Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Which Way do I Go Now?

I am not sure what direction to go in next. Jeffrey is back in college and doing wonderful. Marie & Ethan are still living with me until November when Chris comes home from AIT in the Army Reserves. They will then stay through December at least. Rachel is busy in high school but she is starting to have anxiety attacks more often which is scary. Anxiety and depression are very similar. We are currently dealing with it by trying to learn how to accept the anxiety and learn breathing techniques. She needs to learn to relax. My friend suggested two books one is called "From Panic to Power" by Lucinda Bassett and the other is "When You Can't Do It Alone...take the Lord's Hand" by Brent Topp. I will have to look into them!
So now that the kids seem to be doing alright, how am I? I really don't know. I don't think I have processed everything yet. I haven't been left alone much, which is a good thing. Sometimes I cry when I am alone writing these posts. I kind of fell apart one day in the school office when I went to check on some stuff for Rachel. It was weird. The secretary just asked me how I was doing and when I went to answer her, I just started crying. I felt so out of control and stupid, but the office was all wonderful about it and took me to a back room. They tell me that is normal. I asked another friend if the pain ever goes away. She said no but it does lesson over time. I also met with my doctor recently and she didn't know anything had happened so we chatted and I cried. People are very loving and understanding.
The hardest thing for me is still praying. I don't know why. My faith isn't shaken. I like to be in control of myself and maybe I am afraid of the emotions that might arise through deep personal prayer. I am exercising again which makes me feel better. I think I am in control of my financial situation. So if I keep myself surrounded with family and good friends, I won't get lonely.


The Reads said...

"I like to be in control of myself and maybe I am afraid of the emotions that might arise through deep personal prayer."

That's why I came to you that one night and started crying. It was because I finally tried to pray. I like to be in control of when and where I cry and I just wasn't ready to feel the emotions from what happened until then.

Love you mommy

Super Angie said...

I'm so glad you have both daughters there with you, plus your sweet grandson. :) Where is Jeffery going to school?

When I have anxiety attacks, I focus on my breathing and remember that God loves me...nothing else really matters. I breathe and think of something happy. I don't know if that helps or not... Sometimes it helps me, other times I just cry or freak out!

Janice said...

Hey Grace, I posted a comment farther down while reading, but just wanted you to know what strength I see in you and gain from reading "your thoughts". I love the scripture you used in your blog title!