Earlier this year, my daughter wrote a beautiful post on Infertility
and the difficulty it was to go through. It was an eye opener. So I took
her format and wrote what it is like to be a widow. This Christmas
season, take care of the widows in your life. It is a hard place to be
and none of us asked for the title.
What does it mean to be a widow?
It is making decisions you thought you would never have to make
It is deciding if you want your name on a headstone yet
It is cooking for one
It is candle lite dinners alone
It is trying to figure out where you fit in
It is sitting home lonely because you don't want to be a burden to anyone
It is learning to live alone, for the first time in your life
It is holding yourself together for your children
It is learning to sing and smile again
It is filing paperwork to get what is rightfully yours
It is trying to make everyone happy with your decision
It is a ton of 'why me'
It is piling junk on the bed so the space next to you doesn't seem so empty
It is having the first year of difficult dates pass, when everyone else is over your loss in a week
It is not knowing what to do with your future
It is staying out late with your widow friends so you don't have to go home to an empty house
It is wishing couples wouldn't complain about being married
It is wanting to be surrounded by family during holidays so you won't feel so alone
It is wondering if your kids will call
It is being told not to talk to your friend's husband anymore because you are single
It is being forgotten when your church has a dance or party for couples
It is learning to kill the spiders, fix the electrical issues, and make your own home repairs
It is having a hole in your heart and life
It is not having someone to discuss politics rationally with anymore
It is not having someone's hand to hold when you need strength
It is holding your pet when there is no one to hold you
It is trying to feel love on Valentine's Day
It is hiding the pain of loneliness
It is not wanting to date because you can't ever replace your spouse
It is wanting to date so you don't have to live alone
It is not being invited out with your married friends anymore
It is going out to dinner alone
It is not having someone to kiss on New Year's Eve
It is wondering if you are a horrible person when you move on
It is deciding when to take off your wedding ring
It is depending on God for survival and to walk with you
It is finding out you have joined the Widows Club, a club you didn't want to join with a very high entry price paid
Showing posts with label death. Show all posts
Showing posts with label death. Show all posts
Monday, December 7, 2015
Tuesday, July 14, 2015
Please Stop Saying "Committed" Suicide by Kyle Freeman
This is something I had not really thought about. I like her thought process on this. It has a softer feel and not so harsh. I included her blog site and this entire post below. I will be walking in the 'SLC Out of the Darkness' walk on September 19. You can donate in Mike's memory at:
Donate in Memory of Michael Chumley
Kyle's Blog
Before my brother Jeff died by suicide, I never thought about the way I talked about suicide. Immediately following his death and for a long time after, I was so shocked that the terms used to describe how he died mattered little. But as time passes, and the shock subsides, I’ve discovered that I bristle each time I hear the expression “committed” suicide. Historically, in the United States and beyond, the act of suicide was deemed a crime. Until as recently as 1963, six states still considered attempted suicide a criminal act. This is so insanely absurd to me that I’m not going to expend any more energy on the history of the topic.
Thankfully laws have changed, but our language has not. And the residue of shame associated with the committal of a genuine crime, remains attached to suicide. My brother did NOT commit a crime. He resorted to suicide, which he perceived, in his unwell mind, to be the only possible solution to his tremendous suffering. If I was telling you about a friend or loved one who actually did commit a crime, chances are that I’d feel at least a little embarrassment or shame on behalf of that person. But I don’t feel even the tiniest bit of shame about how Jeff died. Of course, I wish with every fiber of my being that we had been able to successfully help Jeff and that he was alive today. But shame, nope, I don’t feel that about my brother. I focus on how proud I am of who he was in his life – passionate, thoughtful beyond words, brilliant, determined, and braver than most people I know, for enduring his pain as long as he did. Yes, Jeff Freeman was a brave, brave man. As is any person who grapples with deep emotional distress day after day, year after year.
When you have occasion to talk about suicide, please try to refer to someone dying by suicide. By shifting our language around suicide, we have the power to reduce some of the massive shame carried by survivors of suicide. If you feel scared or helpless about what to say to someone you know who’s lost someone to suicide, take comfort in knowing that, by changing your language about suicide, you’re offering a counter cultural act of kindness. It might seem small but the interpersonal and political impact is nothing but huge.
Donate in Memory of Michael Chumley
Kyle's Blog
Before my brother Jeff died by suicide, I never thought about the way I talked about suicide. Immediately following his death and for a long time after, I was so shocked that the terms used to describe how he died mattered little. But as time passes, and the shock subsides, I’ve discovered that I bristle each time I hear the expression “committed” suicide. Historically, in the United States and beyond, the act of suicide was deemed a crime. Until as recently as 1963, six states still considered attempted suicide a criminal act. This is so insanely absurd to me that I’m not going to expend any more energy on the history of the topic.
