I am not sure what direction to go in next. Jeffrey is back in college and doing wonderful. Marie & Ethan are still living with me until November when Chris comes home from AIT in the Army Reserves. They will then stay through December at least. Rachel is busy in high school but she is starting to have anxiety attacks more often which is scary. Anxiety and depression are very similar. We are currently dealing with it by trying to learn how to accept the anxiety and learn breathing techniques. She needs to learn to relax. My friend suggested two books one is called "From Panic to Power" by Lucinda Bassett and the other is "When You Can't Do It Alone...take the Lord's Hand" by Brent Topp. I will have to look into them!
So now that the kids seem to be doing alright, how am I? I really don't know. I don't think I have processed everything yet. I haven't been left alone much, which is a good thing. Sometimes I cry when I am alone writing these posts. I kind of fell apart one day in the school office when I went to check on some stuff for Rachel. It was weird. The secretary just asked me how I was doing and when I went to answer her, I just started crying. I felt so out of control and stupid, but the office was all wonderful about it and took me to a back room. They tell me that is normal. I asked another friend if the pain ever goes away. She said no but it does lesson over time. I also met with my doctor recently and she didn't know anything had happened so we chatted and I cried. People are very loving and understanding.
The hardest thing for me is still praying. I don't know why. My faith isn't shaken. I like to be in control of myself and maybe I am afraid of the emotions that might arise through deep personal prayer. I am exercising again which makes me feel better. I think I am in control of my financial situation. So if I keep myself surrounded with family and good friends, I won't get lonely.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Mike's Writings - Why has joy been so elusive? At times, it has seemed as though it's almost at my fingertips, and then it's viciously yanked away
I am posting some of Mike's writings in the hopes that they can help someone out there. My interjections are in blue.
"I have suffered from clinical depression probably since my high school years. Until 1983, I didn't understand the mood changes that I was experiencing; I didn't know that I was suffering the ravages of depression. The episodes of clinical depression have become even more debilitating as I have gotten older and have confused me as to who I really am. Looking back on the last 8 years, I have tried to deny to myself that the problems I have had with lack of energy, with sleeping too long or not able to sleep enough, and with the resulting inability to keep commitments were recurring symptoms of depression. I tried to blame these problems on my diabetes out of hope and desperation, but I always knew, but would not admit, that their ultimate cause was depression. My hope for a better life in the future and my confidence are now shattered." (They were shattered due to a doctor's appointment that didn't go very well for him)
"There is no cure for recurring clinical depression. All a doctor can do is make educated guesses about drug treatments that might help in managing it. I have experienced the beginnings of relief and some hope for the future, only to have both ripped away from me for no identifiable reason! I have lost all hope that I can ever have a normal, decent, reasonable healthy life and not inflict pain and suffering on those closest to me... It has destroyed my personal life, in many ways my marriage, my family life, my professional life, and my spiritual life. I am too weak to continue on. Surely others have suffered much more in this life than I have. But the 'cards' that God has dealt me in this life are more than I have strength to bear." (On a rare occasion Mike would express some of these feelings to me. We would talk and I would try and give him reasons to hope. I guess it was difficult for me to fully understand how he felt. I am sure at times I even played a part in causing him to lose hope. The month prior to his death, he never talked about these things. Maybe that is why his death was such a shock; I felt he was doing alright.)
"Over recent years, I have often wondered what life would have been like for me if I would have had fewer thorns in my side, especially this huge stake called depression. I like to think that I could have created a happier marriage for me and Grace, that I could have created a home that truly was a refuge from the world where we loved one another and served one another and the Gospel of Jesus Christ was taught... and that I could have done more good in building up God's Kingdom and done more good in the communities I have lived in. (This is where you can see the depression really talking. Mike did so much good for the people around him. Our children are strong wonderful religious kids and I didn't do that alone. He was a great example of integrity, honest, hard work and service. I hope he realizes now the positive impact he had on the lives around him.)
Mike closes these remarks by saying, "By taking my own life, my soul is probably damned. But I have some hope that God may show some mercy because I believe He knows the anguish and pain I have had to live with these past many years."
If you made it though this post, I am sure it was a hard read. You can see how his mind was misguided and confused. He had a hard time seeing the good he brought to this world. Thinking that the world is better off without you is not the answer. There is so much more pain caused now to his family and friends then there was by the disease itself. I do believe with all my heart that God will show mercy on him due to his confusion. If any of you out there ever feel this low, talk to your loved ones. Taking your own life does not solve problems, it creates them.
"I have suffered from clinical depression probably since my high school years. Until 1983, I didn't understand the mood changes that I was experiencing; I didn't know that I was suffering the ravages of depression. The episodes of clinical depression have become even more debilitating as I have gotten older and have confused me as to who I really am. Looking back on the last 8 years, I have tried to deny to myself that the problems I have had with lack of energy, with sleeping too long or not able to sleep enough, and with the resulting inability to keep commitments were recurring symptoms of depression. I tried to blame these problems on my diabetes out of hope and desperation, but I always knew, but would not admit, that their ultimate cause was depression. My hope for a better life in the future and my confidence are now shattered." (They were shattered due to a doctor's appointment that didn't go very well for him)
"There is no cure for recurring clinical depression. All a doctor can do is make educated guesses about drug treatments that might help in managing it. I have experienced the beginnings of relief and some hope for the future, only to have both ripped away from me for no identifiable reason! I have lost all hope that I can ever have a normal, decent, reasonable healthy life and not inflict pain and suffering on those closest to me... It has destroyed my personal life, in many ways my marriage, my family life, my professional life, and my spiritual life. I am too weak to continue on. Surely others have suffered much more in this life than I have. But the 'cards' that God has dealt me in this life are more than I have strength to bear." (On a rare occasion Mike would express some of these feelings to me. We would talk and I would try and give him reasons to hope. I guess it was difficult for me to fully understand how he felt. I am sure at times I even played a part in causing him to lose hope. The month prior to his death, he never talked about these things. Maybe that is why his death was such a shock; I felt he was doing alright.)
