Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Why Is It So Hard As Christians to Forgive?

Triggers, what are they and why do we allow them effect us?  Last week I went to the store 3 times in one day and twice I had to walk out before I would burst into tears. Some days it was better to not be around people at all. Monday was one of those days. I was a basket case and couldn't deal with life. So as to not break down in tears when Christmas carolers showed up, I became defensive, ornery, and a bit unkind. Rachel told her friend that I am not as strong as people sometimes think. She is right. To overcome the weakness of being out of control, sometimes we eventually become cold and numb to life. I sat through an entire Christmas program and felt nothing because I had shut down.
This is when we sometimes do and say stupid things because we have to find something to be in control of. That is about how my week went. The most interesting thing I have relearned from all of this is that no matter how Christian we are, it is hard to follow Christ when it comes to forgiveness. When I come to know I have truly made an error, I do everything I possibly can to correct that error. I try to make amends, I take responsibility for my actions. Sometimes I will even take the blame when I am innocent so others can feel better about their actions. It also brings me peace to know that when I have done all I can and others don't respond, I can turn it all over to the Lord and no longer carry the burden because He will. That is what the atonement is all about. The part that still stings is the gossip and comments of others but I guess that is in where the lessons lie as to not repeat our stupidities. So if anyone out there thinks I have done them wrong and I haven't said anything, it is most likely because I am unaware. It is nice to know we are all human doing the best we can and that we all make mistakes.
I can't say that this Christmas was easy, but due to wonderful friends it was made more enjoyable. My biggest mistake was not surrounding myself with family by leaving here, but we always learn the hard way. It was wonderful for our dear friends in Redmond to invite Rachel and I to have Christmas with them. In some ways it didn't feel like Christmas, but it wasn't painful like being home alone. It is always good to have excited kids around so that it adds to the magic. So again, we are forever indebted to the Munks for their kindness.

3 comments:

Marie said...

I'm glad you were able to spend Christmas with such a wonderful family, though we would have loved to have you here with us. :)

I understand the part you wrote about control, shutting down, and becoming cold and numb. I think I do that a lot more than I realize, but sometimes it's just easier to do that than to face the hurt.

Grace Marie said...

I have been thinking a lot about what my friend said about the difference of a death and suicide. It does mess with your head. As much as I work hard at knowing not to look at the 'what ifs' there is always something that makes you wonder if you were to blame or if you could have done something different. And then there is the guilt of actually liking my life better now...

avi52 said...
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