Count Down to the One Year Mark

So like always I have been keeping myself busy, but then I have to deal with reality. I had a wonderful weekend in Redmond with all my kids. Jeffrey, Marie and baby Ethan flew in for my girlfriend's daughter's wedding. The bride also happens to be one of Jeffery's best buddies from high school. Rachel was a junior bridesmaid in the wedding at Mary Queen of Peace and it was beautiful. Rachel was beautiful too! I was able to see a lot of co-workers and friends.
Like always, spending time with my kids was a blast but ended too soon. After taking them to the airport Sunday, I had to go over to our old house to make sure things were ready for the sale and closing on Thursday. Rachel didn't want to go so I dropped her off at a friends. Somewhat of a bad move because I now had to go over there alone, again and for the last time.
As I finished up the things I had to do at the house, I finally sat on the steps and cried. Cried over all the wonderful memories of raising my kids in that house, cried that I had to let it go, and cried over how it all ended there. As I had walked through each room, a memory came to me. . . some good, some bad. The laughter of Rachel (4) and Jeffrey (10) racing to the bathroom and Rachel winning because she bit Jeffrey on the butt. The joy and excitement when we told Marie & Jeffrey we were having another baby. The fun times of teenagers sitting on the leather couch taking and laughing (the kids won't let me sell that couch!) The images of the kids waiting at the top of the stairs every Christmas until we said they could come down. The exciting themed birthday parties we use to have. How we could always find Mike asleep on a heater vent and even once in the garage under a car! So many memories after 18 years there. When Rachel's first hamster died Mike, Rachel and I all climb into our big king size bed and just held each other and cried. Mike always took it hard when an animal died. He was there alone when he had to deal with putting Marie's cat of 15 years down. He called Marie from the vet and let her talk to Katy and then stayed in the room while they put her to sleep. He was always tender with the animals even though he would complain about their hair and messes.
We have a fun series of pictures on the leather couch as the kids were growing up. In fact I have
lots of pictures. Almost 15 albums worth of pictures! It is still a little hard for me to look at the old family pictures but time will change that. I am trying not to count down to the one year mark, but it is hard. I would be lying if I said I was not looking back and reflecting on things and wondering a bit. I try not to stay there too long. I think what is hardest right now, is that I keep trying to imagine what was going through his head that last week a year ago. It is strange though, how I have never felt Mike's presence around, not even there at the old house.

90/10 Rule

"10% of life is made up of what happens to you. 90% of life is decided by how you react." Stephen R Covey

I really like this theory. I believe it is pretty accurate too. Trying to teach this principle to others is a bit hard. I wish I could have done better at teaching my kids this concept. My life has been so much more pleasant after I learned to believe this. I don't get angry easily, I can roll with the punches better and I am happier due to it. Doesn't mean I don't have down or bad days.

Yesterday was one of those days I just wanted to cry. Don't really know why. A song would come on, or memories would surface, and I would just feel lonely. It doesn't help that Rachel is gone from 6:45am to 9:30pm almost everyday this week! So I sat home alone all afternoon and evening. Since today would be similar, I did something different and pulled out the genealogy to work on. It is a good distraction and hobby of mine. It was a little tough when I tackled putting in Mike's death info.

It also gets tough trying to deal with all this stuff I have never had to deal with. Health insurance, mortgages, bills, IRS, selling a house. Crazy! I messed up when my COBRA ended and didn't get our new health insurance by the deadline so we are uninsured for April. SCARY. I need lots of prayers for the Redmond house to sell. If I drop the price again, I will get nothing out of it. So, I take all these mind boggling things and I get to decide how I am going to react.
Today, I choose to move forward with a smile but an occasional tear is still alright.

Life Goes On ....still

Well, life has been interesting! I am having some issues with the IRS that are just not adding up. It should wind up in my favor and their mess up, but in the mean time they have put me through the wringer. Anyway, I finally got through to the IRS advocate office and after looking over stuff, the lady felt the IRS made an error combining Mike's and my account. Nothing new on their part, just another screw up. Payments were filed under Mike's SSN the returns under my SSN and they didn't put the two together. Enough of that boring stuff. What I am writing about is the affect it all had on me.

This was one of the hardest things to deal with. I think I cried more this weekend then in a long time. Having to explain the circumstances to each person took my call, wore me out. I cried Friday afternoon when all these letters arrived saying I owed tons of money. I held back the tears at the Berry Manilow concert when he sang love songs, but later lost it in the car on the way home listening to the same songs. My health insurance runs out at the end of the month, bills are due, and I am behind on my checkbook balances! Life couldn't be more crazy.

This is when I hit a low and then have to listen to my own counsel. "Come what may and love it." It has been a trying weekend, but life really is good. I have my kids, family, shelter, and a great network of friends. I have been substituting in the schools, throwing away more junk and having fun with Rachel. I guess again, all the good out weighs the pain and frustration. So I am going to go eat lunch...at 3:00....and then pay some more bills. All is good. Life goes on and I am not going to let it go without me. ;-) "I am women hear me roar..."