"Over recent years, I have often wondered what life would have been like for me if I would have had fewer thorns in my side, especially this huge stake called depression. I like to think that I could have created a happier marriage for me and Grace, that I could have created a home that truly was a refuge from the world where we loved one another and served one another and the Gospel of Jesus Christ was taught... and that I could have done more good in building up God's Kingdom and done more good in the communities I have lived in. (This is where you can see the depression really talking. Mike did so much good for the people around him. Our children are strong wonderful religious kids and I didn't do that alone. He was a great example of integrity, honest, hard work and service. I hope he realizes now the positive impact he had on the lives around him.)
Mike closes these remarks by saying, "By taking my own life, my soul is probably damned. But I have some hope that God may show some mercy because I believe He knows the anguish and pain I have had to live with these past many years."
If you made it though this post, I am sure it was a hard read. You can see how his mind was misguided and confused. He had a hard time seeing the good he brought to this world. Thinking that the world is better off without you is not the answer. There is so much more pain caused now to his family and friends then there was by the disease itself. I do believe with all my heart that God will show mercy on him due to his confusion. If any of you out there ever feel this low, talk to your loved ones. Taking your own life does not solve problems, it creates them.
Loneliness
I found myself in Redmond a week ago with nothing to do. I drove over for the day to take Rachel and some friends to a church dance. It was a long way to go for a dance, but it gave me the chance to go to the hospital to see my friend and her son. When I finally dropped the kids off at the dance, I found myself wondering around town with nothing to do and no one available to go see. That is when I decided to use some old gift certificates and go out to a nice dinner at Outback Steak House.
When I arrived they sat me down in the bar area which was weird for me. There I sat in the bar eating a fabulous steak dinner completely alone. It was kind of miserable. Of course they were playing love songs. I realized I don't want to be alone the rest of my life. I'm too young to go out and eat by myself. It was one of the loneliest feelings I have ever had. The sadist part came when I handed the gift card to the waitress. The card said on it, "To mom and dad, love the kids." The card should have been used for a nice dinner date but turned out to be used for one of the loneliest dinners I've ever eaten.
When I arrived they sat me down in the bar area which was weird for me. There I sat in the bar eating a fabulous steak dinner completely alone. It was kind of miserable. Of course they were playing love songs. I realized I don't want to be alone the rest of my life. I'm too young to go out and eat by myself. It was one of the loneliest feelings I have ever had. The sadist part came when I handed the gift card to the waitress. The card said on it, "To mom and dad, love the kids." The card should have been used for a nice dinner date but turned out to be used for one of the loneliest dinners I've ever eaten.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Mike's Message to Marie
It was about 2:45am when I woke up to see Marie standing over me. She sat down on the bed and said she needed a hug and started crying. I gave her a hug and asked her what was wrong. She proceeded to tell me that she was trying to pray, really pray for and about other people. Then her thoughts turned to her dad and she missed him. She felt bad for all the tough times they had with each other. She could never say she was sorry now. Marie started telling me about the good times like when we would all play 'hide and go seek' in the house with all the lights out. Or when Mike felt bad for missing her Portland wedding reception because he was putting the finishing touches on a car he rebuilt for them. Mike and Marie often had a difficult relationship, but she was now remembering some of the good and missing it.
In Mike's letter these are a few of the words he left for Marie. "Marie, I hope you have a happy life in spite of the father your were cursed with. I have no doubt that you have inherited your form of depression from me. Grace, please see that Marie gets the best mental health care that she needs. I am so very sorry. I hope you will never have to go down into the depths of hell to which I have plunged. Be the best mother you can be to Ethan. I love you."
The difficulty Mike's death has been to our children has been painful for me to see. I am glad Marie is remembering some of the good and that the bad is fading. Life is way to short to spend thinking about all the negative things. Marriage is a difficult full time job, but I would never change the past 27 years our family spent together. There was a lot of laughter, fun trips, and spiritual moments mixed in with the hard times. Let's remember the good times. Now that I think about it, the bad really wasn't as bad as I once thought...
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Mike's Message to Rachel
Maybe one of the hardest things for me to deal with is seeing how much this has hurt Rachel. In Mike's letter he apologizes for putting her through the anguish that will follow. To show how much he loved her, this is what he left in his letter:
".... If Heavenly Father's justice allows it, I'll be rooting for you. You are a beautiful young lady both on the inside and on the outside. Leaving you is one of the hardest parts of my decision to leave. Many, many tears have been shed in deep anguish because I won't be there for your first prom date and for thousands of other things. Though hard for you to understand now, I believe that my decision to leave this earth life will make your life better soon..."
This must have been excruciatingly painful for him. He wrote that "the effects of depression have permeated and tainted every dimension of my life-mental, social, and spiritual." He also wrote "I don't have confidence anymore that I can earn a living that will support my family... I just cannot seem to stay on top of deadlines anymore. I can't concentrate on my work. The cost of medical insurance and health care for me is too much. From a monetary standpoint, I am truly worth more dead than alive."
