Bad Day = Change Attitude

I try to teach people to smile and find happiness in whatever life throws at them.  Lately several people have alluded to the fact that they think I do not understand what is thrown at them or that I never have a bad day. Today was one of those days everything went wrong, and I just wanted to cry and give up. That is still one of my choices. 

I went to check on my pump for my sprinkler system. A company has been working on it for 1 1/2 years and it keeps breaking down. Well, they still have not fixed it. You can tell they come and look at it, but it is still torn apart. Then my one-year-old riding lawnmower broke down as I started to mow the yard.  It is no longer under warranty. I am leaving next week for the summer and I am trying to get everything ready for the new occupant of my home. 

I sat on the ground by the lawnmower and wanted to cry. I am tired of always having to do this on my own.  I looked at the mower and felt helpless. Then I thought about what I teach. Smile; find the lesson. At first, I did not want to. I wanted to cry. For some reason I thought of my dad. He always taught me I could do anything. He was always my biggest fan.  Having all daughters, he taught me to fix stereos, work on my car, build remote control boats, and ride a motorcycle.  I think he was the biggest influence on me having a positive attitude. He had been through so much throughout his life and I never heard him complain.  

I got the tools, checked closely how the lawnmower was built, tore apart what needed fixed and fixed it and put it back together. The good news is it worked and I was able to mow the lawn. Some days it is very lonely here but I still have control over how I am going to deal with it. I started out feeling sorry for myself and wanting to cry, I ended up reminiscing about my dad and finding the confidence to go on.

I will still teach that we have the power to decide how we will react. Sometimes, like today, it just takes longer to react in the positive way. I never said I was perfect. It takes a lifetime to sculpt yourself into the person you really want to be.

Don't Tell Me I Don't Understand . . .

You know what I don't like? When someone tells you that you don't understand. Understand what? Pain? Frustration? Anger? Loneliness? Do people think they have a corner on the market because they have a symptom to more of a degree then others? Those of us that are old get told by the younger generation, "you don't understand, you're too old, things were different for you." Or we are told by someone who is chronically sick, "you don't know what it is like to suffer on a daily basis." Maybe not from their same aliment, but I think we have all suffered pain, sickness, disappointment, loneliness, heartache, etc.
I know what it is like to try and be strong for everyone else around you. Because I have the ability to see beyond a challenge or trying moment doesn't mean I don't have them. It doesn't mean I don't get down and lose a little faith every now and then.
Pain, well I feel that emotionally everyday when people talk about their husband's and father's and I don't have that anymore. Pain, to move and walk some days because of an aging body and the aliments of an awful car accident. Frustration that I don't know how to take care of this house and yard. Frustration that I don't have all the answers for my kids. Angry that I am in a situation I didn't choose to be in. Angry at myself for not doing the things I know I should be. Angry for 27 years of a marriage with very few, "I love yous" and now none. Lonely when I am home by myself knowing that someday it could be like this every night.
I may not have been in the same exact situation as someone else, but don't tell me I don't understand emotions. Most all of us do. They can teach us love and compassion for others. They can help us become stronger and more helpful to others. Some days can be really hard and the thought crosses our mind, "why me?" At the end of the day I try to smile and think to myself, "I guess I would rather it be me going through this then someone I love." Even with all the stuff I have to deal with, I would gladly take on the burdens of someone I love if it would easy their pain. So don't tell people they don't understand. Express your feelings and let others help you. They may have more wisdom to give you to help you get through then you could ever imagine. And when talking doesn't help, hugs usually do.

"Never let a problem to be solved become more important then a person to be loved." Henry B. Erying

