Words Spoken or Written Can Be Powerful

I recently posted a thought on my FB status that has really caused me to think...imagine that!  I learned a long time ago to choose my battles wisely, but choosing my words wisely has been more difficult and come with a much high cost. Words can be spoken with feelings of love, support, kindness and understanding or with hurt, pain, deception and anger, and once spoken, they can't be retracted. 
I can think of words that should have been spoken more like "I love you" and words that could have been spoken less like "I, me, and you," used in the wrong way. This week I spoke up once and actually misjudged, spoke unkindly and was way out of line and twice this week when I wanted to rip someone's head off, I kept my mouth shut. So how do you know when to speak up and when to shut up? 
A good guide to that question might be to speak when it is uplifting, kind or at least done in a loving tone. If what you want to say is a jab, rude, hurtful and just to get back at someone, I guess that would be a good time to bite your tongue. What if the other person doesn't realize how rude or mean their behavior is, well I guess that is their problem to learn from!  It is just frustrating when something becomes a topic of gossip. 
Thought to self: is it really gossip if the party talking was involved in a situation first hand? I guess if it leads someone else to believe in a falsehood, it could be...interesting. 
I also learned that there is no such thing as constructive criticism. Criticism is criticism. Even if you give it in a constructive manner it is still criticism. Words spoken or written can be very powerful. 
So with my first encounter this week, I quickly apologized and made adjustments to my thinking. With the second incident, I tried to smother the other person with kindness and love and with the last incident I ignored it. I know the truth and that is all that matters, others can think what they want and so be it. Which one do I feel best about? The middle one, smothering the person at fault with kindness. Hard yes, but at least my conscience is clear.

A Start At Thinking Clearly

Sometimes it takes the intelligence of someone else to help us gain our perceptive back. Thanks to a patient teenager, who lives outside the walls of our home, I learned some valuable lessons today. It also opened a flood gate of tears that have probably been backed up since my mom passed away. So I guess it was good to finally let loose and cry. The fact that I had just finished putting on my make-up was a pain but it also enriched the reality of my errors.
We all make little and big mistakes in our lives but owning up to them is hard. If I recognize the mistake, I am willing to own up to it quickly and recognize where I was at fault. The step after of forgiving ourselves, is more difficult for me. It is often harder to forgive ourselves.
So what did I learn . . . again, I believe we often learn the same lessons over and over until we get it right, well I learned:

1. Don't judge unless you are in a court room or have authority. If you only have bits and pieces of the information your judgments will be in error.
2. Be quick to recognize when you are at fault. There is nothing worse then a friend who won't admit they made a mistake.  
3. Be loving and compassionate. The written word even with good intentions can be misread. If you have a problem talk directly to someone with love and compassion so information is accurate. 
4. Trust people who have earned your trust and don't keep making them re-earn it.

It is amazing how much we can learn from our mistakes if we are teachable. I know I learned a lot this time around and I am thankful for a wise youth that can easily forgive.
As for being so emotional? I just went to a spiritual education week full of classes and couldn't bring myself to attend hardly any of them. Maybe I needed to have a good cry and didn't want to do that in front of people so my emotions were very guarded and I stayed away from things that might touch me. I haven't slept much so I know I am not thinking clearly. When I have too much time on my hands, like the 15 hour drive we just did, I tend to think too much or blast music in my headphones so I don't have to think. Which is odd since the lyrics often make me think more.  Oh well, now I have a whole day at home and all I can do is think.
Thank you to all my patient friends who are guiding me through the lessons of life. I believe it is time now to go get a cup of cocoa, sit by the fireplace, work on forgiving myself for stupid mistakes, and 'think' about what the next step is in my life.

Farewell To A Wonderful Mother

What a crazy week. My mom has been living with her high school sweetheart for the last 13 years in Vancouver WA. I had never seen her happier. Since my moms passing my heart has ached for him more than anyone. I drove down Wednesday afternoon and picked Phil up and then we started the two day drive to California. We had a  lot of laughs and a few tears on that drive.
Earlier in the week, I had talked to my sisters and we decided that mom would want everyone there, so we arranged for all the grandchildren to be able to fly in that were far away. Every one of her children, grandchildren and great grandchildren (except for one week old Aalleai and her mom) were there. We kept things simple but beautiful. After Jeffrey gave a short message on John 14:27, we had what I like to call a living eulogy. Everyone told a favorite memory about grandma. It was awesome to hear the different relationships everyone had with her. If there was one thing constant in all of it, it was that we recognized the wonderful change in her after Phil came into her life. It is also gatherings like this that we regret the time we didn't spend together that we could have.
One of the favorite memories of mom was whenever you went to a restaurant with her, she would always blow the straw paper at some unexpected diner at the table. Without fail she always did this. So Danel, my sister, spoke about that and then blow a straw paper for mom. There where also straws in some of the flower arrangements! What a fun memory. It was interesting to see how different she was at different times of her life. After my dad passes away in 1982, she was more nervous, scared and  worried. When Phil came into her life she changed to playful and calm. Amazing how someone can bring such comfort to a person that there is such a noticeable difference.
After the service, we went to the cemetery and Jeffrey dedicated the grave. So much responsibility has fallen on that young man and he has always handled it so well. It was wonderful to see my sisters and nieces and nephews. They are strong wonderful young people. I love to see how unique and strong each one of them have become. They have survived well the insanity of our family!
After everything was over, we drove to a local restaurant and had a great time socializing. You can imagine with 30 people in a restaurant there were straw  papers flying everywhere in honor of mom. I think mom would have been pleased. It is sad that in this world of constant change, we live so far apart that it takes something like this for cousins to get to know each other better. With all the crazy stuff going on, our family isn't so bad now is it?

