Depression Helps part 2 of Opportunities to Teach

Let me start by saying I am not a professional doctor or therapist. I don't claim to have all the answers. I just know that no one had answers for me when I needed them most, so I want to share what I learned on my journey with my husband's depression.

Depression is so difficult for the person suffering from it, but it can also affect the people around them. If those of us that are healthy are prepared, we will be a better strength for them. Remember 1 in 4 will suffer at some point in their life from some type of depression. You will have this touch your life.

I had an interesting conversation with my son the other day. He was reading history about our forefathers and the early men of our country and he noticed something. They had meaningful relationships with each other. Man to man. They were affectionate with each other and could express their love to one another in a normal man to man way. Their interactions showed real caring and tenderness toward each other. That man bond seems to now be gone in most places of America. The comradery with a group of men that have to work closely together seems to give them strength. Maybe that is a missing link into why American men are having such a difficult time sharing their struggles with depression. The bonds between men are different now. They have been taught affection, crying, or hugging between men is a weakness or the sign of an alternative lifestyle. It is not.

Look at third world countries who have nothing. Their communities still rely heavily on each other. The men are not isolated as just the lead of their home, they stick together to make their community work. They also seem to have less issues with depression. It could also be the stress placed on men today in our world. I am sure most American men feel like they can't do enough for their family. The pressure on them is very high and the outlets for them have dwindled. Just an interesting observation that may be contributing to the problem for men. I know my late husband was happier the few times he was able to spend quality time with his male friends.

Here are some links to a few of the websites I have used to find information. These are some of my favorites.

Empowered Life Solutions   (Covers Anxiety, Depression, Healthy Living, and Happiness)

NAMI - National Alliance on Mental Illness

Nine Things You-Shouldn't Say to a Depressed Loved One And What to Say Instead

The Emily Effect     (Prenatal Mood Disorder)

Real Men Get Help

Mental Health (read the questions at the bottom)

Here are some descriptions I took from several websites, medical posts, and other information. I am sorry I can't give the original writers the credit they are due, but I have put this together over many years from different sources.  This shows 9 basic types of depression but each type can have sub types.
Remember: Depression is like a finger print, it is different for everyone.

Atypical Depression - Often considered a sub-type of Major Depression or Dysthymia and is the most common type of depression. Normally talk therapy works well. Symptoms: Two to three times more common in women than men. Oversleeping, overeating, weight gain, irritable, relationship issues, a sense of heaviness in the arms and legs - like a form of paralysis.

Situational Depression - About 3 times more common than major depression. Medication is rarely needed and it clears up over time, but it should not be ignored. Symptoms: Situational depression is triggered by a stressful or life-changing event, such as a job loss, death of a loved one, trauma, and even a bad break-up. Excessive sadness, worry, or nervousness. Diseases can cause this type of depression.

Postpartum Depression - Affects about 85% of new moms. May need a combination of talk and drug therapy. Symptoms: Some sadness after their baby is born, up to 16% of women the sadness is serious enough to be diagnosed.

Major Depression - Affects 7% of the US adult population. Usually antidepressant medications are needed. Symptoms: major depression, extreme sadness, hopelessness, lack of energy, irritability, trouble concentrating, changes in sleep or eating habits, feelings of guilt, physical pain, thoughts of death or suicide.

Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder - Affects 5% of women and is much more severe than PMS. Help for this may include a combination of talk therapy, drug therapy, and nutritional therapy. Affects women during the second half of their menstrual cycles. PMDD can be severe enough to affect he relationships. Depression, anxiety, mood swings more severe than PMS.

Seasonal Affective Disorder -  4 to 6% of US population is estimated to be affected by SAD. Light therapy or artificial light treatment is helpful. Anxiety, increased irritability, daytime fatigue, weight gain, occurs in winter climates of places with less sunshine.

Bipolar Disorder - 2 to 3% of the US population are affected. Usually treated with drugs called mood stabilizers. This is the highest risk group for suicide. Periods of extreme high to low to high (also called manic depressive disorder), high energy, excitement, racing thoughts, poor judgement. There are 4 basic subtypes: Bipolar I, Bipolar II, Cyclothymic Disorder, and Specified Bipolar.

Dysthymia - Hits 2% of the US population. Usually responds better to talk therapy. Low mood over long period of time, chronic depression, people can function adequately, but not optimally.

Psychotic Depression - 20 % of the people with depression have episodes so severe that they see or hear things that are not really there. This type may require a combination of antidepressants and anti-psychotic medications. They lose touch with reality, false beliefs, delusions, hallucinations, catatonic, do not leave their bed.