For me it is hard to understand how someone can get to that low of a point in their life to think the world would be better off without them. I don't care about fancy cars and homes and I hope I never made Mike feel like those things were more important to me then my family. This takes me back to the what ifs? What if I could have prevented all this from happening? But that is the past and I need to live in the here and now.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Mike's Message to Jeffrey
I think some of my hardest times are when the kids are having a tough time. Mike left a 5 page letter for us. There were a lot of instructions, self doubt, and apologies in his letter. He said, "I have done nothing noteworthy nor have I become something of note. But always throughout my life I have tried to help and serve my fellow brothers and sisters on this earth, without thought of reward. That is the only legacy that I have to pass on." And what a legacy it was. I have never personally known someone who gave so willingly to others.
Here is a little of what Mike wrote to Jeffrey. "I am sorry, Jeffrey, that my decision has to affect you just as you are trying to get started in a new and very important chapter of your life... I hope you have a son so that the Chumley name will be perpetuated - not for my sake, but for my father who was a genuinely good person.... I hope and pray that you will never be tormented by depression as I have been... Hopefully, your mother's genes will override. I love you. I am proud of you."
Mike loved his kids. I don't know how Jeffrey is handling all this. He is amazing and has knowledge that helps him understand the purpose of life and Christ's atonement better then most preachers. Jeffrey stepped up to the plate and was thrown into what he called "Family Finance 310." He was the head of the house and wore the hat perfectly to help our family get through the first few months. I just hope he releases his emotions sometime. It helps with the healing.
A Few Rough Spots
One of the toughest nights was in July at our church girls camp. Fortunately I was there as a leader. The kids did this blindfolded walk holding onto a rope. There were several branches off the rope but they were with a different thickness or type of rope. The girls were told to hold on to the main rope and never let go. They did not know that there would be other ropes to tempt them off the main rope and they did not know there were many adults along the path some to tempt them the wrong way and others to keep them on the straight and narrow. It really is a cool lesson and has many parallels to life.
Many of the girls were tempted off onto the wrong path and didn't make it all the way to the end. When everyone had gone through, they spent some time processing the activity. As we left the dark forested area, Rachel saw me. She came up and gave me a big hug and then just started to cry. Two things had happened. That was the last activity that Mike did with us as a family a few months before. That hit hard. The other thing was that Mike told Rachel that if she lived a good life now and stayed on the straight and narrow, Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ would be on the other side to greet her and tell her that she had done well. Through her tears she told me that when dad gave that lesson she never thought he too might be on the other side to greet her as well. We cried in each others arms for 10-15 minutes. It was one of the toughest cries but also a good one.
Many of the girls were tempted off onto the wrong path and didn't make it all the way to the end. When everyone had gone through, they spent some time processing the activity. As we left the dark forested area, Rachel saw me. She came up and gave me a big hug and then just started to cry. Two things had happened. That was the last activity that Mike did with us as a family a few months before. That hit hard. The other thing was that Mike told Rachel that if she lived a good life now and stayed on the straight and narrow, Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ would be on the other side to greet her and tell her that she had done well. Through her tears she told me that when dad gave that lesson she never thought he too might be on the other side to greet her as well. We cried in each others arms for 10-15 minutes. It was one of the toughest cries but also a good one.
Picking Up the Pieces
There has been so much work to do. We were in the middle of a move across the Puget Sound. Rachel and I had already moved to the new place. Mike's stuff was still, for the most part, in Redmond. I can never express enough gratitude for the many hours of donated time my friends and family gave. Four of us spent one day sitting on the bedroom floor going through stacks and stacks of papers that Mike had pushed under our bed. We had to decipher between what was garbage and what was important to keep. Another friend helped go through his business office to help us decide what to pack and what to chuck. Several other friends stopped by to help with his garage and that business. It took weeks.
There was one day I had been at the Redmond house too long. It was close to midnight and Jeffrey was going through Mike's business stuff with a family friend. I decided to go through Mike's briefcase. While looking in it I found a letter I had written Mike back in about 2001. It wasn't a mean letter, but it expressed how frustrated I had been with "us." Every relationship needs to work out the kinks and we hadn't been taking the time to talk. I couldn't believe he still had the letter and carried it in the briefcase he used on a daily basis. I wondered how often he had recently read it and if it added to his recent feelings of hopelessness.
Without saying a word, I grabbed my stuff and bolted out the door. I just ran. At least I was running in the right direction of the home we were staying in. It was only about a mile away. About half way there I realized how late it was and that I was out alone. I called my kids to let them know I was alright. That was just one of the times picking up the pieces became more then I could handle.
There was one day I had been at the Redmond house too long. It was close to midnight and Jeffrey was going through Mike's business stuff with a family friend. I decided to go through Mike's briefcase. While looking in it I found a letter I had written Mike back in about 2001. It wasn't a mean letter, but it expressed how frustrated I had been with "us." Every relationship needs to work out the kinks and we hadn't been taking the time to talk. I couldn't believe he still had the letter and carried it in the briefcase he used on a daily basis. I wondered how often he had recently read it and if it added to his recent feelings of hopelessness.
Without saying a word, I grabbed my stuff and bolted out the door. I just ran. At least I was running in the right direction of the home we were staying in. It was only about a mile away. About half way there I realized how late it was and that I was out alone. I called my kids to let them know I was alright. That was just one of the times picking up the pieces became more then I could handle.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
I lost my smile...
I love to smile and I love music. I always have. For two months after my husbands passing, I didn't smile and couldn't sing or listen to music. I would find myself with a blank, straight, numb expression. I couldn't smile, and 'love songs' were painful to hear. I am good at hiding my emotions and would laugh around people, give an occasional courtesy smile and pretend to sing in church, but when I was alone I just couldn't smile and didn't want music on. I actually noticed it and missed it. I am not sure what happened. Maybe I felt that if I was smiling people would think I was cold and didn't care. Maybe I couldn't hide my pain and emotions anymore. I didn't feel like smiling but I wanted to.