When you have occasion to talk about suicide, please try to refer to someone dying by suicide. By shifting our language around suicide, we have the power to reduce some of the massive shame carried by survivors of suicide. If you feel scared or helpless about what to say to someone you know who’s lost someone to suicide, take comfort in knowing that, by changing your language about suicide, you’re offering a counter cultural act of kindness. It might seem small but the interpersonal and political impact is nothing but huge.
Monday, July 13, 2015
‘LONELY’ NOT POWERFUL ENOUGH WORD TO DESCRIBE WIDOWHOOD Written by Catherine Tidd
I found this to be a great article. I have been a widow now for 7 years and can feel totally alone in a crowded room. It is surreal.
http://www.opentohope.com/lonely-not-powerful-enough-word-to-describe-widowhood/#comment-1596522My
http://www.opentohope.com/lonely-not-powerful-enough-word-to-describe-widowhood/#comment-1596522My
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Life Is Too Short
I am going on with life like normal, but one of my teenage friends is losing her mom to cancer as we speak. I feel so helpless in what to say or do for her and her family. It is so strange how after going through loss myself, I still find it hard knowing what to do to help others. I can't change the outcome of what is going to happen. I can't tell her everything will be fine because for a long time it won't. It is hard to lose a parent, but as a teenager it must be painful. I know for Rachel every time something new comes up she can't share it with her dad and it is hard. It makes me cry when I think of both these girls growing up without one of their parents. They are definitely both strong girls, but also very sensitive. You have to keep going knowing that there is a bigger picture. God has a purpose even if we don't understand it. My friend has some rough weeks ahead of her. For now I do know I can pray and give her my love. That is the one thing I constantly needed, the love and prayers of others. Just to know someone is thinking about you helps tons. I love you and your family Kim, hang in there. I will always be available for mommy hugs...I am good at that.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Too Many Emotions for 24 Hours!
On Sunday night, Jeffrey called to tell us he was formally engaged. He had told me a few days earlier it was going to take place, so it wasn't shocking or anything. We talked about how it happened and what the plans were. Then of course I sent out an e-mail to tons of friends and family. He asked me if there was anyone I thought he should call, like grandma. Well it was about 9pm and I figured that the rehab facility she was in had already put her to bed, so I told him to call her in the morning.
I have learned over the years that when a call comes in before normal waking hours it usually is not very good. So at 5:30am when my phone rang and I saw that it was my mom's love Phil, I knew it wasn't good. Through tears and anguish he told me that my mom had passed away in her sleep at 5:15am. I was shocked. She was doing so well and improving so much everyday. We were both in shock.
As he left to go to the center to see her, I called my sister. She was shocked too. We had both just been to see her and she was doing so well. After the stroke two weeks earlier mom had already gained the mobility of her right hand back and was even feeding herself. I called the rehab center in hopes, I guess, that there had been a mistake made. No mistake. In fact a lot of apologizes for not calling me first as next of kin and power of attorney. I was so glad that called Phil first.
As you can imagine, I couldn't go back to sleep. It was a bit early but I started to gather information that I would need like addresses of the funeral homes, cemetery, relatives, etc. I was already to start taking care of things by the time it was 9. The mortuary in Vancouver was a bit more difficult to work with then the one in Petaluma where she needed to be shipped, but we got everything taken care of. At times like these you go into this numb state of just having to get things done. I am good at that.
In the mist of dealing with all of this, I had to go to an appointment for my aunt with the rehab center she is at. Well I walked in 5 minutes late and everyone is sitting there and my aunt blurts out, "always late aren't you." May I say in my defense that I am not always late. I am often late when dealing with her just because I have to get in the right frame of mind! Anyway, I stood in the doorway and just blurted out, "Donna, my mom passed away this morning." Of course everyone sat there not knowing what to do or say while I realized the my mom was also Donna's sister. So I chuckled and said, "you are right, I am always late. Thanks for making me laugh for a minute." We hugged and shed a quick tear and then got down to business.
Now remember, my son just got engaged and then my mom passed away. Now I am sitting in this meeting being told that Donna could be released on the 25th but had to go home to 24 hour care and could she come to my home... Let's just say I sat there in a daze shaking my head and saying yes because she is family and what else am I supposed to do? My head was spinning and the walls were closing in.
After arriving home, I started to realize I could not do this to my daughter her senior year. I could not do this to myself. I don't have the strength physically, spiritually or mentally. Fortunately I was able to talk to my Bishop who agreed that we needed to find a better way to take care of Donna. I felt some relief and then went back to making the arrangements for my mom.
I have learned over the years that when a call comes in before normal waking hours it usually is not very good. So at 5:30am when my phone rang and I saw that it was my mom's love Phil, I knew it wasn't good. Through tears and anguish he told me that my mom had passed away in her sleep at 5:15am. I was shocked. She was doing so well and improving so much everyday. We were both in shock.
As he left to go to the center to see her, I called my sister. She was shocked too. We had both just been to see her and she was doing so well. After the stroke two weeks earlier mom had already gained the mobility of her right hand back and was even feeding herself. I called the rehab center in hopes, I guess, that there had been a mistake made. No mistake. In fact a lot of apologizes for not calling me first as next of kin and power of attorney. I was so glad that called Phil first.
