Sleep? I Hear It's Over Rated

It is 4am and I have been lying in bed for over 4 hours trying to fall asleep. To late to take anything but I think I need to find those sleeping pills the doctor prescribed last summer. The cats been in my face all night so I finally got up to find out that he was out of dry cat food. That explains his behavior. As for me, I just can't seem to shut off my mind.....

Count Down to the One Year Mark

So like always I have been keeping myself busy, but then I have to deal with reality. I had a wonderful weekend in Redmond with all my kids. Jeffrey, Marie and baby Ethan flew in for my girlfriend's daughter's wedding. The bride also happens to be one of Jeffery's best buddies from high school. Rachel was a junior bridesmaid in the wedding at Mary Queen of Peace and it was beautiful. Rachel was beautiful too! I was able to see a lot of co-workers and friends.
Like always, spending time with my kids was a blast but ended too soon. After taking them to the airport Sunday, I had to go over to our old house to make sure things were ready for the sale and closing on Thursday. Rachel didn't want to go so I dropped her off at a friends. Somewhat of a bad move because I now had to go over there alone, again and for the last time.
As I finished up the things I had to do at the house, I finally sat on the steps and cried. Cried over all the wonderful memories of raising my kids in that house, cried that I had to let it go, and cried over how it all ended there. As I had walked through each room, a memory came to me. . . some good, some bad. The laughter of Rachel (4) and Jeffrey (10) racing to the bathroom and Rachel winning because she bit Jeffrey on the butt. The joy and excitement when we told Marie & Jeffrey we were having another baby. The fun times of teenagers sitting on the leather couch taking and laughing (the kids won't let me sell that couch!) The images of the kids waiting at the top of the stairs every Christmas until we said they could come down. The exciting themed birthday parties we use to have. How we could always find Mike asleep on a heater vent and even once in the garage under a car! So many memories after 18 years there. When Rachel's first hamster died Mike, Rachel and I all climb into our big king size bed and just held each other and cried. Mike always took it hard when an animal died. He was there alone when he had to deal with putting Marie's cat of 15 years down. He called Marie from the vet and let her talk to Katy and then stayed in the room while they put her to sleep. He was always tender with the animals even though he would complain about their hair and messes.
We have a fun series of pictures on the leather couch as the kids were growing up. In fact I have
lots of pictures. Almost 15 albums worth of pictures! It is still a little hard for me to look at the old family pictures but time will change that. I am trying not to count down to the one year mark, but it is hard. I would be lying if I said I was not looking back and reflecting on things and wondering a bit. I try not to stay there too long. I think what is hardest right now, is that I keep trying to imagine what was going through his head that last week a year ago. It is strange though, how I have never felt Mike's presence around, not even there at the old house.

I Love My Kids!

Have I ever mentioned how wonderful my kids are? They are a great support to me and I probably don't tell them enough how much they mean to me.
Marie is an amazing mother! She is a joy to watch taking care of her son Ethan. Chris and her have an amazing relationship. I have loved watching her grow into the women she is. She has her struggles but deep down she is a very strong women. I love to listen to her play the piano. She was blessed with a great talent for that.
Jeffrey, well I have always wondered why I was so lucky to raise such an outstanding young man. He is so centered and very strong in his convictions and faith. He has an amazing understanding of the purpose of life. He is a great example to our family and the center of our family strength. His example of hard work and endurance is a blessing and example to all of us.
Rachel is unbelievable! The death of her father has been very hard on her, yet she has made a choice to rise above it and try to understand the purpose of God's plan for us. She works so hard at school and tries to follow her brothers example of hard work. Most kids in her shoes would have chose to retreat and crawl in a hole. She chose to get involved in school and surround herself with good people.
We all have are faults. That is one reason we are on earth, to overcome our faults and become better people. As a mom, I couldn't have hand picked better children. They are a large part of the reason I have been able to go on and get through this year as well as I have.
Kids, if you read this, I LOVE YOU. You are my diamonds.

This Is Going To Be A Long Month...

