Some things may never get easier. My accountant needs all I can round up from 2008. Amazingly I am doing a pretty good job at finding things among the 15+ boxes of Mike's business & personal paperwork. It is harder finding the 2008 stuff then it was the 1993 to 2007 stuff the accountant needed! The closer the dates came to the present, the more painful it is for me. Mike had two businesses out of our home. I had to come up with purchases, other expenses and payments for both businesses. After tearing the house apart, I finally found two check registers for the 2008 business account.
I went through and made an excel spreadsheet with auto mechanic credits and debits and accounting credits and debits and then miscellaneous ones that I felt should be considered on the return. It wasn't too bad to do but did take a lot of time.
As I was coming to the end of May in the register, everything got harder. You could see the work slowing down and the deposits fewer. Then I found the check written out for a ticket for not wearing his seat belt! He never told me about that one...maybe that is why he didn't get upset with me when I got my very first speeding ticket last year! The sad entry was for a single ticket to the movie theater. At least he went to the most expensive theater in town. That was not long after my nephew Michael moved out of the house and Mike was over in Redmond during the week alone.
But the hardest entry was one of the last ones. In the register it simply said:
June 27 - for a movie and my last meals
Yes, I cried. He talked to me two more times after that date and never said a word about how he was feeling. The very last transactions were deposits to Rachel and I. He wanted us to have access to money until things could be settled. It was so planned and I didn't see it.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Friday, March 20, 2009
Life Can Truly Be Amazing
The last two days I had the great opportunity to substitute teach health at our local high school. It just so happened the teacher had a video to show the first day and a guest speaker the second day. The video was powerful. It is call "Surviving High School." It pertained to how we treat each other and the consequences of that treatment. The end of the video dealt with teen suicide.
The second day the guest speaker was sick so I actually had the opportunity to teach!!! So we talked about the video. We discussed eating disorders, depression, hazing people, and suicide. It was a little difficult, but I felt I could really have an impact on these kids if I said the right thing. I am please to say that all 4 classes went well. After getting through all the depressing stuff I talked to them about the difference one person can make. How much a simple smile or "hi" can mean to someone. I felt good about the classes and really hoped that some of kids would get something out of it. As they left the class I challenged them to smile and say hi to someone today that they don't normally talk to. You never know what positive difference you might make in some one's life.
You always wonder if anything you say makes a difference and we seldom find out if it really does. After school a student ran into me and said, "You should be a motivational speaker! You really made some of these kids stop and think." Another one said, "My friends said you are their hero."
Wow, I wasn't expecting that. I would love to be a motivational speaker! How do you get involved with that one? I hope I did make a difference in their lives. Every morning we get up and decide if we are going to have a good day or bad day, if we are going to be happy or sad. Smile and make the world around you a better place. Enjoy what you have and don't fall into the trap of "I will be happy when."
By the way, if anyone has any ideas on how I can become a motivational speaker....let me know.
The second day the guest speaker was sick so I actually had the opportunity to teach!!! So we talked about the video. We discussed eating disorders, depression, hazing people, and suicide. It was a little difficult, but I felt I could really have an impact on these kids if I said the right thing. I am please to say that all 4 classes went well. After getting through all the depressing stuff I talked to them about the difference one person can make. How much a simple smile or "hi" can mean to someone. I felt good about the classes and really hoped that some of kids would get something out of it. As they left the class I challenged them to smile and say hi to someone today that they don't normally talk to. You never know what positive difference you might make in some one's life.
You always wonder if anything you say makes a difference and we seldom find out if it really does. After school a student ran into me and said, "You should be a motivational speaker! You really made some of these kids stop and think." Another one said, "My friends said you are their hero."
Wow, I wasn't expecting that. I would love to be a motivational speaker! How do you get involved with that one? I hope I did make a difference in their lives. Every morning we get up and decide if we are going to have a good day or bad day, if we are going to be happy or sad. Smile and make the world around you a better place. Enjoy what you have and don't fall into the trap of "I will be happy when."
By the way, if anyone has any ideas on how I can become a motivational speaker....let me know.
Monday, March 16, 2009
Life Goes On ....still
Well, life has been interesting! I am having some issues with the IRS that are just not adding up. It should wind up in my favor and their mess up, but in the mean time they have put me through the wringer. Anyway, I finally got through to the IRS advocate office and after looking over stuff, the lady felt the IRS made an error combining Mike's and my account. Nothing new on their part, just another screw up. Payments were filed under Mike's SSN the returns under my SSN and they didn't put the two together. Enough of that boring stuff. What I am writing about is the affect it all had on me.
