Things have been happening so fast and now it is time to slow down. I'm not sure if I like the fact that I have more time, especially for thinking. We have not been left alone in this house since Mike passed away. My older kids, mom, other family members etc, have been either living with us or coming to visit non-stop. That ended today. This morning my mom & Phil took off after a 5 day visit and then I took my son Jeffrey to the ferry to head to Redmond for a few days before heading back to college.
I didn't think it would be that difficult, but I was close to tears the hour long drive back from the ferry. I tried to call a few friends but it was to hard to talk. I wanted to listen to the radio but the songs where to hard to listen to. I didn't want to think about the future. Suddenly I felt like all this weight was on my shoulders because I am the only adult in the house. If something breaks I have to get it fixed; if there is a problem I have to find the solution; if we get scared...I have to be the brave one. Alone. I really don't like that word. In a way, I couldn't wait to be here by myself in the daytime so I could get lots of stuff done. I still have so much stuff to go through. Rachel is only 15 so she is home after school. She is a great friend to have here right now. I have always been blessed with great kids that have been my friends too. By the way, thanks to wonderful friends who call or write for no reason other then to talk and check up on me. I appreciate it. You are all lifesavers.
But I wasn't expecting these overwhelming emotional feelings to hit me this quickly. I have just wanted to cry all day. I try to be strong for the kids and others, but this time I think I will have to just go cry on Rachel's shoulder. It's my turn.
I miss my grandson too. He was such a joy and blessing to have around.