As you can imagine, I couldn't go back to sleep. It was a bit early but I started to gather information that I would need like addresses of the funeral homes, cemetery, relatives, etc. I was already to start taking care of things by the time it was 9. The mortuary in Vancouver was a bit more difficult to work with then the one in Petaluma where she needed to be shipped, but we got everything taken care of. At times like these you go into this numb state of just having to get things done. I am good at that.
In the mist of dealing with all of this, I had to go to an appointment for my aunt with the rehab center she is at. Well I walked in 5 minutes late and everyone is sitting there and my aunt blurts out, "always late aren't you." May I say in my defense that I am not always late. I am often late when dealing with her just because I have to get in the right frame of mind! Anyway, I stood in the doorway and just blurted out, "Donna, my mom passed away this morning." Of course everyone sat there not knowing what to do or say while I realized the my mom was also Donna's sister. So I chuckled and said, "you are right, I am always late. Thanks for making me laugh for a minute." We hugged and shed a quick tear and then got down to business.
Now remember, my son just got engaged and then my mom passed away. Now I am sitting in this meeting being told that Donna could be released on the 25th but had to go home to 24 hour care and could she come to my home... Let's just say I sat there in a daze shaking my head and saying yes because she is family and what else am I supposed to do? My head was spinning and the walls were closing in.
After arriving home, I started to realize I could not do this to my daughter her senior year. I could not do this to myself. I don't have the strength physically, spiritually or mentally. Fortunately I was able to talk to my Bishop who agreed that we needed to find a better way to take care of Donna. I felt some relief and then went back to making the arrangements for my mom.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Don't Give Up
One thing I hate the most about depression is how it not only mess up the person with it, but it can and usually does mess up the entire family. Due to my situation, I have had a lot of people talk to me about depression. I have had people suffering from depression as well as family members of those suffering talk to me. I am not an expert or a doctor but I know what I see and what I lived with.
I think that it should be mandatory for a patient suffering with depression to have a healthy person close to the patient designated to attend appointments with them. Patients don't seem to always give the doctor all the information, or they see the doctor on a day they are feeling a bit better. I think I could have given Mike's doctors better information on what was happening and how he sometimes acted. Mike didn't even realize some of the things he was doing, how on earth would he be able to tell a doctor what was going on?
Depression can get so bad for a person they truly don't think straight. All they see surrounds themselves. How the world would be better off without them, how no one really cares about them, or how their friends and family could get along much better without them. In all cases these are incorrect assumptions.
My husband truly felt we would be happier and survive just fine without him. The pain he was suffering was way more then what we would ever suffer with him gone. Some people might even see how well my family is doing and think that this might be true. But it is not. I have a 16 year old that cries when she thinks about the fact that her dad won't be here for her first date let alone her wedding. She has separation anxiety from me because she is afraid I will die and she will be left without a parent. Mike wasn't here to teach her to drive, help her with her math and won't be here to see his grandchildren. There is the pain that it causes my older daughter who suffers from the awful disease of depression. She has seen what it does and doesn't want that to happen to her. There is the scare for my two younger children wonder if they will ever have symptoms of it someday. So I have to be strong, I have to be stable and I have to be a constant study person in their lives.
I have always been a strong independent woman. So I do cope better then most. Mike also made sure that we wouldn't have to struggle too much financially. Most families who lose a loved one from death due to depression aren't as fortunate as I was financially. But who really cares about the money? I would rather have Mike alive then all the money in the world, but even he couldn't see that.
Our marriage wasn't perfect and some times there was a lot of distance between us, but at least we were there for each other most of the time. Now I am alone and I have never felt so lonely in my life. When a marriage is ended like this there is a void that we try to fill with our children, friends or work. I have done that well. My children mean the world to me and I would do anything for them, but there is still void. There is something about a partner that you can't replace with those things.
So no matter how much pain the sufferer of depression is in, it is a false assumption to think the lives of those around you will be better with you gone. A patient diagnosed with cancer will usually fight a hard battle, but for some reason a patient with depression will want to give up. Don't give up. Fight hard and keep looking until you find what will work for you. Don't wait until you are so down you can't hardly get up again. And most of all pray we find a cure. I know I am.
I think that it should be mandatory for a patient suffering with depression to have a healthy person close to the patient designated to attend appointments with them. Patients don't seem to always give the doctor all the information, or they see the doctor on a day they are feeling a bit better. I think I could have given Mike's doctors better information on what was happening and how he sometimes acted. Mike didn't even realize some of the things he was doing, how on earth would he be able to tell a doctor what was going on?
Depression can get so bad for a person they truly don't think straight. All they see surrounds themselves. How the world would be better off without them, how no one really cares about them, or how their friends and family could get along much better without them. In all cases these are incorrect assumptions.