Rachel Blames Herself. . .

Sometimes I don't even know where to start, my thoughts are going in many sporadic directions. Sunday started out as a normal day, but by bedtime everything changed. Rachel was in bed and reminded me to come say prayers. So I did and then went back to getting ready for bed. A few minutes later I heard her crying. So I climbed into bed with her and held her while she cried.

When she finally felt like talking, she mentioned that she was afraid dad's death may have been her fault. I knew how she felt, but I also know that his death was his choice. For the last year we where trying to run two households two hours and a ferry ride apart and it was a big mistake. Mike didn't come over that weekend because he would only be able to come for two days and he was planning to come over the following week on the Forth of July for 5 days. By Sunday night he had already decided to take his own life. He had made that choice. He called us and everyone was home so he talked to each one of us. That really wasn't out of the ordinary. I wish I could remember what I did or didn't say that night but I don't. I remember laughing and having a good conversation. Rachel remembers telling him that it was a waste of money and gas to come over for two days. Looking back it made her feel guilty for telling him that. She thought that if she would have told him to come, he may still be alive today. That is a lot of weight on the shoulders of a teenager. We talked and I assured her that he had already made the decision not to come over, but it still hurt. We just sat on the bed and cried and talked. There is so much of her life he won't see now and it hurts her. I don't know how to be a single parent. It is hard. I don't always know what to say or do. I hope I was a comfort to her.

On Monday night she had an anxiety attack. She freaked out over all the stuff she has to do over the next month and acted as if she had to accomplish it all right now. I was patient, but I still don't know the right thing to say to her. She seems to be having these more often and is having less control over them. You can tell a person to calm down and breath deep but you can't make them. I need to get her back to her counselor but she has no time in her schedule...literally. She leaves the house everyday at 6:40am and on some days gets home at 8 or 9 pm. Drivers Ed started Tuesday night so that may have been the reason for the loss of control on Monday.

I throw myself into my exercising or other hobbies that I don't have to much time to dwell on the past. It is still to tender and hurts. So I move forward in life and live everyday the best I can. I wish I knew how to teach that concept to a teenage.

Hard Day

Things have been happening so fast and now it is time to slow down. I'm not sure if I like the fact that I have more time, especially for thinking. We have not been left alone in this house since Mike passed away. My older kids, mom, other family members etc, have been either living with us or coming to visit non-stop. That ended today. This morning my mom & Phil took off after a 5 day visit and then I took my son Jeffrey to the ferry to head to Redmond for a few days before heading back to college.
I didn't think it would be that difficult, but I was close to tears the hour long drive back from the ferry. I tried to call a few friends but it was to hard to talk. I wanted to listen to the radio but the songs where to hard to listen to. I didn't want to think about the future. Suddenly I felt like all this weight was on my shoulders because I am the only adult in the house. If something breaks I have to get it fixed; if there is a problem I have to find the solution; if we get scared...I have to be the brave one. Alone. I really don't like that word. In a way, I couldn't wait to be here by myself in the daytime so I could get lots of stuff done. I still have so much stuff to go through. Rachel is only 15 so she is home after school. She is a great friend to have here right now. I have always been blessed with great kids that have been my friends too. By the way, thanks to wonderful friends who call or write for no reason other then to talk and check up on me. I appreciate it. You are all lifesavers.
But I wasn't expecting these overwhelming emotional feelings to hit me this quickly. I have just wanted to cry all day. I try to be strong for the kids and others, but this time I think I will have to just go cry on Rachel's shoulder. It's my turn.

I miss my grandson too. He was such a joy and blessing to have around.

A Few Rough Spots

One of the toughest nights was in July at our church girls camp. Fortunately I was there as a leader. The kids did this blindfolded walk holding onto a rope. There were several branches off the rope but they were with a different thickness or type of rope. The girls were told to hold on to the main rope and never let go. They did not know that there would be other ropes to tempt them off the main rope and they did not know there were many adults along the path some to tempt them the wrong way and others to keep them on the straight and narrow. It really is a cool lesson and has many parallels to life.
Many of the girls were tempted off onto the wrong path and didn't make it all the way to the end. When everyone had gone through, they spent some time processing the activity. As we left the dark forested area, Rachel saw me. She came up and gave me a big hug and then just started to cry. Two things had happened. That was the last activity that Mike did with us as a family a few months before. That hit hard. The other thing was that Mike told Rachel that if she lived a good life now and stayed on the straight and narrow, Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ would be on the other side to greet her and tell her that she had done well. Through her tears she told me that when dad gave that lesson she never thought he too might be on the other side to greet her as well. We cried in each others arms for 10-15 minutes. It was one of the toughest cries but also a good one.