Sometimes A Good Cry Can Cleanse the Soul

Today I got on the treadmill and walk/jogged for 45 minutes...in tears.  I wish I could say it was from the pain of exercising but it was not. More like a mind overload or meltdown. Many things are on my mind. What am I doing with my life? Why does everyone let money run his or her lives? Why can't I sleep at night or focus in the daytime? Who am I, no really, what defines me?

I love music; loud, popular music.  I turn it up loud so I don't have to think. It sometimes keeps my mind occupied and off of thinking.  Other times it makes me think too much. I like my eyes and my hair. I hate how I look in pictures because of my weight but that is a never-ending battle. I can be happy with it; it just is not great for attracting guys! (I was smiling and laughing as I typed that) I am religious but often forget to practice what I truly believe.  I love being my own person and doing what I want but ironically I hate being alone.  I believe I would do whatever I could in my power to help a friend or family member.

Right now, my thoughts are focused on letting go of my youngest so she can move into her new marriage stage of life. A friend once told me that you raise them the best you can then let them go and pray they make good choices. I believe all of my children will do just fine.  It was exciting for me to let them go and watch them move into finding their own way. What I did not realize was how hard it would be with the last one. She is ready to move on and I am ready to let her go, but what I did not realize is what the next stage for me is? I am guessing this is when the nurturing mother starts putting more focus back on her husband. Therefore, that leaves me wondering what I am supposed to do.

The best answer I can come up with is get a job so I have a life! Not for the money, but for a life. This brings me back to the topic of "Why does everyone let money run his or her lives?"  If you do not have money, all you think about is what you could do if you had some. Some people will sacrifice everything to gain money. When you do have money, you can easily become a Scrooge so you do not lose it. Money can be "the root of all evil." My mom had $15,000 in cash hidden in her house for a rainy day. She showed me where it was just in case she died before she spent it. It was to go to her 3 children. Well she died before it rained and then her boyfriend took it all so none of it even went to her family like she planned.

Money is one of the things in this life we depend on for survival, but we cannot take with us when we die.  I look at my late husband and wonder what he worked so hard for. For me to live alone in a nice house. Yes, he worked to provide for the kids and me, but he missed so many recitals, plays, fairs, and vacations that I went on with the kids alone.  No one knows how much time he or she has on this earth and money is pointless beyond this life.  Make sure making money does not take over spending time with your family. Being alone has opened my eyes to how much money cannot buy. Maybe that is why I am so bad with budgets and saving money.  Mike did not live long enough to enjoy all his hard work. Is it wrong for me to spend it on my kids and enjoying life now?          
So through tears of confusion I push through my exercising on the treadmill. I am actually smiling and I am happy, but I can also be confused and lonely at the same time. It is life and I will make the best of it, through tears and smiles.

My wonderful family
(minus Marie who loves being behind the camera!)

Just Rambling Thoughts

I was going through some pictures and found this cute one of Ethan "driving" Mike's old pick-up! He sat there turning the wheel and not wanting to get out. We had a lot of fun paling around and I miss that.

I finally bought the last thing that was on Mike's list for the house. He wanted a coffee table set, bar stools and a porch swing. Early this year I picked up the coffee table set he had picked out and after it arrived I wasn't sure I even liked it, but it grew on me. I picked up the bar stools early this month and we love eating at the bar and looking at the mountains far off and the cows right across the street. Now I needed the porch swing. So the other day I finally broke down and bought one. After building it, I sat there on the porch for awhile just looking off into the yard. That is when it kind of hit me. There should be a garage built over there and Mike should be working in it. It made me shed a few tears over the fact that what we had planned will never be. I wasn't sure if this made me mad, sad or just disappointed in him. I do know what he chose to do was not fair to the rest of the family, but then again when is life fair?

One More Hard Day Coming Up

I was right. My mind played last year over twice. First on Monday and Tuesday because those were the days of the week last year. I kept thinking about what was happening and when and how we were discovering Mike's death. It was almost surreal. Then again on Tuesday and Wednesday it played out because it was the actually dates of things. Sounds weird but Jeffrey said he kind of did the same thing. The first time it was more methodical. The second time it was more sad and there were more tears.
Rachel was off at a summer camp and spent an hour Tuesday night crying in her room with her roommate. I am thankful she had a friend with her. Marie decided to make it her own personal "Depression Awareness Day." Jeffrey and I talked and just had everything run through our heads over and over again. I think I shed more tears hearing about how hard it was for them then I did for myself. Let's hope the 5th isn't a replay of the funeral day.
I actually spent a lot of the day doing yard work, which I hate and Mike loved. So I guess I was still trying to please him and make the yard look good. Strange. I still think about him, us, our family a lot. I suppose I always will, but I am so ready to move on. I would love to find someone who has all Mike's good qualities like patience, kindness, integrity, honesty, and a good work ethic. I would also like to add the qualities I always felt were missing. I would love to have someone who would dote over me, hold me, and love me for who I was no matter what. Someone who isn't afraid to say, "I love you," instead of assuming I could tell by the things he did. Maybe I am unrealistic and asking for the moon, but I want to feel passionately loved next time around. What they heck, don't we all deserve the best for a little while in this life?

Count Down to the One Year Mark

So like always I have been keeping myself busy, but then I have to deal with reality. I had a wonderful weekend in Redmond with all my kids. Jeffrey, Marie and baby Ethan flew in for my girlfriend's daughter's wedding. The bride also happens to be one of Jeffery's best buddies from high school. Rachel was a junior bridesmaid in the wedding at Mary Queen of Peace and it was beautiful. Rachel was beautiful too! I was able to see a lot of co-workers and friends.
Like always, spending time with my kids was a blast but ended too soon. After taking them to the airport Sunday, I had to go over to our old house to make sure things were ready for the sale and closing on Thursday. Rachel didn't want to go so I dropped her off at a friends. Somewhat of a bad move because I now had to go over there alone, again and for the last time.
As I finished up the things I had to do at the house, I finally sat on the steps and cried. Cried over all the wonderful memories of raising my kids in that house, cried that I had to let it go, and cried over how it all ended there. As I had walked through each room, a memory came to me. . . some good, some bad. The laughter of Rachel (4) and Jeffrey (10) racing to the bathroom and Rachel winning because she bit Jeffrey on the butt. The joy and excitement when we told Marie & Jeffrey we were having another baby. The fun times of teenagers sitting on the leather couch taking and laughing (the kids won't let me sell that couch!) The images of the kids waiting at the top of the stairs every Christmas until we said they could come down. The exciting themed birthday parties we use to have. How we could always find Mike asleep on a heater vent and even once in the garage under a car! So many memories after 18 years there. When Rachel's first hamster died Mike, Rachel and I all climb into our big king size bed and just held each other and cried. Mike always took it hard when an animal died. He was there alone when he had to deal with putting Marie's cat of 15 years down. He called Marie from the vet and let her talk to Katy and then stayed in the room while they put her to sleep. He was always tender with the animals even though he would complain about their hair and messes.
We have a fun series of pictures on the leather couch as the kids were growing up. In fact I have
lots of pictures. Almost 15 albums worth of pictures! It is still a little hard for me to look at the old family pictures but time will change that. I am trying not to count down to the one year mark, but it is hard. I would be lying if I said I was not looking back and reflecting on things and wondering a bit. I try not to stay there too long. I think what is hardest right now, is that I keep trying to imagine what was going through his head that last week a year ago. It is strange though, how I have never felt Mike's presence around, not even there at the old house.