Opportunities to Teach

I am amazed how opportunities still come my way to use our family's trials to teach and help others. In July, I was given the opportunity to teach a lesson to the women of our church congregation. The topic "Finding Joy in the Journey." Before talking about joy I talked about depression and how hard it is for some to find joy.

Of course I was prompted by the lessons learned through my experiences with my late husband Mike. I printed a list of places people can go for help and wonderful resources. I had a handout on the 9 basic types of depression and some of their sub types. Of course being the teacher, I learned the most. I wasn't quite ready for the positive responses I received over the three weeks after the lesson.

I have learned that sharing our personal hardships, help us to see each other as the humans we are. We tend to think everyone is perfect while we struggle and that is not the case. I am glad that I was guided to say the things that these women needed to hear. Even more surprising to me was being asked to share the lesson again but this time with the men of our congregation.

I feel strongly about keeping the men and women separate because they might open up more and ask questions with less hesitation. Eventually a mixed group would be the next step. I am so glad that our church is talking more about depression. My late husband said it would be a plague of the last days that would affect the righteous as well as the wicked. Eight years ago before his death it was still a secret killer that no one really liked to talk about.

So today I taught the men. I started by sharing the wonderful and normal things about Mike. Then I talked about his secret dark side that was sometimes even hard for me to deal with. One in four suffer from some type of mental illness. That meant that out of the 50+ men there at least 1/4 dealt with or will deal with depression themselves or within their family. This will touch all of us. Different types of depression need different things. Some just need talk therapy and some types need medications. Men, don't be afraid to ask for help and keep a loving eye out for your spouses too.

One of the men asked, "if your husband was always praying, serving, and reading his scriptures plus getting the medical help he needed, what else could you have done to save him?"  Good question. So here are some tools that might help:

• Eat healthy and less sugar
• Exercise daily and that means a good hard aerobic heart elevating exercise at least 5 times a week
• Spend some time outdoors in the fresh air
• Try and go to bed at normal times and get a good nights sleep
• Deep breathing and meditation
• Spend time with family, don't go into isolation

My oldest daughter who suffers from depression wrote this:

"Make a working list of little things that bring a smile to your face. Little things that warm your heart. I say working list because it will change over time. My list started with a hot cocoa and pumpkin scone from Starbucks. It also included specific songs and little interactions with my son. Over time I realized the most important thing to me in life, as well as the thing that brings me the most happiness and joy, is family. 

I encourage all of us to look inside ourselves and ask, what are some things that make me smile? What are some things that bring me joy? It doesn't matter how small or big they are. Write them down and the next time your're feeling down take that list out and try one or two of those things. One of my all-time favorite quotes from Gordon B. Hinckley says, "Life is to be enjoyed, not just endured."

Next post: a list of helpful articles and places to go to for help.

Intentional Teaching

As a teacher, I have been thinking a lot lately about what I taught my own children. Did I ever intentionally teach them something? Or did they learn from my actions which could have been good or bad? Did I assume they would just know something without ever giving them the information to learn? There are times I wish I could go back and do a better job at raising my children. They are wonderful, but I can’t take a lot of the credit for that.

When our children where from 3-5, I did a preschool program with them called Joy School. Joy School is a program started by Richard and Linda Eyre that gives you the information to teach lessons on the joy of service, the joy of creativity, the joy of spontaneous delight, the joy of trust, etc. There are a few things that I know I intentionally taught my children due to Joy School or because they were important enough in my mind to cover like my lesson on respecting personal property. (Ask me about that sometime. It was effective!)

There are also many things I did not teach well. Take the handling of money for example. It was common in our family to use phrases like ‘money burns a whole in your pocket’ or ‘we can’t afford that.’ Unfortunately we said those instead of teaching our children to make a plan of how to earn and save money so they could obtain something.  Another example of this would be gathering the family to make plans for a vacation and then shooting down the ideas because they cost too much. This teaches children a negative attitude toward money. I know for us as parents, we sometimes would have disagreements about money or have problems with the checkbook that were minor but appeared to be major to the listening child.

We may want our children to be reverent in church and expect it from them, but have we taught them what that looks like? Are we playing on our iPhone but expecting them to be quiet? I had a friend that taught her children by having reverent time at home. They would sit on a chair to see how long they could be quiet. The young ones started out with 10 seconds but got excited to try and go longer and do as well as their older siblings. When they went to church they knew what it felt like to sit reverently. If you give a child a car, to keep them 'quiet' at church, they will want to make varooom sounds, they are kids! 

