WHY

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nd-2EkA4LgI

Healy and Family My Heart Goes Out To You

I started a post about my week and the holidays but I will hold on to it for a day or so. Right now my mind is full and spinning. Depression is all around us and at some point in life it will personally touch us. What is sad and often hard to understand is when depression snatches a loved one from us due to suicide. Having been down that road, I wish no one else would have to go through it.
Healy, my dear friend and co-worker in Redmond lost her son Wednesday. He couldn't handle the battle any longer. I understand it so much, yet I don't. Amazing how I have been through what she is now going through yet I didn't know what to say to her.
When something like this happens you cry a lot. At first it is over the loss. Then you cry when you tell people not necessarily because you are hurting but you feel sad for the person hearing it for the first time. Suddenly we really need to have faith that what we believe about God is real. We need to have hope that our loved one is in a better place and that God will understand the pain they were in and now help us through our pain. 
Suicide is never the best answer but all of us will be touched by it at some time in our life. It is hard to know what to say. It is often hard to keep going on without them. The future can be unpredictable as to when your emotions will just flow and when you can control them. Holidays are difficult. Life is never the same when you lose a loved one, but when it is suicide it is so hard to understand the why.  Most of the time I do well with the "what if's and if I'd only" but they can still creep in and haunt you. There is nothing you can go back and do after the fact so I work hard at staying away from the "what if's." It is so hard. My love and heart goes out to the Landis family. I love you Healy and want you to know Aaron was a great young man. He is in Heavenly Fathers care now and will be fine. It is those of us left behind that need to lean on each other for support. I am here for you Healy and always will be. Aaron will be missed.

The hip pain has subsided and I am starting to feel normal again! The doctor used a spinal needle and went all the way to the bone and injected another cortisone shot. They told me it would be painful for the first 24 hours. I don't think they realized the pain I was in because I was getting relief within a few hours. For once the pain wasn't constant.  I almost feel like a wuss for complaining about it because it was just bursitis, but it was having a major impact on my life. I have been sleeping better and only have mild pain when I over do it. They are going to start physical therapy again also. So the good news is I am in a lot less pain even if it isn't gone completely. I can live with this.
On another note, life has been busy with the Christmas season. If there is one thing I have learned, it is if you want the Christmas Spirit you have to be willing to give. I have found so much enjoyment giving this year. The real joy comes when you can do it annoymously. The high school has a "Winter Wishes" assembly where they try to grant student's wishes. Some are silly others are heart breaking. It was a great experience to be able to help the ASB with some of the wishes. It has really shown me again how blessed I am. Sometimes some of the best gifts you can give are free: a listening ear, a hug, a smile, a kind word or any kind act. I hope everyone takes the time in this busy season of rushing around everywhere to stop and help someone.
I have tried to start new traditions this year and even bought all new tree decorations. I just felt I needed to move on and break away from the old. Rachel is having a difficult time feeling the Christmas spirit. I'm not sure how to help her. Recently when she was home alone for a few hours, she wrote on her facebook status: "I swear I just heard him walking down the hall...I hate those sounds that trigger memories. :( "  She keeps herself so busy so she won't have to think. I took down a picture of Mike to put up Christmas decorations and the next day I found it back up. She is not ready to move on in some ways. I am.

Trying to Smile Through the Pain

 So I have dealt with pain; spiritual, emotion and physical. I usually push through it and come out smiling. I am about at the end of my tolerance for the pain I am having now. I have a very high tolerance for pain so this is very unusual for me. I have been dealing with this on and off bursitis for awhile now. This time I had 3 weeks of straight level 8-10 pain. Then I received a cortisone shot and it lowered the pain but didn’t really work well this time.


I have been to physical therapy, tried massages, had 2 MRI’s and an x-ray, used flexor patches, taken vicodin, used heat pads and I even bought an ultra sound device that penetrates heat into the hip. All this and I have had very little relief. I can tell because it is getting harder to smile and hide the pain. People are noticing so that tells me I am not dealing well with it anymore!

Today I have another appointment with a specialist and my regular doctor says it may be more then bursitis in my hip. The MRI on my back showed some irregularities in the lower back area. That is the area that took the brunt of our rollover car accident in 2002. So maybe we will get to the bottom of this. Walking can get so painful sometimes.

Yesterday my youngest asked me to bring her something. In my mind I was thinking ‘get it yourself’ but I painfully got it anyway. I am afraid one of these days I am going to snap and yell at someone. This is so not like me. Maybe I have just hit the limit of pain a person can handle in one year! To rephrase a movie quote in my own words, "Just keep smiling, just keep smiling."

What A Difference A Few Days Makes!

It is amazing to me how each day can be so different. Things are going much better. I believe Rachel is finally adjusting to all the changes. Change is difficult for her; actually I think change is difficult for both girls in different ways. As for me, spontaneity is the spice of life! Contention in the home is the pits. Fortunately our home has been blessed with a lot more laughter then arguing. We have had a lot of laughter and for the kids being so spread out, it seems they get along pretty good most the time.

Yesterday the two girls made ginger bread houses together. I think they had a fun time and both houses turned out great. Rachel seems to have a good time with Ethan too, but a bad day at school can change everything for her very quickly. Speaking of school, I am on my lunch break right now at the school. Today I am teaching Biology and Leadership. Not that I really get to teach… the life of a sub is really to supervise a classroom of students attempting to misbehave for the sub while watching a movie or filling out a worksheet. Not much teaching happens with a classroom sub job. I am pretty easy going, so I enjoy it and the extra spending money is always a plus. Surprisingly I will get to finish the last hour of the day in the health class. It would normally be my free hour but that's alright.

One thing that has been reinforced several times this week in a variety of different ways is that you will never please everyone. It is impossible. Someone will always be disappointed, upset, unimpressed, or just negative. And you know what, that is there problem not mine. If I do the best I can do at something, then so be it. I work with a youth group and it seems there is always someone wanting things different. I had one parent tell me things weren’t “fun” enough and then a few months later they said they weren’t “spiritual” enough!!! Make up your mind. The program is for the youth and should be run by the youth. It is also amazing to me how negative kids can be about an activity when usually one of the kids in the group suggested it. I don't think they realize that someone else really wanted to do the activity and by making fun of it or not participating in it they could easily hurt someone's feelings.

Another example of not pleasing everyone could be as easy yet frustrating as deciding on a dinner menu. There is always someone who won't like what you fixed. Guess what? That is there problem, not yours. If I can stay focused on that, I have a much better attitude and a better day. Sometimes it takes me awhile to process everything, but at the end of the day, it is usually not my problem. I think that is one reason why last week was so hard. I'd forgotten my own rule and was taking everything personally. Glad to see I am back on the right track. Thanks to everyone who helped me through the week with all your kind words.

