Intentional Teaching

As a teacher, I have been thinking a lot lately about what I taught my own children. Did I ever intentionally teach them something? Or did they learn from my actions which could have been good or bad? Did I assume they would just know something without ever giving them the information to learn? There are times I wish I could go back and do a better job at raising my children. They are wonderful, but I can’t take a lot of the credit for that.

When our children where from 3-5, I did a preschool program with them called Joy School. Joy School is a program started by Richard and Linda Eyre that gives you the information to teach lessons on the joy of service, the joy of creativity, the joy of spontaneous delight, the joy of trust, etc. There are a few things that I know I intentionally taught my children due to Joy School or because they were important enough in my mind to cover like my lesson on respecting personal property. (Ask me about that sometime. It was effective!)

There are also many things I did not teach well. Take the handling of money for example. It was common in our family to use phrases like ‘money burns a whole in your pocket’ or ‘we can’t afford that.’ Unfortunately we said those instead of teaching our children to make a plan of how to earn and save money so they could obtain something.  Another example of this would be gathering the family to make plans for a vacation and then shooting down the ideas because they cost too much. This teaches children a negative attitude toward money. I know for us as parents, we sometimes would have disagreements about money or have problems with the checkbook that were minor but appeared to be major to the listening child.

We may want our children to be reverent in church and expect it from them, but have we taught them what that looks like? Are we playing on our iPhone but expecting them to be quiet? I had a friend that taught her children by having reverent time at home. They would sit on a chair to see how long they could be quiet. The young ones started out with 10 seconds but got excited to try and go longer and do as well as their older siblings. When they went to church they knew what it felt like to sit reverently. If you give a child a car, to keep them 'quiet' at church, they will want to make varooom sounds, they are kids! 

Are we teaching values like kindness and sharing? Or do we wait until a fight breaks out? Are we teaching them how gossip hurts and lying just makes issues worse? Or do we wait until something happens then say ‘you are in trouble now for lying!’  Being a parent is hard work and not everything works with every child. Consistency is important.

It is also really important to look for teaching moments throughout the day, but it is also just as important to intentionally teach your children the things you feel will give them a great foundation. Don’t leave that to society, church, or schools or they may not turn out the way you planned. This applies to chores too. My mother would ask us to dust. I did what I thought was dusting and she would scold me and then do it herself. She was a great mom but never showed me how to dust. She never showed me how to cook either!  I was one of those kids that needed to be shown more than once, but she assumed I knew from watching her.  

Pick 10 concepts this year that you feel you want your children to really understand. Then take one a month and work on it with them. Find examples to point out, stories to read, and talk about the subject over dinner. Ask for examples your children saw during their day. Reinforce their behavior when they work on the concept.  

Intentionally teach; don’t just expect children to know something.

Sometimes A Good Cry Can Cleanse the Soul

Today I got on the treadmill and walk/jogged for 45 minutes...in tears.  I wish I could say it was from the pain of exercising but it was not. More like a mind overload or meltdown. Many things are on my mind. What am I doing with my life? Why does everyone let money run his or her lives? Why can't I sleep at night or focus in the daytime? Who am I, no really, what defines me?

I love music; loud, popular music.  I turn it up loud so I don't have to think. It sometimes keeps my mind occupied and off of thinking.  Other times it makes me think too much. I like my eyes and my hair. I hate how I look in pictures because of my weight but that is a never-ending battle. I can be happy with it; it just is not great for attracting guys! (I was smiling and laughing as I typed that) I am religious but often forget to practice what I truly believe.  I love being my own person and doing what I want but ironically I hate being alone.  I believe I would do whatever I could in my power to help a friend or family member.

Right now, my thoughts are focused on letting go of my youngest so she can move into her new marriage stage of life. A friend once told me that you raise them the best you can then let them go and pray they make good choices. I believe all of my children will do just fine.  It was exciting for me to let them go and watch them move into finding their own way. What I did not realize was how hard it would be with the last one. She is ready to move on and I am ready to let her go, but what I did not realize is what the next stage for me is? I am guessing this is when the nurturing mother starts putting more focus back on her husband. Therefore, that leaves me wondering what I am supposed to do.

