Lesson's Learned

I have been thinking a lot about what I have learned over the last 3 years. There have been good and bad lessons learned. I have learned you will get hurt many times trying to find love again. It makes it hard to open your heart but I believe there is still hope. I have learned just because someone is your friend does not mean you can't trust them with your money. I have also learned that even at my age, some men don't understand no and will try to take advantage of you. No one I went out with, just a dirty old man; somethings never change.
There have also been some good things I have learned. My children are my rock. My extended family is so supportive. My girlfriends are amazing. And even with the bad lessons, I may cry for hours or days, but I can smile, forgive and slowly move on. That is the main thing I have learned. Smile, forgive and move on.

A World Of Opportunities

What a world of opportunities I have in front of me! I cannot say enough, how fun it was to participate in the Global Women's Summit in Los Angeles last weekend. It helped me to realize how to make a few of my dreams come true; very empowering! I met so many wonderful and talented women with such diverse occupations, dreams and skills, but yet all very similar in many ways. It has put me back on track with writing my book too! I have three manuscripts that have been proofed and now I am merging them together to glean the best finished product to get published.
I really appreciate all the support and guidance people have given me. The youth around me are so wonderful! We need to applauded them more often for the amazing things they do. I am thankful so many youth are a part of my life. It has been a pleasure serving the youth at church and at school. In our crazy world they are shinning stars.
The other day when my youngest was have a tough day I sent her a text saying, "You are my sunshine on cloudy days!" and she wrote back, "You are my cup of hot chocolate when my soul gets cold." When she posted it on facebook, she wrote, "I have the best mother in the world."  For the record, I have the best kids in the world and I love them dearly. We need more love in the world. So after you read this, go tell someone you love them. Smile at a stranger, wave to a neighbor, and be polite while driving. All these little things make the world a better place, one person, one deed at a time. So if you are reading this, I love you too!

Now, It Is Finally About Me...For the Most Part!

So I have been living alone for 2 months now for the first time in my life...ever! Again the question is constantly posed to me, "How are you doing?" I like to respond with, "Fine. Have you seen the movie, The Italian Job?" For those of you who haven't seen this movie, fine stands for F-freaked out, I-insecure, N-neurotic and E-emotional! Now having said that, aren't we all a bit 'fine?'  I will admit that I spent the last three years taking care of my kids first and now that I am alone, the first few weeks I broke down and cried more then normal.

After dropping off Rachel at school in Hawaii last July, it took one week of being home alone to go stir crazy! I packed the car and went to California. That was an amazing trip. I traveled where I wanted, when I wanted and saw people and places I wanted to see. This past summer I para-sailed, cave swam, zip lined, rode horses, inter-tubed behind a boat, hiked to a waterfall, road a 1,570 ft sky lift above the Redwoods, hiked to a sea lion cave and played in the Pacific Ocean off of Hawaii, Oregon, and California! I had some great times with special people and great times alone. I even did some grave hunting and found the 1943 grave of my half brother who died as an infant. It was unmarked so I am having a simple marker put on it. I doubt if anyone will ever see it but me, if I get back to Eureka, but it felt good to not leave him in an unmarked grave. It was a great summer.

I was home for a week and again ready to go stir crazy, but then school stated and I worked a little and life settled down. It is really quiet here, sometimes I lay awake all night wondering how to make myself fall asleep.  I do still have fun. It only takes 5 minutes to set up the huge wall screen, so alone I still watch movies.  In one day I can go from starting a new puzzle, to working on the computer, exercising, sitting on the new deck in the sun, reading a book, walking the dog, remembering I forgot to eat, working in the yard (yep, I really do), getting in the hot tub and even cleaning up things every now and then. Once in awhile, someone will talk me into helping out with something and I feel the love of this great small town.

Having said that, I do know what I want for my future. I know it is not something I will easily find here in this small community.  It took a good friend to point this out to me. The question was asked to me, "How many  dates have you gone on here? How easy is it to meet people your age here?" Both answers were not great! So after much thinking, I am going on a new adventure. I am renting out my house for 4 months and moving into a condo/apartment right in the heart of a big city. My older kids and grandson will be closer but not too close. Now I just need all the details to work out and come together!


