So for some dumb reason I got on Mike's old lap top today. I wanted to make sure he wasn't getting e-mails from tax clients who didn't know about his passing. Of course I have already ready everything in it, but I went to the folder with my name on it anyway and started reading letters that went back and forth between us. I have to say, some where not real good.
Mike took himself off some of his meds in Nov 07. I didn't put it all together until after the fact but I remember at Christmas time he spoke harshly to me in front of our guests. That was not normal. Then as the new year was getting underway, I noticed several times how Mike would make rude comments to me. This was very out of character for him. I can only remember Mike raising his voice in our home once or twice in 27 years of marriage and that was while he was in a depressed state. Anyway, while he was in Redmond, there was an e-mail exchange between us that wasn't so pleasant. I basically let him know something I spent $75 on to updating my teaching certificate and he hit the roof. I was trying to clarify where he was coming from and he thought I was e-mail bashing with him. Anyway, why I went back and read these is beyond me. It was painful. That was about the time I had a one on one conversation with him on why he was so edgy and harsh. That is when I learned he took himself off his meds. It explained so much about his recent actions that I hadn't understood.
Still I ventured back into those e-mails and brought back all those sad memories. I have done a great job of building a wall around my emotions. It is like I have to be strong for everyone else that I don't take a break and let loose. Even now I read those letters painfully but with no outward emotions slipping out. I can't seem to just let it flow.
I can't be mad at Mike, he was suffering. I can't be happy for him, he just up and quit on us. I can't just move on, I don't know what to move on to. I can be sad for our children. I guess for me I am just numb and currently emotionless.
I have learned that I am an excellent actress for the public!!! (I can fool a lot of people)
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Didn't Expect That
I was showing our exchange student some family videos of Marie and Rachel singing and she asked if Jeffrey sang. I said yes then found the graduation CD we had from 2004. He sang at graduation so I looked for it. On the CD Mike represented the school parent board and said a few words then handed out awards. Rachel sat frozen. I just listened to his voice for the first time in 8 months. It was . . . well let's just say a lot of emotions were flying around. Kind of hard.
Today I went to an exercise class and broke the one and only Valentine necklace Mike ever gave me. Normally he would try to give us all a card, candy, or balloon if he was feeling good. In fact he was better with Valentine's Day then Christmas, our anniversary, my birthday or any other special day. With Valentine's Day this week, we are not off to a good start in the emotions department.
Today I went to an exercise class and broke the one and only Valentine necklace Mike ever gave me. Normally he would try to give us all a card, candy, or balloon if he was feeling good. In fact he was better with Valentine's Day then Christmas, our anniversary, my birthday or any other special day. With Valentine's Day this week, we are not off to a good start in the emotions department.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Life Goes On
Life has been busy lately, but what is new. We miss out on a lot of life because we are too busy to enjoy it. So I try to enjoy being busy! Rachel has been doing well lately with less anxiety attacks. Even with the minor issues my kids might face, I think I have pretty great kids!
Right now we have a French exchange student with us for three weeks and Alice and Rachel are getting along great. It has been fun to have her here. Our house can be quiet so we have the church kids come over a lot.
I spent last week substituting at the high school in ISS (in school suspension.) It was interesting to see the students that come in. Unfortunately a lot of them come from families that don't seem to care about their student's education. It is sad. Others are just to smart for the average classroom and act up out of boredom. Instead of making them sit quietly, I often engaged them in conversations of history and government issues. It was interesting. I spent some of my time applying for my credentials to be updated and activated so I can actually substitute teach in the classroom. I usually sub in ISS or the office where you don't have to have your teachers certificate. So I am moving forward into new adventures.
Well this week is Valentines Day. During the last 15 years of Mike's illnesses, I learned never to expect anything and then when he did do something it was a pleasant surprise. There were many years he did nothing for my birthday, our anniversary and there were even a few years he didn't even give me a Christmas gift. It was hard for me at first but I learned it was often the disease and not really Mike. What he did or didn't do often depended on how he was feeling. He took himself off his depression meds in November 2007. Christmas 2007 we had 15 people at the house. After all the gifts were opened someone asked what Mike had given me. The answer was nothing, so about an hour after all the gifts were open he gave me a 3x5 card with a picture of a movie camera on it that I wanted and he told me he would buy it for me. It was no surprise to me that I never got the camera from him. As you can see for years I have had to put aside my feelings and realize that Mike's health kept him from being what we would call "normal." One e-mail I received from him in about April of 2008 he said, "I am sincerely sorry for all the pain I have caused you and the children for so many years. My only solace is that I have done the best that I knew how." I think he knew where he fell short and he didn't need us to point it out. We had good times and bad times like all couples. We chose to stay together and stick it out. The only regret I have is that he knew how hard it was for me sometimes and I think that made it harder on him.