Somedays It Is Hard To Climb On Top Of All The Crap To See The Sun

Yesterday I just wanted to crawl into a small warm cave and listen to loud music so I didn't have to think. To much on my mind. I am trying to process it all but I am slow at processing. Writing has always been helpful, so I will give it a try. I just hope people aren't judgmental with some of the things I write because it is truly how I feel at the moment it is penned.  Thank goodness we can change our minds later.
It has been a tough week. Rachel and I are adjusting to having Marie and Ethan with us. I adjust a lot easier then Rachel, so I have to be the almighty peace keeper in the home. Marie has depression and Rachel has anxiety. Not a great combination for one person, but for two people living together. . . lets just say I get exhausted. Part of Rachel's anxiety causes her to want a perfect environment around her: clean house, order to everything, little money spent, basically no bumps in the road that she isn't expecting or it throws her. With depression a clean home, order and not spending money are . . . well not the first thing on the persons mind. I have to say that Marie is doing a good job at trying to stay on top of things and Rachel is trying to adjust to the changes, but it takes time and during that time emotions get high.
One example from last week is when Marie and I took Chris to the airport. After arriving home Marie didn't want to be left alone. Rachel, on the other hand, had stayed home all day and needed to get out. She wanted me to take her to a movie. I said, okay one wants me to stay and one wants me to go what am I supposed to do. Rachel blurted out, "stay with Marie she is the princess."  Interestingly enough Rachel and I went to a movie...  Rachel's coping skill is to make snide little comments under her breath, but they can be very painful and rude comments. All of us have been sick to one degree or another, Rachel's voice teacher was a real jerk to us last week, and with the silent frustration going on around here, I just finally needed MY TIME. 
So the closest thing I have to a cave is my bedroom and office. So I locked myself in and cranked up the music. Loud music is one of my coping skills.  It drowns out all the thoughts.
Then I lost it. I was so angry at Mike for leaving me with all this to do alone. I actually hated him for it. Trying to keep myself busy I started looking for things and couldn't find anything. Passports were misplaced, bills I needed to pay and I couldn't find the paperwork to get a cemetery marker on Mike's grave. So here I am locked in my room, alone, trying to deal and not let anyone see me like this. Angry, alone, frustrated, crying, confused and lost in my loud music when Marie lets me know that Rachel is crying.
So I stop my breakdown to go deal with Rachel's. Of course she is not talking to me at the moment, which by the way, was the driving nail that sent me over the edge.  She is looking at a picture of Mike, crying, missing him and wanting him. I am so mad at him I just want to tell her what a jerk he was for leaving us. So I sit quietly with her until she is better and goes off on her own.
Meanwhile, I am angry at Mike but also feeling guilty that I have never put a marker on his grave after 1 1/2 years. So I guess for now I am still trying to climb up that hill of crap so I can see the sun creep through at the top.

Sunday would have been Mike's 53rd birthday. I got through it mostly by not thinking about him or mentioning it to anyone. Thanksgiving was fine, we had it Wednesday because my son-in-law has to start his long flight back to Iraq on Thanksgiving Day. We put up all the Christmas decorations while he was here because I can't do it myself. (Not good with heights) Anyway, I bought all new tree stuff so we are starting some new traditions. We had the same tree style and decor for the last 27 years so I wanted something new. For our first fake tree, it is actually beautiful. My kids don't like fake, but it is easier for me. So we are set for Christmas now too. I hope I can sit back and enjoy the season.

I don't know how I would get through life if I couldn't write out my thoughts. Funny, I was never good at keeping a journal. This blog really has been a life savor to me in getting through the last year and a half. I have to think a lot before I process things fully. Which means the situation I am dealing with is often over before I think of a good way to handle it. Lots of people ask me for advice too. I wish I could give them better answers then I do.

I had to deal with someone recently that broke my daughter's heart. Not in a relationship way, just an adult that said some uncalled for things about one of my daughter's talents. He was wrong and it was really uncalled for. I was there when it happened and didn't even know how to respond or what to say. It took me by surprise and it also took me all night to process what had happened. I finally figured out how to respond appropriately and not rudely.  To bad I didn't responded to him at the time. The hardest part was trying to convince my daughter that he was wrong, while she cried in my arms for an hour. I really hope I have never said anything so foolish that it deeply hurt someone.

We need to spend more time reinforcing the good in people rather then focusing on negative things. Life is hard enough so don't make it even harder on yourself or others.

Looking into my grandson's big, loving, trusting eyes just makes me melt. If I had one wish this Christmas season it would be that everyone who reads this does something wonderful for another person that they normally wouldn't help. Just imagine how many people we could touch. Start with a smile and a kind word!

?

If they celebrate birthdays in Heaven, Happy Birthday Mike...

A Blog By A Depressed Person

I recently read Eric D. Snider's web page (thank you Dave) and found it interesting and humorous. It might help some of you realize what it is like for a depressed person. He describes things very well. Having said that some might find his graphic pictures a bit offensive. But what he describes might help you understand life for a depressed person.

http://www.ericdsnider.com/snide/the-great-depression/

Correction, Updates and Memories!

I need to correct myself. After a friend apologized for some suggestions she made I realized I may have intimidated friends from wanting to suggests anything to me! That is not what I meant. I appreciate wholeheartedly the ideas, books, medical info and stuff that has been given me. I still may not follow it, but I do appreciate it. What drives me crazy are the suggestions that come with "you are under stress and not thinking clearly you have to do this..." or "I don't think you can handle this maybe you should...." It is the comments or suggestions that are given with the attitude that they know better then I do because I am under to much stress or pressure. I actually perform better under pressure most of the time. So please don't take what I said wrong and be afraid to suggest books, doctors, supplements, and other ideas. I had a person tell me after Mike's death that I didn't know how to grieve properly because I wasn't do what he thought I should be doing. I am the one coping well and he is still trying to understand and figure out why his family member took their life years ago. So I am sorry if I offended anyone with my previous post.
As for the update, Chris arrived safely from Iraq for a short emergency leave. We had a conference call family meeting and Marie discussed with us her "plan of action." She talked about what she needed to change in her live, goals she was setting and all kinds of stuff that she had to fill out in a workbook before she could be released. After hearing her take responsibility for her actions and future Chris and I were able to give added opinion. The hospital made sure she had a plan. She is sounding great and we are hoping that her new meds will kick in quickly. I was very pleased with how they handled her case. It made me very sad to think about when I hospitalized Mike in the psychiatric ward at the University of Washington in 2000. They had him do some of the same activities but added pointless art activities. They never had me involved with anything and I was never talked to by his doctors. Maybe I am forgetting something but I remember coming away from his hospital stay feeling like "what do I do with him now?" With Marie we have a plan, we were involved in the discussion of it and her doctor's seemed to rely heavily on the support of the family. I wish I would have had that with Mike.

It Will Not Happen In My Family Again!

Things I have learned:

• I will not allow the disease of depression to take another family member without putting up a major fight.
• No one has ever been in the exact situation I am in so thanks for the advice, but honestly you don't know what is best, I do. I do appreciate suggestions, advice, talking and stuff, but I don't have to follow it. Right now I am in control, I do know what I am doing, and I am thinking clearly and in the best interest of my family.
  
• No doctor is going to shut me down and not listen. I proved that this weekend and they actually thanked me after they listened. They could also tell that I knew what I was talking about and that I am capable of dealing with the current situation.
  

Having said all that, I better explain where those comments are coming from. My daughter Marie also suffers from depression. Although hers is very different from my husband, it is also the same. Where Mike would surround himself with positive things, service and good music, Marie has always surrounded herself with depressing music and negative things.

