It was kind of difficult to sit through conference last weekend and hear them talk about families. I feel a bit disjointed. I am now in a group of single adults with children and it is hard to figure out where you fit in. I spent Monday evening at "back to school night" at the high school. Lots of couples were there. Some parents were by themselves, but I felt very alone. It is an amazing responsibility to raise children, but doing it alone is suddenly overwhelming. I don't have all the answers. There are days when I'm not even the grown-up in the house.
I told Rachel that when she turns 16 next year we could double date for her first date. Of course I was joking, but what mortified her was that I would date at all. She doesn't like the idea of me remarrying and having some strange guy be in her wedding pictures posing as her dad. I guess I can understand that, but my life has to go on.
There are so many questions in my head on what I should do. I could stay home for the next few years, get Rachel off to college, then move somewhere far away from here and the memories and then look for work. Or I could go back to school now and work on my secondary education degree so I can substitute teach. Or I could just sit still and wait for a job to open at the high school as a secretary, but then I would feel committed to stay after Rachel left. I have no idea what I want to do and it is a bit scary. Right now I need to just make it through the holidays and then I can worry about it next year.
Getting back to the dating, I guess if I ever want to date again, I should spend some time on making myself a better catch for someone. See I already had a lot of the things I want in a marriage. I know what was missing in my marriage. So now I want both which means I better start worrying about changing myself. I got a lot of work to do! I'm tired and can't think straight. There is just too much to think about. I guess I will deal with it . . . some other time.