My husband truly felt we would be happier and survive just fine without him. The pain he was suffering was way more then what we would ever suffer with him gone. Some people might even see how well my family is doing and think that this might be true. But it is not. I have a 16 year old that cries when she thinks about the fact that her dad won't be here for her first date let alone her wedding. She has separation anxiety from me because she is afraid I will die and she will be left without a parent. Mike wasn't here to teach her to drive, help her with her math and won't be here to see his grandchildren. There is the pain that it causes my older daughter who suffers from the awful disease of depression. She has seen what it does and doesn't want that to happen to her. There is the scare for my two younger children wonder if they will ever have symptoms of it someday. So I have to be strong, I have to be stable and I have to be a constant study person in their lives.
I have always been a strong independent woman. So I do cope better then most. Mike also made sure that we wouldn't have to struggle too much financially. Most families who lose a loved one from death due to depression aren't as fortunate as I was financially. But who really cares about the money? I would rather have Mike alive then all the money in the world, but even he couldn't see that.
Our marriage wasn't perfect and some times there was a lot of distance between us, but at least we were there for each other most of the time. Now I am alone and I have never felt so lonely in my life. When a marriage is ended like this there is a void that we try to fill with our children, friends or work. I have done that well. My children mean the world to me and I would do anything for them, but there is still void. There is something about a partner that you can't replace with those things.
So no matter how much pain the sufferer of depression is in, it is a false assumption to think the lives of those around you will be better with you gone. A patient diagnosed with cancer will usually fight a hard battle, but for some reason a patient with depression will want to give up. Don't give up. Fight hard and keep looking until you find what will work for you. Don't wait until you are so down you can't hardly get up again. And most of all pray we find a cure. I know I am.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
One More Hard Day Coming Up
I was right. My mind played last year over twice. First on Monday and Tuesday because those were the days of the week last year. I kept thinking about what was happening and when and how we were discovering Mike's death. It was almost surreal. Then again on Tuesday and Wednesday it played out because it was the actually dates of things. Sounds weird but Jeffrey said he kind of did the same thing. The first time it was more methodical. The second time it was more sad and there were more tears.
Rachel was off at a summer camp and spent an hour Tuesday night crying in her room with her roommate. I am thankful she had a friend with her. Marie decided to make it her own personal "Depression Awareness Day." Jeffrey and I talked and just had everything run through our heads over and over again. I think I shed more tears hearing about how hard it was for them then I did for myself. Let's hope the 5th isn't a replay of the funeral day.
I actually spent a lot of the day doing yard work, which I hate and Mike loved. So I guess I was still trying to please him and make the yard look good. Strange. I still think about him, us, our family a lot. I suppose I always will, but I am so ready to move on. I would love to find someone who has all Mike's good qualities like patience, kindness, integrity, honesty, and a good work ethic. I would also like to add the qualities I always felt were missing. I would love to have someone who would dote over me, hold me, and love me for who I was no matter what. Someone who isn't afraid to say, "I love you," instead of assuming I could tell by the things he did. Maybe I am unrealistic and asking for the moon, but I want to feel passionately loved next time around. What they heck, don't we all deserve the best for a little while in this life?
Rachel was off at a summer camp and spent an hour Tuesday night crying in her room with her roommate. I am thankful she had a friend with her. Marie decided to make it her own personal "Depression Awareness Day." Jeffrey and I talked and just had everything run through our heads over and over again. I think I shed more tears hearing about how hard it was for them then I did for myself. Let's hope the 5th isn't a replay of the funeral day.
I actually spent a lot of the day doing yard work, which I hate and Mike loved. So I guess I was still trying to please him and make the yard look good. Strange. I still think about him, us, our family a lot. I suppose I always will, but I am so ready to move on. I would love to find someone who has all Mike's good qualities like patience, kindness, integrity, honesty, and a good work ethic. I would also like to add the qualities I always felt were missing. I would love to have someone who would dote over me, hold me, and love me for who I was no matter what. Someone who isn't afraid to say, "I love you," instead of assuming I could tell by the things he did. Maybe I am unrealistic and asking for the moon, but I want to feel passionately loved next time around. What they heck, don't we all deserve the best for a little while in this life?
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Life Has Been Busy, But Good
Maybe I am not getting on here as much because life is moving on and I have less to talk about... I doubt it, but I have been very busy. One thing I did last fall when I finally had access to all our accounts was to take a small stock and sell it. Good timing too! Anyway, I put that aside for fun money. I knew that this first year would be hard on me and my family. I wanted to be able to get away if we needed to especially at the holidays. Hence the Thanksgiving trip to Victoria Canada with all the kids and the Christmas trip to Hawaii with Jeffrey and Rachel. It also allowed me to go to California in March and help out a friend in need. Well the money is almost gone now but we did finish it off with one last trip! Some good friends were going to Disneyland and had a 4 bedroom condo, actually it was the presidential suite, and at the last minute asked us if we want to go. Two seconds later I had airline tickets to Orange County. My friends drove down and didn't tell their daughter we were coming. So when they got to the condo, we were already there. The surprise on their daughters face when she saw Rachel was priceless.