Are we teaching values like kindness and sharing? Or do we wait until a fight breaks out? Are we teaching them how gossip hurts and lying just makes issues worse? Or do we wait until something happens then say ‘you are in trouble now for lying!’  Being a parent is hard work and not everything works with every child. Consistency is important.

It is also really important to look for teaching moments throughout the day, but it is also just as important to intentionally teach your children the things you feel will give them a great foundation. Don’t leave that to society, church, or schools or they may not turn out the way you planned. This applies to chores too. My mother would ask us to dust. I did what I thought was dusting and she would scold me and then do it herself. She was a great mom but never showed me how to dust. She never showed me how to cook either!  I was one of those kids that needed to be shown more than once, but she assumed I knew from watching her.  

Pick 10 concepts this year that you feel you want your children to really understand. Then take one a month and work on it with them. Find examples to point out, stories to read, and talk about the subject over dinner. Ask for examples your children saw during their day. Reinforce their behavior when they work on the concept.  

Intentionally teach; don’t just expect children to know something.

Come Check Out My New Blog "The Happiness Choice"

I need followers on my new site! If you followed me here, check out the new site and follow it. I try and get a few posts up a month on learning to make healthy, happy choices in eating, exercise, and life. I will be sharing some of the new recipes I am trying and other fun things. Check it out:

http://chosinghappiness.blogspot.com/  (and yes it say chosing not choosing because that was all I could get.)

Also check out and share my daughter's blog on her journey with infertility and now having twins!

http://littleivielane.blogspot.com/

Time To Move On From Mike's Dream To My Dreams

Mike was raised on a farm in the small town of Warden Washington. He loved the small town life. He always dreamed of moving the family out of the city and back to the country. When the opportunity came to move to Sequim Washington, he was excited. His dream was to build an auto shop on our property. "Mike's Right Auto Repair." He always believed in doing things the right way and the honest way. Honesty and integrity where very important to him.
He was never able to fill this dream and never made the move to Sequim with us. Rachel and I decided to stay in Sequim after his death. It was the best decision for Rachel and blessed her with so many opportunities and growth. After she left for college, it was a bit lonely here for me. I still had wonderful youth that would visit and join me for movie nights. In the summer, I would go to Utah to live near my married children then come back for the school year to substitute teach. I never really thought of leaving Sequim but was very lonely here.
This year when I returned home, I felt lost. It wasn't home anymore. I had no reason to be here. This was Mike's dream. What was mine? It didn't take me long to realize I needed to be near my children and grandchildren. This decision to move has been scary and filled with challenges. The market is bad and I will lose on the sale of my home from what I purchased it at. The economy is bad and moving may be crazy right now. I will have a mortgage on my new house until the one in Sequim sells and on a substitute salary, that is scary.  With all the doubts and fears, I know it is the right thing to do. I know the Lord is guiding me and leading the way. "Come what may, and love it," will continue to be my motto for life.
I will be leaving behind family and friends that have carried me though life over the last 5 years. It will be hard, but I know it is time to find my dream and live it and I know my dream will only be complete surrounded by my children and their families whom I truly love. So good-bye Sequim, good-bye Washington; it is time for me to find my dream and live it.

What Legacy Are You Leaving For Your Posterity?

It's Pioneer Day in Utah. I can't help but think about my amazing ancestry and the sacrifices they made for me to be who I am and where I am.  I am thankful for my ancestors who fought for freedom in the Revolutionary & Civil War. I am thankful for strong women who came to this country, with children in tow, to start over. I am thankful to my pioneer ancestors who left the comforts of back east and other countries, to come out to Utah, California and Washington. I have an amazing heritage of strong, hard working, honest, people who have shaped my life. I am who I am because of them. I love reading their stories and learning about the life's they led. I find myself very blessed to be a part of my heritage.

So what can I do with this heritage now? How can I make a difference in the world because of who I am and who they where?

I guess the best start is to learn more about them. Go visit the places they passed through. I had the opportunity to go to Danmark this year where my Christophersen heritage is from. On the dock in Kopenhagen, there is a statue of a young girl who was leaving her homeland to head to America for religious purposes. The cobble stone along the dock has the names of other countrymen who left for the same reason. The name of my great great grandmother is there somewhere. I even have a history of their voyage and her strength. She moved with 4 small children and against all odds.

