Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Mike's Message to Rachel

Maybe one of the hardest things for me to deal with is seeing how much this has hurt Rachel. In Mike's letter he apologizes for putting her through the anguish that will follow. To show how much he loved her, this is what he left in his letter:
".... If Heavenly Father's justice allows it, I'll be rooting for you. You are a beautiful young lady both on the inside and on the outside. Leaving you is one of the hardest parts of my decision to leave. Many, many tears have been shed in deep anguish because I won't be there for your first prom date and for thousands of other things. Though hard for you to understand now, I believe that my decision to leave this earth life will make your life better soon..."
This must have been excruciatingly painful for him. He wrote that "the effects of depression have permeated and tainted every dimension of my life-mental, social, and spiritual." He also wrote "I don't have confidence anymore that I can earn a living that will support my family... I just cannot seem to stay on top of deadlines anymore. I can't concentrate on my work. The cost of medical insurance and health care for me is too much. From a monetary standpoint, I am truly worth more dead than alive."
For me it is hard to understand how someone can get to that low of a point in their life to think the world would be better off without them. I don't care about fancy cars and homes and I hope I never made Mike feel like those things were more important to me then my family. This takes me back to the what ifs? What if I could have prevented all this from happening? But that is the past and I need to live in the here and now.

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