Maybe all the stress from working though the bills, accounts, and life insurance was to overwhelming. I had to get one of the houses ready to sell, close two businesses and move or sell all Mike's stuff. I had no idea what we had or where we had it. Bad idea. Note to self: death certificates can take up to 2 months, access to funds can shut down during that time. Make sure you have a back up plan with access to cash for bills!!! I had a lot of help which I will forever be thankful for.
I finally received the death certificates the first of September. The life insurance was processed, everything could be changed to my name and I could sell some of our property. It was a welcomed relief. It was after all this, that I found myself driving down the road and I was smiling. It felt good. I am learning that my life must go on. I can smile now and singing is getting easier.
Maybe all the stress from working though the bills, accounts, and life insurance was to overwhelming. I had to get one of the houses ready to sell, close two businesses and move or sell all Mike's stuff. I had no idea what we had or where we had it. Bad idea. Note to self: death certificates can take up to 2 months, access to funds can shut down during that time. Make sure you have a back up plan with access to cash for bills!!! I had a lot of help which I will forever be thankful for.
I finally received the death certificates the first of September. The life insurance was processed, everything could be changed to my name and I could sell some of our property. It was a welcomed relief. It was after all this, that I found myself driving down the road and I was smiling. It felt good. I am learning that my life must go on. I can smile now and singing is getting easier.
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Out Pouring of Love
I cannot believe the love and kindness that was show to our family over the next week. We were put up in homes where the owners were on vacation. We had meals brought to us. People were truly crushed as they heard the news of Mike's passing and then they showed us a great out pouring of love. I learned stories of how Mike helped people whenever the opportunity arose. He even touched many lives in our new hometown just after being here under a year. Sometimes we don't realize what we have until we don't have it anymore.
The funeral was beautiful. The music was moving and touched my soul. The speakers, one being our son Jeffrey, did a really good job comforting all of us present. It was perfect, for a funeral. There were so many people there. It was great to be surrounded by family. They were a great support. A few days later we had a grave side service over in Mose Lake. About 25 people showed up there. Mike was a very loved man. That is what makes his passing so hard to understand.
After a week all the questions started coming up. I call them the 'what ifs.' I didn't like dead time. I didn't want to think. Thinking made we wonder what if.... What if I was more caring, loving, understanding. What if I we went over to Redmond a day earlier, what if the therapist had called me, what if I had been more in tune to his mood, what if I would have sent someone over earlier. But it is too late for "what if." Lots of people have asked me if I was angry. I don't feel angry. I feel lost, alone, frustrated, overwhelmed and shut out of his life. One day they are here and the next day they are not. But you keep thinking they will walk through the door any minute.
The funeral was beautiful. The music was moving and touched my soul. The speakers, one being our son Jeffrey, did a really good job comforting all of us present. It was perfect, for a funeral. There were so many people there. It was great to be surrounded by family. They were a great support. A few days later we had a grave side service over in Mose Lake. About 25 people showed up there. Mike was a very loved man. That is what makes his passing so hard to understand.
After a week all the questions started coming up. I call them the 'what ifs.' I didn't like dead time. I didn't want to think. Thinking made we wonder what if.... What if I was more caring, loving, understanding. What if I we went over to Redmond a day earlier, what if the therapist had called me, what if I had been more in tune to his mood, what if I would have sent someone over earlier. But it is too late for "what if." Lots of people have asked me if I was angry. I don't feel angry. I feel lost, alone, frustrated, overwhelmed and shut out of his life. One day they are here and the next day they are not. But you keep thinking they will walk through the door any minute.
Arriving in Redmond
I think it was about 7am when we finally arrived in Redmond. Some things are kind of a blur. I know my good friend Patty was there waiting. It wasn't long before we were surrounded by many more good friends that stopped by. The house was cold. Mike thought out almost everything. Knowing it would be hot Monday, he put fans in the bedroom. I guess he thought Rachel and I would find him Tuesday when we came for her orthodontist appointment.
There were piles in the living room with names and notes on what to do with the stuff. There was a list of people to contact about work he didn't finish. One note said, "I have had this persons car for a year. Its status is a perfect example of the cascading domino effect that weeks here and there of illness due to depression have had on me." Another note said, "Some may say that I am the victim of my own mismanagement. I believe I am the victim of brain disease (mental illness). Either way, the result is still pure hell." Mike always felt that depression was one of the plagues of the last days. The five page letter he left for us was hard to read. I may post parts of it if I think it could help someone else out there.
I went upstairs to the bedroom alone but Jeffrey followed close behind. Although Mike had been taken away hours before, his pillow was still there with body fluids on it. I told Jeffrey to dispose of it before the girls saw it. Overdosing on insulin is not an easy, peaceful, fall asleep and never wake up kind of thing. (I only bring up the pillow because it comes back into the story later)
I think we were all walking around the house numb. Several friends were there helping us in so many ways. I think everyone was still in shock.
When the Bishop of our Redmond church arrived, I only had one question. What does this do to Mike's eternal salvation knowing that he took his own life? Our Bishop was wonderful, he basically told me that due to the mental illness, Mike was not in control of all of his thoughts. He wasn't thinking clearly. He will be judged by Christ for the life he lived and the knowledge he had. Christ knows Mike's heart and mind. I believe the atonement of Christ will take care of the rest. This all gave me hope but I was still plagued with so many other questions.