There is also my Willis line that moved west in the great migration because they were driven from their homes in the dead of winter by people who just didn't understand them. The stories of what they went through and the opposition they faced is moving. They had to farm land that wasn't irrigated, bury family members in shallow graves alone the trail, and endure invasions from Indians and Mexico.  In some ways, our lives are very easy.

I can't even imagine packing up 9 kids and all your belongings into a car and moving from New Hampshire to Washington State like my great grandparents did in 1905. Leaving a married daughter behind knowing that changes were they would never see her again. There is also the Firebaugh side of the family that left the Shenandoah Valley to move to California and start the first ferry across the San Joaquin River. And also the confusing and murderous controversy of the San Francisco Embarcadero that my family has claimed to have once owned.

To learn about my ancestry is exciting and intriguing. They have shaped who I am. Now it is my turn to make a mark in the world. What will I be remembered for? What stories will I write and leave behind? Or will I be forgotten in time? I love watch "Who Do You Think You Are?" and "The Story Trek." Both shows tell what impacts people can have on us and that we all have a story.

I hope I will be remembered for my smile, my integrity and my honesty. My ability to move forward as they did when all looked dark and lost. I hope I am being generous and kind to those I deal with and that I am seeing them as the wonderful people they are. When we look at people or other countries we tend to look for what is wrong. I hope I can be remembered for looking at what is right.

One Person's Example Can Last A Lifetime

Have you ever known someone who had an impact on your life in so many ways that you are still realizing it? My father was one of those people. He lived through the depression as a kid often eating just milk and flour, he was beaten by his father and he left home as a young teenager. His only son died after a few hours of life and then his first wife, Carol, left him. Before dad could get all of his stuff from her, Carol's father used my dad's gun to kill himself. In WWII, my dad found himself in a military hospital where an unnecessary surgery was preformed on him causing him to lose one of his lungs. He was considered 80% disabled after that.

He had several things happen in his life that he could have chosen to be bitter and angry about. But I never saw that. He was a quiet, calm, happy person. Most of the above events I didn’t even hear about until after he died. He chose not to dwell on them. It was his sister that told me a lot about his hard life.

When I was in junior high and high school, I ran for different offices & cheerleader. I lost for 4 years straight before I won anything.  My dad was the one who taught me to keep trying, to never give up, and be happy for the winner.  He always told me I could do anything, and I believed him. He spent time with me building remote control boats, riding dirt bikes, going on motorcycle poker runs and teaching me to fix things.

All the little things in life that he helped me work through made a huge difference on how I handle all the big things that happen as an adult. When I was faced with the hard times, I worked though them because of what my dad taught me and because of his example. He was a man who easily could have been angry but chose to be happy. It wasn’t until last week that I realized I am who I am because of his example. I choose happiness at difficult times because he taught me to. I owe my dad a lot. Thanks dad, I miss you.

Dedicated to Keith Howard Christophersen 

May 9, 1919 to Nov 9, 1982 

Life Is Good

So a lot has happened in a few months time! I enjoyed another trip to Hawaii to pick up Rachel from college before Christmas. She vowed it would be my cheapest trip ever and fed me at the campus cafeteria and housed me. Good times. It was fun to meet all her friends and to see her in action working at the Polynesian Cultural Center. Rachel, Chris and I hiked to Makapuu Lighthouse and then Rachel and I later did a hike to the look out on top of Diamond Head. We also had a great time snorkeling at Hanauma Bay. I think the only things I paid for was the flight, rental car, and eating out a few times!

We arrived home and Christmas was upon us. I had so much fun with all of my immediate family home for 2 weeks. We laughed so much playing games and watching movies. It was good to get to know Jeffrey's wife Elaine better and to spend time with my grandson. We had our annual cookie day with a twist...we skyped Chris Ivie and his family and made cookies together. That was like doing a cooking show over the internet! Christmas was a wonderful family time. Jeffrey called after they returned home and said he felt a bit home sick...that actually warms my heart to know he had so much fun he was a bit homesick. It was great to have Chris surprise Rachel and join us for New Years, but you can read that fun story at Rachel's blog: "Fireworks"

The answer to his proposal

Ethan with Santa's cookies and Rudolph's onion

One of our marathon game nights!

After all the excitement and 8 four hour round trips to the airport, everyone went home but Ethan. Ethan and I had a blast playing together for the week. He is so much fun. When the week ended it was time to drive him home to Utah. What a fun week that was too! My friend Christy drove with me so I wouldn't be alone. We spent the time down there running around planning Rachel's wedding and reception. (you must read her blog above!) It was great.  By the time we were ready to head home we were dodging snow storms but we made it. There was one scary moment when I had to guide Christy, who was driving, by the snow measurement poles on the side of the road. That was heading into Pendleton where the ice storm was hitting and we stopped for the night.

