with her boyfriend is what I have always wanted. In fact, Rachel is always telling me I'm jealous and she is right! Sometimes at my age I feel it is too late to ever experience that kind of happiness. Mike and I did love each other, there was just a lot of happiness missing. We had a high maintenance marriage with all the illness and we defiantly disagreed a lot on how to raise our kids. Seeing how they are turning out, I think we did a fine job. But like most women, there is this feeling of not being pretty enough, skinny enough, or what ever that big fault is. We can always find the faults, Satan will see to that.You see my mom has told me all my adult life I was fat and Mike had said a few mean things about that so maybe you can understand why I don't think I am good enough the way I am. Losing weight with a hip that prevents me from exercising doesn't help much.
4. So what do I want in a guy? Someone who loves me for who I am now. Someone that would cause me to want to become a better person but not make me. Someone who loves to laugh and be crazy but knows when to be serious and romantic. I don't like drinking, swearing or smoking. Someone who is spiritually strong where I am weak. Well, do guys like that even exist? Ya, they are just all married! 

Believe me I am laughing as much as I am crying as I write this. Maybe my head will stop spinning now that this is working its way out. We are moving into February where Mike and I had a lot of memories. First date, two years later a proposal, lots of Valentines Days that were forgotten and lots that were great. I guess I am just gearing up for all that stuff you see in the stores and psyching myself up for a holiday I have never really liked. At least a few of my kids will enjoy Valentines Day! I can be happy with that for now. 

Old and New

This starts out with a post I wrote at Christmas time but didn't post due to the loss of my friends son. I just found it in my drafts so I will start with it and then add an update!!!
Dec 23
There is so much on my mind tonight and it is very late so I hope this makes sense. It has been a nice Christmas season for me. I enjoyed being a part of the high school's "Winter Wishes" that helped grant Christmas wishes to students. I loved seeing their faces and the joy the gifts brought at the assembly. It always helps bring the Christmas spirit when you give. We also had a lot of fun on "Cookie Day" making tons of cookies. We ended up with 24 plates with 6 varieties of goodies on them and still a ton of left over to eat! Amazingly I have not gained any pounds. It is also fun just having all my kids home. They are so cool and just fun to be with. I am so glad we are as close as we are and I hope that never changes.
I am sad to say that it has been hard for Rachel to get into the Christmas spirit. She just doesn't feel like it is Christmas. She has tried to do things for others and go to Christmas activities but it just isn't helping. I know that any holidays are very difficult for her now without her dad. On this one I just don't know what to tell her or how to help her.

Dec 27
Well the holidays are turning out great and Rachel is enjoying it much better then most holidays due to a fine young man who has made her feel like a princess. I am glad she has such good friends. I don't think I have seen her laugh and smile so much in the last year. It is really nice to see.

Jan 21
Well, I have actually avoided my blog a bit. I don't know why I do that. Either nothing really to write or I can't get the words out I want to write. The New Year has been good so far. I have had lots of work. I am even taking on a M-Th full time job in the library at the high school May and June. Someone is going on maternity leave. That way I can make the money we need to go to France this summer and visit our exchange student. She will provide housing so we just need travel money. That should be an adventure. I hope it will work out that we can go. I have some enormous bills to take care of first but the money I need is tied up. So we will just hope for the best.
I feel like I am living in a constant blur right now. I am doing so much but nothing well. I get things done at the last minute and rush around all the rest the time. I think I am ready for a break. Maybe I won't work next week! I have really enjoyed the substituting I am doing. I definitely have my favorite spots to work! Still spend most of my time with teenagers. Adult buddies are hard to find. Everyone is too busy! I miss my old lunch group and buddies in Redmond. I miss companionship. So staying busy is a good thing I guess.

Lots Of Emotions To Work Through During the Holidays

Sometimes when things get too emotional for me, I can't get on here and write for awhile.  I have to process my feelings so I can deal with them. The holidays were a roller coaster of emotions. It has been fun to have Jeffrey home from college and the kids all home together. We have a ton of fun together and they lift my spirits more then they know. Lots of late nights, games and piling into my bed. Rachel usually has the hardest time with holidays but this year a sweet young man made it the best ever. He came over Christmas Eve with a gift and asked her to be his girlfriend... (AWW, so sweet) When she open the rest of the gift the next day there was a card that said something like "one piece of paper is not enough to list all your wonderful qualities so I will just list the top 10!" He went on to list some of the sweetest things like how her smile brightens his day and how she is so kind to everyone. How could you not fall in like/love with a guy like that! My only comment was were are all the 50 year old guys like that!!! Anyway he was a great distraction for her from the sadness of the holidays.

I also took 8 teens over to Redmond for a epicenter dance on New Years (about 600 teens.) We started the day with ice skating, then Nurf wars, volleyball and pizza. Then the dance. It was all fun until I dropped them off at the dance at 9:30. That is when I drove to Factoria Mall and tried going to a 30+ single adult dance at the Mall. I have decided that going to a dance, to dance, is the worst for me. Mike and I were great dancers and standing on the sidelines feeling like a piece of meat being checked over sucks. I danced one song and the guy realized he was about 15 years younger then me! I guess I really don't look my age! Anyway, that was enough and I had to get out of there. I am finding that it is easier for me to surround myself with teenagers then it is adults. (sorry adult friends...) It is alright with my good adult friends I know well, but over here at the new place, I hang out more with teenagers. So I left the dance quickly and a bit angry at Mike for leaving me and allowing me to be alone. I did spend 25 minutes at my friends house playing a game before I headed out to get the kids. So as the clock struck midnight I found myself alone in the car driving back up to Lynnwood to pick up the kids and listening to songs that made me sad. I decided people shouldn't be alone during times like that. The next morning we headed home so that I could prepare all the food for another dance here in Sequim. That was fun because I kept busy in the kitchen (with the teens) and went out to dance occasionally with my son or the teens! I really am beginning to think I don't do well with other adults! Maybe it is because all my friends have spouses and I feel like a third wheel.Or maybe being around other couples is hard. I don't know, I am still trying to figure all that out.
I try to push through things for the kids so that it appears nothing is affecting me, but it does. The busier I stay the less time I have to think, but there are still a lot of times when I am alone with my thoughts and it is tough.
Having my dear dear friend lose her 24 year old son to suicide over the holidays was not easy but it isn't about me this time. She didn't even call me until the 26th because she didn't want to ruin my Christmas. Now it is my turn to be there for her. I knew I had to go to the funeral to support her. It was the first one I have gone to in the last year. I have chose not to go to others. It was hard but like I said it isn't about me this time. Having gone through what I have you would think I would know what to do or say but I didn't. Healy is so much like me. She is back at work today trying to move forward. She is very strong but yet has a very tender heart right now.  My love goes out to her and her family.
One of these days I am going to write my book and figure out how to get out there as a motivation speaker mainly for the youth but to anyone who thinks life isn't worth living. Maybe if I helped one person it could help my healing move forward faster...