Opportunities to Teach

I am amazed how opportunities still come my way to use our family's trials to teach and help others. In July, I was given the opportunity to teach a lesson to the women of our church congregation. The topic "Finding Joy in the Journey." Before talking about joy I talked about depression and how hard it is for some to find joy.

Of course I was prompted by the lessons learned through my experiences with my late husband Mike. I printed a list of places people can go for help and wonderful resources. I had a handout on the 9 basic types of depression and some of their sub types. Of course being the teacher, I learned the most. I wasn't quite ready for the positive responses I received over the three weeks after the lesson.

I have learned that sharing our personal hardships, help us to see each other as the humans we are. We tend to think everyone is perfect while we struggle and that is not the case. I am glad that I was guided to say the things that these women needed to hear. Even more surprising to me was being asked to share the lesson again but this time with the men of our congregation.

I feel strongly about keeping the men and women separate because they might open up more and ask questions with less hesitation. Eventually a mixed group would be the next step. I am so glad that our church is talking more about depression. My late husband said it would be a plague of the last days that would affect the righteous as well as the wicked. Eight years ago before his death it was still a secret killer that no one really liked to talk about.

So today I taught the men. I started by sharing the wonderful and normal things about Mike. Then I talked about his secret dark side that was sometimes even hard for me to deal with. One in four suffer from some type of mental illness. That meant that out of the 50+ men there at least 1/4 dealt with or will deal with depression themselves or within their family. This will touch all of us. Different types of depression need different things. Some just need talk therapy and some types need medications. Men, don't be afraid to ask for help and keep a loving eye out for your spouses too.

One of the men asked, "if your husband was always praying, serving, and reading his scriptures plus getting the medical help he needed, what else could you have done to save him?"  Good question. So here are some tools that might help:

• Eat healthy and less sugar
• Exercise daily and that means a good hard aerobic heart elevating exercise at least 5 times a week
• Spend some time outdoors in the fresh air
• Try and go to bed at normal times and get a good nights sleep
• Deep breathing and meditation
• Spend time with family, don't go into isolation

My oldest daughter who suffers from depression wrote this:

"Make a working list of little things that bring a smile to your face. Little things that warm your heart. I say working list because it will change over time. My list started with a hot cocoa and pumpkin scone from Starbucks. It also included specific songs and little interactions with my son. Over time I realized the most important thing to me in life, as well as the thing that brings me the most happiness and joy, is family. 

I encourage all of us to look inside ourselves and ask, what are some things that make me smile? What are some things that bring me joy? It doesn't matter how small or big they are. Write them down and the next time your're feeling down take that list out and try one or two of those things. One of my all-time favorite quotes from Gordon B. Hinckley says, "Life is to be enjoyed, not just endured."

Next post: a list of helpful articles and places to go to for help.

The Adventures of Moving

For the past few years I have spent my summers in Utah to be closer to my kids. Then I head back to Washington for the school year to get work substituting in the schools. This year when I went back to Washington, I sat at home for two weeks with very little interaction, no work, and mostly political phone calls. There were the occasional calls from my aunt Donna but most of my interaction came from Facebook.That is when I finally felt, I am done here. It is time to move on to a new adventure and what an adventure it has been!

When I finally decided to move to Utah permanently, things started moving fast. I had a lot of time to pack, so I did a few boxes everyday. I made one dump run, overfilled my garbage can weekly and made at least 6 Goodwill runs.  When you have time to pack, you can pack things just the way you want. It was nice. Two of my dear friends from Redmond came over to Sequim to pack some of my kitchen and bookshelf. It was so fun to have them there and spend time together. Very few friends in Sequim offered to help box, and  by the time they did, it was to late and I was done. I don't think they realized how soon I was leaving.

I don't know how anyone tackles major events in their lives without a church family. When it came time to load the truck, Jeffrey had flown home to help me. The 16-18 year old boys from church and their leaders came to help. One of the leaders is my second cousin Vance Willis. He is an amazing packer! We packed a 27 foot U-Haul but it wasn't enough. I needed another 17' truck that I would drive. So the next day Jeffrey and Vance packed the small truck and we were finally ready to head out.

The first leg of the trip was from Sequim to Portland and it rained the entire way. I asked Jeffrey if he wanted to travel with the cat or dog. He chose the cat and I was glad. Our hotel nights with the animals were great. They were traveling pretty well and they behaved in the hotels-. The second day we went from east Portland to Burley, Idaho. It rain all the way to Boise and was a long day but having walkie talkies with us made it nice. Somewhere before crossing into Utah, Jeffrey heard a strange noise so we stopped and checked out the trucks but couldn't find anything wrong.