Now I am home and trying to get back on top of everything, but I had to stop and be thankful for all I have. My wonderful children and their spouses. My fun grandson who broke my heart when I told him I was leaving to go home and he said, "Don't you love me anymore?" My dear friends who love me even with my short comings, the wonderful youth in Sequim, and my wonderful caring co-workers at the school, have all left me a better person. May this New Year bring the joy of peace and happiness into your lives no matter the challenges life throws at you. Keep smiling, I know I will be.

It Will Not Happen In My Family Again!

Things I have learned:

• I will not allow the disease of depression to take another family member without putting up a major fight.
• No one has ever been in the exact situation I am in so thanks for the advice, but honestly you don't know what is best, I do. I do appreciate suggestions, advice, talking and stuff, but I don't have to follow it. Right now I am in control, I do know what I am doing, and I am thinking clearly and in the best interest of my family.
  
• No doctor is going to shut me down and not listen. I proved that this weekend and they actually thanked me after they listened. They could also tell that I knew what I was talking about and that I am capable of dealing with the current situation.
  

Having said all that, I better explain where those comments are coming from. My daughter Marie also suffers from depression. Although hers is very different from my husband, it is also the same. Where Mike would surround himself with positive things, service and good music, Marie has always surrounded herself with depressing music and negative things.

Her medicine was changed in September and never worked. So she was hitting a major low. I talked her into going back to her doctor last week and he gave her a new prescription but she never filled it. I called her most mornings to make sure she was up and taking care of Ethan. Her life revolves around Ethan right now so she was doing the best she could. I bought the house she lives in and made sure Jeffrey moved in downstairs to keep tabs on things when Chris is gone. I have had a plan from the day Marie moved to Utah.
Jeffrey came home Saturday night to find Marie unconscious on the kitchen floor from taking too many sleeping pills. She did not want to die; she just wanted to sleep away the pain. Now some people may say, "what was she thinking." May I correct you, she wasn't thinking. If I have learned one thing about this disease, it keeps the mind captive from thinking. Consequences of your actions is not part of their thought process. The pain she was talking about was not physical it is mental and when your meds are not working you cannot see a light at the end of the tunnel.
Jeffrey called 911 and Marie was taken to the hospital. This was my first encounter with doctors because Marie wasn't conscious to sign a form allowing information to be released to me. They did finally listen to my information even though they couldn't give me info. Naturally it helped them. I had to deal with flights, Red Cross, getting info to her husband in Iraq, etc.
Marie is fine and stable and is being treated in a psychiatric ward. This is a good thing. I put Mike through hospitalization once and it was very helpful. I did a 24 hour flight there and home. I got to see her and she will pull though this. She feels ashamed and stupid, but like I said she was not thinking. I brought Ethan back with me so he can be taken care of. I have ALWAYS had a major problem with child protective services (what a joke) so I told Jeffrey that until I got there if anyone showed up they needed a search warrant to step in my house! So Ethan is with me and having fun. He loves it here with the big yard and dog. He gets to talk to his mommy by phone daily. When Marie is released, she will be living under my care. We will have a controlled environment for her. Part of that will be designed to teach her to take better care of herself and Ethan.
What I have learned from the last few years is that I have an amazing network of friends. I am thankful for all your prayers and love. I am thankful for those who thought for me when I was foggy. Thanks for the rides, packing, talking, food, prayers, and for being a part of my life.

Traveling and Seeing Family

As summer winds down we are almost done with the last of our summer trips. It has been fun to see all the kids together. Ethan is so adorable. He learned that if he puts something on his Jack-in-the-Box that it flies across the room when it pops! He is such a good little guy most of the time. He is ALWAYS saying, "thank-you!" I love getting up with him in the morning and just snuggling. He loves to sit and snuggle in the mornings. He is missing daddy now that Chris is off serving our country for the next year. But they get phone time in. Ethan loves to use mommy's phone and often calls me without her knowing! I just hear all this gibberish stuff on the other end and know it is my grandson wanting to talk.
Marie and Ethan will be staying with us for a few weeks in Washington and that will be fun.
While in Utah visiting I was able to see a lot of friends and family. We are having a Sunday dinner with two of my cousins and their families I haven't seen in years plus my uncle Jack. Jack is so much like my dad; I just love when I get to see him.
We are doing the zoo and Lagoon with friends and I am going to lunch with a group of old friends from Kirkland that have all moved down here. So we have been busy. Lots of back to school shopping too. That is something we never really did in the past.
I also had a great time chatting with a good friend about life and "the law of attraction." Attracting good or bad things to our lives not necessarily an attraction of a person. Something that has caused me to do a lot of thinking. He is at a place in his life where he gets to redefine who he is and what he wants to do in life. Amazingly, I really relate to that. It has caused me to really think about what I want in my future and what I still want to do with my life. Lots to ponder about. What do I want? Lots to think about.

