All Depression is Not the Same!

I have been going to a team of doctors for chiropractic and physical therapy work. I noticed that everyone in the treatment area has different symptoms and different treatment. No one is on the exact same care plan. This is good because our issues are different. The same should go for cancer treatment, thyroid treatment, or any other medical issue. They should be specialized to the patient.

So why is it that people think depression is all the same and should be treated the same? This drives me crazy. In a recent conversation my daughter had with someone, he tried to convince her that she could just choose to be happier. Because CBT (cognitive behavior therapy) worked for him it will work for her. Using CBT and DBT (dialectical behavior therapy) can help many people and can be a great tool, but that doesn't mean it will work the same for all.

Take my late husband for example, on more than one occasion, I had walked in the room to find him staring down at his feet with no expression. He couldn't tell me the last time he ate or even if he needed to go the bathroom.

In that state of mind, no CBT or DBT was going to help him. So you say, practice when you are healthy so you can use it when you are not. That might work to a point, but when you have that deep type of depression that should be called a brain disease instead, that does not usually work.

I am no doctor. I am a widow that was a caregiver that spent everyday with my late spouse. I couldn't even get him to laugh at a joke when he was in a dark state of mind. He would stare at me blankly and try to comprehend what I was talking about.

The bottom line, one treatment does not fit all. Educate yourself. If you suffer from depression try everything you can to see what works including therapy, medications, sunlight, exercise, CBT, or DBT. Share what worked for you but do not assume it will be a fit for others. If you are a caregiver, make sure your loved one gets access to whatever is best for them. And then help educate others to get rid of the stigma with mental illness. No one asks for this disease. No one wants to spend days feeling like they are in a deep dark place. Love them, listen to them, and let them know you will be there for them. I love you Marie and all others who have to live with this awful brain disease.

Depression Helps part 2 of Opportunities to Teach

Let me start by saying I am not a professional doctor or therapist. I don't claim to have all the answers. I just know that no one had answers for me when I needed them most, so I want to share what I learned on my journey with my husband's depression.

Depression is so difficult for the person suffering from it, but it can also affect the people around them. If those of us that are healthy are prepared, we will be a better strength for them. Remember 1 in 4 will suffer at some point in their life from some type of depression. You will have this touch your life.

I had an interesting conversation with my son the other day. He was reading history about our forefathers and the early men of our country and he noticed something. They had meaningful relationships with each other. Man to man. They were affectionate with each other and could express their love to one another in a normal man to man way. Their interactions showed real caring and tenderness toward each other. That man bond seems to now be gone in most places of America. The comradery with a group of men that have to work closely together seems to give them strength. Maybe that is a missing link into why American men are having such a difficult time sharing their struggles with depression. The bonds between men are different now. They have been taught affection, crying, or hugging between men is a weakness or the sign of an alternative lifestyle. It is not.

Look at third world countries who have nothing. Their communities still rely heavily on each other. The men are not isolated as just the lead of their home, they stick together to make their community work. They also seem to have less issues with depression. It could also be the stress placed on men today in our world. I am sure most American men feel like they can't do enough for their family. The pressure on them is very high and the outlets for them have dwindled. Just an interesting observation that may be contributing to the problem for men. I know my late husband was happier the few times he was able to spend quality time with his male friends.

Here are some links to a few of the websites I have used to find information. These are some of my favorites.

Empowered Life Solutions   (Covers Anxiety, Depression, Healthy Living, and Happiness)

NAMI - National Alliance on Mental Illness

Nine Things You-Shouldn't Say to a Depressed Loved One And What to Say Instead

The Emily Effect     (Prenatal Mood Disorder)

Real Men Get Help

Mental Health (read the questions at the bottom)

Here are some descriptions I took from several websites, medical posts, and other information. I am sorry I can't give the original writers the credit they are due, but I have put this together over many years from different sources.  This shows 9 basic types of depression but each type can have sub types.
Remember: Depression is like a finger print, it is different for everyone.

Atypical Depression - Often considered a sub-type of Major Depression or Dysthymia and is the most common type of depression. Normally talk therapy works well. Symptoms: Two to three times more common in women than men. Oversleeping, overeating, weight gain, irritable, relationship issues, a sense of heaviness in the arms and legs - like a form of paralysis.