The best answer I can come up with is get a job so I have a life! Not for the money, but for a life. This brings me back to the topic of "Why does everyone let money run his or her lives?"  If you do not have money, all you think about is what you could do if you had some. Some people will sacrifice everything to gain money. When you do have money, you can easily become a Scrooge so you do not lose it. Money can be "the root of all evil." My mom had $15,000 in cash hidden in her house for a rainy day. She showed me where it was just in case she died before she spent it. It was to go to her 3 children. Well she died before it rained and then her boyfriend took it all so none of it even went to her family like she planned.

Money is one of the things in this life we depend on for survival, but we cannot take with us when we die.  I look at my late husband and wonder what he worked so hard for. For me to live alone in a nice house. Yes, he worked to provide for the kids and me, but he missed so many recitals, plays, fairs, and vacations that I went on with the kids alone.  No one knows how much time he or she has on this earth and money is pointless beyond this life.  Make sure making money does not take over spending time with your family. Being alone has opened my eyes to how much money cannot buy. Maybe that is why I am so bad with budgets and saving money.  Mike did not live long enough to enjoy all his hard work. Is it wrong for me to spend it on my kids and enjoying life now?          
So through tears of confusion I push through my exercising on the treadmill. I am actually smiling and I am happy, but I can also be confused and lonely at the same time. It is life and I will make the best of it, through tears and smiles.

My wonderful family
(minus Marie who loves being behind the camera!)

Don't Give Up

One thing I hate the most about depression is how it not only mess up the person with it, but it can and usually does mess up the entire family. Due to my situation, I have had a lot of people talk to me about depression. I have had people suffering from depression as well as family members of those suffering talk to me. I am not an expert or a doctor but I know what I see and what I lived with.
I think that it should be mandatory for a patient suffering with depression to have a healthy person close to the patient designated to attend appointments with them. Patients don't seem to always give the doctor all the information, or they see the doctor on a day they are feeling a bit better. I think I could have given Mike's doctors better information on what was happening and how he sometimes acted. Mike didn't even realize some of the things he was doing, how on earth would he be able to tell a doctor what was going on?
Depression can get so bad for a person they truly don't think straight. All they see surrounds themselves. How the world would be better off without them, how no one really cares about them, or how their friends and family could get along much better without them. In all cases these are incorrect assumptions.
My husband truly felt we would be happier and survive just fine without him. The pain he was suffering was way more then what we would ever suffer with him gone. Some people might even see how well my family is doing and think that this might be true. But it is not. I have a 16 year old that cries when she thinks about the fact that her dad won't be here for her first date let alone her wedding. She has separation anxiety from me because she is afraid I will die and she will be left without a parent. Mike wasn't here to teach her to drive, help her with her math and won't be here to see his grandchildren. There is the pain that it causes my older daughter who suffers from the awful disease of depression. She has seen what it does and doesn't want that to happen to her. There is the scare for my two younger children wonder if they will ever have symptoms of it someday. So I have to be strong, I have to be stable and I have to be a constant study person in their lives.
I have always been a strong independent woman. So I do cope better then most. Mike also made sure that we wouldn't have to struggle too much financially. Most families who lose a loved one from death due to depression aren't as fortunate as I was financially. But who really cares about the money? I would rather have Mike alive then all the money in the world, but even he couldn't see that.
Our marriage wasn't perfect and some times there was a lot of distance between us, but at least we were there for each other most of the time. Now I am alone and I have never felt so lonely in my life. When a marriage is ended like this there is a void that we try to fill with our children, friends or work. I have done that well. My children mean the world to me and I would do anything for them, but there is still void. There is something about a partner that you can't replace with those things.
So no matter how much pain the sufferer of depression is in, it is a false assumption to think the lives of those around you will be better with you gone. A patient diagnosed with cancer will usually fight a hard battle, but for some reason a patient with depression will want to give up. Don't give up. Fight hard and keep looking until you find what will work for you. Don't wait until you are so down you can't hardly get up again. And most of all pray we find a cure. I know I am.

