Sunday, July 5, 2009

July 5th Not the Best Day of the Year...

July 5th 2002 around 1:00 we were driving toward Salmon, Idaho after dropping Marie off at college. Mike fell asleep at the wheel and we rolled at least three times. I still have vivid memories of being trapped in the car wondering where and how my children were, the jaws of life cutting me out, the ambulance ride, and the months of rehab. My body will be recovering from that for the rest of my life. I am sure my family and friends have noticed I usually do all the driving. I still can have flashbacks of rolling and I just feel safer behind the wheel. It still amazes me that Mike and the kids walked away from this.

July 5th 2008 was the day of Mike's funeral. It was a very beautiful service. I will never forget my friend staying close by just to hand me Kleenex. That was touching to me. She wasn't sure how else to help and yet that was one of the best things she could have done. The worst memory of that day was after they put the cassette in the car, the funeral director asked me if I wanted to say goodbye before they closed the door. I thought to myself, what kind of a question is that. Of course I didn't want to say good-bye, I never wanted to say good-bye. This wasn't even supposed to be happening. I was too young to be a widow.

So you can see, July 5th isn't exactly my favorite day of the year.


Anonymous said...

I've been reading through your blog and our stories contain many similarities. My husband and I also had an auto accident that injured my hip almost three years to the day prior to his suicide. He was also battling depression. We are nearing the one year mark and so many of the things that you have written about, we are currently dealing with right now. Surviving the suicide of a spouse is so different that any other type of suicide survival. I have yet to meet any other suicide survivors who have lost a spouse. Glad to have found your blog!!

Grace Marie said...

I am sorry to hear that someone else has to go through this type of situation. It is not easy at all. The first year is the hardest. I often find myself turning up music really loud so I don't have to think or escaping to places so my mind is elsewhere. Fortunately in the state of WA if a life insurance policy is over 3 years old and the holder commits suicide, they don't see it as premeditated and honor it. I would have been financially ruined too if that wouldn't have been the case. It is bad enough having the IRS problems and then stupidly making a BAD investment with some of the life insurance money.
I hope you can find peace and that you know you are not alone. Try to stay away from blaming yourself, try to smile and move forward. Having said that, I know it is not that easy. I hate being single. I hate being alone. I hate to think that my future may be a lonely one for awhile. I hate going to a very family oriented church and feeling like a misfit. Sometimes I even hate my husband for doing this to me. So you can see why I try to stay positive and enjoy life. If I didn't I think I would become bitter and even lonelier. My heart goes out to you and all others who have had to go through this. It is not easy. When your life falls apart around you, it is real easy to fall apart with it. May you be blessed with strength.