Festivals, Photos, Friends and Challenges

It has been a busy week, but what else is new in our fast paced American lives? Last weekend was the Lavender Festival in Sequim and I had 4 UW college students come for the festivities. We had a lot of fun. We also went to the game farm to see the animals. I let Suzanne drive my car with Susan and Catherine up front so they could see the animals up close and personal! It was very funny to see Catherine leap away from the window when a yak decide to stick his head in!!! Fun times.
Rachel also had some portraits taken. She has wanted to take them with the pickup for a long time so we took dad's old 66 Chevy and grandpa Chumley's old cowboy hat and had some fun. She has done some great editing to the photos for color emphasis but I don't have those on my computer. She is very good at photo editing. So it has been a fun busy summer so far.
She is sure growing up fast!

This past week Rachel was off to cheer camp
so I did a little traveling. I saw my mom and Phil. Then I went to lunch and dinner with a lot of different dear friends and spent some time with the Munks. So it was a fun trip for me. By the time I picked up the girls from cheer camp, we were all ready to go home.
Now that we are home, well it is boring and I am back to the same old stuff. Mow the lawn, file papers, go through boxes of stuff. . . it can really get old. That will keep me busy for awhile until I get restless and want to go again!
On another note, I find it interesting that even when we are happy and enjoying life, we really never seem to be completely happy with ourselves. We are very critical of ourselves. For example, instead of focusing on my smile, every now and then I find myself focusing on my weight. I guess it doesn't help when I come back from my mom's place. I told her I was going to go in her bathroom to take a shower and she asked me if I would fit in her shower because it is small. Excuse me? Just because she weighs 100 pounds doesn't mean I am that huge! I have dealt with that all my life with her. I guess I didn't get her metabolism. It makes me feel like I will never be good enough for any one unless I get thin. What is with that and why do we do that to ourselves? True confessions from my marriage? I never did feel good enough for Mike. There was always something wrong with me. I don't ever want to feel like that again!!! We always said he was honest to a fault, (if that is even possible.) If I walked downstairs ready to go somewhere, instead of complimenting me he would point out what was wrong. One time he told me the color of my dress wasn't appropriate for church...WHAT? We have church colors??? Anyway living with that and my mother, I guess sometimes I let it get to me and I go off track. I love who I am. I can always get better. I don't need the world to tell me what I should or shouldn't look like. Now if I can just believe that 100% of the time and not let the world's standards get to me...

Made My Day!

If there is one thing that can make my day, it is when my smile and happiness can change someone else's day! I walked out of a store today, the sun was shinning, I was smiling and my hair looked great! As I was walking to my car a lady and her friend were walking by and she said, "wow, you look really happy!" I told her thanks, we all smiled and she stated as she walked away that more people needed to be that happy! It felt wonderful and we all went off happy and with smiles. What a great thing a smile is.

Miscellaneous Wandering of the Mind

What a week. I had one really bad day when everything went wrong. I just about broke into tears several times in public. Not sure what was going on other then I was trying to tackle stupid little things I never used to have to deal with. I went to Sears 4 times that day! Lots of parts and $50 later, the lawnmower grass catcher still doesn't work! But I got a new weed wacker and I like it.
I got my third notice from Consumer Reports that they automatically extended Mike's subscription and want to be paid. No where on the invoice is there a phone number to call so I then checked the web site. No number. For the third time (but this time with a little more passion) I scribbled in black marker, "HE IS DECEASED! If you would put a phone number on here I would call you to cancel this. DON'T SEND ME ANY MORE BILLS or Magazines!" I was so frustrated with these guys. They make it so hard to stop the subscription. Just a lot of little things that day.
But life always gets better. I have been doing a lot of cleaning and throwing away stuff. That is enjoyable to do. I just have to tackle my office and bedroom! After I had cleaned all day, Rachel and her friend Laura got in the hot tub. I planned to join them but got busy on the phone instead. About 11 Rachel heard a knock on the kitchen window that sent her to the floor screaming! There were definitely people outside, but who? All the boys were on a 50 mile bike trip in the San Juan Islands. I had the girls turn out all the lights so we could see out and sure enough two things dressed in black were running around. I knew they were friends, so I eventually scared them and the girls came in the house to join us. We started another movie and then talked until 4am. As I was crawling into bed I noticed a light coming in from outside and thought I left the back porch light on. Upon further examination I realized the light was coming from the horizon! I managed to fall asleep but at 6am I woke up to a start. I could hear water running and the cat running up and down the hall in a panic. I jumped up to find the water in my bathroom tub was running! When I found the cat he was all wet. I can only guess that he was in the big tub and went to jump out and pulled on the handle falling back in and getting wet!!! Crazy cat. Needless to say as always, a bad day at the beginning of the week didn't keep me from having a good time the rest of the week.
Today I even enjoyed mowing the lawn with my new safety headphones with an I-Pod attachment. Nothing like sun, music and dancing to the tunes while sitting on my lawnmower.... okay so I did look a bit odd. I think my neighbors thought I was nuts because when I finished I was hot and gross so I ran through the sprinklers in my clothes......

July 5th Not the Best Day of the Year...

July 5th 2002 around 1:00 we were driving toward Salmon, Idaho after dropping Marie off at college. Mike fell asleep at the wheel and we rolled at least three times. I still have vivid memories of being trapped in the car wondering where and how my children were, the jaws of life cutting me out, the ambulance ride, and the months of rehab. My body will be recovering from that for the rest of my life. I am sure my family and friends have noticed I usually do all the driving. I still can have flashbacks of rolling and I just feel safer behind the wheel. It still amazes me that Mike and the kids walked away from this.

July 5th 2008 was the day of Mike's funeral. It was a very beautiful service. I will never forget my friend staying close by just to hand me Kleenex. That was touching to me. She wasn't sure how else to help and yet that was one of the best things she could have done. The worst memory of that day was after they put the cassette in the car, the funeral director asked me if I wanted to say goodbye before they closed the door. I thought to myself, what kind of a question is that. Of course I didn't want to say good-bye, I never wanted to say good-bye. This wasn't even supposed to be happening. I was too young to be a widow.

So you can see, July 5th isn't exactly my favorite day of the year.

One More Hard Day Coming Up

I was right. My mind played last year over twice. First on Monday and Tuesday because those were the days of the week last year. I kept thinking about what was happening and when and how we were discovering Mike's death. It was almost surreal. Then again on Tuesday and Wednesday it played out because it was the actually dates of things. Sounds weird but Jeffrey said he kind of did the same thing. The first time it was more methodical. The second time it was more sad and there were more tears.
Rachel was off at a summer camp and spent an hour Tuesday night crying in her room with her roommate. I am thankful she had a friend with her. Marie decided to make it her own personal "Depression Awareness Day." Jeffrey and I talked and just had everything run through our heads over and over again. I think I shed more tears hearing about how hard it was for them then I did for myself. Let's hope the 5th isn't a replay of the funeral day.
I actually spent a lot of the day doing yard work, which I hate and Mike loved. So I guess I was still trying to please him and make the yard look good. Strange. I still think about him, us, our family a lot. I suppose I always will, but I am so ready to move on. I would love to find someone who has all Mike's good qualities like patience, kindness, integrity, honesty, and a good work ethic. I would also like to add the qualities I always felt were missing. I would love to have someone who would dote over me, hold me, and love me for who I was no matter what. Someone who isn't afraid to say, "I love you," instead of assuming I could tell by the things he did. Maybe I am unrealistic and asking for the moon, but I want to feel passionately loved next time around. What they heck, don't we all deserve the best for a little while in this life?