The Good and the Bad

It is late at night and I haven't been on here in awhile. We have had a busy month with the school production of Beauty and the Beast. This was my second year as the house manager and pre-ticket sale person. When you have 6 shows and can seat 600 people a show, that is a busy job! We only had two nights that seating was down to the last few seats, so it wasn't as bad as last year.
I have also been working a lot. The past two weeks I haven't worked because I got a bad cough after working in attendance where all the sick kids come use my phone!!! I can't remember if I mentioned that I received my life time substitute teaching certificate. It is good for K-12th grade. So I had the fun opportunity to teach high school history for 3 days in a row. It was fun because Rachel was in one of my classes! The first day the kids got a little crazy (normal for how they act with a sub) so on the second day Rachel was gone for the first part of class. When she walked in they were quiet and respectful. She was shocked so when we got home she asked me what I did to change the kids. Well, I believe in a little bribery, so I told them I would bring them all brownies for my birthday on the third day if they were good. That meant brownies for 150 kids or 5 classes worth! But I made them all and it was fun. The main reason they were good though is because I told them I didn't have to be there. I told them I didn't have to work but I did because I enjoyed the kids. I am a laid back sub and we can have a lot of fun together but they have to be respectful and no swearing. If not, I won't come back. They all said I was the best sub ever and they wanted me back so they would be good. Wow, that was easy!!!
So let me go back to my birthday. Worked all day and ate brownies with the kids. Rachel and I were planning to go to Applebees for dinner, but she wanted to take a friend so it wouldn't be so boring... so I spent my birthday dinner with 5 teenagers at Applebees! It was really fun. One of the kids asked the waitress to cut my food into little pieces because I was OLD now. Fun times. I had a blond moment when she brought me a little red sculptured balloon and I said, "ah, what a cute tomato." Everyone stared at me blankly then in unison said, "It is an Apple...Applebees..." So I felt my old age of 50 and wondered if my mind was going. I did receive flowers from a few people and that was wonderful. I love flowers.
There were also a few tough moments in the last few weeks. I have always said that my marriage contract said I did the inside of the house and Mike did the outside. It was kind of a joke between us. Well now I have to do the outside too. Most weeks from April to October, I have to mow the lawn twice a week. That is two acres of grass to mow with the sit down mower, then weed wack, then mow certain areas with the push mower. As you can imagine it takes me about 3-4 hours each time. Most of the time I don't mind it, but last week was awful. The grass had managed to grow 4-5 inches before I could cut it. It had rained whenever I had time to cut it so it just grew. When I finally had a chance to mow, it was still damp in some areas and very windy. I didn't finish until 8:30pm and the sit down mower kept jamming and sliding all over from damp grass. I was so mad. With the lawn mower being loud and no one living near us, I took this opportunity to scream, cry and complain about how mad I was that Mike would leave this for me to deal with. Sounds weird but I guess I temporarily lost it. It actually felt good to be upset for a brief time. At least there was a release of emotion. Marie called that night to complain about something and I snapped, "it is my turn to have a bad day, I don't want to hear about yours!" I don't normally get that way so I am sure it surprised her.
I also finally talked to someone about getting a headstone for Mike. It has almost taken me a year to do this. Crazy but I haven't wanted to deal with it.

Negitive List VS the Positive List

Another week has gone by and I don't know what I did with it! Chris came home from his 6 month Army training and is with us now. They will stay until Christmas. I will cherish the time I have left with my little grandson. He is son darn cute. Chris' parents came up for the weekend and we had fun celebrating Ethan's 1st birthday. Lots of food and fun times!
Rachel and I went to Redmond on Monday night. Tuesday I had a great time at lunch with my old FLC co-workers. (and no that doesn't mean they are OLD!) I mentioned something to them that I have learned. We all have a mental list of all the things we don't like or that drive us crazy about our spouse or even a friend. I call it the negative list. There is also a list of all the things we love about them. We as a people, tend to dwell too much on the negative list. The things that drive us crazy or that we hate. We need to be more positive and dwell on the good list. It makes life much more enjoyable. If you dwell on the negative list you can become bitter, angry and cynical. It just isn't healthy and it rips apart relationships.

I am convinced that daily enticements are placed in front of us to help us grow and see what we will choose. Will we choose best or better, anger or happiness, the good list or the negative list. I see people making these choices all the time. When you are driving and someone cuts you off. Do you get angry at the person or do say a pray for the person who seems to be having a bad day driving? When a child spills milk all over the floor, do you get mad and criticize the child or can you laugh and say oh well accidents happen. I have been working on the positive side of things for years. Sometimes I am better at it then at other times, but I can promise this: If you work on being positive, gentle, loving and forgiving, you will become a better person. The world needs more people who are tolerant, patient, loving and forgiving. One person can make a difference but if a lot of us try this, I believe we can change the world one life at a time. Start with yours, I am.