There were piles in the living room with names and notes on what to do with the stuff. There was a list of people to contact about work he didn't finish. One note said, "I have had this persons car for a year. Its status is a perfect example of the cascading domino effect that weeks here and there of illness due to depression have had on me." Another note said, "Some may say that I am the victim of my own mismanagement. I believe I am the victim of brain disease (mental illness). Either way, the result is still pure hell." Mike always felt that depression was one of the plagues of the last days. The five page letter he left for us was hard to read. I may post parts of it if I think it could help someone else out there.
I went upstairs to the bedroom alone but Jeffrey followed close behind. Although Mike had been taken away hours before, his pillow was still there with body fluids on it. I told Jeffrey to dispose of it before the girls saw it. Overdosing on insulin is not an easy, peaceful, fall asleep and never wake up kind of thing. (I only bring up the pillow because it comes back into the story later)
I think we were all walking around the house numb. Several friends were there helping us in so many ways. I think everyone was still in shock.
When the Bishop of our Redmond church arrived, I only had one question. What does this do to Mike's eternal salvation knowing that he took his own life? Our Bishop was wonderful, he basically told me that due to the mental illness, Mike was not in control of all of his thoughts. He wasn't thinking clearly. He will be judged by Christ for the life he lived and the knowledge he had. Christ knows Mike's heart and mind. I believe the atonement of Christ will take care of the rest. This all gave me hope but I was still plagued with so many other questions.
Saturday, September 13, 2008
The Long Night Continues
Jeffrey stepped right into the role of head of the family. Marie was comforting me and I had to go tell Rachel. She had just gone to bed. I went in her room and just said, "Rachel something is wrong with dad and it doesn't look good." She wanted to know what that meant so I preceded to tell her what I knew. Good thing there are no houses around ours because she ran outside and screamed. I knew this would be hardest on her. Jeffrey went out to console her and I just stood there trying to figure out what to do. At the moment my head was on straight. It was midnight now but I still called a few people and was able to reach our friends the Oliver's. They came over immediately. We sat and cried together and tried to figure out what to do. The ferries were all down for the night so we couldn't get back to Redmond.
It is so hard to figure out what to do when you are still trying to understand everything that is happening. I made a few calls and sent out a few e-mails. We packed and then decided to catch the first ferry at 4:45 am. This left us time to sit, think and talk. It was kind of surreal.
Meanwhile, in Redmond a group of about 5 friends where at the house with the police and EMT's. They were filling out reports as to why they were there and what happened. A computer on the table got bumped and that is when a letter popped up titled, "My Last Letter To You." That changed the process of investigation from natural or accidentally death to possible suicide.
It is so hard to figure out what to do when you are still trying to understand everything that is happening. I made a few calls and sent out a few e-mails. We packed and then decided to catch the first ferry at 4:45 am. This left us time to sit, think and talk. It was kind of surreal.
Meanwhile, in Redmond a group of about 5 friends where at the house with the police and EMT's. They were filling out reports as to why they were there and what happened. A computer on the table got bumped and that is when a letter popped up titled, "My Last Letter To You." That changed the process of investigation from natural or accidentally death to possible suicide.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
The Longest Night of My Life
At about 10:30pm on Monday, June 30th I turned to Jeffrey and told him I knew something was wrong and I felt it had to do with dad. I was schedule to be in Redmond the next morning but I felt this couldn't wait. Jeffrey also suggested I do something but at first I didn't know what to do so I tried to call Mike and there was no answer. After awhile I decided to call some friends of ours that I knew would still be up. When I finally reached Reed it was after 11pm. I asked if he would go check on Mike for me. He probably felt a bit silly, but did it anyway. Reed and his wife drove up to the house while talking on the cell phone with me. They said the house was dark and told me what cars where in the driveway. I knew from the cars that Mike was home. I am sure Reed was hoping that I was an over reactive wife and that Mike would be in bed. As they rang the doorbell and knocked I called Mike from a cell phone. I was still on the other phone talking to Reed. When there was no response, I told Reed to go in the house. It was dark and Reed was a bit nervous about being mistaken for a robber. The first place they looked was in the garage, a typical place to start. But it was dark as well. I realized that they were using a flashlight and I told them to go ahead and turn on lights and head upstairs.
I knew at this point that something was terribly wrong. Reed walked upstairs calling Mike's name. With the bedrooom lights off, he could see Mike lying on the bed. He turned on the light while still calling Mike's name. As soon as he could really see Mike, he said to me, "Grace this doesn't look good. I need to call 911." I told him not to hang up but use the phone in the room. His wife came on the cell phone with me and repeated, "Grace this doesn't look good." I handed the phone to Jeffrey and knew it was over. Mike was gone.
I knew at this point that something was terribly wrong. Reed walked upstairs calling Mike's name. With the bedrooom lights off, he could see Mike lying on the bed. He turned on the light while still calling Mike's name. As soon as he could really see Mike, he said to me, "Grace this doesn't look good. I need to call 911." I told him not to hang up but use the phone in the room. His wife came on the cell phone with me and repeated, "Grace this doesn't look good." I handed the phone to Jeffrey and knew it was over. Mike was gone.
A Few Odd Happenings
Sunday night, as usual when Mike was gone, he called to talk to us. I didn't find this strange but he did say he wanted to talk to each of the kids individually. That seemed normal enough. He talked to Marie about Ethan and Chris. Mike loved sitting on the floor and playing with his grandson Ethan. Then he talked to Jeffrey about college and Rachel about her summer plans. When I finally talked to him things seemed normal. He was able to stay very calm and happy while talking to us. I didn't suspect a thing. I found out later that in his day timer he had written "D-day" by Sunday June 29 12:00pm. It was about 10:30 when he called.
