Monday, December 28, 2009

WHY

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nd-2EkA4LgI

Saturday, December 26, 2009

Healy and Family My Heart Goes Out To You


I started a post about my week and the holidays but I will hold on to it for a day or so. Right now my mind is full and spinning. Depression is all around us and at some point in life it will personally touch us. What is sad and often hard to understand is when depression snatches a loved one from us due to suicide. Having been down that road, I wish no one else would have to go through it.
Healy, my dear friend and co-worker in Redmond lost her son Wednesday. He couldn't handle the battle any longer. I understand it so much, yet I don't. Amazing how I have been through what she is now going through yet I didn't know what to say to her.
When something like this happens you cry a lot. At first it is over the loss. Then you cry when you tell people not necessarily because you are hurting but you feel sad for the person hearing it for the first time. Suddenly we really need to have faith that what we believe about God is real. We need to have hope that our loved one is in a better place and that God will understand the pain they were in and now help us through our pain. 
Suicide is never the best answer but all of us will be touched by it at some time in our life. It is hard to know what to say. It is often hard to keep going on without them. The future can be unpredictable as to when your emotions will just flow and when you can control them. Holidays are difficult. Life is never the same when you lose a loved one, but when it is suicide it is so hard to understand the why.  Most of the time I do well with the "what if's and if I'd only" but they can still creep in and haunt you. There is nothing you can go back and do after the fact so I work hard at staying away from the "what if's." It is so hard. My love and heart goes out to the Landis family. I love you Healy and want you to know Aaron was a great young man. He is in Heavenly Fathers care now and will be fine. It is those of us left behind that need to lean on each other for support. I am here for you Healy and always will be. Aaron will be missed.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

The hip pain has subsided and I am starting to feel normal again! The doctor used a spinal needle and went all the way to the bone and injected another cortisone shot. They told me it would be painful for the first 24 hours. I don't think they realized the pain I was in because I was getting relief within a few hours. For once the pain wasn't constant.  I almost feel like a wuss for complaining about it because it was just bursitis, but it was having a major impact on my life. I have been sleeping better and only have mild pain when I over do it. They are going to start physical therapy again also. So the good news is I am in a lot less pain even if it isn't gone completely. I can live with this.
On another note, life has been busy with the Christmas season. If there is one thing I have learned, it is if you want the Christmas Spirit you have to be willing to give. I have found so much enjoyment giving this year. The real joy comes when you can do it annoymously. The high school has a "Winter Wishes" assembly where they try to grant student's wishes. Some are silly others are heart breaking. It was a great experience to be able to help the ASB with some of the wishes. It has really shown me again how blessed I am. Sometimes some of the best gifts you can give are free: a listening ear, a hug, a smile, a kind word or any kind act. I hope everyone takes the time in this busy season of rushing around everywhere to stop and help someone.
I have tried to start new traditions this year and even bought all new tree decorations. I just felt I needed to move on and break away from the old. Rachel is having a difficult time feeling the Christmas spirit. I'm not sure how to help her. Recently when she was home alone for a few hours, she wrote on her facebook status: "I swear I just heard him walking down the hall...I hate those sounds that trigger memories. :( "  She keeps herself so busy so she won't have to think. I took down a picture of Mike to put up Christmas decorations and the next day I found it back up. She is not ready to move on in some ways. I am.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Trying to Smile Through the Pain

 So I have dealt with pain; spiritual, emotion and physical. I usually push through it and come out smiling. I am about at the end of my tolerance for the pain I am having now. I have a very high tolerance for pain so this is very unusual for me. I have been dealing with this on and off bursitis for awhile now. This time I had 3 weeks of straight level 8-10 pain. Then I received a cortisone shot and it lowered the pain but didn’t really work well this time.


I have been to physical therapy, tried massages, had 2 MRI’s and an x-ray, used flexor patches, taken vicodin, used heat pads and I even bought an ultra sound device that penetrates heat into the hip. All this and I have had very little relief. I can tell because it is getting harder to smile and hide the pain. People are noticing so that tells me I am not dealing well with it anymore!

Today I have another appointment with a specialist and my regular doctor says it may be more then bursitis in my hip. The MRI on my back showed some irregularities in the lower back area. That is the area that took the brunt of our rollover car accident in 2002. So maybe we will get to the bottom of this. Walking can get so painful sometimes.

Yesterday my youngest asked me to bring her something. In my mind I was thinking ‘get it yourself’ but I painfully got it anyway. I am afraid one of these days I am going to snap and yell at someone. This is so not like me. Maybe I have just hit the limit of pain a person can handle in one year! To rephrase a movie quote in my own words, "Just keep smiling, just keep smiling."

Friday, December 4, 2009

What A Difference A Few Days Makes!


