Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Somedays It Is Hard To Climb On Top Of All The Crap To See The Sun

Yesterday I just wanted to crawl into a small warm cave and listen to loud music so I didn't have to think. To much on my mind. I am trying to process it all but I am slow at processing. Writing has always been helpful, so I will give it a try. I just hope people aren't judgmental with some of the things I write because it is truly how I feel at the moment it is penned.  Thank goodness we can change our minds later.
It has been a tough week. Rachel and I are adjusting to having Marie and Ethan with us. I adjust a lot easier then Rachel, so I have to be the almighty peace keeper in the home. Marie has depression and Rachel has anxiety. Not a great combination for one person, but for two people living together. . . lets just say I get exhausted. Part of Rachel's anxiety causes her to want a perfect environment around her: clean house, order to everything, little money spent, basically no bumps in the road that she isn't expecting or it throws her. With depression a clean home, order and not spending money are . . . well not the first thing on the persons mind. I have to say that Marie is doing a good job at trying to stay on top of things and Rachel is trying to adjust to the changes, but it takes time and during that time emotions get high.
One example from last week is when Marie and I took Chris to the airport. After arriving home Marie didn't want to be left alone. Rachel, on the other hand, had stayed home all day and needed to get out. She wanted me to take her to a movie. I said, okay one wants me to stay and one wants me to go what am I supposed to do. Rachel blurted out, "stay with Marie she is the princess."  Interestingly enough Rachel and I went to a movie...  Rachel's coping skill is to make snide little comments under her breath, but they can be very painful and rude comments. All of us have been sick to one degree or another, Rachel's voice teacher was a real jerk to us last week, and with the silent frustration going on around here, I just finally needed MY TIME. 
So the closest thing I have to a cave is my bedroom and office. So I locked myself in and cranked up the music. Loud music is one of my coping skills.  It drowns out all the thoughts.
Then I lost it. I was so angry at Mike for leaving me with all this to do alone. I actually hated him for it. Trying to keep myself busy I started looking for things and couldn't find anything. Passports were misplaced, bills I needed to pay and I couldn't find the paperwork to get a cemetery marker on Mike's grave. So here I am locked in my room, alone, trying to deal and not let anyone see me like this. Angry, alone, frustrated, crying, confused and lost in my loud music when Marie lets me know that Rachel is crying.
So I stop my breakdown to go deal with Rachel's. Of course she is not talking to me at the moment, which by the way, was the driving nail that sent me over the edge.  She is looking at a picture of Mike, crying, missing him and wanting him. I am so mad at him I just want to tell her what a jerk he was for leaving us. So I sit quietly with her until she is better and goes off on her own.
Meanwhile, I am angry at Mike but also feeling guilty that I have never put a marker on his grave after 1 1/2 years. So I guess for now I am still trying to climb up that hill of crap so I can see the sun creep through at the top.


Eileen said...

Sounds to me, Grace, like you're doing the best you can, and grave markers, dinner, laundry, breathing, singing, and anything else that comes along can WAIT!!! Just remember: you are doing a GREAT job!!! Love, Eileen

Where to Live? said...

Have you all found professional counselors at this point that you trust and can turn to? This is too much weight to be on your shoulders alone! If not, counselors may really help with the tension and animosity. A crap-pile is still a crap-pile whether it's in the sun or not. Sometimes a helper with a shovel is the only way to go :)

I love you aunt Grace and have all the respect in the world for you, I wish I could help!

Stephanie said...

Sounds like you could use an assistant! (Who couldn't sometimes?)
But in all seriousness, I can't pretend to understand how difficult life has been for you through all of this. No one can know who hasn't gone through it themselves, and even then every perspective is unique.
We are all guilty of saying and doing things that hurt other people- things that we don't really mean, and often instantly regret. When it happens to me I try to remember that such comments are usually the product of another persons own misdirected pain- and beneath the sting there is still love and that is what counts. You know that you and your kids love each other very much, even if it's hard to see at times.
The important thing is to remain confident that you can get through it- together. It will take tremendous strength, and whether you find support in each other, your friends, family, or "professionals", just be sure you're not trying to do it alone. Everyone who loves you would rather help you through it than see you crushed by the millions of little things that, when added up, weigh a ton.
You're a strong and intelligent person, Grace, and I'm sure I haven't said anything you didn't already know, but a little positive reinforcement never hurt.

Janice said...

I agree with all that's been commented! you are doing well, most days. don't blame yourself or anyone else for the bad ones. they happen, and it's okay. you just start over the next day and keep moving! hang in there, there are people (and heavenly ones)who love you and believe in you!

Grace Marie said...

I have the best friends and family in the world! Thanks you for your encouragement. I haven't really seen anyone professional for myself. To busy making sure the kids are taken care of. I guess that is why I call this my therapy because I use my blog to clear my mind and try to work things out.Maybe I should find someone...