I wish I knew what was going on in my head right now! Things just seem to be flying around all scattered. Here goes a few thought I will try to catch and put on paper:
- I am still trying to figure out why I can't get on top of my spiritual side. I know there is a God, I just can't get my personal life to draw close to him right now. I do all my church stuff, I just fear drawing to close will bring up so much pain I am not ready to handle, so personal prayer and scripture study is still a bit hard.
- I can not say enough how thankful I am that Rachel is dating a fine young man that goes to church and treats her like a queen. I haven't seen her so happy in a long time. Still with the happiness she is frustrated with her anxiety and ability to score well on tests. She works so hard and studies so much and still struggles to be where she wants. Now having said that, we are also working on the fact that perfection is not reality. Some kids would be so pleased to have the grades she has. To her it is not good enough. And well stupid teachers drive us both crazy and she has had her share of them.
- In a lot of ways, what Rachel is experiencing with her boyfriend is what I have always wanted. In fact, Rachel is always telling me I'm jealous and she is right! Sometimes at my age I feel it is too late to ever experience that kind of happiness. Mike and I did love each other, there was just a lot of happiness missing. We had a high maintenance marriage with all the illness and we defiantly disagreed a lot on how to raise our kids. Seeing how they are turning out, I think we did a fine job. But like most women, there is this feeling of not being pretty enough, skinny enough, or what ever that big fault is. We can always find the faults, Satan will see to that.You see my mom has told me all my adult life I was fat and Mike had said a few mean things about that so maybe you can understand why I don't think I am good enough the way I am. Losing weight with a hip that prevents me from exercising doesn't help much.
- So what do I want in a guy? Someone who loves me for who I am now. Someone that would cause me to want to become a better person but not make me. Someone who loves to laugh and be crazy but knows when to be serious and romantic. I don't like drinking, swearing or smoking. Someone who is spiritually strong where I am weak. Well, do guys like that even exist? Ya, they are just all married!
Believe me I am laughing as much as I am crying as I write this. Maybe my head will stop spinning now that this is working its way out. We are moving into February where Mike and I had a lot of memories. First date, two years later a proposal, lots of Valentines Days that were forgotten and lots that were great. I guess I am just gearing up for all that stuff you see in the stores and psyching myself up for a holiday I have never really liked. At least a few of my kids will enjoy Valentines Day! I can be happy with that for now.
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