So as we approach Valentine's Day, be thankful. Show your family, friends and special someone how much they mean to you without expecting anything back. If we expect something back, we are setting ourselves up for a fall if nothing is given. It is better to give then to receive (although receiving is nice too!)
PS. One of the fun things we did one Valentine's Day was to cut out TONS of hearts and put them all over Mike's car when it was parked somewhere else. He came out to a "heart attack" car. It was cheap, easy and lots of fun.
Right now we have a French exchange student with us for three weeks and Alice and Rachel are getting along great. It has been fun to have her here. Our house can be quiet so we have the church kids come over a lot.
I spent last week substituting at the high school in ISS (in school suspension.) It was interesting to see the students that come in. Unfortunately a lot of them come from families that don't seem to care about their student's education. It is sad. Others are just to smart for the average classroom and act up out of boredom. Instead of making them sit quietly, I often engaged them in conversations of history and government issues. It was interesting. I spent some of my time applying for my credentials to be updated and activated so I can actually substitute teach in the classroom. I usually sub in ISS or the office where you don't have to have your teachers certificate. So I am moving forward into new adventures.
Well this week is Valentines Day. During the last 15 years of Mike's illnesses, I learned never to expect anything and then when he did do something it was a pleasant surprise. There were many years he did nothing for my birthday, our anniversary and there were even a few years he didn't even give me a Christmas gift. It was hard for me at first but I learned it was often the disease and not really Mike. What he did or didn't do often depended on how he was feeling. He took himself off his depression meds in November 2007. Christmas 2007 we had 15 people at the house. After all the gifts were opened someone asked what Mike had given me. The answer was nothing, so about an hour after all the gifts were open he gave me a 3x5 card with a picture of a movie camera on it that I wanted and he told me he would buy it for me. It was no surprise to me that I never got the camera from him. As you can see for years I have had to put aside my feelings and realize that Mike's health kept him from being what we would call "normal." One e-mail I received from him in about April of 2008 he said, "I am sincerely sorry for all the pain I have caused you and the children for so many years. My only solace is that I have done the best that I knew how." I think he knew where he fell short and he didn't need us to point it out. We had good times and bad times like all couples. We chose to stay together and stick it out. The only regret I have is that he knew how hard it was for me sometimes and I think that made it harder on him.
So as we approach Valentine's Day, be thankful. Show your family, friends and special someone how much they mean to you without expecting anything back. If we expect something back, we are setting ourselves up for a fall if nothing is given. It is better to give then to receive (although receiving is nice too!)
PS. One of the fun things we did one Valentine's Day was to cut out TONS of hearts and put them all over Mike's car when it was parked somewhere else. He came out to a "heart attack" car. It was cheap, easy and lots of fun.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Beneficiary of a Sad Situation
My husband was a CPA (certified public accountant) and an auto mechanic. I know, it is a strange combination. One of the things he did for Marie and Jeffrey, was to rebuild a car and then give it to them. It happened to be whatever car he got at the time and yes Jeffrey got the better deal. Rachel and Mike always talked about getting a mini cooper and fixing it up. Before we moved, Mike inherited a nice red Jeep that needed a new motor. We drove it to the new place but it never got fixed. Having only one dependable car and two drivers, with Rachel turning 16 in March, I thought it would be a good idea to get the Jeep fixed. We got it back this week and it runs wonderful. I have called it Rachel's car because she will wind up driv
ing it the most. Eventually Mike would have found a car to fix for her anyway.
Rachel said to me the other day, "I am so spoiled." Not really. It is a better car then her siblings got and she did get it at a younger age, but at what cost?
I think that all of us would rather have Mike here and be scraping by like the rest of America. Because of Mike's planning, he set things up properly for us. I have the ability to get a few nice things I have wanted, pay for food and parties for Rachel's and her friends and keep the kids in college and live comfortably. Rachel hardly ever asks for anything. So is she spoiled? No just the beneficiary of a sad situation. We would give all the nice things back if it would mean Mike was here to finish raising the kids with me.
Love your family while you have them. Don't judge others for the choices they make. And finally, go do some good to make a positive difference in the world today.
ing it the most. Eventually Mike would have found a car to fix for her anyway.Rachel said to me the other day, "I am so spoiled." Not really. It is a better car then her siblings got and she did get it at a younger age, but at what cost?
I think that all of us would rather have Mike here and be scraping by like the rest of America. Because of Mike's planning, he set things up properly for us. I have the ability to get a few nice things I have wanted, pay for food and parties for Rachel's and her friends and keep the kids in college and live comfortably. Rachel hardly ever asks for anything. So is she spoiled? No just the beneficiary of a sad situation. We would give all the nice things back if it would mean Mike was here to finish raising the kids with me.
Love your family while you have them. Don't judge others for the choices they make. And finally, go do some good to make a positive difference in the world today.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)