Her medicine was changed in September and never worked. So she was hitting a major low. I talked her into going back to her doctor last week and he gave her a new prescription but she never filled it. I called her most mornings to make sure she was up and taking care of Ethan. Her life revolves around Ethan right now so she was doing the best she could. I bought the house she lives in and made sure Jeffrey moved in downstairs to keep tabs on things when Chris is gone. I have had a plan from the day Marie moved to Utah.
Jeffrey came home Saturday night to find Marie unconscious on the kitchen floor from taking too many sleeping pills. She did not want to die; she just wanted to sleep away the pain. Now some people may say, "what was she thinking." May I correct you, she wasn't thinking. If I have learned one thing about this disease, it keeps the mind captive from thinking. Consequences of your actions is not part of their thought process. The pain she was talking about was not physical it is mental and when your meds are not working you cannot see a light at the end of the tunnel.
Jeffrey called 911 and Marie was taken to the hospital. This was my first encounter with doctors because Marie wasn't conscious to sign a form allowing information to be released to me. They did finally listen to my information even though they couldn't give me info. Naturally it helped them. I had to deal with flights, Red Cross, getting info to her husband in Iraq, etc.
Marie is fine and stable and is being treated in a psychiatric ward. This is a good thing. I put Mike through hospitalization once and it was very helpful. I did a 24 hour flight there and home. I got to see her and she will pull though this. She feels ashamed and stupid, but like I said she was not thinking. I brought Ethan back with me so he can be taken care of. I have ALWAYS had a major problem with child protective services (what a joke) so I told Jeffrey that until I got there if anyone showed up they needed a search warrant to step in my house! So Ethan is with me and having fun. He loves it here with the big yard and dog. He gets to talk to his mommy by phone daily. When Marie is released, she will be living under my care. We will have a controlled environment for her. Part of that will be designed to teach her to take better care of herself and Ethan.
What I have learned from the last few years is that I have an amazing network of friends. I am thankful for all your prayers and love. I am thankful for those who thought for me when I was foggy. Thanks for the rides, packing, talking, food, prayers, and for being a part of my life.

Weeks of Joy and Pain (literally!)

Life has been a lot of fun lately but there is always something that tries to pull you down.

On the good side of life, our foreign exchange student that came from France last February for three weeks is here to visit again! It is her school break and she wanted to come see us so her parents bought her plane ticket as a birthday gift! We are so excited to have Alice here again. We love her as if she was part of the family. She was suffering from jet-luge on Saturday but went to our school homecoming dance anyway. Some of the teachers didn't know who she was and they thought she was drunk because she fell asleep on a chair!!!!!!!! It was pretty funny. Rachel looked amazing for Homecoming. Someone said she looked like Rita Hayworth, I had to show her who that was! Jeremie and Rachel had a wonderful time at the dance and looked great together. I am so glad Rachel has and keeps such high standards for herself.

I strongly believe in teaching them correct principles and then letting them govern themselves whenever possible. With Rachel she makes good choices and never pushes the limits. Actually I can say that about all my kids, for the most part. ;-)
I think Heavenly Father knew I would be a single parent someday and blessed me with children that would be a joy to raise. When you consider I have been a parent for 25 years, it is amazing the few problems we have run into. I truly love, trust and adore my kids and make sure I am involved in their lives without being over bearing. They have been taught to wear modest clothing, with the exception of uniforms for sports, dancing, etc. With those they wear them when required then change when they are done.

I see all the different types of lifestyles that are out there in the schools and it is amazing our kids can even survive sometimes. I often work with students that are in "in-school suspension" and whenever possible I talk to them about what they want in life and where they are heading. It is amazing how many do not realize that what they do today will play a big part on what their tomorrow will look like. It is appalling how many kids do not get direction or support from their home and families.

Do to my situation in life, it has made it easy to open my home for parties and movie nights. We keep them clean, fun, alcoholic and drug free. We are even being more careful on the movies we show. Kids need more of that environment. They know even at school not to swear around me. I try to give them high expectations and they do, for the most part, rise to them. These troubled kids are not even embarrassed to say hi to me around town. There are always some kids who don't care and will blow off any adult that tries to work with them, but I hope if anything, I can show them how to be happy, without added substances, and embrace life while helping others.

Sometimes Rachel gets upset that I am letting kids walk over me. She thinks they take advantage of our food and home. I try to explain that I am giving it freely, they aren't walking over us. None of this "stuff" is truly mine anyway. I can't take it with me. I believe I have been given stewardship over it and giving to others without putting my family in jeopardy is what Christ would do. I do try to be careful so that the kids don't get the idea that it is funner here then at home! So with all the parties, working and friends around life has been a joy.

Now for the pain part... they think I have bursitis in my hip. they have done x-rays and the bones are fine. The doctor ordered an MRI and that was the most painful thing I have done in a long time! I am in the most pain when I lay down at night and when I walk too much. So laying still for 45 minutes and not moving was excruciatingly painful!!! I literally thought I was going to break the metal handle off the bed I was laying on. Put it this way, they put me on Vicodin and it isn't killing the pain. On really painful days I walk around the house with a crutch! I hope they come up with a way to get rid of this so I can go back to exercising. Even the Flexor pain patches don't work anymore. Why is it that when we finally get grounded and have some intelligence our bodies start to fall apart? Why can't I have the body of years ago and the wisdom of now!!! It will all be fine, I just have to figure out what lesson I am supposed to be learning from this experience. Maybe compassion? or patience? or maybe that I am just getting old and can't expect to hang with teenagers forever!!!!

Don't Give Up

One thing I hate the most about depression is how it not only mess up the person with it, but it can and usually does mess up the entire family. Due to my situation, I have had a lot of people talk to me about depression. I have had people suffering from depression as well as family members of those suffering talk to me. I am not an expert or a doctor but I know what I see and what I lived with.
I think that it should be mandatory for a patient suffering with depression to have a healthy person close to the patient designated to attend appointments with them. Patients don't seem to always give the doctor all the information, or they see the doctor on a day they are feeling a bit better. I think I could have given Mike's doctors better information on what was happening and how he sometimes acted. Mike didn't even realize some of the things he was doing, how on earth would he be able to tell a doctor what was going on?
Depression can get so bad for a person they truly don't think straight. All they see surrounds themselves. How the world would be better off without them, how no one really cares about them, or how their friends and family could get along much better without them. In all cases these are incorrect assumptions.
My husband truly felt we would be happier and survive just fine without him. The pain he was suffering was way more then what we would ever suffer with him gone. Some people might even see how well my family is doing and think that this might be true. But it is not. I have a 16 year old that cries when she thinks about the fact that her dad won't be here for her first date let alone her wedding. She has separation anxiety from me because she is afraid I will die and she will be left without a parent. Mike wasn't here to teach her to drive, help her with her math and won't be here to see his grandchildren. There is the pain that it causes my older daughter who suffers from the awful disease of depression. She has seen what it does and doesn't want that to happen to her. There is the scare for my two younger children wonder if they will ever have symptoms of it someday. So I have to be strong, I have to be stable and I have to be a constant study person in their lives.
I have always been a strong independent woman. So I do cope better then most. Mike also made sure that we wouldn't have to struggle too much financially. Most families who lose a loved one from death due to depression aren't as fortunate as I was financially. But who really cares about the money? I would rather have Mike alive then all the money in the world, but even he couldn't see that.
Our marriage wasn't perfect and some times there was a lot of distance between us, but at least we were there for each other most of the time. Now I am alone and I have never felt so lonely in my life. When a marriage is ended like this there is a void that we try to fill with our children, friends or work. I have done that well. My children mean the world to me and I would do anything for them, but there is still void. There is something about a partner that you can't replace with those things.
So no matter how much pain the sufferer of depression is in, it is a false assumption to think the lives of those around you will be better with you gone. A patient diagnosed with cancer will usually fight a hard battle, but for some reason a patient with depression will want to give up. Don't give up. Fight hard and keep looking until you find what will work for you. Don't wait until you are so down you can't hardly get up again. And most of all pray we find a cure. I know I am.

Don't Tell Me I Don't Understand . . .