It is amazing to me how each day can be so different. Things are going much better. I believe Rachel is finally adjusting to all the changes. Change is difficult for her; actually I think change is difficult for both girls in different ways. As for me, spontaneity is the spice of life! Contention in the home is the pits. Fortunately our home has been blessed with a lot more laughter then arguing. We have had a lot of laughter and for the kids being so spread out, it seems they get along pretty good most the time.


Yesterday the two girls made ginger bread houses together. I think they had a fun time and both houses turned out great. Rachel seems to have a good time with Ethan too, but a bad day at school can change everything for her very quickly. Speaking of school, I am on my lunch break right now at the school. Today I am teaching Biology and Leadership. Not that I really get to teach… the life of a sub is really to supervise a classroom of students attempting to misbehave for the sub while watching a movie or filling out a worksheet. Not much teaching happens with a classroom sub job. I am pretty easy going, so I enjoy it and the extra spending money is always a plus. Surprisingly I will get to finish the last hour of the day in the health class. It would normally be my free hour but that's alright.

One thing that has been reinforced several times this week in a variety of different ways is that you will never please everyone. It is impossible. Someone will always be disappointed, upset, unimpressed, or just negative. And you know what, that is there problem not mine. If I do the best I can do at something, then so be it. I work with a youth group and it seems there is always someone wanting things different. I had one parent tell me things weren’t “fun” enough and then a few months later they said they weren’t “spiritual” enough!!! Make up your mind. The program is for the youth and should be run by the youth. It is also amazing to me how negative kids can be about an activity when usually one of the kids in the group suggested it. I don't think they realize that someone else really wanted to do the activity and by making fun of it or not participating in it they could easily hurt someone's feelings.

Another example of not pleasing everyone could be as easy yet frustrating as deciding on a dinner menu. There is always someone who won't like what you fixed. Guess what? That is there problem, not yours. If I can stay focused on that, I have a much better attitude and a better day. Sometimes it takes me awhile to process everything, but at the end of the day, it is usually not my problem. I think that is one reason why last week was so hard. I'd forgotten my own rule and was taking everything personally. Glad to see I am back on the right track. Thanks to everyone who helped me through the week with all your kind words.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Somedays It Is Hard To Climb On Top Of All The Crap To See The Sun

Yesterday I just wanted to crawl into a small warm cave and listen to loud music so I didn't have to think. To much on my mind. I am trying to process it all but I am slow at processing. Writing has always been helpful, so I will give it a try. I just hope people aren't judgmental with some of the things I write because it is truly how I feel at the moment it is penned.  Thank goodness we can change our minds later.
It has been a tough week. Rachel and I are adjusting to having Marie and Ethan with us. I adjust a lot easier then Rachel, so I have to be the almighty peace keeper in the home. Marie has depression and Rachel has anxiety. Not a great combination for one person, but for two people living together. . . lets just say I get exhausted. Part of Rachel's anxiety causes her to want a perfect environment around her: clean house, order to everything, little money spent, basically no bumps in the road that she isn't expecting or it throws her. With depression a clean home, order and not spending money are . . . well not the first thing on the persons mind. I have to say that Marie is doing a good job at trying to stay on top of things and Rachel is trying to adjust to the changes, but it takes time and during that time emotions get high.
One example from last week is when Marie and I took Chris to the airport. After arriving home Marie didn't want to be left alone. Rachel, on the other hand, had stayed home all day and needed to get out. She wanted me to take her to a movie. I said, okay one wants me to stay and one wants me to go what am I supposed to do. Rachel blurted out, "stay with Marie she is the princess."  Interestingly enough Rachel and I went to a movie...  Rachel's coping skill is to make snide little comments under her breath, but they can be very painful and rude comments. All of us have been sick to one degree or another, Rachel's voice teacher was a real jerk to us last week, and with the silent frustration going on around here, I just finally needed MY TIME. 
So the closest thing I have to a cave is my bedroom and office. So I locked myself in and cranked up the music. Loud music is one of my coping skills.  It drowns out all the thoughts.
Then I lost it. I was so angry at Mike for leaving me with all this to do alone. I actually hated him for it. Trying to keep myself busy I started looking for things and couldn't find anything. Passports were misplaced, bills I needed to pay and I couldn't find the paperwork to get a cemetery marker on Mike's grave. So here I am locked in my room, alone, trying to deal and not let anyone see me like this. Angry, alone, frustrated, crying, confused and lost in my loud music when Marie lets me know that Rachel is crying.
So I stop my breakdown to go deal with Rachel's. Of course she is not talking to me at the moment, which by the way, was the driving nail that sent me over the edge.  She is looking at a picture of Mike, crying, missing him and wanting him. I am so mad at him I just want to tell her what a jerk he was for leaving us. So I sit quietly with her until she is better and goes off on her own.
Meanwhile, I am angry at Mike but also feeling guilty that I have never put a marker on his grave after 1 1/2 years. So I guess for now I am still trying to climb up that hill of crap so I can see the sun creep through at the top.