Earlier this year, my daughter wrote a beautiful post on Infertility and the difficulty it was to go through. It was an eye opener. So I took her format and wrote what it is like to be a widow. This Christmas season, take care of the widows in your life. It is a hard place to be and none of us asked for the title.

What does it mean to be a widow?
It is making decisions you thought you would never have to make
It is deciding if you want your name on a headstone yet
It is cooking for one
It is candle lite dinners alone
It is trying to figure out where you fit in
It is sitting home lonely because you don't want to be a burden to anyone
It is learning to live alone, for the first time in your life
It is holding yourself together for your children
It is learning to sing and smile again
It is filing paperwork to get what is rightfully yours
It is trying to make everyone happy with your decision
It is a ton of 'why me'
It is piling junk on the bed so the space next to you doesn't seem so empty
It is having the first year of difficult dates pass, when everyone else is over your loss in a week
It is not knowing what to do with your future
It is staying out late with your widow friends so you don't have to go home to an empty house
It is wishing couples wouldn't complain about being married
It is wanting to be surrounded by family during holidays so you won't feel so alone
It is wondering if your kids will call
It is being told not to talk to your friend's husband anymore because you are single
It is being forgotten when your church has a dance or party for couples
It is learning to kill the spiders, fix the electrical issues, and make your own home repairs
It is having a hole in your heart and life
It is not having someone to discuss politics rationally with anymore
It is not having someone's hand to hold when you need strength
It is holding your pet when there is no one to hold you
It is trying to feel love on Valentine's Day
It is hiding the pain of loneliness
It is not wanting to date because you can't ever replace your spouse
It is wanting to date so you don't have to live alone
It is not being invited out with your married friends anymore
It is going out to dinner alone
It is not having someone to kiss on New Year's Eve
It is wondering if you are a horrible person when you move on
It is deciding when to take off your wedding ring
It is depending on God for survival and to walk with you
It is finding out you have joined the Widows Club, a club you didn't want to join with a very high entry price paid

Reminiscing and Looking Forward To the Future

I recently had some time to do some reminiscing. Like always there is good and bad that comes with that. The online memorial that was kept up for a year on the internet obituary page was bound and printed out before going off line. After it arrived, I sat and read all the wonderful comments people had written about Mike. The good memories, the prayers for our family and the caring concern for our future. It was all very touching.
I also received the hard bound book I had printed from my blog and I was very impressed at how nice it is. (The same company did both books.) For the first time in a long time I have a journal. I love reading my ancestors journals but I am really bad at keeping one. This online journal has worked well for me. What I often forget is that people are actually reading my online journal!

It is interesting that people find it odd that I am doing so well. I get calls from loving family and friends who want to make sure we are fine. I think we are doing pretty good. It is almost like some of them are trying to get me to tell them some suppressed thoughts or feelings that don't exist! I am looking forward to the future and what it holds. Who knows what direction things will go in. That is actually kind of fun to think about.
I am also glad I don't have any weird quirks . . . all my friends are laughing now. I mean I don't have any skeletons in the closet to come back and haunt me and I am not weird in the strange kind of sense! I don't have bazaar habits and idiosyncrasies. Unless you think carrying a toothbrush in the car and wearing socks to bed is strange . . .but that is not bad if that is all that is weird about me!
So I am looking forward to a relationship with a nice normal man that only has two weird quarks like me. I am sure there must be someone out there that fits the bill! In the meantime, I will focus on my family and myself. When I try to figure out what I want to accomplish from here on out, I am really blank. About all I can come up with is:

• become physical fit and darn good looking!!! (lots of hard work on that one!)
  
• travel to France, Denmark and go on a Caribbean Cruise
• Write a book
• spend lots of time with someone I love

Life has been good and the road has been an adventure. I would not trade it and would not repeat it, but I will continue to enjoy it.

Avoiding my blog....what is with that?

I have kind of been avoiding my blog and I am not sure why. Maybe I have nothing to say...wow. The rest of our holiday in Utah was a blast. I got to see a lot of wonderful people and think a lot about the 'good old days.' I especially enjoyed reminiscing with Rick; good times. Thanks for being you. I also can't believe how long Connie and I sat and talked! What good memories. I also had fun on what I could say was my first date as a widow. Details? No I'd like to keep that somewhat private for now.

The last of our stay we just visited with family. It was great to see Uncle Jack and Janene. Uncle Jack reminds me so much of my dad. I felt bad because I missed seeing my cousin due to my own stupidity. Just plan forgot to check my e-mail until it was too late. I loved playing with my grandson and I miss him tons and tons.

Anyway, we are back home and lots of fun things going on. Rachel got her braces off, received her license, and had a big late birthday bash with her friends. Now it is time to get back down to work. I spent some time cleaning out the garage, but I can only do so much then I need a break. Going through old stuff is hard. Sometimes I think I throw things away just to get the memories to move on. No news from the IRS. I guess that is good. No news on the sale of the Redmond house. I guess that is bad. If there is one thing anyone reading this could do for our family right now, I would say pray that the house in Redmond sells quickly before I have to drop the price again. If I have to drop the price of the house, I will not get out of it what I have had to put into it for selling. I just need to be free of it. Our family is going to pray and fast on Thursday, anyone is welcome to pray with us. I have had a lot of miracles this last year and I feel bad asking for another, but I need one more.