Situational Depression - About 3 times more common than major depression. Medication is rarely needed and it clears up over time, but it should not be ignored. Symptoms: Situational depression is triggered by a stressful or life-changing event, such as a job loss, death of a loved one, trauma, and even a bad break-up. Excessive sadness, worry, or nervousness. Diseases can cause this type of depression.

Postpartum Depression - Affects about 85% of new moms. May need a combination of talk and drug therapy. Symptoms: Some sadness after their baby is born, up to 16% of women the sadness is serious enough to be diagnosed.

Major Depression - Affects 7% of the US adult population. Usually antidepressant medications are needed. Symptoms: major depression, extreme sadness, hopelessness, lack of energy, irritability, trouble concentrating, changes in sleep or eating habits, feelings of guilt, physical pain, thoughts of death or suicide.

Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder - Affects 5% of women and is much more severe than PMS. Help for this may include a combination of talk therapy, drug therapy, and nutritional therapy. Affects women during the second half of their menstrual cycles. PMDD can be severe enough to affect he relationships. Depression, anxiety, mood swings more severe than PMS.

Seasonal Affective Disorder -  4 to 6% of US population is estimated to be affected by SAD. Light therapy or artificial light treatment is helpful. Anxiety, increased irritability, daytime fatigue, weight gain, occurs in winter climates of places with less sunshine.

Bipolar Disorder - 2 to 3% of the US population are affected. Usually treated with drugs called mood stabilizers. This is the highest risk group for suicide. Periods of extreme high to low to high (also called manic depressive disorder), high energy, excitement, racing thoughts, poor judgement. There are 4 basic subtypes: Bipolar I, Bipolar II, Cyclothymic Disorder, and Specified Bipolar.

Dysthymia - Hits 2% of the US population. Usually responds better to talk therapy. Low mood over long period of time, chronic depression, people can function adequately, but not optimally.

Psychotic Depression - 20 % of the people with depression have episodes so severe that they see or hear things that are not really there. This type may require a combination of antidepressants and anti-psychotic medications. They lose touch with reality, false beliefs, delusions, hallucinations, catatonic, do not leave their bed.

Opportunities to Teach

I am amazed how opportunities still come my way to use our family's trials to teach and help others. In July, I was given the opportunity to teach a lesson to the women of our church congregation. The topic "Finding Joy in the Journey." Before talking about joy I talked about depression and how hard it is for some to find joy.

Of course I was prompted by the lessons learned through my experiences with my late husband Mike. I printed a list of places people can go for help and wonderful resources. I had a handout on the 9 basic types of depression and some of their sub types. Of course being the teacher, I learned the most. I wasn't quite ready for the positive responses I received over the three weeks after the lesson.

I have learned that sharing our personal hardships, help us to see each other as the humans we are. We tend to think everyone is perfect while we struggle and that is not the case. I am glad that I was guided to say the things that these women needed to hear. Even more surprising to me was being asked to share the lesson again but this time with the men of our congregation.

I feel strongly about keeping the men and women separate because they might open up more and ask questions with less hesitation. Eventually a mixed group would be the next step. I am so glad that our church is talking more about depression. My late husband said it would be a plague of the last days that would affect the righteous as well as the wicked. Eight years ago before his death it was still a secret killer that no one really liked to talk about.

So today I taught the men. I started by sharing the wonderful and normal things about Mike. Then I talked about his secret dark side that was sometimes even hard for me to deal with. One in four suffer from some type of mental illness. That meant that out of the 50+ men there at least 1/4 dealt with or will deal with depression themselves or within their family. This will touch all of us. Different types of depression need different things. Some just need talk therapy and some types need medications. Men, don't be afraid to ask for help and keep a loving eye out for your spouses too.

