Thursday, February 19, 2009

Stupid Idea

So for some dumb reason I got on Mike's old lap top today. I wanted to make sure he wasn't getting e-mails from tax clients who didn't know about his passing. Of course I have already ready everything in it, but I went to the folder with my name on it anyway and started reading letters that went back and forth between us. I have to say, some where not real good.
Mike took himself off some of his meds in Nov 07. I didn't put it all together until after the fact but I remember at Christmas time he spoke harshly to me in front of our guests. That was not normal. Then as the new year was getting underway, I noticed several times how Mike would make rude comments to me. This was very out of character for him. I can only remember Mike raising his voice in our home once or twice in 27 years of marriage and that was while he was in a depressed state. Anyway, while he was in Redmond, there was an e-mail exchange between us that wasn't so pleasant. I basically let him know something I spent $75 on to updating my teaching certificate and he hit the roof. I was trying to clarify where he was coming from and he thought I was e-mail bashing with him. Anyway, why I went back and read these is beyond me. It was painful. That was about the time I had a one on one conversation with him on why he was so edgy and harsh. That is when I learned he took himself off his meds. It explained so much about his recent actions that I hadn't understood.
Still I ventured back into those e-mails and brought back all those sad memories. I have done a great job of building a wall around my emotions. It is like I have to be strong for everyone else that I don't take a break and let loose. Even now I read those letters painfully but with no outward emotions slipping out. I can't seem to just let it flow.
I can't be mad at Mike, he was suffering. I can't be happy for him, he just up and quit on us. I can't just move on, I don't know what to move on to. I can be sad for our children. I guess for me I am just numb and currently emotionless.
I have learned that I am an excellent actress for the public!!! (I can fool a lot of people)

8 comments:

Marie said...

It's really unhealthy to keep your emotions bottled up. I know you let them out a little bit here on the blog, but maybe you need to allow yourself to have a good cry sometime.

Love you

Grace Marie said...

Would you believe me if I said I can't? I don't know why, but I can't just get mad and let it all out.

luvbug said...

I am right there with you. It is hard for me to express things outwardly. Usually I turn it into something else like exercising or some other crazy obsession.

I haven't ever had to suffer through anything like this, I wish I had any piece of advice that would help. I have a friend who watches sad movies to cry at, but I almost never cry at that type of thing.

You have great compassion and I admire your strength.

Janice said...

be patient, it will come. probably when you least expect it, but allow it and feel it for what it's worth. when you're ready you'll be able to let it go. hang in there, you've got lots of support, even far away:)

Super Angie said...

Grace, not only are you a great actress, but a beautiful one too! ;)

I always loved seeing you at church because I knew you would be chipper and happy and smiling.

What a wonderful example you continue to be to so many. I love you!

SuperMomma said...

Grace, I love you so much. I know we haven't spent much time together, but I think of you like an Aunt or something. I love spending time with you, I hope you and Rachel will come over for dinner again soon and just watch girl movies or something! Thank you so much for introducing me to Marie, I really enjoyed hanging out with her and Ethan while both our husbands were away for the Army. PLEASE let me know when we can hang out! Dede

Otter Mum's Den said...

Hugs!

JV said...

Grace,

Sometimes the pain is too intense for us to deal with, so we are numb, until there is enough distance or whatever we need to be able to handle it. We cope and move on through our lives sometimes not even realizing how, until one day it happens, the numbness cracks, and we deal with the pain. Sometimes this happens in several bursts, over a period of time, sometimes it happens in one big gusher... it's different for different people. Be patient with yourself. When the time is right you will know it, and God will have his arms around you then, as he does now. You and the kids are always in our thoughts and prayers. -- Jan V