At the end of this month it will be the one year anniversary of Mike's death. So I guess I should just expect that things will be a little crazy. For starters, I am learning that I don't know how to take care of a home! It took a week of trying different things to get the swamp cooler set right. I still can't get the motion light to work correctly and now the motor for the irrigation ditch is cracked because I didn't winterize it last fall. I just figured out the water softener! How do people survive without a handyman for a husband? It costs a small fortune to call someone in to fix things. The drain stop broke in my sink, how do you fix that???
The buyers almost backed out of buying the house in Redmond. That was scary, but I just kept praying. I guess until the 25th they still could back out. It is killing me to pay the mortgage, lawn care, and staging for that house until it sells. Now the kids are telling me the house in Utah has a leek around the toilet (flashback of the hole in my ceiling for 8 years from the last toilet leak) and the rain gutters are missing on part of the house. People actually enjoy owning real estate?
Tuesday was a really bad day, everything seemed off. I can't even remember what happened! The IRS stuff is still hanging over my head. It seems like everything is just nuts right now. I even lost it on the phone with my daughter......again. About 95% of the time I can brush it all off and smile but this week has been a tough one. I can only imagine over the next few weeks it will get harder.
As to not depress anyone, let me end on a happier note. I hit the jackpot at an estate sale!!! The lady was a true shopaholic. Seriously. She bought clothes and never wore them. Some were mail order clothes still in the packages. She even bought the same thing in 4 different sizes. They were all brand new with the tags still on. It was like a small boutique on someones front lawn! They totalled up the lowest price on the tag and then took off 80%! So I bought $415 worth of NEW skirts, dresses and tops for $80. So I just got a new wardrobe for $80!!! The $415 was the lowest price on the tags. Some of the items were originally $40 marked down to $20 that I paid $4 for So I guess her curse was my blessing. If I am not careful I may shop myself through this month!

Life Has Been Busy, But Good

Maybe I am not getting on here as much because life is moving on and I have less to talk about... I doubt it, but I have been very busy. One thing I did last fall when I finally had access to all our accounts was to take a small stock and sell it. Good timing too! Anyway, I put that aside for fun money. I knew that this first year would be hard on me and my family. I wanted to be able to get away if we needed to especially at the holidays. Hence the Thanksgiving trip to Victoria Canada with all the kids and the Christmas trip to Hawaii with Jeffrey and Rachel. It also allowed me to go to California in March and help out a friend in need. Well the money is almost gone now but we did finish it off with one last trip! Some good friends were going to Disneyland and had a 4 bedroom condo, actually it was the presidential suite, and at the last minute asked us if we want to go. Two seconds later I had airline tickets to Orange County. My friends drove down and didn't tell their daughter we were coming. So when they got to the condo, we were already there. The surprise on their daughters face when she saw Rachel was priceless.

So I guess you could say for my late birthday present to myself, we went to Disneyland. We had a fun time there for 5 days and even went to see the Medieval Times dinner entertainment show complete with jousting. What a fun time. Now I will say that there were some very lonely times too. It isn't always fun to be the third wheel with the two teenagers. Most rides I was by myself and that was hard sometimes. I also know that I need to give the girls space. So I tried really hard to give them time alone. That often meant I was alone too. Those are the hard times. I will really have to think hard about what I want to do when Rachel graduates from high school. I am fine at the house for a day or two alone, but months..... Rachel says I am going to follow her to college. I think she will drag me with her! We are very close and I am thankful for that.

On another topic, my nephew Michael and I went to a single adult conference. I hadn't seen him since he came back from his second tour of duty in Iraq so it was really fun to be with him. As for attending single adult activities, well let's just say, weird. Last time I went to one was last August and I wasn't ready to really mingle. This time there were just not that many people worth mingling with! Those that were are not interested in me. So the dilemma remains, how do you meet good guys. After sitting though 6 songs at the dance, my nephew and I went into another room and played a game. I guess I am not ready to be the lead and go ask a guy to dance. Don't get me wrong, I love to dance. In fact, that is one reason why dances are so hard for me. Mike and I could dance. We could be out of sorts with each other and you get us on the dance floor and we looked and danced as if we were madly in love. It was always something we just clicked at.

One last interesting thing I did that is surprising to some people is I taught a class to adults on how to survive a death. I have learned so much on the paperwork side of things. My sister-in-law gave me a red folder file system the week Mike passed away and I used it to organize myself. It was a real life savor that I still refer to. So I taught about 12 people how to set it up and what is important to do and not to do in the event of a death. It was a very rewarding class to teach.