So I guess you could say for my late birthday present to myself, we went to Disneyland. We had a fun time there for 5 days and even went to see the Medieval Times dinner entertainment show complete with jousting. What a fun time. Now I will say that there were some very lonely times too. It isn't always fun to be the third wheel with the two teenagers. Most rides I was by myself and that was hard sometimes. I also know that I need to give the girls space. So I tried really hard to give them time alone. That often meant I was alone too. Those are the hard times. I will really have to think hard about what I want to do when Rachel graduates from high school. I am fine at the house for a day or two alone, but months..... Rachel says I am going to follow her to college. I think she will drag me with her! We are very close and I am thankful for that.
On another topic, my nephew Michael and I went to a single adult conference. I hadn't seen him since he came back from his second tour of duty in Iraq so it was really fun to be with him. As for attending single adult activities, well let's just say, weird. Last time I went to one was last August and I wasn't ready to really mingle. This time there were just not that many people worth mingling with! Those that were are not interested in me. So the dilemma remains, how do you meet good guys. After sitting though 6 songs at the dance, my nephew and I went into another room and played a game. I guess I am not ready to be the lead and go ask a guy to dance. Don't get me wrong, I love to dance. In fact, that is one reason why dances are so hard for me. Mike and I could dance. We could be out of sorts with each other and you get us on the dance floor and we looked and danced as if we were madly in love. It was always something we just clicked at.
One last interesting thing I did that is surprising to some people is I taught a class to adults on how to survive a death. I have learned so much on the paperwork side of things. My sister-in-law gave me a red folder file system the week Mike passed away and I used it to organize myself. It was a real life savor that I still refer to. So I taught about 12 people how to set it up and what is important to do and not to do in the event of a death. It was a very rewarding class to teach.
Bad news: As for the IRS, I am still in a mess with them after their screw up. It will take months to get this figured out.
Good news: after 11 months I have a buyer for my house. If all goes well, it will close on June 25 and I will be done with the Redmond home for good.
Bad news: it is selling for $100,000 less then it would have a 1 1/2 years ago when it should have been put on the market. Oh well.
Good news: It is a beautiful day and I am going to go out and mow the yard and be happy about it...
So I guess you could say for my late birthday present to myself, we went to Disneyland. We had a fun time there for 5 days and even went to see the Medieval Times dinner entertainment show complete with jousting. What a fun time. Now I will say that there were some very lonely times too. It isn't always fun to be the third wheel with the two teenagers. Most rides I was by myself and that was hard sometimes. I also know that I need to give the girls space. So I tried really hard to give them time alone. That often meant I was alone too. Those are the hard times. I will really have to think hard about what I want to do when Rachel graduates from high school. I am fine at the house for a day or two alone, but months..... Rachel says I am going to follow her to college. I think she will drag me with her! We are very close and I am thankful for that.
On another topic, my nephew Michael and I went to a single adult conference. I hadn't seen him since he came back from his second tour of duty in Iraq so it was really fun to be with him. As for attending single adult activities, well let's just say, weird. Last time I went to one was last August and I wasn't ready to really mingle. This time there were just not that many people worth mingling with! Those that were are not interested in me. So the dilemma remains, how do you meet good guys. After sitting though 6 songs at the dance, my nephew and I went into another room and played a game. I guess I am not ready to be the lead and go ask a guy to dance. Don't get me wrong, I love to dance. In fact, that is one reason why dances are so hard for me. Mike and I could dance. We could be out of sorts with each other and you get us on the dance floor and we looked and danced as if we were madly in love. It was always something we just clicked at.
One last interesting thing I did that is surprising to some people is I taught a class to adults on how to survive a death. I have learned so much on the paperwork side of things. My sister-in-law gave me a red folder file system the week Mike passed away and I used it to organize myself. It was a real life savor that I still refer to. So I taught about 12 people how to set it up and what is important to do and not to do in the event of a death. It was a very rewarding class to teach.
Bad news: As for the IRS, I am still in a mess with them after their screw up. It will take months to get this figured out.
Good news: after 11 months I have a buyer for my house. If all goes well, it will close on June 25 and I will be done with the Redmond home for good.
Bad news: it is selling for $100,000 less then it would have a 1 1/2 years ago when it should have been put on the market. Oh well.
Good news: It is a beautiful day and I am going to go out and mow the yard and be happy about it...
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Rachel Blames Herself. . .
Sometimes I don't even know where to start, my thoughts are going in many sporadic directions. Sunday started out as a normal day, but by bedtime everything changed. Rachel was in bed and reminded me to come say prayers. So I did and then went back to getting ready for bed. A few minutes later I heard her crying. So I climbed into bed with her and held her while she cried.
