Monday, March 1, 2010

ACTING: Appearing Normal When Messed Up

Sometimes, when I haven't written for awhile, it is not because things are going good, but just the opposite. I have mentioned before that it takes me awhile to process things. I am also realizing that although I speak freely on my blog, some of the things that trouble me the most right now I can't talk about because they involve people who read it. Kind of a catch 22 if you ask me.
Honesty is very important to me. My kids understand this. I believe they know that I would rather they tell me the truth, even if I don't like it, then tell me blatant lies that someday may revel themselves. Having said that I also know that none of us are perfect and misrepresenting the truth is easy to do. To be honest with you, my kids have hardly ever out right lied to me, in fact I can't remember if they ever have. I am thankful for that. Other people have. Other people have really misrepresent truth and even, in my opinion, blatantly lied to me. That is a hard one for me to deal with and forgive.

 My car left me stranded 60 miles from home 10 days ago and has been in the shop ever since. Rachel's schedule is crazy so borrowing her car can be tricky when she has to leave at 6:45am and I don't have to be to work until 7:30am. Driving the 64 Chevy is a real pain and also unreliable. Don't know when or if I will get my car fixed, money to get a new car if needed is tied up in a lost cause and  honestly my brain is too frustrated to think about it.

I have learned since Mike's passing that I don't like being the decision maker. I don't like that the buck has to stop with me. I don't like that people take advantage of you in a time of loss and confusion. Although I seem to have my act together, inside I am often confused and unable to think straight. That is how I am feeling right now. I can express it in type for the world to read, but in reality I have no one I can to talk to.

4 comments:

Marie said...

*HUGS*

Super Mom Mom said...

I admire you Grace. I think your name suits you perfectly. I'm sorry things are a little rough right now. Love Dede

tracy said...

Grace, I am also a survivor. My husband hung himself 3/4/10. i have felt the confusion you speak of... Though it has been a little over a year since his passing i find myself saddened by the memories...All the reminders out there to keep us remembering them...Hugs to you! You are in my prayers...tracy

Grace Marie said...

Tracy, I am really sorry you had to go through what you have. It is never easy. There seems to be this stigma with suicide that makes one feel like people look at them differently, like maybe it was partially our fault or we drove our spouse to it. NOT SO. It really is different then losing a spouse to illness or accident. I hope you find peace and can make it through each day with a smile. God is watching over us. Grace