This Is Going To Be A Long Month...

At the end of this month it will be the one year anniversary of Mike's death. So I guess I should just expect that things will be a little crazy. For starters, I am learning that I don't know how to take care of a home! It took a week of trying different things to get the swamp cooler set right. I still can't get the motion light to work correctly and now the motor for the irrigation ditch is cracked because I didn't winterize it last fall. I just figured out the water softener! How do people survive without a handyman for a husband? It costs a small fortune to call someone in to fix things. The drain stop broke in my sink, how do you fix that???
The buyers almost backed out of buying the house in Redmond. That was scary, but I just kept praying. I guess until the 25th they still could back out. It is killing me to pay the mortgage, lawn care, and staging for that house until it sells. Now the kids are telling me the house in Utah has a leek around the toilet (flashback of the hole in my ceiling for 8 years from the last toilet leak) and the rain gutters are missing on part of the house. People actually enjoy owning real estate?
Tuesday was a really bad day, everything seemed off. I can't even remember what happened! The IRS stuff is still hanging over my head. It seems like everything is just nuts right now. I even lost it on the phone with my daughter......again. About 95% of the time I can brush it all off and smile but this week has been a tough one. I can only imagine over the next few weeks it will get harder.
As to not depress anyone, let me end on a happier note. I hit the jackpot at an estate sale!!! The lady was a true shopaholic. Seriously. She bought clothes and never wore them. Some were mail order clothes still in the packages. She even bought the same thing in 4 different sizes. They were all brand new with the tags still on. It was like a small boutique on someones front lawn! They totalled up the lowest price on the tag and then took off 80%! So I bought $415 worth of NEW skirts, dresses and tops for $80. So I just got a new wardrobe for $80!!! The $415 was the lowest price on the tags. Some of the items were originally $40 marked down to $20 that I paid $4 for So I guess her curse was my blessing. If I am not careful I may shop myself through this month!

Working Through the Holidays

Well the month of December has been interesting. I have tired to keep busy and not think about what we used to do for the holidays. This year no one wanted to be home. It was time to start new traditions or just do something different. So I planned a Hawaiian Cruise. It has been a great get away. Just Jeffrey, Rachel and I are here in Hawaii. The problem is Rachel is freaking out every time we spend money and that it is starting to make me meserible. I am a positive person, but with that environment around you, it can really drag you down. I wish she could be happy and less stressed about everything.
Anyway, we are having fun most of the time. It is a nice get away, but also hard. Most people are with spouses. I feel like people look at me and the kids and asume I am divorced. And of course we are in beautiful Hawaii and I feel like a misfit next to all the cute skinny tan girls. Speaking of which, I go to the gym almost daily, I had a personal trainer set up a program just for me and I feel really good, but I still look the same. What is with that! I know, I know, it takes time. But people see someone overweight and make judgements. They don't know where they have been or how far they have come. For me it is the fact that I have to do twice as much and work twice as hard just to get the same results the average person gets. Stupid.
Okay, off that thought. The holidays are lonely. There are times I just want to cry but don't because people are around. I don't think my kids understand just how hard all of this has been for me. Everyone tends to worry about themselves. I stay busy taking care of the kids and don't always take care of myself. Nuts, just plain nuts. Mike and I were supposed to do this cruise on our 25th anniversary but we didn't have the money. So now I am here as a single adult with my kids. Sadly different, but I love my kids and I love spending time with them. We do have lots of laughs and most the time things are good. It is just when money is involved, it sends Rachel over the edge. I should be writing about all the cool and fun things we are doing on and off the ship, but I am just a bit down tonight. Oh well, part of it is thinking about my grandson and how lonely the house will be when we get back since they are moving to Utah right now. Time to go back to the cabin and put on a positive face. I hope all those out there enjoying my thoughts have a wonderful Christmas and holiday.