When she finally felt like talking, she mentioned that she was afraid dad's death may have been her fault. I knew how she felt, but I also know that his death was his choice. For the last year we where trying to run two households two hours and a ferry ride apart and it was a big mistake. Mike didn't come over that weekend because he would only be able to come for two days and he was planning to come over the following week on the Forth of July for 5 days. By Sunday night he had already decided to take his own life. He had made that choice. He called us and everyone was home so he talked to each one of us. That really wasn't out of the ordinary. I wish I could remember what I did or didn't say that night but I don't. I remember laughing and having a good conversation. Rachel remembers telling him that it was a waste of money and gas to come over for two days. Looking back it made her feel guilty for telling him that. She thought that if she would have told him to come, he may still be alive today. That is a lot of weight on the shoulders of a teenager. We talked and I assured her that he had already made the decision not to come over, but it still hurt. We just sat on the bed and cried and talked. There is so much of her life he won't see now and it hurts her. I don't know how to be a single parent. It is hard. I don't always know what to say or do. I hope I was a comfort to her.
On Monday night she had an anxiety attack. She freaked out over all the stuff she has to do over the next month and acted as if she had to accomplish it all right now. I was patient, but I still don't know the right thing to say to her. She seems to be having these more often and is having less control over them. You can tell a person to calm down and breath deep but you can't make them. I need to get her back to her counselor but she has no time in her schedule...literally. She leaves the house everyday at 6:40am and on some days gets home at 8 or 9 pm. Drivers Ed started Tuesday night so that may have been the reason for the loss of control on Monday.
I throw myself into my exercising or other hobbies that I don't have to much time to dwell on the past. It is still to tender and hurts. So I move forward in life and live everyday the best I can. I wish I knew how to teach that concept to a teenage.
When she finally felt like talking, she mentioned that she was afraid dad's death may have been her fault. I knew how she felt, but I also know that his death was his choice. For the last year we where trying to run two households two hours and a ferry ride apart and it was a big mistake. Mike didn't come over that weekend because he would only be able to come for two days and he was planning to come over the following week on the Forth of July for 5 days. By Sunday night he had already decided to take his own life. He had made that choice. He called us and everyone was home so he talked to each one of us. That really wasn't out of the ordinary. I wish I could remember what I did or didn't say that night but I don't. I remember laughing and having a good conversation. Rachel remembers telling him that it was a waste of money and gas to come over for two days. Looking back it made her feel guilty for telling him that. She thought that if she would have told him to come, he may still be alive today. That is a lot of weight on the shoulders of a teenager. We talked and I assured her that he had already made the decision not to come over, but it still hurt. We just sat on the bed and cried and talked. There is so much of her life he won't see now and it hurts her. I don't know how to be a single parent. It is hard. I don't always know what to say or do. I hope I was a comfort to her.
On Monday night she had an anxiety attack. She freaked out over all the stuff she has to do over the next month and acted as if she had to accomplish it all right now. I was patient, but I still don't know the right thing to say to her. She seems to be having these more often and is having less control over them. You can tell a person to calm down and breath deep but you can't make them. I need to get her back to her counselor but she has no time in her schedule...literally. She leaves the house everyday at 6:40am and on some days gets home at 8 or 9 pm. Drivers Ed started Tuesday night so that may have been the reason for the loss of control on Monday.
I throw myself into my exercising or other hobbies that I don't have to much time to dwell on the past. It is still to tender and hurts. So I move forward in life and live everyday the best I can. I wish I knew how to teach that concept to a teenage.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Random Thoughts
I drove some church youth over to Seattle last Saturday. We had a blast, but there were lots of old memories too. We went to our church's Temple in Seattle and it just felt different without Mike being there. A bit lonely and sad, but thanks to my beliefs I know we will see him again someday.
My first college degree was an AA in pre-family counseling. Kind of ironic when I think about it. I have always been better at helping others with their issues then working on my own! Isn't life funny! Anyway, I have dealt with a lot of loss due to death in my life. I had a good friend in high school die in a car accident, I lost three of my grandparents while in my teens. I lost my dad who I was very close to, when I was 22, then both Mike's parents died that same year. Then my grandma that I was named after died at the age of 101 in 2002. I sang at her funeral as well as my dad's. I was able to due this because of my belief of eternal life. It isn't the end to me when someone dies. It is sad, hard, and lonely but that is just for those of us left behind on earth.
I guess what I am thinking is that death is not a new experience to me. I feel like I am on track with handling Mike's death the same way I have handled the deaths of my loved ones in the past. No, the past experiences were not as imtamently as close as a husband, but it is the same grieving process. One professional I talked to said I have a great 'gift and understanding' to process all this the way I do. I am glad I have been blessed to be a positive and obtmistic person.
I haven't had a big emotional breakdown, but I usually don't. I release my tears slowly over a long period of time, little by little. I talk about Mike's passing easily to friends and strangers. It is not hard for me to understand why he thought the way he did when he took his life. I lived with him for 27 years, I knew how he often felt. It saddens me that I wasn't there for him in his darkest hour. The letter he left shows his great love for his family and friends.
You will never find answers in the "what ifs..." so why try to? I don't need those answers. I need to know what to do for my future and the kids future. I live in the present and cherish the past.
