One Year and 5,500 Hits Later...

The house in Redmond sold and that is good.It is out of my hair forever. I now have no debt, but it is heartbreaking to walk away from that house only getting a $460,000 mortgage paid off and $19,500 in cash. The Realtors and others get the rest. Since $90,0000 went into that house in the last year it is very heartbreaking. That is life and at least it is now over. I drove by the house twice this weekend while I was over there. I don't know what I expected to find. It is just an empty shell, a house; it hasn't been a home for awhile.
My mind has been a bit confused today. Although Mike died on the 30th, last year it was on a Monday. So today everything kept playing out in my mind over and over. I feel like I will have to live it all over again tomorrow when it is actually the 30th. My mind just thinks about the fact that I called Reed on Monday night. In fact it was about this time at night that I was talking Reed into going over to the house to check on Mike. Although the death certificate says he died around 0100 which would be 1am, I know that it was later because he posted an e-mail to me at 4am. When Reed found him it was around 11:30pm.
I spent the day in Redmond with friends. I was hoping to keep my mind busy. As I chatted with them my mind would wander. I am very good at looking held together on the outside when inside I am a total mess. I finally felt like I just wanted to be alone so I drove back home to Sequim. So I guess I will be spending the 30th home alone. I don’t know if that is good or bad yet, but I just feel like being alone. Last night I had to take a sleeping pill to fall asleep. It will most likely be like that all week. I just can’t shut my mind off.
One year later and 5,500 hits to this blog, someone out there must be following all this. The big question I get is, “how are you really doing?” The answer is, “I don’t know.” Some days are good and some are bad. One year is up so most of the “firsts” are over. I don’t think it gets easier, I just think distance makes the pain softer until someone else can come along and fill in the void. I hope the kids are all okay. Rachel is off at a summer camp (EFY) with friends around her. Marie and Jeffrey are together hopefully giving each other support. For me, I just felt like being alone.