Bad news: As for the IRS, I am still in a mess with them after their screw up. It will take months to get this figured out.
Good news: after 11 months I have a buyer for my house. If all goes well, it will close on June 25 and I will be done with the Redmond home for good.
Bad news: it is selling for $100,000 less then it would have a 1 1/2 years ago when it should have been put on the market. Oh well.
Good news: It is a beautiful day and I am going to go out and mow the yard and be happy about it...

The Good and the Bad

It is late at night and I haven't been on here in awhile. We have had a busy month with the school production of Beauty and the Beast. This was my second year as the house manager and pre-ticket sale person. When you have 6 shows and can seat 600 people a show, that is a busy job! We only had two nights that seating was down to the last few seats, so it wasn't as bad as last year.
I have also been working a lot. The past two weeks I haven't worked because I got a bad cough after working in attendance where all the sick kids come use my phone!!! I can't remember if I mentioned that I received my life time substitute teaching certificate. It is good for K-12th grade. So I had the fun opportunity to teach high school history for 3 days in a row. It was fun because Rachel was in one of my classes! The first day the kids got a little crazy (normal for how they act with a sub) so on the second day Rachel was gone for the first part of class. When she walked in they were quiet and respectful. She was shocked so when we got home she asked me what I did to change the kids. Well, I believe in a little bribery, so I told them I would bring them all brownies for my birthday on the third day if they were good. That meant brownies for 150 kids or 5 classes worth! But I made them all and it was fun. The main reason they were good though is because I told them I didn't have to be there. I told them I didn't have to work but I did because I enjoyed the kids. I am a laid back sub and we can have a lot of fun together but they have to be respectful and no swearing. If not, I won't come back. They all said I was the best sub ever and they wanted me back so they would be good. Wow, that was easy!!!
So let me go back to my birthday. Worked all day and ate brownies with the kids. Rachel and I were planning to go to Applebees for dinner, but she wanted to take a friend so it wouldn't be so boring... so I spent my birthday dinner with 5 teenagers at Applebees! It was really fun. One of the kids asked the waitress to cut my food into little pieces because I was OLD now. Fun times. I had a blond moment when she brought me a little red sculptured balloon and I said, "ah, what a cute tomato." Everyone stared at me blankly then in unison said, "It is an Apple...Applebees..." So I felt my old age of 50 and wondered if my mind was going. I did receive flowers from a few people and that was wonderful. I love flowers.
There were also a few tough moments in the last few weeks. I have always said that my marriage contract said I did the inside of the house and Mike did the outside. It was kind of a joke between us. Well now I have to do the outside too. Most weeks from April to October, I have to mow the lawn twice a week. That is two acres of grass to mow with the sit down mower, then weed wack, then mow certain areas with the push mower. As you can imagine it takes me about 3-4 hours each time. Most of the time I don't mind it, but last week was awful. The grass had managed to grow 4-5 inches before I could cut it. It had rained whenever I had time to cut it so it just grew. When I finally had a chance to mow, it was still damp in some areas and very windy. I didn't finish until 8:30pm and the sit down mower kept jamming and sliding all over from damp grass. I was so mad. With the lawn mower being loud and no one living near us, I took this opportunity to scream, cry and complain about how mad I was that Mike would leave this for me to deal with. Sounds weird but I guess I temporarily lost it. It actually felt good to be upset for a brief time. At least there was a release of emotion. Marie called that night to complain about something and I snapped, "it is my turn to have a bad day, I don't want to hear about yours!" I don't normally get that way so I am sure it surprised her.
I also finally talked to someone about getting a headstone for Mike. It has almost taken me a year to do this. Crazy but I haven't wanted to deal with it.