When I got up the next morning I saw an e-mail posted at 4am from Mike with a note about checking the deposit in the bank. It was the normal day for him to put in $300 for a few weeks groceries. When I looked online, it was posted as $3000. I thought someone made an error with the extra zero, so I called Mike but couldn't reach him. We were also getting ready to buy some stuff for the new house so I thought maybe he put in extra money for that. I tried to call and check he didn't answer. I figured he was either out working on a car or with a client.
Sometime that afternoon, I felt like something was wrong. I told Marie but I just couldn't put my finger on what it was. Call it a spiritual prompting, gut feeling, intuition, or whatever, I felt like something was wrong and I didn't know what, who or where.
When I got up the next morning I saw an e-mail posted at 4am from Mike with a note about checking the deposit in the bank. It was the normal day for him to put in $300 for a few weeks groceries. When I looked online, it was posted as $3000. I thought someone made an error with the extra zero, so I called Mike but couldn't reach him. We were also getting ready to buy some stuff for the new house so I thought maybe he put in extra money for that. I tried to call and check he didn't answer. I figured he was either out working on a car or with a client.
Sometime that afternoon, I felt like something was wrong. I told Marie but I just couldn't put my finger on what it was. Call it a spiritual prompting, gut feeling, intuition, or whatever, I felt like something was wrong and I didn't know what, who or where.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
A Normal Weekend - Almost
The last weekend in June seemed like any other to us. The kids were all here with me and Mike decided to stay in Redmond for the weekend. I didn't think that was too odd. He had done that many times and we were planning to drive over to Redmond on Tuesday for a doctors appointment and would see him then.
By this time I knew that Mike was seeing a new doctor. He had stopped taking his Paxil and this was the doctor he was seeing to make sure things were all right. She was treating his thyroid but not doing much yet for the depression. I did not know that he had also gone back to see our therapist.
On Thursday when he saw the therapist, she could tell he was pretty down. She talked to him about committing himself to the hospital but he wouldn't. She would have committed him involuntarily but he knew exactly what to say and what not to say so she couldn't. She knew his Friday appointment with the other doctor would be crucial. They planned some safety catches for him if the appointment went bad and he agreed to try and follow them. Of course the appointment on Friday was very disappointing to him. The doctor told him that his thyroid was fine and he seemed to be coping so he should keep on living like he was. This was a major blow to him and he did not follow through with the safety plans made the day before. Instead he made up his mind to leave the pain and take his life into his own hands.
When I talked to him over the weekend he seemed happy and content. The therapist said it was because he had made up his mind and was alright about it. He seemed so happy that I didn't catch on to the real reason why.
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Just a thought: If the HIPPA Law had exceptions for mental illness and people not able to think clearly for themselves, the therapist could have called me and this may have all been prevented??? Or at least postponed. . .
By this time I knew that Mike was seeing a new doctor. He had stopped taking his Paxil and this was the doctor he was seeing to make sure things were all right. She was treating his thyroid but not doing much yet for the depression. I did not know that he had also gone back to see our therapist.
On Thursday when he saw the therapist, she could tell he was pretty down. She talked to him about committing himself to the hospital but he wouldn't. She would have committed him involuntarily but he knew exactly what to say and what not to say so she couldn't. She knew his Friday appointment with the other doctor would be crucial. They planned some safety catches for him if the appointment went bad and he agreed to try and follow them. Of course the appointment on Friday was very disappointing to him. The doctor told him that his thyroid was fine and he seemed to be coping so he should keep on living like he was. This was a major blow to him and he did not follow through with the safety plans made the day before. Instead he made up his mind to leave the pain and take his life into his own hands.
When I talked to him over the weekend he seemed happy and content. The therapist said it was because he had made up his mind and was alright about it. He seemed so happy that I didn't catch on to the real reason why.
----------------
Just a thought: If the HIPPA Law had exceptions for mental illness and people not able to think clearly for themselves, the therapist could have called me and this may have all been prevented??? Or at least postponed. . .
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
He gave up hope and I missed it somehow
In June of 2001, I hospitalized Mike because he was so dysfunctional and showed suicidal tendencies. It was really a good thing in the end and Mike learned a lot. This time I just didn't see it coming. I saw signs of things but never in a million years did I think he would follow through with taking his own life. Back in 2001 when I took him to University of Washington Emergency Center, they asked him if he ever felt suicidal and what he would do if he decided to end his life. He said that he would overdose on his insulin. This was a shock to me because there was nothing I could do about it. He had to have it. I couldn't take away his "weapon" of choice because it also kept him alive.
This time when I felt he was going down hill, I talked to him about it. He said he was losing hope. I kept giving him reasons not to lose hope. Living alone in Redmond during the week didn't help matters. On numerous occasions I would call a close friend of his and have them check on Mike.
In May we were taking a trip back east to pick up our son. I felt like I was trying to get a toddler on a plane; he was so despondent. As we left behind our lives and started visiting new places he perked up and seemed to be enjoying himself. When I asked him how he was, he would say, "not very good." He could hide his pain so well. His obsession at Niagara Falls about how many deaths a year took place there was a bit unnerving. When we arrived back home he was surrounded by family and seemed much happier, but to him the weight of the world was on his shoulders. How would he ever get caught up on his work load? How would he ever get the Redmond house ready to sell? How would he ever make life for his family better? How could he ever make his wife happy? OUCH but those were some of the thoughts running through his head. He felt he was disappointing so many people.
