One Year and 5,500 Hits Later...

The house in Redmond sold and that is good.It is out of my hair forever. I now have no debt, but it is heartbreaking to walk away from that house only getting a $460,000 mortgage paid off and $19,500 in cash. The Realtors and others get the rest. Since $90,0000 went into that house in the last year it is very heartbreaking. That is life and at least it is now over. I drove by the house twice this weekend while I was over there. I don't know what I expected to find. It is just an empty shell, a house; it hasn't been a home for awhile.
My mind has been a bit confused today. Although Mike died on the 30th, last year it was on a Monday. So today everything kept playing out in my mind over and over. I feel like I will have to live it all over again tomorrow when it is actually the 30th. My mind just thinks about the fact that I called Reed on Monday night. In fact it was about this time at night that I was talking Reed into going over to the house to check on Mike. Although the death certificate says he died around 0100 which would be 1am, I know that it was later because he posted an e-mail to me at 4am. When Reed found him it was around 11:30pm.
I spent the day in Redmond with friends. I was hoping to keep my mind busy. As I chatted with them my mind would wander. I am very good at looking held together on the outside when inside I am a total mess. I finally felt like I just wanted to be alone so I drove back home to Sequim. So I guess I will be spending the 30th home alone. I don’t know if that is good or bad yet, but I just feel like being alone. Last night I had to take a sleeping pill to fall asleep. It will most likely be like that all week. I just can’t shut my mind off.
One year later and 5,500 hits to this blog, someone out there must be following all this. The big question I get is, “how are you really doing?” The answer is, “I don’t know.” Some days are good and some are bad. One year is up so most of the “firsts” are over. I don’t think it gets easier, I just think distance makes the pain softer until someone else can come along and fill in the void. I hope the kids are all okay. Rachel is off at a summer camp (EFY) with friends around her. Marie and Jeffrey are together hopefully giving each other support. For me, I just felt like being alone.

Made it Through Friday and Saturday

Friday - After a LONG annoying time, the house in Redmond closed Friday. I sold it for $100,000 less then it was worth, but it is no longer a thorn in my side anymore. The closing date changed 3 times this week. The buyers almost backed out over a $300 credit they wanted to fix something their inspector said was fine. Oh well, it is over. Rachel and I went camping with some other girls and had a good time. I actually got up early (I didn't sleep so might as well) and walked to the overlook of the beach. It was cool to see a bald eagle soaring above the beach, but below me. Good luck I hope!
Saturday - After coming home from camping we drove to the closest mall (one hour away) and did some retail therapy! We rushed home at 6 and then had 12 kids show up to watch a movie on the big screen. Keeps my mind busy and off of things I don't want to think about.

Sleep? I Hear It's Over Rated

It is 4am and I have been lying in bed for over 4 hours trying to fall asleep. To late to take anything but I think I need to find those sleeping pills the doctor prescribed last summer. The cats been in my face all night so I finally got up to find out that he was out of dry cat food. That explains his behavior. As for me, I just can't seem to shut off my mind.....