A 28th Wedding Anniversary I Will Never Forget

I spent May 1st, staying busy. I took some May Day flowers to friends and then went to the theatre to paint & help out. I tried to keep busy and not think about the fact that it would have been my 28th wedding anniversary. I succeeded in keeping busy which isn't hard when you are involved in a theatre production that opens in a week! I was trying to keep busy because today would have been my 28th anniversary if my husband was still alive...
By the time we got home it was a little after 11pm. A few of the boys came to our house with pizza and we chatted a bit. As I walked by my hallway, I noticed that my bedroom door at the end was shut and my light was on. It made me a little nervous since I knew I hadn't been in there. I called out to the kids asking them if anyone had been in my room and there was silence. I thought something was unusual about all this, so I went to check it out. I opened my door to find a bouquet of flowers by my bed and papers on my bed in the shape of a big heart. One was place in the middle and simply said, "read me first." As I opened it I read, "Mommy! You didn't think I'd really forget your 28th anniversary did you?!? I hope today wasn't too hard. Here are 28 letters from 28 people who love you dearly. So many people love and appreciate you. I know daddy loves you still and is watching over you. Our family is forever." Rachel
You can imagine tears flowed as I read the expressions of love and kind words from 28 of the wonderful youth in our area. Some know me from church and some from the high school. There were even a few youth that heard about it later and wanted to add a letter. I can't express how my heart was touched by their words. They turned a day that could have been dificult into one of the most cherished days of my life. I love the youth and the wonderful parents that are raising them. You have touched my life forever.

"Firsts" Are Still Difficult, Even With A Positive Attitude

"Firsts" definitely are difficult. I love springtime, I was born in the spring, married in the spring and it is just a beautiful time of the year.

As I approach my birthday, I think I will make it through alright. Half the time Mike never did anything for my birthday anyway. Then other times he really went all out. But this is a landmark birthday. I really have no plans to do anything. Rachel has play rehearsal every evening from here until May 8th so I could go out to dinner alone... but that doesn't sound fun. I enjoy life so I really don't mind getting older. I do mind getting older alone. I really do hate not having someone around to share intimate feelings and thoughts with. Someone to be with.

As for the anniversary, I am not sure how to get through that one except to just stay busy. It would be our 28th anniversary. It is weird to think that I have been married more of my life then I was single. Maybe that is why I hate being single so much, just not used to it. Sometimes I see all the single women out there and I think maybe I should be happy for what I had and not worry about dating so they can have a chance at that same kind of happiness. Then I think who would want to marry me anyway! I am happy with who I am and I really don't have weird hangups, but most guys can't see beyond my few extra pounds to figure that out. Wait, there are no guys around here to date so maybe I am wrong about that!!! I guess I shouldn't worry about dating until Rachel is in college anyway, she might rebel on me! I joke with her about double dating all the time and she just rolls her eyes.

As for Mothers Day, I used to say that by the time it came my family was sick of doing things for me! Having a birthday, anniversary and then Mother's Day all spread out in one week is too much to focus on one person! I have fantastic kids so I am sure they will do their best to take care of me during this up coming week of more "firsts."

Truth be told, while Rachel has been off doing her own thing, being by myself these last few weeks have been difficult. I try and keep busy but when I am all alone and it is quiet, my doubts and fears creep in the most. I am a survivor, so it will all be okay.

90/10 Rule

"10% of life is made up of what happens to you. 90% of life is decided by how you react." Stephen R Covey

I really like this theory. I believe it is pretty accurate too. Trying to teach this principle to others is a bit hard. I wish I could have done better at teaching my kids this concept. My life has been so much more pleasant after I learned to believe this. I don't get angry easily, I can roll with the punches better and I am happier due to it. Doesn't mean I don't have down or bad days.

Yesterday was one of those days I just wanted to cry. Don't really know why. A song would come on, or memories would surface, and I would just feel lonely. It doesn't help that Rachel is gone from 6:45am to 9:30pm almost everyday this week! So I sat home alone all afternoon and evening. Since today would be similar, I did something different and pulled out the genealogy to work on. It is a good distraction and hobby of mine. It was a little tough when I tackled putting in Mike's death info.

It also gets tough trying to deal with all this stuff I have never had to deal with. Health insurance, mortgages, bills, IRS, selling a house. Crazy! I messed up when my COBRA ended and didn't get our new health insurance by the deadline so we are uninsured for April. SCARY. I need lots of prayers for the Redmond house to sell. If I drop the price again, I will get nothing out of it. So, I take all these mind boggling things and I get to decide how I am going to react.
Today, I choose to move forward with a smile but an occasional tear is still alright.

Avoiding my blog....what is with that?