When you are my age, there is no point in wasting time. I have said it a million times and I will say it again, people who say, "I will be happy when..." or people who are waiting for something but they don't know what, or people who are trying to get things in order first, are losing precious time. They will always be searching and will never find what they want.  It is now my time and if things aren't happening, I am ready to go out and make them happen.

A Beautiful Tribute

So today I was randomly going through files on the computer and trying to find things I can delete when I came across a poem. At first I thought it was a cool poem written by a daughter to her father, but it just fit uncannily to Mike & Rachel, then I realized it was written by Rachel.  I had never seen this before and she will most likely not be happy with me for sharing it, but I think it is beautiful and shows her deep love for her dad.  

 

My Papa, My Daddy, My Father

You were my light in the dark,

The one that kept me from going astray.

My papa, my daddy, my father,

You raised me in every perfect way.

My daddy was an angel down here below,

 Now he’s an angel up where the winds blow.

Far, far away, yet still close to my heart,

I still can’t believe you chose to part.

To part from me, your little helper,

Your little darling girl.

After you left me at only 15,

Daddy who would be the one

 To pester my dates when

 I turned sweet sixteen?

Who’d be the one to see all my shows?

 Or to give me away on that white wedding day?

I wish you would have stayed.

The note that you left me on your now empty bed,

Said, “Leaving you is one of the hardest parts of my decision to leave”.

As I sit here, wiping my tears on my sleeve,

Cold and numb, wishing you were here to save me from this glum.

You chose to be dead,

To overdose on the only thing that was saving you,

The only thing keeping me with you.

Forget all the troubles,

Forget all the pain.

I will only remember the good times that remain.

Where you would tuck me tightly into bed,

Where you would kiss my forehead and wish me sweet dreams.

No matter what, I love you.

My family is forever,

And I can’t wait to see you…

Once again.

Three Years...

I was running around the house my happy normal self when I looked at the calendar and stopped in my tracks. It hit me that Mike died three years ago today. As a family, we are doing very well but dates like today still just creep up on you.
I recently had a conversation with my youngest who doesn't get real excited if I talk about dating or moving on, so I asked her why. She stated that she didn't ever want to see me get that hurt again. "Again?" I asked. "Do you think your dad hurt me?" We went on to have a nice talk and yes she was right, he did hurt me. It was the kind of hurt that no one should have to go through, but, we are all stronger and moving forward.
I am happy that my oldest is doing well and going back to college. I am proud that she is finding ways to stretch herself and learn. She wears her emotions on her sleeve and it is hard to watch her beat up herself sometimes. She is an amazing woman, wife and mother who has survived a lot. I pray someday she will recognize just how much the Lord really does love her. All her experiences will help her be more compassionate and understanding to others hardships.
As for my son, well since I last wrote he has graduated from college and married a fine young lady. We are all excited for them. They will both work at UofU while he applies to schools for his PhD. I am thankful that he was able to continue his education without financial setbacks. He is still the solid rock of this family. I often turn to him for advice and he is mature way beyond his years.
This was also an exciting year for my youngest. She started high school quiet and shy and finished as the Senior class president! She received numerous scholarships for her high GPA and the School Service Award for all her hard work. This past May she did her last high school show playing a Narrator for Joseph and the Technicolor Dream Coat.  She leaves on July 14th for college in Hawaii...LUCKY. Of course I am taking her to school... She had been my best friend these last years and I will miss her.
So the number #1 question our family is now asked, "What is Grace going to do home alone?" The answer, "I have no idea!"  I knew this day would come and it came really fast. I love my house but the yard work is hard to stay on top of. The community here has been wonderful to us. So for now I am taking one room at a time and de-cluttering it. If it hasn't been used in three years, throw it away. Heck if it hasn't been used in one year throw it away!
Biggest concern? I don't like living alone, but I don't want to rent out space in my house. I don't like not having someone to kill the spiders and scary away the spooks at night. I don't like eating alone, going to church alone or relying on others to fix things I can't do. I don't think I will crash after 3 years of taking care of everyone else, but I will be lonely. At least loneliness is something I can control somewhat.
I have the best kids anyone could ask for. They are all different and unique. They are mine and I love them and they have brought me so much joy. Thanks to everyone who has supported me and my family on this roller coaster of life. It isn't over, just constantly changing.