One of the men asked, "if your husband was always praying, serving, and reading his scriptures plus getting the medical help he needed, what else could you have done to save him?"  Good question. So here are some tools that might help:

• Eat healthy and less sugar
• Exercise daily and that means a good hard aerobic heart elevating exercise at least 5 times a week
• Spend some time outdoors in the fresh air
• Try and go to bed at normal times and get a good nights sleep
• Deep breathing and meditation
• Spend time with family, don't go into isolation

My oldest daughter who suffers from depression wrote this:

"Make a working list of little things that bring a smile to your face. Little things that warm your heart. I say working list because it will change over time. My list started with a hot cocoa and pumpkin scone from Starbucks. It also included specific songs and little interactions with my son. Over time I realized the most important thing to me in life, as well as the thing that brings me the most happiness and joy, is family. 

I encourage all of us to look inside ourselves and ask, what are some things that make me smile? What are some things that bring me joy? It doesn't matter how small or big they are. Write them down and the next time your're feeling down take that list out and try one or two of those things. One of my all-time favorite quotes from Gordon B. Hinckley says, "Life is to be enjoyed, not just endured."

Next post: a list of helpful articles and places to go to for help.

World Hopecast Interview Link

I had the awesome opportunity to be one of the guests on the World Hope Cast back in March. It was an amazing experience. They broke the world record for the longest continuous podcast. All the speakers were fabulous and brought hope into the world. He you would like to hear my interview, it is at the link below.

World Hopecast - Speaker Grace-Chumley

My World Hopecast Interview

Many of you have possibly heard of motivational speaker Dr. Paul Jenkins, well I am being interviewed by him on the WORLD HOPECAST next week, so please sign up now to listen!

This is a record breaking internet podcast with interviews of experts from around the globe in a record attempt (certified by Guinness) for the longest live-streamed audio webcast, while providing powerful messages of hope to the world, from around the world.

Registration is Open! Please take a moment to register yourself, and then invite your friends to do the same. Once you register, you will receive a unique link and instructions that allow you to follow the live stream. I will be interviewed on Friday at 12am Mountain Standard Time. Tune in online, Thursday night just before midnight to hear my Friday 12am interview podcast live. Let me know if you can't listen to the even that night. I will have a direct link to my interview after the entire podcast for World Hopecast is over.

The link you receive will work for the entire event, not just my interview. You will also have access to the schedule and can share the event with others. This is the direct link to the registration page:

http://WorldHopecast.com/registration

World Hopecast does not sell or share your e-mail information. Even if you can't listen to mine, register and listen to other podcasts or mine at a later date :)

Grace Marie Chumley

"Put on your natural make-up, SMILE"

Author of:

"Grace Under Pressure - Smiling Through Adversity"

Please Stop Saying "Committed" Suicide by Kyle Freeman

This is something I had not really thought about. I like her thought process on this. It has a softer feel and not so harsh. I included her blog site and this entire post below. I will be walking in the 'SLC Out of the Darkness' walk on September 19. You can donate in Mike's memory at:

Donate in Memory of Michael Chumley

Kyle's Blog

Before my brother Jeff died by suicide, I never thought about the way I talked about suicide. Immediately following his death and for a long time after, I was so shocked that the terms used to describe how he died mattered little. But as time passes, and the shock subsides, I’ve discovered that I bristle each time I hear the expression “committed” suicide. Historically, in the United States and beyond, the act of suicide was deemed a crime. Until as recently as 1963, six states still considered attempted suicide a criminal act. This is so insanely absurd to me that I’m not going to expend any more energy on the history of the topic.

Thankfully laws have changed, but our language has not.   And the residue of shame associated with the committal of a genuine crime, remains attached to suicide.  My brother did NOT commit a crime. He resorted to suicide, which he perceived, in his unwell mind, to be the only possible solution to his tremendous suffering.  If I was telling you about a friend or loved one who actually did commit a crime, chances are that I’d feel at least a little embarrassment or shame on behalf of that person.  But I don’t feel even the tiniest bit of shame about how Jeff died.  Of course, I wish with every fiber of my being that we had been able to successfully help Jeff and that he was alive today.   But shame, nope, I don’t feel that about my brother.  I focus on how proud I am of who he was in his life – passionate, thoughtful beyond words, brilliant, determined, and braver than most people I know, for enduring his pain as long as he did. Yes, Jeff Freeman was a brave, brave man.   As is any person who grapples with deep emotional distress day after day, year after year.

