I drove some church youth over to Seattle last Saturday. We had a blast, but there were lots of old memories too. We went to our church's Temple in Seattle and it just felt different without Mike being there. A bit lonely and sad, but thanks to my beliefs I know we will see him again someday.
My first college degree was an AA in pre-family counseling. Kind of ironic when I think about it. I have always been better at helping others with their issues then working on my own! Isn't life funny! Anyway, I have dealt with a lot of loss due to death in my life. I had a good friend in high school die in a car accident, I lost three of my grandparents while in my teens. I lost my dad who I was very close to, when I was 22, then both Mike's parents died that same year. Then my grandma that I was named after died at the age of 101 in 2002. I sang at her funeral as well as my dad's. I was able to due this because of my belief of eternal life. It isn't the end to me when someone dies. It is sad, hard, and lonely but that is just for those of us left behind on earth.
I guess what I am thinking is that death is not a new experience to me. I feel like I am on track with handling Mike's death the same way I have handled the deaths of my loved ones in the past. No, the past experiences were not as imtamently as close as a husband, but it is the same grieving process. One professional I talked to said I have a great 'gift and understanding' to process all this the way I do. I am glad I have been blessed to be a positive and obtmistic person.
I haven't had a big emotional breakdown, but I usually don't. I release my tears slowly over a long period of time, little by little. I talk about Mike's passing easily to friends and strangers. It is not hard for me to understand why he thought the way he did when he took his life. I lived with him for 27 years, I knew how he often felt. It saddens me that I wasn't there for him in his darkest hour. The letter he left shows his great love for his family and friends.
You will never find answers in the "what ifs..." so why try to? I don't need those answers. I need to know what to do for my future and the kids future. I live in the present and cherish the past.
So when you look at the big overall picture, I am doing pretty good. The everyday things like, weeding, painting the trim, mowing, figuring out the heater, car problems, paying the bills, etc that Mike used to take care of can be frustrating but that is because I don't like doing them or I dont' understand them. That can be overwhelming but honestly that is an attitude ajustment on my part and a new learning experience. Thank you for all your caring and love. It also is a great strength and help in moving forward with my life.