Count Down to the One Year Mark

So like always I have been keeping myself busy, but then I have to deal with reality. I had a wonderful weekend in Redmond with all my kids. Jeffrey, Marie and baby Ethan flew in for my girlfriend's daughter's wedding. The bride also happens to be one of Jeffery's best buddies from high school. Rachel was a junior bridesmaid in the wedding at Mary Queen of Peace and it was beautiful. Rachel was beautiful too! I was able to see a lot of co-workers and friends.
Like always, spending time with my kids was a blast but ended too soon. After taking them to the airport Sunday, I had to go over to our old house to make sure things were ready for the sale and closing on Thursday. Rachel didn't want to go so I dropped her off at a friends. Somewhat of a bad move because I now had to go over there alone, again and for the last time.
As I finished up the things I had to do at the house, I finally sat on the steps and cried. Cried over all the wonderful memories of raising my kids in that house, cried that I had to let it go, and cried over how it all ended there. As I had walked through each room, a memory came to me. . . some good, some bad. The laughter of Rachel (4) and Jeffrey (10) racing to the bathroom and Rachel winning because she bit Jeffrey on the butt. The joy and excitement when we told Marie & Jeffrey we were having another baby. The fun times of teenagers sitting on the leather couch taking and laughing (the kids won't let me sell that couch!) The images of the kids waiting at the top of the stairs every Christmas until we said they could come down. The exciting themed birthday parties we use to have. How we could always find Mike asleep on a heater vent and even once in the garage under a car! So many memories after 18 years there. When Rachel's first hamster died Mike, Rachel and I all climb into our big king size bed and just held each other and cried. Mike always took it hard when an animal died. He was there alone when he had to deal with putting Marie's cat of 15 years down. He called Marie from the vet and let her talk to Katy and then stayed in the room while they put her to sleep. He was always tender with the animals even though he would complain about their hair and messes.
We have a fun series of pictures on the leather couch as the kids were growing up. In fact I have
lots of pictures. Almost 15 albums worth of pictures! It is still a little hard for me to look at the old family pictures but time will change that. I am trying not to count down to the one year mark, but it is hard. I would be lying if I said I was not looking back and reflecting on things and wondering a bit. I try not to stay there too long. I think what is hardest right now, is that I keep trying to imagine what was going through his head that last week a year ago. It is strange though, how I have never felt Mike's presence around, not even there at the old house.

I Love My Kids!

Have I ever mentioned how wonderful my kids are? They are a great support to me and I probably don't tell them enough how much they mean to me.
Marie is an amazing mother! She is a joy to watch taking care of her son Ethan. Chris and her have an amazing relationship. I have loved watching her grow into the women she is. She has her struggles but deep down she is a very strong women. I love to listen to her play the piano. She was blessed with a great talent for that.
Jeffrey, well I have always wondered why I was so lucky to raise such an outstanding young man. He is so centered and very strong in his convictions and faith. He has an amazing understanding of the purpose of life. He is a great example to our family and the center of our family strength. His example of hard work and endurance is a blessing and example to all of us.
Rachel is unbelievable! The death of her father has been very hard on her, yet she has made a choice to rise above it and try to understand the purpose of God's plan for us. She works so hard at school and tries to follow her brothers example of hard work. Most kids in her shoes would have chose to retreat and crawl in a hole. She chose to get involved in school and surround herself with good people.
We all have are faults. That is one reason we are on earth, to overcome our faults and become better people. As a mom, I couldn't have hand picked better children. They are a large part of the reason I have been able to go on and get through this year as well as I have.
Kids, if you read this, I LOVE YOU. You are my diamonds.

This Is Going To Be A Long Month...

At the end of this month it will be the one year anniversary of Mike's death. So I guess I should just expect that things will be a little crazy. For starters, I am learning that I don't know how to take care of a home! It took a week of trying different things to get the swamp cooler set right. I still can't get the motion light to work correctly and now the motor for the irrigation ditch is cracked because I didn't winterize it last fall. I just figured out the water softener! How do people survive without a handyman for a husband? It costs a small fortune to call someone in to fix things. The drain stop broke in my sink, how do you fix that???
The buyers almost backed out of buying the house in Redmond. That was scary, but I just kept praying. I guess until the 25th they still could back out. It is killing me to pay the mortgage, lawn care, and staging for that house until it sells. Now the kids are telling me the house in Utah has a leek around the toilet (flashback of the hole in my ceiling for 8 years from the last toilet leak) and the rain gutters are missing on part of the house. People actually enjoy owning real estate?
Tuesday was a really bad day, everything seemed off. I can't even remember what happened! The IRS stuff is still hanging over my head. It seems like everything is just nuts right now. I even lost it on the phone with my daughter......again. About 95% of the time I can brush it all off and smile but this week has been a tough one. I can only imagine over the next few weeks it will get harder.
As to not depress anyone, let me end on a happier note. I hit the jackpot at an estate sale!!! The lady was a true shopaholic. Seriously. She bought clothes and never wore them. Some were mail order clothes still in the packages. She even bought the same thing in 4 different sizes. They were all brand new with the tags still on. It was like a small boutique on someones front lawn! They totalled up the lowest price on the tag and then took off 80%! So I bought $415 worth of NEW skirts, dresses and tops for $80. So I just got a new wardrobe for $80!!! The $415 was the lowest price on the tags. Some of the items were originally $40 marked down to $20 that I paid $4 for So I guess her curse was my blessing. If I am not careful I may shop myself through this month!