So when you look at the big overall picture, I am doing pretty good. The everyday things like, weeding, painting the trim, mowing, figuring out the heater, car problems, paying the bills, etc that Mike used to take care of can be frustrating but that is because I don't like doing them or I dont' understand them. That can be overwhelming but honestly that is an attitude ajustment on my part and a new learning experience. Thank you for all your caring and love. It also is a great strength and help in moving forward with my life.
My first college degree was an AA in pre-family counseling. Kind of ironic when I think about it. I have always been better at helping others with their issues then working on my own! Isn't life funny! Anyway, I have dealt with a lot of loss due to death in my life. I had a good friend in high school die in a car accident, I lost three of my grandparents while in my teens. I lost my dad who I was very close to, when I was 22, then both Mike's parents died that same year. Then my grandma that I was named after died at the age of 101 in 2002. I sang at her funeral as well as my dad's. I was able to due this because of my belief of eternal life. It isn't the end to me when someone dies. It is sad, hard, and lonely but that is just for those of us left behind on earth.
I guess what I am thinking is that death is not a new experience to me. I feel like I am on track with handling Mike's death the same way I have handled the deaths of my loved ones in the past. No, the past experiences were not as imtamently as close as a husband, but it is the same grieving process. One professional I talked to said I have a great 'gift and understanding' to process all this the way I do. I am glad I have been blessed to be a positive and obtmistic person.
I haven't had a big emotional breakdown, but I usually don't. I release my tears slowly over a long period of time, little by little. I talk about Mike's passing easily to friends and strangers. It is not hard for me to understand why he thought the way he did when he took his life. I lived with him for 27 years, I knew how he often felt. It saddens me that I wasn't there for him in his darkest hour. The letter he left shows his great love for his family and friends.
You will never find answers in the "what ifs..." so why try to? I don't need those answers. I need to know what to do for my future and the kids future. I live in the present and cherish the past.
So when you look at the big overall picture, I am doing pretty good. The everyday things like, weeding, painting the trim, mowing, figuring out the heater, car problems, paying the bills, etc that Mike used to take care of can be frustrating but that is because I don't like doing them or I dont' understand them. That can be overwhelming but honestly that is an attitude ajustment on my part and a new learning experience. Thank you for all your caring and love. It also is a great strength and help in moving forward with my life.
Sunday, September 7, 2008
Surviving Depression - When You Are the Healthy One
(I wrote this in Feb. 2007)
You see articles, ads, and even classes to help people who suffer with depression. I have never seen anything to help a person deal with family members who suffer from depression. In fact, I find it hard to be included in the conversations with doctors about how to even care for a family member suffering from depression. So what happens when you are the one who sometimes has to keep everything together and not lose control of life? What happens when you have to be strong for everyone else? You can handle it, you’re the stable one. I have learned that this is not always the case.
In 1983 my husband was diagnosed with clinical depression. Although it was difficult and challenging at times, I felt I dealt with this change in our lives very well. I always had a positive upbeat attitude. I was always smiling and usually cheerful. I had sympathy for his struggles. Then in 2003, our then 19 year old daughter was also diagnosed with depression. They are both on medication for life and for the most part it does its job. These medications do a good job to stabilize people, but they also have side effects and some can affect the depressed person’s relationships with others.
After 24 years of living with this disease in our family, I have learned some things. Those of us who are the “care givers” in the relationship can go through stages like in the grieving process. I list the stages in this order:
The happy, fix everything, caregiver stage
The sad stage
The angry stage
The numb, I don’t care stage, and
The realization stage
At first I tried to hide the disease from others. I was going to stay positive and be there to pull my spouse out of any depressive state. It is hard to do this sometimes when I see him standing in the room staring at his feet and not able to function. I know it will pass in a day or in a week so I just go on. I try to do even more to make life comfortable. If I do talk to friends, some don’t believe me since they have never experienced seeing my family member in this state of mind. It can get difficult to explain why he isn’t with me at an event or explain why his work isn’t getting done. There is still a stigma with depression that makes us want to hide it. I hadn’t realized yet that this disease was going to challenge me just as much.
For years I went in and out of living normal and then taking on the roll of the caregiver. It finally started taking its toll on me and I started to become sad. I was sad that I would never have a normal life with my partner, sad that I had to often deal with the problem alone with no one to talk to, and sad about the ramifications of what depression medications did to our intimate relationship. I started to cry a lot but always in privacy. I had to be strong for everyone. I was afraid of letting them see me down because of what affect it might have on them.
It didn’t take long for this sadness and crying on my part to turn to anger. I began to verbally display my anger to other people. I became very cynical toward my spouse. I even felt I was stuck in a bad relationship with no way out. The negative attitude started at home but eventually began affecting me in public. I talked to people more about the depression. Even worse, my attitude toward men in general was going downhill. It wasn’t unusual for me to bash all men. I became a very angry person. At the same time, I was able to fully function at my job and turn the anger on and off. At times I felt as if I was two different people. The crying also happened much more often.