This was one of the hardest things to deal with. I think I cried more this weekend then in a long time. Having to explain the circumstances to each person took my call, wore me out. I cried Friday afternoon when all these letters arrived saying I owed tons of money. I held back the tears at the Berry Manilow concert when he sang love songs, but later lost it in the car on the way home listening to the same songs. My health insurance runs out at the end of the month, bills are due, and I am behind on my checkbook balances! Life couldn't be more crazy.
This is when I hit a low and then have to listen to my own counsel. "Come what may and love it." It has been a trying weekend, but life really is good. I have my kids, family, shelter, and a great network of friends. I have been substituting in the schools, throwing away more junk and having fun with Rachel. I guess again, all the good out weighs the pain and frustration. So I am going to go eat lunch...at 3:00....and then pay some more bills. All is good. Life goes on and I am not going to let it go without me. ;-) "I am women hear me roar..."
This was one of the hardest things to deal with. I think I cried more this weekend then in a long time. Having to explain the circumstances to each person took my call, wore me out. I cried Friday afternoon when all these letters arrived saying I owed tons of money. I held back the tears at the Berry Manilow concert when he sang love songs, but later lost it in the car on the way home listening to the same songs. My health insurance runs out at the end of the month, bills are due, and I am behind on my checkbook balances! Life couldn't be more crazy.
This is when I hit a low and then have to listen to my own counsel. "Come what may and love it." It has been a trying weekend, but life really is good. I have my kids, family, shelter, and a great network of friends. I have been substituting in the schools, throwing away more junk and having fun with Rachel. I guess again, all the good out weighs the pain and frustration. So I am going to go eat lunch...at 3:00....and then pay some more bills. All is good. Life goes on and I am not going to let it go without me. ;-) "I am women hear me roar..."
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Service Does Amazing Things
Life is always easier when you spend time helping others and get away from your own cares. It really does work. Rachel and I flew down to California for 48 hours to help my life long friend pack up her house. I was able to deal with packing things and throwing away things that she was having difficulty with because of memories. I would use phrases with her like, "come what may and love it," "just do it," "life goes on, so live it." It made me realize not only do I say these phrases but I do believe them.
I talked to a friend who is a counselor and he has commented several times to me about how he has seen women in my situation who have not be able to deal with the loss of their spouse for years, especially when suicide was involved. I am really not hard hearted. I just recognize that I have a future and I need to make the best of it. Dwelling on the past will get you no where fast. Believe me, I know a few people who do that and they are stuck there. That doesn't mean I don't think about it. Today while driving I kept having flashbacks to moments and conversations. Sometimes it makes you laugh and sometimes it makes you cry. Learning to cope with my situation doesn't necessarily make it easier. There have been many tough days and I am sure there will be many more, but I do work hard to be positive and more forward. It is work to focus on the good and stay positive. Sometimes I fall short and have to remind myself of what Tom Hanks said in two different movies; it was something about waking up each day and putting one foot in front of the other because you have to. (Watch "Sleepless in Seattle" and "Castaway")
To my young friend who is dealing with the loss of her dad, let me say, it does not get less painful, but it does get easier to deal with loss as time goes by. That doesn't mean you forget your loved one. Celebrate their life every chance you get. Choose to remember all the good they brought into the world. Share their life with others around you. Let their memory live on. Sometimes our Heavenly Father has a plan much bigger then we will ever understand. Trust Him. Take what you learn from your experience and help others who are suffering.
I talked to a friend who is a counselor and he has commented several times to me about how he has seen women in my situation who have not be able to deal with the loss of their spouse for years, especially when suicide was involved. I am really not hard hearted. I just recognize that I have a future and I need to make the best of it. Dwelling on the past will get you no where fast. Believe me, I know a few people who do that and they are stuck there. That doesn't mean I don't think about it. Today while driving I kept having flashbacks to moments and conversations. Sometimes it makes you laugh and sometimes it makes you cry. Learning to cope with my situation doesn't necessarily make it easier. There have been many tough days and I am sure there will be many more, but I do work hard to be positive and more forward. It is work to focus on the good and stay positive. Sometimes I fall short and have to remind myself of what Tom Hanks said in two different movies; it was something about waking up each day and putting one foot in front of the other because you have to. (Watch "Sleepless in Seattle" and "Castaway")
To my young friend who is dealing with the loss of her dad, let me say, it does not get less painful, but it does get easier to deal with loss as time goes by. That doesn't mean you forget your loved one. Celebrate their life every chance you get. Choose to remember all the good they brought into the world. Share their life with others around you. Let their memory live on. Sometimes our Heavenly Father has a plan much bigger then we will ever understand. Trust Him. Take what you learn from your experience and help others who are suffering.
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