This time when I felt he was going down hill, I talked to him about it. He said he was losing hope. I kept giving him reasons not to lose hope. Living alone in Redmond during the week didn't help matters. On numerous occasions I would call a close friend of his and have them check on Mike.
In May we were taking a trip back east to pick up our son. I felt like I was trying to get a toddler on a plane; he was so despondent. As we left behind our lives and started visiting new places he perked up and seemed to be enjoying himself. When I asked him how he was, he would say, "not very good." He could hide his pain so well. His obsession at Niagara Falls about how many deaths a year took place there was a bit unnerving. When we arrived back home he was surrounded by family and seemed much happier, but to him the weight of the world was on his shoulders. How would he ever get caught up on his work load? How would he ever get the Redmond house ready to sell? How would he ever make life for his family better? How could he ever make his wife happy? OUCH but those were some of the thoughts running through his head. He felt he was disappointing so many people.
Monday, September 8, 2008
Things change so quickly
I wrote that last article 1 1/2 years ago not knowing what I would ever do with it. During that time, I thought things were getting better. We were moving, Mike was going to open his own shop, and I seemed to be dealing with life better. But for Mike it wasn't good. He was here on the weekends and then somewhat isolated in Redmond during the week. It seemed nothing over there was getting accomplished. The house we were going to sell still needed lots of work.
What I didn't know was that Mike took himself off of his Paxil, a dangerous thing to do. "In clinical studies, antidepressants increased the risk of suicidal thinking and behavior. Anyone considering the use of Paxil or any other antidepressant must balance this risk with the clinical need." (www.helpguide.org) Going off of it without doctor supervision is just plain crazy. I realized something was wrong about 5 months after he went off it. He would snap at us, something he had never done before. He just got agitated easily. When I confronted him about it and asked him if he was depressed he denied it for awhile, but finally he told me everything. I encouraged him to go see a doctor.
For Mike it was easy to hid his disease. He also was a type one diabetic. Whenever he wasn't feeling well, he would blame it on the diabetes. Family, friends and even doctors bought into it. But I didn't and close friends knew it.
What I didn't know was that Mike took himself off of his Paxil, a dangerous thing to do. "In clinical studies, antidepressants increased the risk of suicidal thinking and behavior. Anyone considering the use of Paxil or any other antidepressant must balance this risk with the clinical need." (www.helpguide.org) Going off of it without doctor supervision is just plain crazy. I realized something was wrong about 5 months after he went off it. He would snap at us, something he had never done before. He just got agitated easily. When I confronted him about it and asked him if he was depressed he denied it for awhile, but finally he told me everything. I encouraged him to go see a doctor.
For Mike it was easy to hid his disease. He also was a type one diabetic. Whenever he wasn't feeling well, he would blame it on the diabetes. Family, friends and even doctors bought into it. But I didn't and close friends knew it.
Sunday, September 7, 2008
Surviving Depression - When You Are the Healthy One
(I wrote this in Feb. 2007)
You see articles, ads, and even classes to help people who suffer with depression. I have never seen anything to help a person deal with family members who suffer from depression. In fact, I find it hard to be included in the conversations with doctors about how to even care for a family member suffering from depression. So what happens when you are the one who sometimes has to keep everything together and not lose control of life? What happens when you have to be strong for everyone else? You can handle it, you’re the stable one. I have learned that this is not always the case.
In 1983 my husband was diagnosed with clinical depression. Although it was difficult and challenging at times, I felt I dealt with this change in our lives very well. I always had a positive upbeat attitude. I was always smiling and usually cheerful. I had sympathy for his struggles. Then in 2003, our then 19 year old daughter was also diagnosed with depression. They are both on medication for life and for the most part it does its job. These medications do a good job to stabilize people, but they also have side effects and some can affect the depressed person’s relationships with others.
After 24 years of living with this disease in our family, I have learned some things. Those of us who are the “care givers” in the relationship can go through stages like in the grieving process. I list the stages in this order:
The happy, fix everything, caregiver stage
The sad stage
The angry stage
The numb, I don’t care stage, and
The realization stage
At first I tried to hide the disease from others. I was going to stay positive and be there to pull my spouse out of any depressive state. It is hard to do this sometimes when I see him standing in the room staring at his feet and not able to function. I know it will pass in a day or in a week so I just go on. I try to do even more to make life comfortable. If I do talk to friends, some don’t believe me since they have never experienced seeing my family member in this state of mind. It can get difficult to explain why he isn’t with me at an event or explain why his work isn’t getting done. There is still a stigma with depression that makes us want to hide it. I hadn’t realized yet that this disease was going to challenge me just as much.
For years I went in and out of living normal and then taking on the roll of the caregiver. It finally started taking its toll on me and I started to become sad. I was sad that I would never have a normal life with my partner, sad that I had to often deal with the problem alone with no one to talk to, and sad about the ramifications of what depression medications did to our intimate relationship. I started to cry a lot but always in privacy. I had to be strong for everyone. I was afraid of letting them see me down because of what affect it might have on them.
It didn’t take long for this sadness and crying on my part to turn to anger. I began to verbally display my anger to other people. I became very cynical toward my spouse. I even felt I was stuck in a bad relationship with no way out. The negative attitude started at home but eventually began affecting me in public. I talked to people more about the depression. Even worse, my attitude toward men in general was going downhill. It wasn’t unusual for me to bash all men. I became a very angry person. At the same time, I was able to fully function at my job and turn the anger on and off. At times I felt as if I was two different people. The crying also happened much more often.