I have kind of been avoiding my blog and I am not sure why. Maybe I have nothing to say...wow. The rest of our holiday in Utah was a blast. I got to see a lot of wonderful people and think a lot about the 'good old days.' I especially enjoyed reminiscing with Rick; good times. Thanks for being you. I also can't believe how long Connie and I sat and talked! What good memories. I also had fun on what I could say was my first date as a widow. Details? No I'd like to keep that somewhat private for now.

The last of our stay we just visited with family. It was great to see Uncle Jack and Janene. Uncle Jack reminds me so much of my dad. I felt bad because I missed seeing my cousin due to my own stupidity. Just plan forgot to check my e-mail until it was too late. I loved playing with my grandson and I miss him tons and tons.

Anyway, we are back home and lots of fun things going on. Rachel got her braces off, received her license, and had a big late birthday bash with her friends. Now it is time to get back down to work. I spent some time cleaning out the garage, but I can only do so much then I need a break. Going through old stuff is hard. Sometimes I think I throw things away just to get the memories to move on. No news from the IRS. I guess that is good. No news on the sale of the Redmond house. I guess that is bad. If there is one thing anyone reading this could do for our family right now, I would say pray that the house in Redmond sells quickly before I have to drop the price again. If I have to drop the price of the house, I will not get out of it what I have had to put into it for selling. I just need to be free of it. Our family is going to pray and fast on Thursday, anyone is welcome to pray with us. I have had a lot of miracles this last year and I feel bad asking for another, but I need one more.

Taking a Break and Having Some Fun

Everyone needs to take a break and have some fun. It is spring break so Rachel and I are with the college kids enjoying some time together. Tonight we are going to see one of my high school buddies in a play at the Hale Theatre. Jeffrey is busy in college and really needed the break. Rachel went to his classes and lab yesterday and had a good time with him. She also did a college tour at another university and that was great. She is planning to go to his colleges BIG rival! So we have had a great time as a family.
I have also had the opportunity to see old friends from high school and more recent friends that moved from Washington. Today was lunch with the Baker's, yesterday was dinner with the Sells. We had a blast. At dinner, we stayed at the Olive Garden for 2 1/2 hours laughing and getting caught up. Right before we left, we apologized to our waiter for being there so long and for our loud laughter. He said it was great to see us so happy and that he loved my smile. He said I was smiling all night. Wow! That means so much to me. I really do work hard at smiling and trying to make the world a happier place. I suppose if I was going to be remembered for something, that would be a good thing. So smile everyone and enjoy each moment of life you have. I see every moment as a learning experience. We can make those learning experiences enhance our life or pull us down. Why not choose to enhance our lives and make the world a happier, better place.

Painful Findings

Some things may never get easier. My accountant needs all I can round up from 2008. Amazingly I am doing a pretty good job at finding things among the 15+ boxes of Mike's business & personal paperwork. It is harder finding the 2008 stuff then it was the 1993 to 2007 stuff the accountant needed! The closer the dates came to the present, the more painful it is for me. Mike had two businesses out of our home. I had to come up with purchases, other expenses and payments for both businesses. After tearing the house apart, I finally found two check registers for the 2008 business account.
I went through and made an excel spreadsheet with auto mechanic credits and debits and accounting credits and debits and then miscellaneous ones that I felt should be considered on the return. It wasn't too bad to do but did take a lot of time.
As I was coming to the end of May in the register, everything got harder. You could see the work slowing down and the deposits fewer. Then I found the check written out for a ticket for not wearing his seat belt! He never told me about that one...maybe that is why he didn't get upset with me when I got my very first speeding ticket last year! The sad entry was for a single ticket to the movie theater. At least he went to the most expensive theater in town. That was not long after my nephew Michael moved out of the house and Mike was over in Redmond during the week alone.
But the hardest entry was one of the last ones. In the register it simply said:
June 27 - for a movie and my last meals
Yes, I cried. He talked to me two more times after that date and never said a word about how he was feeling. The very last transactions were deposits to Rachel and I. He wanted us to have access to money until things could be settled. It was so planned and I didn't see it.

Life Can Truly Be Amazing

The last two days I had the great opportunity to substitute teach health at our local high school. It just so happened the teacher had a video to show the first day and a guest speaker the second day. The video was powerful. It is call "Surviving High School." It pertained to how we treat each other and the consequences of that treatment. The end of the video dealt with teen suicide.