Too Many Emotions for 24 Hours!

On Sunday night, Jeffrey called to tell us he was formally engaged. He had told me a few days earlier it was going to take place, so it wasn't shocking or anything. We talked about how it happened and what the plans were. Then of course I sent out an e-mail to tons of friends and family. He asked me if there was anyone I thought he should call, like grandma. Well it was about 9pm and I figured that the rehab facility she was in had already put her to bed, so I told him to call her in the morning.
I have learned over the years that when a call comes in before normal waking hours it usually is not very good. So at 5:30am when my phone rang and I saw that it was my mom's love Phil, I knew it wasn't good. Through tears and anguish he told me that my mom had passed away in her sleep at 5:15am. I was shocked. She was doing so well and improving so much everyday. We were both in shock.
As he left to go to the center to see her, I called my sister. She was shocked too. We had both just been to see her and she was doing so well. After the stroke two weeks earlier mom had already gained the mobility of her right hand back and was even feeding herself. I called the rehab center in hopes, I guess, that there had been a mistake made. No mistake. In fact a lot of apologizes for not calling me first as next of kin and power of attorney. I was so glad that called Phil first.
As you can imagine, I couldn't go back to sleep. It was a bit early but I started to gather information that I would need like addresses of the funeral homes, cemetery, relatives, etc. I was already to start taking care of things by the time it was 9. The mortuary in Vancouver was a bit more difficult to work with then the one in Petaluma where she needed to be shipped, but we got everything taken care of. At times like these you go into this numb state of just having to get things done. I am good at that.
In the mist of dealing with all of this, I had to go to an appointment for my aunt with the rehab center she is at. Well I walked in 5 minutes late and everyone is sitting there and my aunt blurts out, "always late aren't you." May I say in my defense that I am not always late. I am often late when dealing with her just because I have to get in the right frame of mind! Anyway, I stood in the doorway and just blurted out, "Donna, my mom passed away this morning." Of course everyone sat there not knowing what to do or say while I realized the my mom was also Donna's sister. So I chuckled and said, "you are right, I am always late. Thanks for making me laugh for a minute." We hugged and shed a quick tear and then got down to business.
Now remember, my son just got engaged and then my mom passed away. Now I am sitting in this meeting being told that Donna could be released on the 25th but had to go home to 24 hour care and could she come to my home...  Let's just say I sat there in a daze shaking my head and saying yes because she is family and what else am I supposed to do? My head was spinning and the walls were closing in.
After arriving home, I started to realize I could not do this to my daughter her senior year. I could not do this to myself. I don't have the strength physically, spiritually or mentally. Fortunately I was able to talk to my Bishop who agreed that we needed to find a better way to take care of Donna. I felt some relief and then went back to making the arrangements for my mom.

How Do You Survive?

I recently talked to a friend who was in a business relationship with someone who suffered from depression. They stated that it was so hard because things could change so quickly and this business relationship was only for a few years. Then came the statement I often get. How did you survive 27 years of marriage under those circumstances? They had a small taste from a different kind of relationship and could see how it must have been incredibly hard. There was empathy and understanding between us.
So how do we survive situations like that for long periods of time? Some people are in denial. They don't want to accept or admit that there is a problem. Some are enablers, some try to fix the problem while the person walks all over them. Some are angry or scared and run from the problem and some know how to love unconditionally. I would like to say that I was mostly the last one and tried to love unconditionally. But honestly, I was a little bit of everything. Especially after being in a relationship with someone who suffers from depression for so long. You go through all of it and there are good days and bad days. I just like to think I went through it better then most so that is why I hung on for so long.
I have also found that generally I can spot someone who suffers from depression pretty quickly. I can see it in how they treat people, their mannerisms, what they say and how they say it. If I am around them for very long I can see it in their body language. I guess that is a gift I now have after living with a depressed person for 27 years. But it is still difficult to know if it is what I call situational depression or if it is clinical and life long. We all go through situational depression in life. It is how quickly we can bring ourselves out of it or if we can even bring ourselves out of it that is the determining factor.
I believe counseling is good for all people from time to time. You don't have to be sick or insane to see a psychiatrist or marriage counselor. You just have to make sure it is a good one. For me, my counseling sessions are between me and a friend and they are free! It really is great to have friends who listen and a blog that gives me the chance to express myself. It is my therapy and it is free, but I don't suffer from depression either.