After all the anger, I just went numb. I quit caring. I quit crying. I didn’t care what I looked like. Sometimes I was even happier withdrawn and away from the world. I had no goals and no desires for the future. Nothing was ever going to change so why bother. I was just existing and passing time.
Eventually I hit the final stage: I realized something needed to change. But where does one start? How do I change? How does someone accept that this is how life might be? Will there ever be happiness again? Not much is going to change for my daughter or husband. They will have to depend on medication for life. What can I do for me and where do I start? That is where I am right now in life.
During this whole process I have gained a lot of weight. My blood pressure is not good and my cholesterol is too high. My husband and I started seeing a therapist and that is bringing a lot of this out in the open. And guess what the therapist told me last week? I’m suffering from depression. At least I don’t need medication; I just need an attitude adjustment.
Grace February 2007
--------
As an after thought to all this, I believe that those of us in this position don’t necessarily go through the steps in just that order and then it is done. I think we move back and forth and in and out of these stages. And most of the time we don’t see an end too it, causing even more pain. Just because you come to a realization of the problem, doesn’t mean you can move on without falling back into one of the other stages when the next issue arises that you have to deal with.
You see articles, ads, and even classes to help people who suffer with depression. I have never seen anything to help a person deal with family members who suffer from depression. In fact, I find it hard to be included in the conversations with doctors about how to even care for a family member suffering from depression. So what happens when you are the one who sometimes has to keep everything together and not lose control of life? What happens when you have to be strong for everyone else? You can handle it, you’re the stable one. I have learned that this is not always the case.
In 1983 my husband was diagnosed with clinical depression. Although it was difficult and challenging at times, I felt I dealt with this change in our lives very well. I always had a positive upbeat attitude. I was always smiling and usually cheerful. I had sympathy for his struggles. Then in 2003, our then 19 year old daughter was also diagnosed with depression. They are both on medication for life and for the most part it does its job. These medications do a good job to stabilize people, but they also have side effects and some can affect the depressed person’s relationships with others.
After 24 years of living with this disease in our family, I have learned some things. Those of us who are the “care givers” in the relationship can go through stages like in the grieving process. I list the stages in this order:
The happy, fix everything, caregiver stage
The sad stage
The angry stage
The numb, I don’t care stage, and
The realization stage
At first I tried to hide the disease from others. I was going to stay positive and be there to pull my spouse out of any depressive state. It is hard to do this sometimes when I see him standing in the room staring at his feet and not able to function. I know it will pass in a day or in a week so I just go on. I try to do even more to make life comfortable. If I do talk to friends, some don’t believe me since they have never experienced seeing my family member in this state of mind. It can get difficult to explain why he isn’t with me at an event or explain why his work isn’t getting done. There is still a stigma with depression that makes us want to hide it. I hadn’t realized yet that this disease was going to challenge me just as much.
For years I went in and out of living normal and then taking on the roll of the caregiver. It finally started taking its toll on me and I started to become sad. I was sad that I would never have a normal life with my partner, sad that I had to often deal with the problem alone with no one to talk to, and sad about the ramifications of what depression medications did to our intimate relationship. I started to cry a lot but always in privacy. I had to be strong for everyone. I was afraid of letting them see me down because of what affect it might have on them.
It didn’t take long for this sadness and crying on my part to turn to anger. I began to verbally display my anger to other people. I became very cynical toward my spouse. I even felt I was stuck in a bad relationship with no way out. The negative attitude started at home but eventually began affecting me in public. I talked to people more about the depression. Even worse, my attitude toward men in general was going downhill. It wasn’t unusual for me to bash all men. I became a very angry person. At the same time, I was able to fully function at my job and turn the anger on and off. At times I felt as if I was two different people. The crying also happened much more often.
After all the anger, I just went numb. I quit caring. I quit crying. I didn’t care what I looked like. Sometimes I was even happier withdrawn and away from the world. I had no goals and no desires for the future. Nothing was ever going to change so why bother. I was just existing and passing time.
Eventually I hit the final stage: I realized something needed to change. But where does one start? How do I change? How does someone accept that this is how life might be? Will there ever be happiness again? Not much is going to change for my daughter or husband. They will have to depend on medication for life. What can I do for me and where do I start? That is where I am right now in life.
During this whole process I have gained a lot of weight. My blood pressure is not good and my cholesterol is too high. My husband and I started seeing a therapist and that is bringing a lot of this out in the open. And guess what the therapist told me last week? I’m suffering from depression. At least I don’t need medication; I just need an attitude adjustment.
Grace February 2007
--------
As an after thought to all this, I believe that those of us in this position don’t necessarily go through the steps in just that order and then it is done. I think we move back and forth and in and out of these stages. And most of the time we don’t see an end too it, causing even more pain. Just because you come to a realization of the problem, doesn’t mean you can move on without falling back into one of the other stages when the next issue arises that you have to deal with.
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