Monday, January 26, 2009

Emotions Close to the Surface

The last few days have been good, but a lot of things really touched my heart and I shed a few tears. Today completed the sale of my husband's family farm. I have never really been attached to it so I wasn't expecting it to feel so sad. There is nothing left in Eastern Washington to take me over there except for the cemetery. Just a weird feeling.
Speaking of the cemetery, I still haven't even started to get a headstone for Mike's grave. I just haven't been able to deal with that. Maybe it is because it will feel like the final chapter of a favorite book coming to an end. I also can't stand the idea of seeing my name on a gravestone by his. I guess I will have to look at separate markers or something. I just don't want to deal with it yet so I haven't.
On another note, I was touched to see Mike's name listed in the Brigham Young University Magazine under alumni who have passed away. I am sure it is a standard thing for them, but it was special to see. He graduated in 1983 as the top student in the accounting program. There is still a plaque in the Tanner building with his name on it. I have a lot of good memories of our time there.
I also receive a letter from the alumni association today. Mike donated to both Ricks College (BYU-I) and BYU on a regular basis. He had full scholarships to both and his way to pay back what they gave him was to donate so others could have the same opportunities he had received. Due to that support, in this letter it stated that they were going to donate a book to the Herald B Lee Library in his name. It seems like a little thing, but it means a lot.
And finally Rachel and I went to see her therapist (they allow me to go in because Rachel speaks freely around me.) It was a good session but touching. She talked a lot about how we can't do the 'what ifs' or blame ourselves. She talked about how Mike is now free from the pain he was in. It was all stuff I have been stating but it sounded nice coming from a professional. It made us both feel normal to be experiencing some of the stuff that we are experiencing.
We have a long road ahead. Some days are better then others. I usually say I am fine or good when people ask even if it isn't quite the truth. I think I need to learn to let me emotions flow. It is good for the soul. Being able to write freely on this blog has been a great release for me. It also helps to know that people truly do care.


Janice said...

We do care and I love that you share so openly on your blog. I for one think you're doing great! By the way, we are in Mexico and I was hoping to get as good a photo on a whale as you did, but I can't top yours:)

Otter Mum's Den said...

We do care, and I do miss Mike a lot. I am glad he is being honored at his old schools. I was very touched by the tributes from the missionaries who knew him in Korea on his online memory book. I can understand the gravestone thing, having dealt a little less than a year ago with the loss of a woman I considered my adoptive mother here. When I saw her name on the gravestone, I lost it all over again, and seeing the name of her husband with a birth date but no death date because he is still alive, my stomach turned flips. I think you should do separate markers at this point, for Rachel's sake. Seeing your name on the stone next to Mike's would probably make her flip out at this point. It will be hard enough for her to see her dad's name there without being reminded that she will lose you too someday.

Grace Marie said...

Very good advice about the gravestone. I think I can write so openly becasue I write for me and sometimes forget people are reading this! Which is a good thing. I just hope it helps others the way it is helping me. I have truly been blessed with caring friends,family and even strangers to help our family through this. Thanks guys.

Grace Marie said...

and yes, it is cool to read the tributes Mike's former missionary companions left on the online memory book. Some of them I have met, others I don't know.

YokoBarbVA said...

Ask at the stone cutter, if it is critical to add your name and DOB now. Obviously, later they would have to add the death date, so why can't they add all the other info later?
It might be a cost issue, but it can't be any more expensive than having to buy 2 stones?
The important thing is for you and your family to feel comfortatble and at peace with whatever you decide.
Love you and pray for your continued healing and journey. Thank you for sharing it all--good, bad and ugly--with us. You are precious; I hope that you know that!?

Super Angie said...

Grace, You are so brave and I often think of you as a piller standing tall for all to see. Your blog has helped me a lot.

I think its AWESOME that Mike used to donated back to his schools and them donating a book in his name is just so cool!

hljavery said...

I do care about you & Rachel, Jeff, & Marie a lot & think of you almost every day right now & wonder how you're able to handle it all.
Del crossed to the other side of the veil on 28 Jan 2009. So many years of him suffering the ravages of his MS. I wonder how many of the decisions I've made on his behalf regarding his health & care, were really to benefit him or my own selfishness trying to keep him here longer. I hope he forgives me if I kept him alive longer than he & the Lord intended I just couldn't bear the idea of life without him. I still can't get through a day without feeling how empty our room is without all of his medical equipment or a minute feeling that I want to hold him & kiss him & tell how much I love him. I doubt that the feeling will ever go away entirely I just hope that someday I won't feel as hurt, lost & empty as I do right now.