Life Has Been Busy, But Good

Maybe I am not getting on here as much because life is moving on and I have less to talk about... I doubt it, but I have been very busy. One thing I did last fall when I finally had access to all our accounts was to take a small stock and sell it. Good timing too! Anyway, I put that aside for fun money. I knew that this first year would be hard on me and my family. I wanted to be able to get away if we needed to especially at the holidays. Hence the Thanksgiving trip to Victoria Canada with all the kids and the Christmas trip to Hawaii with Jeffrey and Rachel. It also allowed me to go to California in March and help out a friend in need. Well the money is almost gone now but we did finish it off with one last trip! Some good friends were going to Disneyland and had a 4 bedroom condo, actually it was the presidential suite, and at the last minute asked us if we want to go. Two seconds later I had airline tickets to Orange County. My friends drove down and didn't tell their daughter we were coming. So when they got to the condo, we were already there. The surprise on their daughters face when she saw Rachel was priceless.

So I guess you could say for my late birthday present to myself, we went to Disneyland. We had a fun time there for 5 days and even went to see the Medieval Times dinner entertainment show complete with jousting. What a fun time. Now I will say that there were some very lonely times too. It isn't always fun to be the third wheel with the two teenagers. Most rides I was by myself and that was hard sometimes. I also know that I need to give the girls space. So I tried really hard to give them time alone. That often meant I was alone too. Those are the hard times. I will really have to think hard about what I want to do when Rachel graduates from high school. I am fine at the house for a day or two alone, but months..... Rachel says I am going to follow her to college. I think she will drag me with her! We are very close and I am thankful for that.

On another topic, my nephew Michael and I went to a single adult conference. I hadn't seen him since he came back from his second tour of duty in Iraq so it was really fun to be with him. As for attending single adult activities, well let's just say, weird. Last time I went to one was last August and I wasn't ready to really mingle. This time there were just not that many people worth mingling with! Those that were are not interested in me. So the dilemma remains, how do you meet good guys. After sitting though 6 songs at the dance, my nephew and I went into another room and played a game. I guess I am not ready to be the lead and go ask a guy to dance. Don't get me wrong, I love to dance. In fact, that is one reason why dances are so hard for me. Mike and I could dance. We could be out of sorts with each other and you get us on the dance floor and we looked and danced as if we were madly in love. It was always something we just clicked at.

One last interesting thing I did that is surprising to some people is I taught a class to adults on how to survive a death. I have learned so much on the paperwork side of things. My sister-in-law gave me a red folder file system the week Mike passed away and I used it to organize myself. It was a real life savor that I still refer to. So I taught about 12 people how to set it up and what is important to do and not to do in the event of a death. It was a very rewarding class to teach.

Bad news: As for the IRS, I am still in a mess with them after their screw up. It will take months to get this figured out.
Good news: after 11 months I have a buyer for my house. If all goes well, it will close on June 25 and I will be done with the Redmond home for good.
Bad news: it is selling for $100,000 less then it would have a 1 1/2 years ago when it should have been put on the market. Oh well.
Good news: It is a beautiful day and I am going to go out and mow the yard and be happy about it...