Two times after that cars driving by were trying to tell Jeffrey something about his van. We would stop and check it out but saw nothing. Upon returning the van to the U-Haul store, Chris and Jeffrey realized that the back inside tire was flat! We were so blessed not to have an accident driving with that flat!

So for now, I have 3/4 of my stuff in the new house that I don't own yet, 1/4 is in storage and a few odds and ends are with me. I have no idea where most of my clothes are, where any of my make-up is, and I am living in a basement with boxes surrounding me so I feel like I am in a cave with two animals! This is definitely and adventure.

How am I holding up with all this? Better at times. I have lost 8 pounds most likely from stress. I feel homeless (and if you know the 'Forgotten Carols' I am guessing you are singing right now like my kids keep doing.)  Honestly, it feels like I don't belong anywhere. Very strange feelings for me but that is honestly how I am feeling. Helpless, lost, unsure, nervous, displaced and sometimes sad.  It is all very strange, but I know it is just temporary.

Just Rambling Thoughts

I was going through some pictures and found this cute one of Ethan "driving" Mike's old pick-up! He sat there turning the wheel and not wanting to get out. We had a lot of fun paling around and I miss that.

I finally bought the last thing that was on Mike's list for the house. He wanted a coffee table set, bar stools and a porch swing. Early this year I picked up the coffee table set he had picked out and after it arrived I wasn't sure I even liked it, but it grew on me. I picked up the bar stools early this month and we love eating at the bar and looking at the mountains far off and the cows right across the street. Now I needed the porch swing. So the other day I finally broke down and bought one. After building it, I sat there on the porch for awhile just looking off into the yard. That is when it kind of hit me. There should be a garage built over there and Mike should be working in it. It made me shed a few tears over the fact that what we had planned will never be. I wasn't sure if this made me mad, sad or just disappointed in him. I do know what he chose to do was not fair to the rest of the family, but then again when is life fair?

Painful Findings

Some things may never get easier. My accountant needs all I can round up from 2008. Amazingly I am doing a pretty good job at finding things among the 15+ boxes of Mike's business & personal paperwork. It is harder finding the 2008 stuff then it was the 1993 to 2007 stuff the accountant needed! The closer the dates came to the present, the more painful it is for me. Mike had two businesses out of our home. I had to come up with purchases, other expenses and payments for both businesses. After tearing the house apart, I finally found two check registers for the 2008 business account.
I went through and made an excel spreadsheet with auto mechanic credits and debits and accounting credits and debits and then miscellaneous ones that I felt should be considered on the return. It wasn't too bad to do but did take a lot of time.
As I was coming to the end of May in the register, everything got harder. You could see the work slowing down and the deposits fewer. Then I found the check written out for a ticket for not wearing his seat belt! He never told me about that one...maybe that is why he didn't get upset with me when I got my very first speeding ticket last year! The sad entry was for a single ticket to the movie theater. At least he went to the most expensive theater in town. That was not long after my nephew Michael moved out of the house and Mike was over in Redmond during the week alone.
But the hardest entry was one of the last ones. In the register it simply said:
June 27 - for a movie and my last meals
Yes, I cried. He talked to me two more times after that date and never said a word about how he was feeling. The very last transactions were deposits to Rachel and I. He wanted us to have access to money until things could be settled. It was so planned and I didn't see it.

Hard Day

Things have been happening so fast and now it is time to slow down. I'm not sure if I like the fact that I have more time, especially for thinking. We have not been left alone in this house since Mike passed away. My older kids, mom, other family members etc, have been either living with us or coming to visit non-stop. That ended today. This morning my mom & Phil took off after a 5 day visit and then I took my son Jeffrey to the ferry to head to Redmond for a few days before heading back to college.
I didn't think it would be that difficult, but I was close to tears the hour long drive back from the ferry. I tried to call a few friends but it was to hard to talk. I wanted to listen to the radio but the songs where to hard to listen to. I didn't want to think about the future. Suddenly I felt like all this weight was on my shoulders because I am the only adult in the house. If something breaks I have to get it fixed; if there is a problem I have to find the solution; if we get scared...I have to be the brave one. Alone. I really don't like that word. In a way, I couldn't wait to be here by myself in the daytime so I could get lots of stuff done. I still have so much stuff to go through. Rachel is only 15 so she is home after school. She is a great friend to have here right now. I have always been blessed with great kids that have been my friends too. By the way, thanks to wonderful friends who call or write for no reason other then to talk and check up on me. I appreciate it. You are all lifesavers.
But I wasn't expecting these overwhelming emotional feelings to hit me this quickly. I have just wanted to cry all day. I try to be strong for the kids and others, but this time I think I will have to just go cry on Rachel's shoulder. It's my turn.

I miss my grandson too. He was such a joy and blessing to have around.