Count Down to the One Year Mark

So like always I have been keeping myself busy, but then I have to deal with reality. I had a wonderful weekend in Redmond with all my kids. Jeffrey, Marie and baby Ethan flew in for my girlfriend's daughter's wedding. The bride also happens to be one of Jeffery's best buddies from high school. Rachel was a junior bridesmaid in the wedding at Mary Queen of Peace and it was beautiful. Rachel was beautiful too! I was able to see a lot of co-workers and friends.
Like always, spending time with my kids was a blast but ended too soon. After taking them to the airport Sunday, I had to go over to our old house to make sure things were ready for the sale and closing on Thursday. Rachel didn't want to go so I dropped her off at a friends. Somewhat of a bad move because I now had to go over there alone, again and for the last time.
As I finished up the things I had to do at the house, I finally sat on the steps and cried. Cried over all the wonderful memories of raising my kids in that house, cried that I had to let it go, and cried over how it all ended there. As I had walked through each room, a memory came to me. . . some good, some bad. The laughter of Rachel (4) and Jeffrey (10) racing to the bathroom and Rachel winning because she bit Jeffrey on the butt. The joy and excitement when we told Marie & Jeffrey we were having another baby. The fun times of teenagers sitting on the leather couch taking and laughing (the kids won't let me sell that couch!) The images of the kids waiting at the top of the stairs every Christmas until we said they could come down. The exciting themed birthday parties we use to have. How we could always find Mike asleep on a heater vent and even once in the garage under a car! So many memories after 18 years there. When Rachel's first hamster died Mike, Rachel and I all climb into our big king size bed and just held each other and cried. Mike always took it hard when an animal died. He was there alone when he had to deal with putting Marie's cat of 15 years down. He called Marie from the vet and let her talk to Katy and then stayed in the room while they put her to sleep. He was always tender with the animals even though he would complain about their hair and messes.
We have a fun series of pictures on the leather couch as the kids were growing up. In fact I have
lots of pictures. Almost 15 albums worth of pictures! It is still a little hard for me to look at the old family pictures but time will change that. I am trying not to count down to the one year mark, but it is hard. I would be lying if I said I was not looking back and reflecting on things and wondering a bit. I try not to stay there too long. I think what is hardest right now, is that I keep trying to imagine what was going through his head that last week a year ago. It is strange though, how I have never felt Mike's presence around, not even there at the old house.

Avoiding my blog....what is with that?

I have kind of been avoiding my blog and I am not sure why. Maybe I have nothing to say...wow. The rest of our holiday in Utah was a blast. I got to see a lot of wonderful people and think a lot about the 'good old days.' I especially enjoyed reminiscing with Rick; good times. Thanks for being you. I also can't believe how long Connie and I sat and talked! What good memories. I also had fun on what I could say was my first date as a widow. Details? No I'd like to keep that somewhat private for now.

The last of our stay we just visited with family. It was great to see Uncle Jack and Janene. Uncle Jack reminds me so much of my dad. I felt bad because I missed seeing my cousin due to my own stupidity. Just plan forgot to check my e-mail until it was too late. I loved playing with my grandson and I miss him tons and tons.

Anyway, we are back home and lots of fun things going on. Rachel got her braces off, received her license, and had a big late birthday bash with her friends. Now it is time to get back down to work. I spent some time cleaning out the garage, but I can only do so much then I need a break. Going through old stuff is hard. Sometimes I think I throw things away just to get the memories to move on. No news from the IRS. I guess that is good. No news on the sale of the Redmond house. I guess that is bad. If there is one thing anyone reading this could do for our family right now, I would say pray that the house in Redmond sells quickly before I have to drop the price again. If I have to drop the price of the house, I will not get out of it what I have had to put into it for selling. I just need to be free of it. Our family is going to pray and fast on Thursday, anyone is welcome to pray with us. I have had a lot of miracles this last year and I feel bad asking for another, but I need one more.