After all the anger, I just went numb. I quit caring. I quit crying. I didn’t care what I looked like. Sometimes I was even happier withdrawn and away from the world. I had no goals and no desires for the future. Nothing was ever going to change so why bother. I was just existing and passing time.
Eventually I hit the final stage: I realized something needed to change. But where does one start? How do I change? How does someone accept that this is how life might be? Will there ever be happiness again? Not much is going to change for my daughter or husband. They will have to depend on medication for life. What can I do for me and where do I start? That is where I am right now in life.
During this whole process I have gained a lot of weight. My blood pressure is not good and my cholesterol is too high. My husband and I started seeing a therapist and that is bringing a lot of this out in the open. And guess what the therapist told me last week? I’m suffering from depression. At least I don’t need medication; I just need an attitude adjustment.
Grace February 2007
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As an after thought to all this, I believe that those of us in this position don’t necessarily go through the steps in just that order and then it is done. I think we move back and forth and in and out of these stages. And most of the time we don’t see an end too it, causing even more pain. Just because you come to a realization of the problem, doesn’t mean you can move on without falling back into one of the other stages when the next issue arises that you have to deal with.
You see articles, ads, and even classes to help people who suffer with depression. I have never seen anything to help a person deal with family members who suffer from depression. In fact, I find it hard to be included in the conversations with doctors about how to even care for a family member suffering from depression. So what happens when you are the one who sometimes has to keep everything together and not lose control of life? What happens when you have to be strong for everyone else? You can handle it, you’re the stable one. I have learned that this is not always the case.
In 1983 my husband was diagnosed with clinical depression. Although it was difficult and challenging at times, I felt I dealt with this change in our lives very well. I always had a positive upbeat attitude. I was always smiling and usually cheerful. I had sympathy for his struggles. Then in 2003, our then 19 year old daughter was also diagnosed with depression. They are both on medication for life and for the most part it does its job. These medications do a good job to stabilize people, but they also have side effects and some can affect the depressed person’s relationships with others.
After 24 years of living with this disease in our family, I have learned some things. Those of us who are the “care givers” in the relationship can go through stages like in the grieving process. I list the stages in this order:
The happy, fix everything, caregiver stage
The sad stage
The angry stage
The numb, I don’t care stage, and
The realization stage
At first I tried to hide the disease from others. I was going to stay positive and be there to pull my spouse out of any depressive state. It is hard to do this sometimes when I see him standing in the room staring at his feet and not able to function. I know it will pass in a day or in a week so I just go on. I try to do even more to make life comfortable. If I do talk to friends, some don’t believe me since they have never experienced seeing my family member in this state of mind. It can get difficult to explain why he isn’t with me at an event or explain why his work isn’t getting done. There is still a stigma with depression that makes us want to hide it. I hadn’t realized yet that this disease was going to challenge me just as much.
For years I went in and out of living normal and then taking on the roll of the caregiver. It finally started taking its toll on me and I started to become sad. I was sad that I would never have a normal life with my partner, sad that I had to often deal with the problem alone with no one to talk to, and sad about the ramifications of what depression medications did to our intimate relationship. I started to cry a lot but always in privacy. I had to be strong for everyone. I was afraid of letting them see me down because of what affect it might have on them.
It didn’t take long for this sadness and crying on my part to turn to anger. I began to verbally display my anger to other people. I became very cynical toward my spouse. I even felt I was stuck in a bad relationship with no way out. The negative attitude started at home but eventually began affecting me in public. I talked to people more about the depression. Even worse, my attitude toward men in general was going downhill. It wasn’t unusual for me to bash all men. I became a very angry person. At the same time, I was able to fully function at my job and turn the anger on and off. At times I felt as if I was two different people. The crying also happened much more often.
After all the anger, I just went numb. I quit caring. I quit crying. I didn’t care what I looked like. Sometimes I was even happier withdrawn and away from the world. I had no goals and no desires for the future. Nothing was ever going to change so why bother. I was just existing and passing time.
Eventually I hit the final stage: I realized something needed to change. But where does one start? How do I change? How does someone accept that this is how life might be? Will there ever be happiness again? Not much is going to change for my daughter or husband. They will have to depend on medication for life. What can I do for me and where do I start? That is where I am right now in life.
During this whole process I have gained a lot of weight. My blood pressure is not good and my cholesterol is too high. My husband and I started seeing a therapist and that is bringing a lot of this out in the open. And guess what the therapist told me last week? I’m suffering from depression. At least I don’t need medication; I just need an attitude adjustment.
Grace February 2007
--------
As an after thought to all this, I believe that those of us in this position don’t necessarily go through the steps in just that order and then it is done. I think we move back and forth and in and out of these stages. And most of the time we don’t see an end too it, causing even more pain. Just because you come to a realization of the problem, doesn’t mean you can move on without falling back into one of the other stages when the next issue arises that you have to deal with.
Life Can Change So Fast
Well a lot has happened since Jun when I posted the last message. I decided I needed a place to air out my thoughs. On June 29th everything seemed to be going well. We were planning a nice big 4th of July party here in Sequim at the house. Then on June 30th our world turned upside down. I felt something was wrong for a large part of the day but couldn't figure out what. Finally late that evening I called Reed, a family friend, and asked him to go check on Mike. That may have been a strange request for 11pm at night but none the less Reed did it for me. While in constant communication on the cell phone, Reed and his wife drove to our Redmond house. They found Mike but it was too late. He had died of self induced insulin shock. Mike had taken his own life to escape the pain and side effects of years of depression, diabetes and other medical issues. That is when everything changed for our family.
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