You know what I don't like? When someone tells you that you don't understand. Understand what? Pain? Frustration? Anger? Loneliness? Do people think they have a corner on the market because they have a symptom to more of a degree then others? Those of us that are old get told by the younger generation, "you don't understand, you're too old, things were different for you." Or we are told by someone who is chronically sick, "you don't know what it is like to suffer on a daily basis." Maybe not from their same aliment, but I think we have all suffered pain, sickness, disappointment, loneliness, heartache, etc.
I know what it is like to try and be strong for everyone else around you. Because I have the ability to see beyond a challenge or trying moment doesn't mean I don't have them. It doesn't mean I don't get down and lose a little faith every now and then.
Pain, well I feel that emotionally everyday when people talk about their husband's and father's and I don't have that anymore. Pain, to move and walk some days because of an aging body and the aliments of an awful car accident. Frustration that I don't know how to take care of this house and yard. Frustration that I don't have all the answers for my kids. Angry that I am in a situation I didn't choose to be in. Angry at myself for not doing the things I know I should be. Angry for 27 years of a marriage with very few, "I love yous" and now none. Lonely when I am home by myself knowing that someday it could be like this every night.
I may not have been in the same exact situation as someone else, but don't tell me I don't understand emotions. Most all of us do. They can teach us love and compassion for others. They can help us become stronger and more helpful to others. Some days can be really hard and the thought crosses our mind, "why me?" At the end of the day I try to smile and think to myself, "I guess I would rather it be me going through this then someone I love." Even with all the stuff I have to deal with, I would gladly take on the burdens of someone I love if it would easy their pain. So don't tell people they don't understand. Express your feelings and let others help you. They may have more wisdom to give you to help you get through then you could ever imagine. And when talking doesn't help, hugs usually do.

"Never let a problem to be solved become more important then a person to be loved." Henry B. Erying

Life Is Tough, But Also Wonderful

So it appears readership is slowing down, I guess my life is getting more normal and boring! Actually when I have something to write, it is often too difficult to deal with so I wait and then I forget about it. That is a sign of old age I guess!
It was really nice to have yet another stranger compliment me on my smile the other day, but even better was what took place last night. I was at the away football game for our high school and busy taking pictures on our OLD 35mm camera. One of the young men I know from school came over to talk to me. I seem to run into a lot of school kids around town so it is fun when they aren't embarrassed to come talk to me in public. This young man who really doesn't know our family well, came over to tell me how beautiful Rachel's smile was! I was so happy to hear that because she has a beautiful smile and it always shows when she is "on stage." She is having a great time as a cheerleader and she is still keeping her grades and standards high.
I am so glad for my relationship with my children. We have a lot of love and respect for each other. Of course I think they are wonderful and the best kids ever, but they really have been a blessing in my life. They each have their strengths and their weaknesses. Although dealing with their weaknesses often seems overwhelming, I think recognizing their strengths can be equally as difficult. We try to teach our children to be humble and not boastful so recognizing a talent often seems difficult to them. To recognize a talent may seem boastful or vain, but we have all been blessed with talents and if we don't recognize what the Lord has blessed us with it seems disrespectful to Him. I guess the difficulty is to recognize our talents as a blessing and not as "look at me, I am great." Sometimes it is hard to receive a complement because of this. Sometimes we don't recognize a talent because it is not "perfect" yet. Talents need to be continually strengthened and developed so I believe we should not expect perfection and accept complements gracefully. As far as the weaknesses we all have, well I guess we have to "bear our burdens well for however long they last" (L. Whitney Clayton) Some weaknesses or burdens don't seem fair or we allow them to make us feel worthless. These things do give us experience and will help us learn empathy for others. Who knows why we have to suffer certain things, but we do, so we might as well learn from them and help make the world a better place. Easier said then done? Yes it is but hopefully we have lots of future time to work on things. It is all in how we look at things. Is your cup half empty or half full?

Just Rambling Thoughts

I was going through some pictures and found this cute one of Ethan "driving" Mike's old pick-up! He sat there turning the wheel and not wanting to get out. We had a lot of fun paling around and I miss that.

I finally bought the last thing that was on Mike's list for the house. He wanted a coffee table set, bar stools and a porch swing. Early this year I picked up the coffee table set he had picked out and after it arrived I wasn't sure I even liked it, but it grew on me. I picked up the bar stools early this month and we love eating at the bar and looking at the mountains far off and the cows right across the street. Now I needed the porch swing. So the other day I finally broke down and bought one. After building it, I sat there on the porch for awhile just looking off into the yard. That is when it kind of hit me. There should be a garage built over there and Mike should be working in it. It made me shed a few tears over the fact that what we had planned will never be. I wasn't sure if this made me mad, sad or just disappointed in him. I do know what he chose to do was not fair to the rest of the family, but then again when is life fair?

Well it has been awhile since I was on here. I guess that means I have been keeping busy and doing good. Actually I was spending a lot of time with my grandson before he left for home. So the house is now quiet and clean. I think I would rather have it full of toys and squeals! Ethan loved hanging around outside with me. We would walk to the mailbox, play with the dog, watch the cows, he would do anything to stay outside. He even spent an afternoon helping a young man I hired do yard work. Ethan thought he was pushing the wheel barrel but Hunter was pulling it from the front! I really enjoyed it when he would babble on endlessly to me about what he was doing. I took him to two of the high school football games and he would look around until he spotted Rachel cheer leading. At first he would bury his face in my shoulder if I started screaming for our team but he got used to it. He loves to watch the video I took of the game. We spent our last day together at the Seattle Aquarium.
So now it is back to normal life if you can call it that. I will be working 3 1/2 days this week at the high school. I am substituting in biology tomorrow, how fun is that! Jeffrey better have his cell phone on in case I need help!!! Speaking of Jeffrey he is doing great in school. He is trying to decide where to do his PhD. He has another year to think about it. Rachel is doing great in school and is very involved. She has a good schedule and is handling things very well.
As for me, I am doing good. I hang out with a bunch of teenagers. It would be nice to have some adult companionship (especially guys) but that isn't likely to happen around here. So for now it is late start Monday breakfast for about 20 high school students, weekend movie nights and football games. On Mondays I actually have about 20 kids show up at the house and we cook breakfast before school starts! It is a lot of fun. Even with the kids always around, it does get lonely for adult companionship sometimes.

Reminiscing and Looking Forward To the Future

I recently had some time to do some reminiscing. Like always there is good and bad that comes with that. The online memorial that was kept up for a year on the internet obituary page was bound and printed out before going off line. After it arrived, I sat and read all the wonderful comments people had written about Mike. The good memories, the prayers for our family and the caring concern for our future. It was all very touching.
I also received the hard bound book I had printed from my blog and I was very impressed at how nice it is. (The same company did both books.) For the first time in a long time I have a journal. I love reading my ancestors journals but I am really bad at keeping one. This online journal has worked well for me. What I often forget is that people are actually reading my online journal!

It is interesting that people find it odd that I am doing so well. I get calls from loving family and friends who want to make sure we are fine. I think we are doing pretty good. It is almost like some of them are trying to get me to tell them some suppressed thoughts or feelings that don't exist! I am looking forward to the future and what it holds. Who knows what direction things will go in. That is actually kind of fun to think about.
I am also glad I don't have any weird quirks . . . all my friends are laughing now. I mean I don't have any skeletons in the closet to come back and haunt me and I am not weird in the strange kind of sense! I don't have bazaar habits and idiosyncrasies. Unless you think carrying a toothbrush in the car and wearing socks to bed is strange . . .but that is not bad if that is all that is weird about me!
So I am looking forward to a relationship with a nice normal man that only has two weird quarks like me. I am sure there must be someone out there that fits the bill! In the meantime, I will focus on my family and myself. When I try to figure out what I want to accomplish from here on out, I am really blank. About all I can come up with is:

• become physical fit and darn good looking!!! (lots of hard work on that one!)
  