Closure - For the Most Part

I used this blog after my husband died for my therapy. I did not want to go see a shrink, yet I knew I needed to express my thoughts somewhere at any given moment. Most therapy is short term and mine is over now. I am 100% ready to leave it all behind and look to a new future. There will always be moments in life when memories are strong, pain is deep, or tears will flow, but life is like that. I am happy and my heart is healed. My final goal, with this crazy circumstance that was thrown on me, was to write a book. I did. I don't know if it will ever get picked up by a publisher but it has been sent in. I gave it the Title "Grace Under Pressure," a title an old friend  suggested. Thanks Gene. I have meet my goal and I am ready to stop writing this blog. Maybe someday I will start a new blog. Thanks for all your support and love. You will always find me on facebook!
If the book is ever published, I hope you will read it. There are a few extra chapters in it. If you ever want or need a motivational speaker who has smiled through adversity, let me know.  Motivational speaking is my next big goal!!!
"If you ever become discouraged or feel too weak to continue living...remember the strength you can receive through the enabling power of grace. You can find comfort and assurance in these words of the Lord, 'My grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them'" (Ether 12:27) 

Three Important Lessons

Back in the 70's, I was in the Oakland Temple Pageant and it had a major impact in my life. I think that is when I first realized that the religious things I had been taught from time to time, were real. It was hard to live my life religiously when my family wasn't religious. That was the major decision for leaving home to go to a private church college. Due to those decisions as a teenager, my life started a slow process of change for the better.

I work with the youth in my job and at my church. I really wonder sometimes if they realize

1. how short life really is
2. that what they do now really does matter to their future
3. in the end, very few, if any, friends will be there for them, sometime even family won't be there but our relationship with the Savior will only change if we do, He will always be there

I watch the youth a lot and some absolutely amaze me. Others I worry about. Life is to short to throw away. We all assume we will live long happy lives but that isn't what happens. Good people die young too, and we never know what our future holds. We can hope for cures and a safer world but there will always be new diseases and issues that will affect the world. Bad decisions others make can play a role in our life. What we need to do is learn to love life now. Learn to use the situations we are confronted with to become better people. The statement, "I will be happen when..." needs to be deleted from our vocabulary. Be happy now, do things now that will make your future more enjoyable.

What we do now has a huge affect on our future. The more dishonest you are now the harder it will be to be honest in your future. The attitude one has about morality and dress standards as a youth are usually carried on in life and very hard to change. The work ethic you set in high school and college will most likely be the same as you have for a job or with your family. Positive change is one of the hardest things to succeed in. It is possible, but the older you get, it seems the harder it is to make changes. I can look back in my life and see some of the decisions that I made and how they change the path I was on. Fortunately most of them were good decisions but not all of them.

I am one of the few people that can say my childhood friend has stood by me my entire life. Maybe that is because I am the only 'family' from her past that she has. Friends are important to have but they can often change throughout life. Everyone always says at high school graduation that they will keep in touch but it rarely happens. Fortunately with the internet we can reconnect a lot easier with people. Even families can drift apart, but the one constant is Christ. He doesn't leave or change, we do. It is like the picture of him at the door but he can't come in unless we open it.

Humans are good at rationalizing anything to make it alright. If we practice rationalizing enough, we can truly start to believe ourselves. The theme for our youth at church this year has been around for a long time. This time when it was introduced it really hit me, this is a good motto for life. It gives me hope and yet guidelines to practice bettering myself. I just pray as I work with the youth at church, they will grasp the importance of this theme and use it to better their lives.

“We believe in being honest, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, and in doing good to all men; indeed, we may say that we follow the admonition of Paul—We believe all things, we hope all things, we have endured many things, and hope to be able to endure all things. If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, we seek after these things” (Articles of Faith 1:13).