So to say that someone “committed” suicide feels offensive to me and I’m not easily offended. The offense is in the inaccuracy. With that said, I don’t judge people for using this expression – until August 17, 2007, I did the same. But now I don’t. And I humbly ask that you consider the same.
When you have occasion to talk about suicide, please try to refer to someone dying by suicide. By shifting our language around suicide, we have the power to reduce some of the massive shame carried by survivors of suicide. If you feel scared or helpless about what to say to someone you know who’s lost someone to suicide, take comfort in knowing that, by changing your language about suicide, you’re offering a counter cultural act of kindness. It might seem small but the interpersonal and political impact is nothing but huge.

It Will Not Happen In My Family Again!

Things I have learned:

• I will not allow the disease of depression to take another family member without putting up a major fight.
• No one has ever been in the exact situation I am in so thanks for the advice, but honestly you don't know what is best, I do. I do appreciate suggestions, advice, talking and stuff, but I don't have to follow it. Right now I am in control, I do know what I am doing, and I am thinking clearly and in the best interest of my family.
  
• No doctor is going to shut me down and not listen. I proved that this weekend and they actually thanked me after they listened. They could also tell that I knew what I was talking about and that I am capable of dealing with the current situation.
  

Having said all that, I better explain where those comments are coming from. My daughter Marie also suffers from depression. Although hers is very different from my husband, it is also the same. Where Mike would surround himself with positive things, service and good music, Marie has always surrounded herself with depressing music and negative things.

Her medicine was changed in September and never worked. So she was hitting a major low. I talked her into going back to her doctor last week and he gave her a new prescription but she never filled it. I called her most mornings to make sure she was up and taking care of Ethan. Her life revolves around Ethan right now so she was doing the best she could. I bought the house she lives in and made sure Jeffrey moved in downstairs to keep tabs on things when Chris is gone. I have had a plan from the day Marie moved to Utah.
Jeffrey came home Saturday night to find Marie unconscious on the kitchen floor from taking too many sleeping pills. She did not want to die; she just wanted to sleep away the pain. Now some people may say, "what was she thinking." May I correct you, she wasn't thinking. If I have learned one thing about this disease, it keeps the mind captive from thinking. Consequences of your actions is not part of their thought process. The pain she was talking about was not physical it is mental and when your meds are not working you cannot see a light at the end of the tunnel.
Jeffrey called 911 and Marie was taken to the hospital. This was my first encounter with doctors because Marie wasn't conscious to sign a form allowing information to be released to me. They did finally listen to my information even though they couldn't give me info. Naturally it helped them. I had to deal with flights, Red Cross, getting info to her husband in Iraq, etc.
Marie is fine and stable and is being treated in a psychiatric ward. This is a good thing. I put Mike through hospitalization once and it was very helpful. I did a 24 hour flight there and home. I got to see her and she will pull though this. She feels ashamed and stupid, but like I said she was not thinking. I brought Ethan back with me so he can be taken care of. I have ALWAYS had a major problem with child protective services (what a joke) so I told Jeffrey that until I got there if anyone showed up they needed a search warrant to step in my house! So Ethan is with me and having fun. He loves it here with the big yard and dog. He gets to talk to his mommy by phone daily. When Marie is released, she will be living under my care. We will have a controlled environment for her. Part of that will be designed to teach her to take better care of herself and Ethan.
What I have learned from the last few years is that I have an amazing network of friends. I am thankful for all your prayers and love. I am thankful for those who thought for me when I was foggy. Thanks for the rides, packing, talking, food, prayers, and for being a part of my life.