• travel to France, Denmark and go on a Caribbean Cruise
• Write a book
• spend lots of time with someone I love

Life has been good and the road has been an adventure. I would not trade it and would not repeat it, but I will continue to enjoy it.

Summer Coming to An End and Miracles still Happening in America

We continue to have a revolving front door. My son-in-law had a four day leave and flew up here to see Marie & Ethan. It was fun to have their little family here. They stayed in a bed and breakfast close by while I entertained Ethan. It was nice because they could come and go. They received a wonderful surprise when one of the other couples they met at the bed and breakfast left a check with the owner paying for Marie and Chris' entire four day stay. The world still has good people with big hearts and miracles still happen. The cool thing is that they were a couple from Redmond and lived less then 5 minutes from our old house. It was a wonderful gift for Maire's little family. It is also nice to see people respect the military and what they are doing for our country. During their breakfast meals they chatted with the other couples so everyone knew Chris was heading to Iraq and had a short leave. It is one thing to spend 10 or 20 bucks on someones meal, but this was close to $800 for four days of lodging and food. It would be wonderful to do things like that for others without expecting anything in return. What a wonderful couple.
Now we are entertaining mom and Phil. They came up for moms 84th birthday on Friday. We are going to have a small surprise party for her. I have been getting cards from relatives that live in other states. So she will at least have some cards to open. Getting old has got to be tough. After they leave then school will be starting. Marie will fly to Texas for one more visit with Chris before he is overseas and I will have Ethan for a few days! Ya for grandma time. He LOVES being outside here and free to run all over. Ethan is a really good little guy. I sure enjoy having him around. We spend lots of time outside together. He even helped me power wash the driveway!

So as you see, not much slowing down has taken place yet. I did take some time to finish some yard work. I had a few good workers (Hunter and my son-in-law) do lots of weed whacking. I totally replanted one of the flowerbeds that was a mess of overgrown plants. It looks so much better and now has wonderful smelling lavender in it. So even though I really don't like yard work, it is getting done and looking better.

On another note, it is a new but fun thing to be flirted with! I am not used to that. So when someone does flirt with me, I feel like a million dollars!!! It almost makes me feel like I am back in high school again. Speaking of feeling young, I had someone at the store guess my age at 40. Oh how that feels good and makes all the $$ spent on expensive skin care products worth it! Thanks NuSkin for helping me stay young looking!!!

Slowing Down The Pace - Book 2

Book 2 is added to the title because I just had my blog bound in book form so I can keep it as a journal. This will be the start of the next book. As I was doing this task on line, I decided to add more pictures of this last year. Looking at these pictures I realized in the worst of times I had some of the best times ever. Not many people get to set $$$ aside to use as a release from life. Knowing how difficult this past year would be I sold one of Mike's stocks and used it just for get away fun. Perfect timing to if you know what I mean. With that money and the kindness of others donating timeshares and homes we were able to go to Victoria for Thanksgiving, Hawaii for Christmas, Disneyland, two trips to Utah and a trip to California to help out my lifelong friend in her move. Rachel said we have flown around way to much! So this past year has been full of family, friends and good times. It does seem to soften the reality of life.
Now it is time to slow down and start getting back into a routine. It is time to make a new budget, work a little and start saving.
Rachel has been doing very well. No major anxiety attacks since last March. She is so involved with school this year that I hope she can maintain her grades. Not that I have strict expectations on her grades, but she does!!! Rachel had the opportunity to go to a recording studio and record some songs. it was a lot of fun. She record a song called "Virtue" for a competition and it is amazing. I am sure the other 99 contests were good too, but Rachel was amazing!!! (Okay, I am her mom.)
Jeffrey has done well in school. He had a 4.0 winter and summer semesters. It seems that when he is at his busiest he is dating the most! He loves working in the lab at U of U. Like his dad, he is way to hard on himself sometimes. I keep telling him we are not perfect in this life, just doing our best to become that way. It is really hard to teach someone to not get down in the process since we all have our ups and downs in life.
Marie and Ethan are here visiting us and it is so fun. Ethan is such a treasure. Chris' unit hasn't let for Iraq yet but they are down in Texas. So he gets a 4 day leave and he is flying up here to see them tomorrow. That will be nice for them and I get to babysit! Ethan loves his daddy.
Now it is time to slow down and get back into a school schedule. That means getting up at 6:30 every morning, getting back to the gym (I am about to hit a weight that I haven't been at in over 10 years!), and having a schedule to life not just waking up each day to see what needs done. When I think about what I want to do with the next few years I am often blank. I want to get Rachel through school, but what do I want? It seems we are taught to do for others first that when we get to a place in life were we could actually do something for ourselves, we are blank. We really don't know how to care for our own needs as well as we do for others. I think I may want to write a book, do some family history, and travel to Europe. Big goals but it is fun to dream...

Traveling and Seeing Family

As summer winds down we are almost done with the last of our summer trips. It has been fun to see all the kids together. Ethan is so adorable. He learned that if he puts something on his Jack-in-the-Box that it flies across the room when it pops! He is such a good little guy most of the time. He is ALWAYS saying, "thank-you!" I love getting up with him in the morning and just snuggling. He loves to sit and snuggle in the mornings. He is missing daddy now that Chris is off serving our country for the next year. But they get phone time in. Ethan loves to use mommy's phone and often calls me without her knowing! I just hear all this gibberish stuff on the other end and know it is my grandson wanting to talk.
Marie and Ethan will be staying with us for a few weeks in Washington and that will be fun.
While in Utah visiting I was able to see a lot of friends and family. We are having a Sunday dinner with two of my cousins and their families I haven't seen in years plus my uncle Jack. Jack is so much like my dad; I just love when I get to see him.
We are doing the zoo and Lagoon with friends and I am going to lunch with a group of old friends from Kirkland that have all moved down here. So we have been busy. Lots of back to school shopping too. That is something we never really did in the past.
I also had a great time chatting with a good friend about life and "the law of attraction." Attracting good or bad things to our lives not necessarily an attraction of a person. Something that has caused me to do a lot of thinking. He is at a place in his life where he gets to redefine who he is and what he wants to do in life. Amazingly, I really relate to that. It has caused me to really think about what I want in my future and what I still want to do with my life. Lots to ponder about. What do I want? Lots to think about.

Festivals, Photos, Friends and Challenges

It has been a busy week, but what else is new in our fast paced American lives? Last weekend was the Lavender Festival in Sequim and I had 4 UW college students come for the festivities. We had a lot of fun. We also went to the game farm to see the animals. I let Suzanne drive my car with Susan and Catherine up front so they could see the animals up close and personal! It was very funny to see Catherine leap away from the window when a yak decide to stick his head in!!! Fun times.
Rachel also had some portraits taken. She has wanted to take them with the pickup for a long time so we took dad's old 66 Chevy and grandpa Chumley's old cowboy hat and had some fun. She has done some great editing to the photos for color emphasis but I don't have those on my computer. She is very good at photo editing. So it has been a fun busy summer so far.
She is sure growing up fast!

