Thursday, September 18, 2008

I lost my smile...

I love to smile and I love music. I always have. For two months after my husbands passing, I didn't smile and couldn't sing or listen to music. I would find myself with a blank, straight, numb expression. I couldn't smile, and 'love songs' were painful to hear. I am good at hiding my emotions and would laugh around people, give an occasional courtesy smile and pretend to sing in church, but when I was alone I just couldn't smile and didn't want music on. I actually noticed it and missed it. I am not sure what happened. Maybe I felt that if I was smiling people would think I was cold and didn't care. Maybe I couldn't hide my pain and emotions anymore. I didn't feel like smiling but I wanted to.
Maybe all the stress from working though the bills, accounts, and life insurance was to overwhelming. I had to get one of the houses ready to sell, close two businesses and move or sell all Mike's stuff. I had no idea what we had or where we had it. Bad idea. Note to self: death certificates can take up to 2 months, access to funds can shut down during that time. Make sure you have a back up plan with access to cash for bills!!! I had a lot of help which I will forever be thankful for.
I finally received the death certificates the first of September. The life insurance was processed, everything could be changed to my name and I could sell some of our property. It was a welcomed relief. It was after all this, that I found myself driving down the road and I was smiling. It felt good. I am learning that my life must go on. I can smile now and singing is getting easier.

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