Don't Give Up

One thing I hate the most about depression is how it not only mess up the person with it, but it can and usually does mess up the entire family. Due to my situation, I have had a lot of people talk to me about depression. I have had people suffering from depression as well as family members of those suffering talk to me. I am not an expert or a doctor but I know what I see and what I lived with.
I think that it should be mandatory for a patient suffering with depression to have a healthy person close to the patient designated to attend appointments with them. Patients don't seem to always give the doctor all the information, or they see the doctor on a day they are feeling a bit better. I think I could have given Mike's doctors better information on what was happening and how he sometimes acted. Mike didn't even realize some of the things he was doing, how on earth would he be able to tell a doctor what was going on?
Depression can get so bad for a person they truly don't think straight. All they see surrounds themselves. How the world would be better off without them, how no one really cares about them, or how their friends and family could get along much better without them. In all cases these are incorrect assumptions.
My husband truly felt we would be happier and survive just fine without him. The pain he was suffering was way more then what we would ever suffer with him gone. Some people might even see how well my family is doing and think that this might be true. But it is not. I have a 16 year old that cries when she thinks about the fact that her dad won't be here for her first date let alone her wedding. She has separation anxiety from me because she is afraid I will die and she will be left without a parent. Mike wasn't here to teach her to drive, help her with her math and won't be here to see his grandchildren. There is the pain that it causes my older daughter who suffers from the awful disease of depression. She has seen what it does and doesn't want that to happen to her. There is the scare for my two younger children wonder if they will ever have symptoms of it someday. So I have to be strong, I have to be stable and I have to be a constant study person in their lives.
I have always been a strong independent woman. So I do cope better then most. Mike also made sure that we wouldn't have to struggle too much financially. Most families who lose a loved one from death due to depression aren't as fortunate as I was financially. But who really cares about the money? I would rather have Mike alive then all the money in the world, but even he couldn't see that.
Our marriage wasn't perfect and some times there was a lot of distance between us, but at least we were there for each other most of the time. Now I am alone and I have never felt so lonely in my life. When a marriage is ended like this there is a void that we try to fill with our children, friends or work. I have done that well. My children mean the world to me and I would do anything for them, but there is still void. There is something about a partner that you can't replace with those things.
So no matter how much pain the sufferer of depression is in, it is a false assumption to think the lives of those around you will be better with you gone. A patient diagnosed with cancer will usually fight a hard battle, but for some reason a patient with depression will want to give up. Don't give up. Fight hard and keep looking until you find what will work for you. Don't wait until you are so down you can't hardly get up again. And most of all pray we find a cure. I know I am.

One More Hard Day Coming Up

I was right. My mind played last year over twice. First on Monday and Tuesday because those were the days of the week last year. I kept thinking about what was happening and when and how we were discovering Mike's death. It was almost surreal. Then again on Tuesday and Wednesday it played out because it was the actually dates of things. Sounds weird but Jeffrey said he kind of did the same thing. The first time it was more methodical. The second time it was more sad and there were more tears.
Rachel was off at a summer camp and spent an hour Tuesday night crying in her room with her roommate. I am thankful she had a friend with her. Marie decided to make it her own personal "Depression Awareness Day." Jeffrey and I talked and just had everything run through our heads over and over again. I think I shed more tears hearing about how hard it was for them then I did for myself. Let's hope the 5th isn't a replay of the funeral day.
I actually spent a lot of the day doing yard work, which I hate and Mike loved. So I guess I was still trying to please him and make the yard look good. Strange. I still think about him, us, our family a lot. I suppose I always will, but I am so ready to move on. I would love to find someone who has all Mike's good qualities like patience, kindness, integrity, honesty, and a good work ethic. I would also like to add the qualities I always felt were missing. I would love to have someone who would dote over me, hold me, and love me for who I was no matter what. Someone who isn't afraid to say, "I love you," instead of assuming I could tell by the things he did. Maybe I am unrealistic and asking for the moon, but I want to feel passionately loved next time around. What they heck, don't we all deserve the best for a little while in this life?

Stupid Idea

So for some dumb reason I got on Mike's old lap top today. I wanted to make sure he wasn't getting e-mails from tax clients who didn't know about his passing. Of course I have already ready everything in it, but I went to the folder with my name on it anyway and started reading letters that went back and forth between us. I have to say, some where not real good.
Mike took himself off some of his meds in Nov 07. I didn't put it all together until after the fact but I remember at Christmas time he spoke harshly to me in front of our guests. That was not normal. Then as the new year was getting underway, I noticed several times how Mike would make rude comments to me. This was very out of character for him. I can only remember Mike raising his voice in our home once or twice in 27 years of marriage and that was while he was in a depressed state. Anyway, while he was in Redmond, there was an e-mail exchange between us that wasn't so pleasant. I basically let him know something I spent $75 on to updating my teaching certificate and he hit the roof. I was trying to clarify where he was coming from and he thought I was e-mail bashing with him. Anyway, why I went back and read these is beyond me. It was painful. That was about the time I had a one on one conversation with him on why he was so edgy and harsh. That is when I learned he took himself off his meds. It explained so much about his recent actions that I hadn't understood.
Still I ventured back into those e-mails and brought back all those sad memories. I have done a great job of building a wall around my emotions. It is like I have to be strong for everyone else that I don't take a break and let loose. Even now I read those letters painfully but with no outward emotions slipping out. I can't seem to just let it flow.
I can't be mad at Mike, he was suffering. I can't be happy for him, he just up and quit on us. I can't just move on, I don't know what to move on to. I can be sad for our children. I guess for me I am just numb and currently emotionless.
I have learned that I am an excellent actress for the public!!! (I can fool a lot of people)