This past week Rachel was off to cheer camp
so I did a little traveling. I saw my mom and Phil. Then I went to lunch and dinner with a lot of different dear friends and spent some time with the Munks. So it was a fun trip for me. By the time I picked up the girls from cheer camp, we were all ready to go home.
Now that we are home, well it is boring and I am back to the same old stuff. Mow the lawn, file papers, go through boxes of stuff. . . it can really get old. That will keep me busy for awhile until I get restless and want to go again!
On another note, I find it interesting that even when we are happy and enjoying life, we really never seem to be completely happy with ourselves. We are very critical of ourselves. For example, instead of focusing on my smile, every now and then I find myself focusing on my weight. I guess it doesn't help when I come back from my mom's place. I told her I was going to go in her bathroom to take a shower and she asked me if I would fit in her shower because it is small. Excuse me? Just because she weighs 100 pounds doesn't mean I am that huge! I have dealt with that all my life with her. I guess I didn't get her metabolism. It makes me feel like I will never be good enough for any one unless I get thin. What is with that and why do we do that to ourselves? True confessions from my marriage? I never did feel good enough for Mike. There was always something wrong with me. I don't ever want to feel like that again!!! We always said he was honest to a fault, (if that is even possible.) If I walked downstairs ready to go somewhere, instead of complimenting me he would point out what was wrong. One time he told me the color of my dress wasn't appropriate for church...WHAT? We have church colors??? Anyway living with that and my mother, I guess sometimes I let it get to me and I go off track. I love who I am. I can always get better. I don't need the world to tell me what I should or shouldn't look like. Now if I can just believe that 100% of the time and not let the world's standards get to me...

Made My Day!

If there is one thing that can make my day, it is when my smile and happiness can change someone else's day! I walked out of a store today, the sun was shinning, I was smiling and my hair looked great! As I was walking to my car a lady and her friend were walking by and she said, "wow, you look really happy!" I told her thanks, we all smiled and she stated as she walked away that more people needed to be that happy! It felt wonderful and we all went off happy and with smiles. What a great thing a smile is.

Miscellaneous Wandering of the Mind

What a week. I had one really bad day when everything went wrong. I just about broke into tears several times in public. Not sure what was going on other then I was trying to tackle stupid little things I never used to have to deal with. I went to Sears 4 times that day! Lots of parts and $50 later, the lawnmower grass catcher still doesn't work! But I got a new weed wacker and I like it.
I got my third notice from Consumer Reports that they automatically extended Mike's subscription and want to be paid. No where on the invoice is there a phone number to call so I then checked the web site. No number. For the third time (but this time with a little more passion) I scribbled in black marker, "HE IS DECEASED! If you would put a phone number on here I would call you to cancel this. DON'T SEND ME ANY MORE BILLS or Magazines!" I was so frustrated with these guys. They make it so hard to stop the subscription. Just a lot of little things that day.
But life always gets better. I have been doing a lot of cleaning and throwing away stuff. That is enjoyable to do. I just have to tackle my office and bedroom! After I had cleaned all day, Rachel and her friend Laura got in the hot tub. I planned to join them but got busy on the phone instead. About 11 Rachel heard a knock on the kitchen window that sent her to the floor screaming! There were definitely people outside, but who? All the boys were on a 50 mile bike trip in the San Juan Islands. I had the girls turn out all the lights so we could see out and sure enough two things dressed in black were running around. I knew they were friends, so I eventually scared them and the girls came in the house to join us. We started another movie and then talked until 4am. As I was crawling into bed I noticed a light coming in from outside and thought I left the back porch light on. Upon further examination I realized the light was coming from the horizon! I managed to fall asleep but at 6am I woke up to a start. I could hear water running and the cat running up and down the hall in a panic. I jumped up to find the water in my bathroom tub was running! When I found the cat he was all wet. I can only guess that he was in the big tub and went to jump out and pulled on the handle falling back in and getting wet!!! Crazy cat. Needless to say as always, a bad day at the beginning of the week didn't keep me from having a good time the rest of the week.
Today I even enjoyed mowing the lawn with my new safety headphones with an I-Pod attachment. Nothing like sun, music and dancing to the tunes while sitting on my lawnmower.... okay so I did look a bit odd. I think my neighbors thought I was nuts because when I finished I was hot and gross so I ran through the sprinklers in my clothes......

July 5th Not the Best Day of the Year...

July 5th 2002 around 1:00 we were driving toward Salmon, Idaho after dropping Marie off at college. Mike fell asleep at the wheel and we rolled at least three times. I still have vivid memories of being trapped in the car wondering where and how my children were, the jaws of life cutting me out, the ambulance ride, and the months of rehab. My body will be recovering from that for the rest of my life. I am sure my family and friends have noticed I usually do all the driving. I still can have flashbacks of rolling and I just feel safer behind the wheel. It still amazes me that Mike and the kids walked away from this.

July 5th 2008 was the day of Mike's funeral. It was a very beautiful service. I will never forget my friend staying close by just to hand me Kleenex. That was touching to me. She wasn't sure how else to help and yet that was one of the best things she could have done. The worst memory of that day was after they put the cassette in the car, the funeral director asked me if I wanted to say goodbye before they closed the door. I thought to myself, what kind of a question is that. Of course I didn't want to say good-bye, I never wanted to say good-bye. This wasn't even supposed to be happening. I was too young to be a widow.

So you can see, July 5th isn't exactly my favorite day of the year.

One More Hard Day Coming Up

I was right. My mind played last year over twice. First on Monday and Tuesday because those were the days of the week last year. I kept thinking about what was happening and when and how we were discovering Mike's death. It was almost surreal. Then again on Tuesday and Wednesday it played out because it was the actually dates of things. Sounds weird but Jeffrey said he kind of did the same thing. The first time it was more methodical. The second time it was more sad and there were more tears.
Rachel was off at a summer camp and spent an hour Tuesday night crying in her room with her roommate. I am thankful she had a friend with her. Marie decided to make it her own personal "Depression Awareness Day." Jeffrey and I talked and just had everything run through our heads over and over again. I think I shed more tears hearing about how hard it was for them then I did for myself. Let's hope the 5th isn't a replay of the funeral day.
I actually spent a lot of the day doing yard work, which I hate and Mike loved. So I guess I was still trying to please him and make the yard look good. Strange. I still think about him, us, our family a lot. I suppose I always will, but I am so ready to move on. I would love to find someone who has all Mike's good qualities like patience, kindness, integrity, honesty, and a good work ethic. I would also like to add the qualities I always felt were missing. I would love to have someone who would dote over me, hold me, and love me for who I was no matter what. Someone who isn't afraid to say, "I love you," instead of assuming I could tell by the things he did. Maybe I am unrealistic and asking for the moon, but I want to feel passionately loved next time around. What they heck, don't we all deserve the best for a little while in this life?

One Year and 5,500 Hits Later...

The house in Redmond sold and that is good.It is out of my hair forever. I now have no debt, but it is heartbreaking to walk away from that house only getting a $460,000 mortgage paid off and $19,500 in cash. The Realtors and others get the rest. Since $90,0000 went into that house in the last year it is very heartbreaking. That is life and at least it is now over. I drove by the house twice this weekend while I was over there. I don't know what I expected to find. It is just an empty shell, a house; it hasn't been a home for awhile.
My mind has been a bit confused today. Although Mike died on the 30th, last year it was on a Monday. So today everything kept playing out in my mind over and over. I feel like I will have to live it all over again tomorrow when it is actually the 30th. My mind just thinks about the fact that I called Reed on Monday night. In fact it was about this time at night that I was talking Reed into going over to the house to check on Mike. Although the death certificate says he died around 0100 which would be 1am, I know that it was later because he posted an e-mail to me at 4am. When Reed found him it was around 11:30pm.
I spent the day in Redmond with friends. I was hoping to keep my mind busy. As I chatted with them my mind would wander. I am very good at looking held together on the outside when inside I am a total mess. I finally felt like I just wanted to be alone so I drove back home to Sequim. So I guess I will be spending the 30th home alone. I don’t know if that is good or bad yet, but I just feel like being alone. Last night I had to take a sleeping pill to fall asleep. It will most likely be like that all week. I just can’t shut my mind off.
One year later and 5,500 hits to this blog, someone out there must be following all this. The big question I get is, “how are you really doing?” The answer is, “I don’t know.” Some days are good and some are bad. One year is up so most of the “firsts” are over. I don’t think it gets easier, I just think distance makes the pain softer until someone else can come along and fill in the void. I hope the kids are all okay. Rachel is off at a summer camp (EFY) with friends around her. Marie and Jeffrey are together hopefully giving each other support. For me, I just felt like being alone.

