Earlier this year, my daughter wrote a beautiful post on Infertility and the difficulty it was to go through. It was an eye opener. So I took her format and wrote what it is like to be a widow. This Christmas season, take care of the widows in your life. It is a hard place to be and none of us asked for the title.

What does it mean to be a widow?
It is making decisions you thought you would never have to make
It is deciding if you want your name on a headstone yet
It is cooking for one
It is candle lite dinners alone
It is trying to figure out where you fit in
It is sitting home lonely because you don't want to be a burden to anyone
It is learning to live alone, for the first time in your life
It is holding yourself together for your children
It is learning to sing and smile again
It is filing paperwork to get what is rightfully yours
It is trying to make everyone happy with your decision
It is a ton of 'why me'
It is piling junk on the bed so the space next to you doesn't seem so empty
It is having the first year of difficult dates pass, when everyone else is over your loss in a week
It is not knowing what to do with your future
It is staying out late with your widow friends so you don't have to go home to an empty house
It is wishing couples wouldn't complain about being married
It is wanting to be surrounded by family during holidays so you won't feel so alone
It is wondering if your kids will call
It is being told not to talk to your friend's husband anymore because you are single
It is being forgotten when your church has a dance or party for couples
It is learning to kill the spiders, fix the electrical issues, and make your own home repairs
It is having a hole in your heart and life
It is not having someone to discuss politics rationally with anymore
It is not having someone's hand to hold when you need strength
It is holding your pet when there is no one to hold you
It is trying to feel love on Valentine's Day
It is hiding the pain of loneliness
It is not wanting to date because you can't ever replace your spouse
It is wanting to date so you don't have to live alone
It is not being invited out with your married friends anymore
It is going out to dinner alone
It is not having someone to kiss on New Year's Eve
It is wondering if you are a horrible person when you move on
It is deciding when to take off your wedding ring
It is depending on God for survival and to walk with you
It is finding out you have joined the Widows Club, a club you didn't want to join with a very high entry price paid

Life Has Been Busy, But Good

Maybe I am not getting on here as much because life is moving on and I have less to talk about... I doubt it, but I have been very busy. One thing I did last fall when I finally had access to all our accounts was to take a small stock and sell it. Good timing too! Anyway, I put that aside for fun money. I knew that this first year would be hard on me and my family. I wanted to be able to get away if we needed to especially at the holidays. Hence the Thanksgiving trip to Victoria Canada with all the kids and the Christmas trip to Hawaii with Jeffrey and Rachel. It also allowed me to go to California in March and help out a friend in need. Well the money is almost gone now but we did finish it off with one last trip! Some good friends were going to Disneyland and had a 4 bedroom condo, actually it was the presidential suite, and at the last minute asked us if we want to go. Two seconds later I had airline tickets to Orange County. My friends drove down and didn't tell their daughter we were coming. So when they got to the condo, we were already there. The surprise on their daughters face when she saw Rachel was priceless.

So I guess you could say for my late birthday present to myself, we went to Disneyland. We had a fun time there for 5 days and even went to see the Medieval Times dinner entertainment show complete with jousting. What a fun time. Now I will say that there were some very lonely times too. It isn't always fun to be the third wheel with the two teenagers. Most rides I was by myself and that was hard sometimes. I also know that I need to give the girls space. So I tried really hard to give them time alone. That often meant I was alone too. Those are the hard times. I will really have to think hard about what I want to do when Rachel graduates from high school. I am fine at the house for a day or two alone, but months..... Rachel says I am going to follow her to college. I think she will drag me with her! We are very close and I am thankful for that.

On another topic, my nephew Michael and I went to a single adult conference. I hadn't seen him since he came back from his second tour of duty in Iraq so it was really fun to be with him. As for attending single adult activities, well let's just say, weird. Last time I went to one was last August and I wasn't ready to really mingle. This time there were just not that many people worth mingling with! Those that were are not interested in me. So the dilemma remains, how do you meet good guys. After sitting though 6 songs at the dance, my nephew and I went into another room and played a game. I guess I am not ready to be the lead and go ask a guy to dance. Don't get me wrong, I love to dance. In fact, that is one reason why dances are so hard for me. Mike and I could dance. We could be out of sorts with each other and you get us on the dance floor and we looked and danced as if we were madly in love. It was always something we just clicked at.

One last interesting thing I did that is surprising to some people is I taught a class to adults on how to survive a death. I have learned so much on the paperwork side of things. My sister-in-law gave me a red folder file system the week Mike passed away and I used it to organize myself. It was a real life savor that I still refer to. So I taught about 12 people how to set it up and what is important to do and not to do in the event of a death. It was a very rewarding class to teach.

Bad news: As for the IRS, I am still in a mess with them after their screw up. It will take months to get this figured out.
Good news: after 11 months I have a buyer for my house. If all goes well, it will close on June 25 and I will be done with the Redmond home for good.
Bad news: it is selling for $100,000 less then it would have a 1 1/2 years ago when it should have been put on the market. Oh well.
Good news: It is a beautiful day and I am going to go out and mow the yard and be happy about it...