Monday, June 29, 2009

One Year and 5,500 Hits Later...

The house in Redmond sold and that is good.It is out of my hair forever. I now have no debt, but it is heartbreaking to walk away from that house only getting a $460,000 mortgage paid off and $19,500 in cash. The Realtors and others get the rest. Since $90,0000 went into that house in the last year it is very heartbreaking. That is life and at least it is now over. I drove by the house twice this weekend while I was over there. I don't know what I expected to find. It is just an empty shell, a house; it hasn't been a home for awhile.
My mind has been a bit confused today. Although Mike died on the 30th, last year it was on a Monday. So today everything kept playing out in my mind over and over. I feel like I will have to live it all over again tomorrow when it is actually the 30th. My mind just thinks about the fact that I called Reed on Monday night. In fact it was about this time at night that I was talking Reed into going over to the house to check on Mike. Although the death certificate says he died around 0100 which would be 1am, I know that it was later because he posted an e-mail to me at 4am. When Reed found him it was around 11:30pm.
I spent the day in Redmond with friends. I was hoping to keep my mind busy. As I chatted with them my mind would wander. I am very good at looking held together on the outside when inside I am a total mess. I finally felt like I just wanted to be alone so I drove back home to Sequim. So I guess I will be spending the 30th home alone. I don’t know if that is good or bad yet, but I just feel like being alone. Last night I had to take a sleeping pill to fall asleep. It will most likely be like that all week. I just can’t shut my mind off.
One year later and 5,500 hits to this blog, someone out there must be following all this. The big question I get is, “how are you really doing?” The answer is, “I don’t know.” Some days are good and some are bad. One year is up so most of the “firsts” are over. I don’t think it gets easier, I just think distance makes the pain softer until someone else can come along and fill in the void. I hope the kids are all okay. Rachel is off at a summer camp (EFY) with friends around her. Marie and Jeffrey are together hopefully giving each other support. For me, I just felt like being alone.


Diane L said...

Grace, I think of you all the time. I'm especially thinking of you this week. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings on this blog. It is a help to any of us going through a hard time - even if it's not as hard a time as you've gone through. As Robert Condie says, you are truly Amazing.

Emily said...

Grace, I love ya mom! My thoughts are with the entire family today and I'm going to second what Diane said, you are AMAZING!

Ann Marie said...

I have thought about Mike too, this day & yesteryear where does the time go?, and the places we all were a year ago. I love you Sis, wish we were closer so I could just give you a real hug but, I'll hug you anyway with my thoughts for you & the kids. Lovya, Big Sis

Anonymous said...

I have a love/hate relationship with the internet. I love the way information can be shared so easily. I hate the way it can be misused in so many ways. But let's talk about the love...thanks for sharing. I found your blog today and couldn't help but read it all. Wow! One thing that shines through is the smiling, positive, optimistic Miss San Lorenzo that I remember. Although she may have been tested to her absolute limit, I know she is still there. My heart goes out to you and your family.

Grace Marie said...

These are comments I moved over from my facebook. I left the names off, but I wanted them included so I could print this. Grace
I just read the blog and hadn't realized that this was the actual anniversary of his death. I am sending lots of virtual hugs. I was down at Nationals last year but didn't realize that they were earlier than this year. Are people coming over today? You know you have hundreds of friends who are all here if you need anything.
I woke up thinking of Mike today. Sending you lots of hugs. We still miss him a lot!
Grace...I used to follow your blog all the time, then lost the link when I lost my job and the PC I was following it on. I don't know what kind of irony leads me to finding it again, today; but I am grateful that you have continued to share your journey with all of us.
Chin up and faith strong, you just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Thank you for wearing your heart on your sleeve and your words in the blog. Love ya!
You are such a strong amazing Women! Always remember that : )
We are with you. You just can't see us!!!

Anonymous said...

I read your blog update. I liked the comment of you not having to go through any more "firsts". I am glad that you are able to put the house behind you and even happier that we aren't put behind you! We still love you and yours! You have been a terrific example of dealing with the difficulties of life. Blessings to you

Janice said...

congrats on the sell of the house. and yeah for making it through a whole year. I imagine the pain won't ever go away, but you've proven that you can get through it and still find happiness and joy! that is an accomplishment!!!