Made it Through Friday and Saturday

Friday - After a LONG annoying time, the house in Redmond closed Friday. I sold it for $100,000 less then it was worth, but it is no longer a thorn in my side anymore. The closing date changed 3 times this week. The buyers almost backed out over a $300 credit they wanted to fix something their inspector said was fine. Oh well, it is over. Rachel and I went camping with some other girls and had a good time. I actually got up early (I didn't sleep so might as well) and walked to the overlook of the beach. It was cool to see a bald eagle soaring above the beach, but below me. Good luck I hope!
Saturday - After coming home from camping we drove to the closest mall (one hour away) and did some retail therapy! We rushed home at 6 and then had 12 kids show up to watch a movie on the big screen. Keeps my mind busy and off of things I don't want to think about.

Sleep? I Hear It's Over Rated

It is 4am and I have been lying in bed for over 4 hours trying to fall asleep. To late to take anything but I think I need to find those sleeping pills the doctor prescribed last summer. The cats been in my face all night so I finally got up to find out that he was out of dry cat food. That explains his behavior. As for me, I just can't seem to shut off my mind.....

Count Down to the One Year Mark

So like always I have been keeping myself busy, but then I have to deal with reality. I had a wonderful weekend in Redmond with all my kids. Jeffrey, Marie and baby Ethan flew in for my girlfriend's daughter's wedding. The bride also happens to be one of Jeffery's best buddies from high school. Rachel was a junior bridesmaid in the wedding at Mary Queen of Peace and it was beautiful. Rachel was beautiful too! I was able to see a lot of co-workers and friends.
Like always, spending time with my kids was a blast but ended too soon. After taking them to the airport Sunday, I had to go over to our old house to make sure things were ready for the sale and closing on Thursday. Rachel didn't want to go so I dropped her off at a friends. Somewhat of a bad move because I now had to go over there alone, again and for the last time.
As I finished up the things I had to do at the house, I finally sat on the steps and cried. Cried over all the wonderful memories of raising my kids in that house, cried that I had to let it go, and cried over how it all ended there. As I had walked through each room, a memory came to me. . . some good, some bad. The laughter of Rachel (4) and Jeffrey (10) racing to the bathroom and Rachel winning because she bit Jeffrey on the butt. The joy and excitement when we told Marie & Jeffrey we were having another baby. The fun times of teenagers sitting on the leather couch taking and laughing (the kids won't let me sell that couch!) The images of the kids waiting at the top of the stairs every Christmas until we said they could come down. The exciting themed birthday parties we use to have. How we could always find Mike asleep on a heater vent and even once in the garage under a car! So many memories after 18 years there. When Rachel's first hamster died Mike, Rachel and I all climb into our big king size bed and just held each other and cried. Mike always took it hard when an animal died. He was there alone when he had to deal with putting Marie's cat of 15 years down. He called Marie from the vet and let her talk to Katy and then stayed in the room while they put her to sleep. He was always tender with the animals even though he would complain about their hair and messes.
We have a fun series of pictures on the leather couch as the kids were growing up. In fact I have
lots of pictures. Almost 15 albums worth of pictures! It is still a little hard for me to look at the old family pictures but time will change that. I am trying not to count down to the one year mark, but it is hard. I would be lying if I said I was not looking back and reflecting on things and wondering a bit. I try not to stay there too long. I think what is hardest right now, is that I keep trying to imagine what was going through his head that last week a year ago. It is strange though, how I have never felt Mike's presence around, not even there at the old house.

I Love My Kids!

Have I ever mentioned how wonderful my kids are? They are a great support to me and I probably don't tell them enough how much they mean to me.
Marie is an amazing mother! She is a joy to watch taking care of her son Ethan. Chris and her have an amazing relationship. I have loved watching her grow into the women she is. She has her struggles but deep down she is a very strong women. I love to listen to her play the piano. She was blessed with a great talent for that.
Jeffrey, well I have always wondered why I was so lucky to raise such an outstanding young man. He is so centered and very strong in his convictions and faith. He has an amazing understanding of the purpose of life. He is a great example to our family and the center of our family strength. His example of hard work and endurance is a blessing and example to all of us.
Rachel is unbelievable! The death of her father has been very hard on her, yet she has made a choice to rise above it and try to understand the purpose of God's plan for us. She works so hard at school and tries to follow her brothers example of hard work. Most kids in her shoes would have chose to retreat and crawl in a hole. She chose to get involved in school and surround herself with good people.
We all have are faults. That is one reason we are on earth, to overcome our faults and become better people. As a mom, I couldn't have hand picked better children. They are a large part of the reason I have been able to go on and get through this year as well as I have.
Kids, if you read this, I LOVE YOU. You are my diamonds.

This Is Going To Be A Long Month...

At the end of this month it will be the one year anniversary of Mike's death. So I guess I should just expect that things will be a little crazy. For starters, I am learning that I don't know how to take care of a home! It took a week of trying different things to get the swamp cooler set right. I still can't get the motion light to work correctly and now the motor for the irrigation ditch is cracked because I didn't winterize it last fall. I just figured out the water softener! How do people survive without a handyman for a husband? It costs a small fortune to call someone in to fix things. The drain stop broke in my sink, how do you fix that???
The buyers almost backed out of buying the house in Redmond. That was scary, but I just kept praying. I guess until the 25th they still could back out. It is killing me to pay the mortgage, lawn care, and staging for that house until it sells. Now the kids are telling me the house in Utah has a leek around the toilet (flashback of the hole in my ceiling for 8 years from the last toilet leak) and the rain gutters are missing on part of the house. People actually enjoy owning real estate?
Tuesday was a really bad day, everything seemed off. I can't even remember what happened! The IRS stuff is still hanging over my head. It seems like everything is just nuts right now. I even lost it on the phone with my daughter......again. About 95% of the time I can brush it all off and smile but this week has been a tough one. I can only imagine over the next few weeks it will get harder.
As to not depress anyone, let me end on a happier note. I hit the jackpot at an estate sale!!! The lady was a true shopaholic. Seriously. She bought clothes and never wore them. Some were mail order clothes still in the packages. She even bought the same thing in 4 different sizes. They were all brand new with the tags still on. It was like a small boutique on someones front lawn! They totalled up the lowest price on the tag and then took off 80%! So I bought $415 worth of NEW skirts, dresses and tops for $80. So I just got a new wardrobe for $80!!! The $415 was the lowest price on the tags. Some of the items were originally $40 marked down to $20 that I paid $4 for So I guess her curse was my blessing. If I am not careful I may shop myself through this month!