Rambling Thoughts

Well it has been an eventful week as always! I fell on Saturday, something I tend to do from time to time. When we bought the house here, Mike liked the fact that there were only two front steps. He was hoping it would lessen the falls. I think I fall just to live up to my name. . . anyway, within the first month here I fell going up the stairs and did a face plant on the front porch in front of Mike. We both just laughed. Only two steps and I still fall over them. So Saturday when I fell down the the two steps in the garage, I just sat there and laughed. Then I realized this fall really hurt. It has been three days and the doctors office still hasn't called me back after the x-rays on my foot. Time for a new doctor! I don't really have a doctor here yet; I just go to the walk in clinic. That is my first mistake!
I just called them for the second time and had to leave a message of course. Oh well good thing I have a high tolerance to pain.
Prayers have been paying off. We found a place for the kids in Utah. That is a burden off my shoulders. Now lets pray that the sale of the farm in Warden goes smoothly and that someone will buy the house in Redmond. I just want to consolidate. Mike could deal with accounts all over and different properties. It is too much for me. I am trying to make it easier for my non financial brain!
I am kind of rambling today because my mind is scattered. I have been trying to finish thank-yous and put away all the stuff from the funeral. It is not that it should take this long, but if you have ever been through this it is hard and sometimes painful. I was looking on line at old e-mails between Mike and I last night. Some where fun and others were hard to read. When he took himself off his medication last December, he thought he felt better but he got agitated easily. That wasn't normal for Mike and it was one of the things that tipped me off to know something was wrong. He wrote a few mean e-mails to me at that time which was really out of character for him. I now understand why and I'm not bitter; I just can't get myself to delete them. Maybe it is because it makes me feel hurt again and feeling hurts is better then feeling nothing. Maybe it helps me to feel justified when I was upset with him so that I don't think it was my fault for his pain and given up hope. The mind is an amazing thing. We allow it do so much to heal and so much to hurt ourselves. Anyway, I am rambling. it is my way of getting out of doing what I have to. Pay bills and write thank-you notes.
By the way, my sister-in-law gave me a book she compiled with all of the messages our friends wrote about Mike. It was really nice to read. It reminded me of the good man he was and how much he did for others. I wish more people could be like Mike, well at least the Mike without depression. That Mike was fun to be with.

He gave up hope and I missed it somehow

In June of 2001, I hospitalized Mike because he was so dysfunctional and showed suicidal tendencies. It was really a good thing in the end and Mike learned a lot. This time I just didn't see it coming. I saw signs of things but never in a million years did I think he would follow through with taking his own life. Back in 2001 when I took him to University of Washington Emergency Center, they asked him if he ever felt suicidal and what he would do if he decided to end his life. He said that he would overdose on his insulin. This was a shock to me because there was nothing I could do about it. He had to have it. I couldn't take away his "weapon" of choice because it also kept him alive.
This time when I felt he was going down hill, I talked to him about it. He said he was losing hope. I kept giving him reasons not to lose hope. Living alone in Redmond during the week didn't help matters. On numerous occasions I would call a close friend of his and have them check on Mike.

