Monday, December 7, 2015

Earlier this year, my daughter wrote a beautiful post on Infertility and the difficulty it was to go through. It was an eye opener. So I took her format and wrote what it is like to be a widow. This Christmas season, take care of the widows in your life. It is a hard place to be and none of us asked for the title.

What does it mean to be a widow?
It is making decisions you thought you would never have to make
It is deciding if you want your name on a headstone yet
It is cooking for one
It is candle lite dinners alone
It is trying to figure out where you fit in
It is sitting home lonely because you don't want to be a burden to anyone
It is learning to live alone, for the first time in your life
It is holding yourself together for your children
It is learning to sing and smile again
It is filing paperwork to get what is rightfully yours
It is trying to make everyone happy with your decision
It is a ton of 'why me'
It is piling junk on the bed so the space next to you doesn't seem so empty
It is having the first year of difficult dates pass, when everyone else is over your loss in a week
It is not knowing what to do with your future
It is staying out late with your widow friends so you don't have to go home to an empty house
It is wishing couples wouldn't complain about being married
It is wanting to be surrounded by family during holidays so you won't feel so alone
It is wondering if your kids will call
It is being told not to talk to your friend's husband anymore because you are single
It is being forgotten when your church has a dance or party for couples
It is learning to kill the spiders, fix the electrical issues, and make your own home repairs
It is having a hole in your heart and life
It is not having someone to discuss politics rationally with anymore
It is not having someone's hand to hold when you need strength
It is holding your pet when there is no one to hold you
It is trying to feel love on Valentine's Day
It is hiding the pain of loneliness
It is not wanting to date because you can't ever replace your spouse
It is wanting to date so you don't have to live alone
It is not being invited out with your married friends anymore
It is going out to dinner alone
It is not having someone to kiss on New Year's Eve
It is wondering if you are a horrible person when you move on
It is deciding when to take off your wedding ring
It is depending on God for survival and to walk with you
It is finding out you have joined the Widows Club, a club you didn't want to join with a very high entry price paid


Anonymous said...

Hi Grace, I'm a 23 year old male student at BYU and stumbled upon your blog but accident/inspiration and was taken back by your story and how you've coped with it (so, yes I've read through most of your blog posts now). To be honest, I am quite amazed by your ability to see happiness. I know I lack so much more life experience than you and have really nothing to offer in terms of insights, but what I can say is that hearing what has happened in your life makes me wonder how a suicide in MY life would effect me. I found myself asking the question, would I have handled it as well as Grace?

Going off that, I need to add that at points in my life I have come to have thoughts of actually taking my life. It's scary admitting to that, but truth be told, it's been weighing heavily on my mind even now in my college years. But you have brought a comfort to me that was much needed. A comfort that the Lord saw me in need of. I can't even fathom putting my family through those similar pains you have experienced; and although life is tough, it's not so hard that I would just give up and make everything harder for those I love. So I just wanted to thank you. Thank your for helping me get my head on straight again. Thank you for being so open about your feelings and thoughts about your late husband, Mike. Thank you for showing that life can be enjoyed, no matter what. Thank you.

I'll be purchasing your book.

Grace Marie said...

I want you to know how much your comment touched my heart. Finding the good in day to day life can be hard, but good is there. Learning to have a smile on my face (and practicing to keep it there) has been a challenge some days, but so worth it. Remember that this life is a test so it will be hard. Always get help and don't be ashamed to admit if you need it. I am so glad that church leaders are talking more openly about mental illnesses.

BTW, my late husband was the top graduate of the class of '83 out of the SOA department. There used to be a plaque in the Tanner building with his name on it. It was still there 5 years ago when I checked. The BYU Alumni department also dedicated a book in his honor when he passed away. I think it is in a small building next to the Tanner building where they have a special library. He was an incredible person when he was on his game. Loved Heavenly Father and often said that depression would be one of the plagues of the last days. I just need to remember God knows his heart and he will be judged fairly.

Good luck at BYU! Don't ever give up due to a few bumps in the road, they happen. Our goal is to ride right over those bumps and get up if we get knocked down. Love to you.