Life Has Been Busy, But Good

Maybe I am not getting on here as much because life is moving on and I have less to talk about... I doubt it, but I have been very busy. One thing I did last fall when I finally had access to all our accounts was to take a small stock and sell it. Good timing too! Anyway, I put that aside for fun money. I knew that this first year would be hard on me and my family. I wanted to be able to get away if we needed to especially at the holidays. Hence the Thanksgiving trip to Victoria Canada with all the kids and the Christmas trip to Hawaii with Jeffrey and Rachel. It also allowed me to go to California in March and help out a friend in need. Well the money is almost gone now but we did finish it off with one last trip! Some good friends were going to Disneyland and had a 4 bedroom condo, actually it was the presidential suite, and at the last minute asked us if we want to go. Two seconds later I had airline tickets to Orange County. My friends drove down and didn't tell their daughter we were coming. So when they got to the condo, we were already there. The surprise on their daughters face when she saw Rachel was priceless.

So I guess you could say for my late birthday present to myself, we went to Disneyland. We had a fun time there for 5 days and even went to see the Medieval Times dinner entertainment show complete with jousting. What a fun time. Now I will say that there were some very lonely times too. It isn't always fun to be the third wheel with the two teenagers. Most rides I was by myself and that was hard sometimes. I also know that I need to give the girls space. So I tried really hard to give them time alone. That often meant I was alone too. Those are the hard times. I will really have to think hard about what I want to do when Rachel graduates from high school. I am fine at the house for a day or two alone, but months..... Rachel says I am going to follow her to college. I think she will drag me with her! We are very close and I am thankful for that.

On another topic, my nephew Michael and I went to a single adult conference. I hadn't seen him since he came back from his second tour of duty in Iraq so it was really fun to be with him. As for attending single adult activities, well let's just say, weird. Last time I went to one was last August and I wasn't ready to really mingle. This time there were just not that many people worth mingling with! Those that were are not interested in me. So the dilemma remains, how do you meet good guys. After sitting though 6 songs at the dance, my nephew and I went into another room and played a game. I guess I am not ready to be the lead and go ask a guy to dance. Don't get me wrong, I love to dance. In fact, that is one reason why dances are so hard for me. Mike and I could dance. We could be out of sorts with each other and you get us on the dance floor and we looked and danced as if we were madly in love. It was always something we just clicked at.

One last interesting thing I did that is surprising to some people is I taught a class to adults on how to survive a death. I have learned so much on the paperwork side of things. My sister-in-law gave me a red folder file system the week Mike passed away and I used it to organize myself. It was a real life savor that I still refer to. So I taught about 12 people how to set it up and what is important to do and not to do in the event of a death. It was a very rewarding class to teach.

Bad news: As for the IRS, I am still in a mess with them after their screw up. It will take months to get this figured out.
Good news: after 11 months I have a buyer for my house. If all goes well, it will close on June 25 and I will be done with the Redmond home for good.
Bad news: it is selling for $100,000 less then it would have a 1 1/2 years ago when it should have been put on the market. Oh well.
Good news: It is a beautiful day and I am going to go out and mow the yard and be happy about it...

The Good and the Bad

It is late at night and I haven't been on here in awhile. We have had a busy month with the school production of Beauty and the Beast. This was my second year as the house manager and pre-ticket sale person. When you have 6 shows and can seat 600 people a show, that is a busy job! We only had two nights that seating was down to the last few seats, so it wasn't as bad as last year.
I have also been working a lot. The past two weeks I haven't worked because I got a bad cough after working in attendance where all the sick kids come use my phone!!! I can't remember if I mentioned that I received my life time substitute teaching certificate. It is good for K-12th grade. So I had the fun opportunity to teach high school history for 3 days in a row. It was fun because Rachel was in one of my classes! The first day the kids got a little crazy (normal for how they act with a sub) so on the second day Rachel was gone for the first part of class. When she walked in they were quiet and respectful. She was shocked so when we got home she asked me what I did to change the kids. Well, I believe in a little bribery, so I told them I would bring them all brownies for my birthday on the third day if they were good. That meant brownies for 150 kids or 5 classes worth! But I made them all and it was fun. The main reason they were good though is because I told them I didn't have to be there. I told them I didn't have to work but I did because I enjoyed the kids. I am a laid back sub and we can have a lot of fun together but they have to be respectful and no swearing. If not, I won't come back. They all said I was the best sub ever and they wanted me back so they would be good. Wow, that was easy!!!
So let me go back to my birthday. Worked all day and ate brownies with the kids. Rachel and I were planning to go to Applebees for dinner, but she wanted to take a friend so it wouldn't be so boring... so I spent my birthday dinner with 5 teenagers at Applebees! It was really fun. One of the kids asked the waitress to cut my food into little pieces because I was OLD now. Fun times. I had a blond moment when she brought me a little red sculptured balloon and I said, "ah, what a cute tomato." Everyone stared at me blankly then in unison said, "It is an Apple...Applebees..." So I felt my old age of 50 and wondered if my mind was going. I did receive flowers from a few people and that was wonderful. I love flowers.
There were also a few tough moments in the last few weeks. I have always said that my marriage contract said I did the inside of the house and Mike did the outside. It was kind of a joke between us. Well now I have to do the outside too. Most weeks from April to October, I have to mow the lawn twice a week. That is two acres of grass to mow with the sit down mower, then weed wack, then mow certain areas with the push mower. As you can imagine it takes me about 3-4 hours each time. Most of the time I don't mind it, but last week was awful. The grass had managed to grow 4-5 inches before I could cut it. It had rained whenever I had time to cut it so it just grew. When I finally had a chance to mow, it was still damp in some areas and very windy. I didn't finish until 8:30pm and the sit down mower kept jamming and sliding all over from damp grass. I was so mad. With the lawn mower being loud and no one living near us, I took this opportunity to scream, cry and complain about how mad I was that Mike would leave this for me to deal with. Sounds weird but I guess I temporarily lost it. It actually felt good to be upset for a brief time. At least there was a release of emotion. Marie called that night to complain about something and I snapped, "it is my turn to have a bad day, I don't want to hear about yours!" I don't normally get that way so I am sure it surprised her.
I also finally talked to someone about getting a headstone for Mike. It has almost taken me a year to do this. Crazy but I haven't wanted to deal with it.

A 28th Wedding Anniversary I Will Never Forget

I spent May 1st, staying busy. I took some May Day flowers to friends and then went to the theatre to paint & help out. I tried to keep busy and not think about the fact that it would have been my 28th wedding anniversary. I succeeded in keeping busy which isn't hard when you are involved in a theatre production that opens in a week! I was trying to keep busy because today would have been my 28th anniversary if my husband was still alive...
By the time we got home it was a little after 11pm. A few of the boys came to our house with pizza and we chatted a bit. As I walked by my hallway, I noticed that my bedroom door at the end was shut and my light was on. It made me a little nervous since I knew I hadn't been in there. I called out to the kids asking them if anyone had been in my room and there was silence. I thought something was unusual about all this, so I went to check it out. I opened my door to find a bouquet of flowers by my bed and papers on my bed in the shape of a big heart. One was place in the middle and simply said, "read me first." As I opened it I read, "Mommy! You didn't think I'd really forget your 28th anniversary did you?!? I hope today wasn't too hard. Here are 28 letters from 28 people who love you dearly. So many people love and appreciate you. I know daddy loves you still and is watching over you. Our family is forever." Rachel
You can imagine tears flowed as I read the expressions of love and kind words from 28 of the wonderful youth in our area. Some know me from church and some from the high school. There were even a few youth that heard about it later and wanted to add a letter. I can't express how my heart was touched by their words. They turned a day that could have been dificult into one of the most cherished days of my life. I love the youth and the wonderful parents that are raising them. You have touched my life forever.