Valentine's Day? Hummmm

So what do you do on this day when there is no one special love of your life? I started first by expanding my "love" circle to my kids and their loves. Sent them all cards to arrive today. Then I went a step further and sent all the high school girls I work with at church a card, just in case no one thought of them as a Valentine. Yesterday, I started to think about my middle school church girls, what if they didn't get anything? So while I was working yesterday, I bought the 'Candy Grams' the middle school was selling and had them delivered to their classes today.

But when Valentine's Day actually came, I laid in bed all morning not wanting to deal with it or with the fact that maybe no one would remember me. Then I had to make an attitude adjustment. This was ridiculous. I got out of bed and started making cupcakes. When they were ready, I drove to my aunt's house and told her she was coming with me. We delivered cupcakes to single friends we both new around town and a few other people we just love. Took us most of the afternoon. Then we went to a late lunch together. As we were getting ready to leave the diner, two of the young men from the high school came in and were waiting for their dates, who just happened to be two of my favorite girls. I teased the boys, gave them a few tips then made one more delivery.

Now I am home, still alone, still somewhat sad, but yet very happy because service helps us to think of others and not dwell so much on ourselves. I learned a lot from the wonderful people Donna and I visited today. Some who may be lonelier then me. I am thankful that somewhere in my life other people taught me to serve. Life is all about choices and attitude adjustments. Today I made a choice to adjust.  Happy Valentine's Day everyone.

Sometimes A Good Cry Can Cleanse the Soul

Today I got on the treadmill and walk/jogged for 45 minutes...in tears.  I wish I could say it was from the pain of exercising but it was not. More like a mind overload or meltdown. Many things are on my mind. What am I doing with my life? Why does everyone let money run his or her lives? Why can't I sleep at night or focus in the daytime? Who am I, no really, what defines me?

I love music; loud, popular music.  I turn it up loud so I don't have to think. It sometimes keeps my mind occupied and off of thinking.  Other times it makes me think too much. I like my eyes and my hair. I hate how I look in pictures because of my weight but that is a never-ending battle. I can be happy with it; it just is not great for attracting guys! (I was smiling and laughing as I typed that) I am religious but often forget to practice what I truly believe.  I love being my own person and doing what I want but ironically I hate being alone.  I believe I would do whatever I could in my power to help a friend or family member.

Right now, my thoughts are focused on letting go of my youngest so she can move into her new marriage stage of life. A friend once told me that you raise them the best you can then let them go and pray they make good choices. I believe all of my children will do just fine.  It was exciting for me to let them go and watch them move into finding their own way. What I did not realize was how hard it would be with the last one. She is ready to move on and I am ready to let her go, but what I did not realize is what the next stage for me is? I am guessing this is when the nurturing mother starts putting more focus back on her husband. Therefore, that leaves me wondering what I am supposed to do.

The best answer I can come up with is get a job so I have a life! Not for the money, but for a life. This brings me back to the topic of "Why does everyone let money run his or her lives?"  If you do not have money, all you think about is what you could do if you had some. Some people will sacrifice everything to gain money. When you do have money, you can easily become a Scrooge so you do not lose it. Money can be "the root of all evil." My mom had $15,000 in cash hidden in her house for a rainy day. She showed me where it was just in case she died before she spent it. It was to go to her 3 children. Well she died before it rained and then her boyfriend took it all so none of it even went to her family like she planned.

Money is one of the things in this life we depend on for survival, but we cannot take with us when we die.  I look at my late husband and wonder what he worked so hard for. For me to live alone in a nice house. Yes, he worked to provide for the kids and me, but he missed so many recitals, plays, fairs, and vacations that I went on with the kids alone.  No one knows how much time he or she has on this earth and money is pointless beyond this life.  Make sure making money does not take over spending time with your family. Being alone has opened my eyes to how much money cannot buy. Maybe that is why I am so bad with budgets and saving money.  Mike did not live long enough to enjoy all his hard work. Is it wrong for me to spend it on my kids and enjoying life now?          
So through tears of confusion I push through my exercising on the treadmill. I am actually smiling and I am happy, but I can also be confused and lonely at the same time. It is life and I will make the best of it, through tears and smiles.

My wonderful family
(minus Marie who loves being behind the camera!)