Sometimes I don't even know where to start, my thoughts are going in many sporadic directions. Sunday started out as a normal day, but by bedtime everything changed. Rachel was in bed and reminded me to come say prayers. So I did and then went back to getting ready for bed. A few minutes later I heard her crying. So I climbed into bed with her and held her while she cried.
When she finally felt like talking, she mentioned that she was afraid dad's death may have been her fault. I knew how she felt, but I also know that his death was his choice. For the last year we where trying to run two households two hours and a ferry ride apart and it was a big mistake. Mike didn't come over that weekend because he would only be able to come for two days and he was planning to come over the following week on the Forth of July for 5 days. By Sunday night he had already decided to take his own life. He had made that choice. He called us and everyone was home so he talked to each one of us. That really wasn't out of the ordinary. I wish I could remember what I did or didn't say that night but I don't. I remember laughing and having a good conversation. Rachel remembers telling him that it was a waste of money and gas to come over for two days. Looking back it made her feel guilty for telling him that. She thought that if she would have told him to come, he may still be alive today. That is a lot of weight on the shoulders of a teenager. We talked and I assured her that he had already made the decision not to come over, but it still hurt. We just sat on the bed and cried and talked. There is so much of her life he won't see now and it hurts her. I don't know how to be a single parent. It is hard. I don't always know what to say or do. I hope I was a comfort to her.
On Monday night she had an anxiety attack. She freaked out over all the stuff she has to do over the next month and acted as if she had to accomplish it all right now. I was patient, but I still don't know the right thing to say to her. She seems to be having these more often and is having less control over them. You can tell a person to calm down and breath deep but you can't make them. I need to get her back to her counselor but she has no time in her schedule...literally. She leaves the house everyday at 6:40am and on some days gets home at 8 or 9 pm. Drivers Ed started Tuesday night so that may have been the reason for the loss of control on Monday.
I throw myself into my exercising or other hobbies that I don't have to much time to dwell on the past. It is still to tender and hurts. So I move forward in life and live everyday the best I can. I wish I knew how to teach that concept to a teenage.