The Good and the Bad

It is late at night and I haven't been on here in awhile. We have had a busy month with the school production of Beauty and the Beast. This was my second year as the house manager and pre-ticket sale person. When you have 6 shows and can seat 600 people a show, that is a busy job! We only had two nights that seating was down to the last few seats, so it wasn't as bad as last year.
I have also been working a lot. The past two weeks I haven't worked because I got a bad cough after working in attendance where all the sick kids come use my phone!!! I can't remember if I mentioned that I received my life time substitute teaching certificate. It is good for K-12th grade. So I had the fun opportunity to teach high school history for 3 days in a row. It was fun because Rachel was in one of my classes! The first day the kids got a little crazy (normal for how they act with a sub) so on the second day Rachel was gone for the first part of class. When she walked in they were quiet and respectful. She was shocked so when we got home she asked me what I did to change the kids. Well, I believe in a little bribery, so I told them I would bring them all brownies for my birthday on the third day if they were good. That meant brownies for 150 kids or 5 classes worth! But I made them all and it was fun. The main reason they were good though is because I told them I didn't have to be there. I told them I didn't have to work but I did because I enjoyed the kids. I am a laid back sub and we can have a lot of fun together but they have to be respectful and no swearing. If not, I won't come back. They all said I was the best sub ever and they wanted me back so they would be good. Wow, that was easy!!!
So let me go back to my birthday. Worked all day and ate brownies with the kids. Rachel and I were planning to go to Applebees for dinner, but she wanted to take a friend so it wouldn't be so boring... so I spent my birthday dinner with 5 teenagers at Applebees! It was really fun. One of the kids asked the waitress to cut my food into little pieces because I was OLD now. Fun times. I had a blond moment when she brought me a little red sculptured balloon and I said, "ah, what a cute tomato." Everyone stared at me blankly then in unison said, "It is an Apple...Applebees..." So I felt my old age of 50 and wondered if my mind was going. I did receive flowers from a few people and that was wonderful. I love flowers.
There were also a few tough moments in the last few weeks. I have always said that my marriage contract said I did the inside of the house and Mike did the outside. It was kind of a joke between us. Well now I have to do the outside too. Most weeks from April to October, I have to mow the lawn twice a week. That is two acres of grass to mow with the sit down mower, then weed wack, then mow certain areas with the push mower. As you can imagine it takes me about 3-4 hours each time. Most of the time I don't mind it, but last week was awful. The grass had managed to grow 4-5 inches before I could cut it. It had rained whenever I had time to cut it so it just grew. When I finally had a chance to mow, it was still damp in some areas and very windy. I didn't finish until 8:30pm and the sit down mower kept jamming and sliding all over from damp grass. I was so mad. With the lawn mower being loud and no one living near us, I took this opportunity to scream, cry and complain about how mad I was that Mike would leave this for me to deal with. Sounds weird but I guess I temporarily lost it. It actually felt good to be upset for a brief time. At least there was a release of emotion. Marie called that night to complain about something and I snapped, "it is my turn to have a bad day, I don't want to hear about yours!" I don't normally get that way so I am sure it surprised her.
I also finally talked to someone about getting a headstone for Mike. It has almost taken me a year to do this. Crazy but I haven't wanted to deal with it.

"Firsts" Are Still Difficult, Even With A Positive Attitude

"Firsts" definitely are difficult. I love springtime, I was born in the spring, married in the spring and it is just a beautiful time of the year.

As I approach my birthday, I think I will make it through alright. Half the time Mike never did anything for my birthday anyway. Then other times he really went all out. But this is a landmark birthday. I really have no plans to do anything. Rachel has play rehearsal every evening from here until May 8th so I could go out to dinner alone... but that doesn't sound fun. I enjoy life so I really don't mind getting older. I do mind getting older alone. I really do hate not having someone around to share intimate feelings and thoughts with. Someone to be with.

As for the anniversary, I am not sure how to get through that one except to just stay busy. It would be our 28th anniversary. It is weird to think that I have been married more of my life then I was single. Maybe that is why I hate being single so much, just not used to it. Sometimes I see all the single women out there and I think maybe I should be happy for what I had and not worry about dating so they can have a chance at that same kind of happiness. Then I think who would want to marry me anyway! I am happy with who I am and I really don't have weird hangups, but most guys can't see beyond my few extra pounds to figure that out. Wait, there are no guys around here to date so maybe I am wrong about that!!! I guess I shouldn't worry about dating until Rachel is in college anyway, she might rebel on me! I joke with her about double dating all the time and she just rolls her eyes.

As for Mothers Day, I used to say that by the time it came my family was sick of doing things for me! Having a birthday, anniversary and then Mother's Day all spread out in one week is too much to focus on one person! I have fantastic kids so I am sure they will do their best to take care of me during this up coming week of more "firsts."

Truth be told, while Rachel has been off doing her own thing, being by myself these last few weeks have been difficult. I try and keep busy but when I am all alone and it is quiet, my doubts and fears creep in the most. I am a survivor, so it will all be okay.

Milestones - "Happy Birthday Mike"

Well this week has been fun and long. I worked at the high school which was fun. I had my hips and lower back go out twice which wasn't fun. I learned to play "rock band" on the wii with a fun group of kids. I went to see the midnight show of TWILIGHT with a carload of girls, which was a blast and I dealt with an interesting situation with Rachel at our church youth group. So life is normal and good. My computer freaked out on me too and I lost a folder in my Outlook that had all our holiday activities in it... I hope I can figure it all out again!
Saturday will be a difficult milestone for us. I haven't brought it up so I don't know if the kids remember that Mike's birthday is the 22 of November. I have reminded Rachel several times that we will have a lot of firsts this year. This is one of them. Mike would be 52. In the past, we didn't celebrate Mike's birthday real big, but we would always go out to dinner and have a gift or two. This year I think we are kind of hiding from the normal things. That is why we are taking off for the holidays; we just don't want to do the traditional normal things.
I was frustrated this week when I had car and computer problems and he wasn't here to fix them. Makes me feel a bit helpless. I also haven't been able to deal with putting a marker on the grave yet. It just weirds me out to have a large marker with my name on it too, so I just ignore it. I wish I new someone in Mose Lake that could at least go put flowers on the grave. I hope we all get though tomorrow okay. Maybe I will just keep busy.