In May we were taking a trip back east to pick up our son. I felt like I was trying to get a toddler on a plane; he was so despondent. As we left behind our lives and started visiting new places he perked up and seemed to be enjoying himself. When I asked him how he was, he would say, "not very good." He could hide his pain so well. His obsession at Niagara Falls about how many deaths a year took place there was a bit unnerving. When we arrived back home he was surrounded by family and seemed much happier, but to him the weight of the world was on his shoulders. How would he ever get caught up on his work load? How would he ever get the Redmond house ready to sell? How would he ever make life for his family better? How could he ever make his wife happy? OUCH but those were some of the thoughts running through his head. He felt he was disappointing so many people.

Surviving Depression - When You Are the Healthy One

(I wrote this in Feb. 2007)
You see articles, ads, and even classes to help people who suffer with depression. I have never seen anything to help a person deal with family members who suffer from depression. In fact, I find it hard to be included in the conversations with doctors about how to even care for a family member suffering from depression. So what happens when you are the one who sometimes has to keep everything together and not lose control of life? What happens when you have to be strong for everyone else? You can handle it, you’re the stable one. I have learned that this is not always the case.

In 1983 my husband was diagnosed with clinical depression. Although it was difficult and challenging at times, I felt I dealt with this change in our lives very well. I always had a positive upbeat attitude. I was always smiling and usually cheerful. I had sympathy for his struggles. Then in 2003, our then 19 year old daughter was also diagnosed with depression. They are both on medication for life and for the most part it does its job. These medications do a good job to stabilize people, but they also have side effects and some can affect the depressed person’s relationships with others.

After 24 years of living with this disease in our family, I have learned some things. Those of us who are the “care givers” in the relationship can go through stages like in the grieving process. I list the stages in this order:

The happy, fix everything, caregiver stage
The sad stage
The angry stage
The numb, I don’t care stage, and
The realization stage

At first I tried to hide the disease from others. I was going to stay positive and be there to pull my spouse out of any depressive state. It is hard to do this sometimes when I see him standing in the room staring at his feet and not able to function. I know it will pass in a day or in a week so I just go on. I try to do even more to make life comfortable. If I do talk to friends, some don’t believe me since they have never experienced seeing my family member in this state of mind. It can get difficult to explain why he isn’t with me at an event or explain why his work isn’t getting done. There is still a stigma with depression that makes us want to hide it. I hadn’t realized yet that this disease was going to challenge me just as much.

For years I went in and out of living normal and then taking on the roll of the caregiver. It finally started taking its toll on me and I started to become sad. I was sad that I would never have a normal life with my partner, sad that I had to often deal with the problem alone with no one to talk to, and sad about the ramifications of what depression medications did to our intimate relationship. I started to cry a lot but always in privacy. I had to be strong for everyone. I was afraid of letting them see me down because of what affect it might have on them.

It didn’t take long for this sadness and crying on my part to turn to anger. I began to verbally display my anger to other people. I became very cynical toward my spouse. I even felt I was stuck in a bad relationship with no way out. The negative attitude started at home but eventually began affecting me in public. I talked to people more about the depression. Even worse, my attitude toward men in general was going downhill. It wasn’t unusual for me to bash all men. I became a very angry person. At the same time, I was able to fully function at my job and turn the anger on and off. At times I felt as if I was two different people. The crying also happened much more often.

After all the anger, I just went numb. I quit caring. I quit crying. I didn’t care what I looked like. Sometimes I was even happier withdrawn and away from the world. I had no goals and no desires for the future. Nothing was ever going to change so why bother. I was just existing and passing time.

Eventually I hit the final stage: I realized something needed to change. But where does one start? How do I change? How does someone accept that this is how life might be? Will there ever be happiness again? Not much is going to change for my daughter or husband. They will have to depend on medication for life. What can I do for me and where do I start? That is where I am right now in life.

During this whole process I have gained a lot of weight. My blood pressure is not good and my cholesterol is too high. My husband and I started seeing a therapist and that is bringing a lot of this out in the open. And guess what the therapist told me last week? I’m suffering from depression. At least I don’t need medication; I just need an attitude adjustment.
Grace February 2007
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As an after thought to all this, I believe that those of us in this position don’t necessarily go through the steps in just that order and then it is done. I think we move back and forth and in and out of these stages. And most of the time we don’t see an end too it, causing even more pain. Just because you come to a realization of the problem, doesn’t mean you can move on without falling back into one of the other stages when the next issue arises that you have to deal with.