The second day the guest speaker was sick so I actually had the opportunity to teach!!! So we talked about the video. We discussed eating disorders, depression, hazing people, and suicide. It was a little difficult, but I felt I could really have an impact on these kids if I said the right thing. I am please to say that all 4 classes went well. After getting through all the depressing stuff I talked to them about the difference one person can make. How much a simple smile or "hi" can mean to someone. I felt good about the classes and really hoped that some of kids would get something out of it. As they left the class I challenged them to smile and say hi to someone today that they don't normally talk to. You never know what positive difference you might make in some one's life.

You always wonder if anything you say makes a difference and we seldom find out if it really does. After school a student ran into me and said, "You should be a motivational speaker! You really made some of these kids stop and think." Another one said, "My friends said you are their hero."

Wow, I wasn't expecting that. I would love to be a motivational speaker! How do you get involved with that one? I hope I did make a difference in their lives. Every morning we get up and decide if we are going to have a good day or bad day, if we are going to be happy or sad. Smile and make the world around you a better place. Enjoy what you have and don't fall into the trap of "I will be happy when."

By the way, if anyone has any ideas on how I can become a motivational speaker....let me know.

Life Goes On ....still

Well, life has been interesting! I am having some issues with the IRS that are just not adding up. It should wind up in my favor and their mess up, but in the mean time they have put me through the wringer. Anyway, I finally got through to the IRS advocate office and after looking over stuff, the lady felt the IRS made an error combining Mike's and my account. Nothing new on their part, just another screw up. Payments were filed under Mike's SSN the returns under my SSN and they didn't put the two together. Enough of that boring stuff. What I am writing about is the affect it all had on me.

This was one of the hardest things to deal with. I think I cried more this weekend then in a long time. Having to explain the circumstances to each person took my call, wore me out. I cried Friday afternoon when all these letters arrived saying I owed tons of money. I held back the tears at the Berry Manilow concert when he sang love songs, but later lost it in the car on the way home listening to the same songs. My health insurance runs out at the end of the month, bills are due, and I am behind on my checkbook balances! Life couldn't be more crazy.

This is when I hit a low and then have to listen to my own counsel. "Come what may and love it." It has been a trying weekend, but life really is good. I have my kids, family, shelter, and a great network of friends. I have been substituting in the schools, throwing away more junk and having fun with Rachel. I guess again, all the good out weighs the pain and frustration. So I am going to go eat lunch...at 3:00....and then pay some more bills. All is good. Life goes on and I am not going to let it go without me. ;-) "I am women hear me roar..."

Service Does Amazing Things

Life is always easier when you spend time helping others and get away from your own cares. It really does work. Rachel and I flew down to California for 48 hours to help my life long friend pack up her house. I was able to deal with packing things and throwing away things that she was having difficulty with because of memories. I would use phrases with her like, "come what may and love it," "just do it," "life goes on, so live it." It made me realize not only do I say these phrases but I do believe them.

I talked to a friend who is a counselor and he has commented several times to me about how he has seen women in my situation who have not be able to deal with the loss of their spouse for years, especially when suicide was involved. I am really not hard hearted. I just recognize that I have a future and I need to make the best of it. Dwelling on the past will get you no where fast. Believe me, I know a few people who do that and they are stuck there. That doesn't mean I don't think about it. Today while driving I kept having flashbacks to moments and conversations. Sometimes it makes you laugh and sometimes it makes you cry. Learning to cope with my situation doesn't necessarily make it easier. There have been many tough days and I am sure there will be many more, but I do work hard to be positive and more forward. It is work to focus on the good and stay positive. Sometimes I fall short and have to remind myself of what Tom Hanks said in two different movies; it was something about waking up each day and putting one foot in front of the other because you have to. (Watch "Sleepless in Seattle" and "Castaway")

To my young friend who is dealing with the loss of her dad, let me say, it does not get less painful, but it does get easier to deal with loss as time goes by. That doesn't mean you forget your loved one. Celebrate their life every chance you get. Choose to remember all the good they brought into the world. Share their life with others around you. Let their memory live on. Sometimes our Heavenly Father has a plan much bigger then we will ever understand. Trust Him. Take what you learn from your experience and help others who are suffering.