Monday, December 22, 2008

Working Through the Holidays

Well the month of December has been interesting. I have tired to keep busy and not think about what we used to do for the holidays. This year no one wanted to be home. It was time to start new traditions or just do something different. So I planned a Hawaiian Cruise. It has been a great get away. Just Jeffrey, Rachel and I are here in Hawaii. The problem is Rachel is freaking out every time we spend money and that it is starting to make me meserible. I am a positive person, but with that environment around you, it can really drag you down. I wish she could be happy and less stressed about everything.
Anyway, we are having fun most of the time. It is a nice get away, but also hard. Most people are with spouses. I feel like people look at me and the kids and asume I am divorced. And of course we are in beautiful Hawaii and I feel like a misfit next to all the cute skinny tan girls. Speaking of which, I go to the gym almost daily, I had a personal trainer set up a program just for me and I feel really good, but I still look the same. What is with that! I know, I know, it takes time. But people see someone overweight and make judgements. They don't know where they have been or how far they have come. For me it is the fact that I have to do twice as much and work twice as hard just to get the same results the average person gets. Stupid.
Okay, off that thought. The holidays are lonely. There are times I just want to cry but don't because people are around. I don't think my kids understand just how hard all of this has been for me. Everyone tends to worry about themselves. I stay busy taking care of the kids and don't always take care of myself. Nuts, just plain nuts. Mike and I were supposed to do this cruise on our 25th anniversary but we didn't have the money. So now I am here as a single adult with my kids. Sadly different, but I love my kids and I love spending time with them. We do have lots of laughs and most the time things are good. It is just when money is involved, it sends Rachel over the edge. I should be writing about all the cool and fun things we are doing on and off the ship, but I am just a bit down tonight. Oh well, part of it is thinking about my grandson and how lonely the house will be when we get back since they are moving to Utah right now. Time to go back to the cabin and put on a positive face. I hope all those out there enjoying my thoughts have a wonderful Christmas and holiday.


Janice said...

please please please have fun! I have no doubt it's incredibly hard and I think you're amazing for keeping up such a good "face" for your kids, but it is okay for them to know it's hard for you too. Please take care of yourself! And Merry Christmas in the warm sunshine while we are here in nearly 2 feet of snow(simply unheard of):)

Super Angie said...

MERRY CHRISTMAS! I'm so happy you are on this cruise. Ah, forget about those skinny tan girls. You have had three beautiful kids--most of those skinny girls haven't had any. Its like what my husband says (he is in the plastic surgery industry so he knows what hes talking about and he was a personal trainer about 10 yrs ago)--most of those who are very skinny have only genetics to "blame" it on or have had some surgery.

Soak up some sun, give your kids a hug and take it one day at a time.

Luv u!!!!

Otter Mum's Den said...

Skinny goes away. I am proof of that:)
Cute also fades eventually.
Tan just means potential for skin cancer.
SO just forget about comparing yourself to the cute skinny tan girls, will you!?!

It does take time to trim down, even when you do your very best. I know from personal experience how frustrating it can be not to see the difference in dress size or on the numbers on the scale. I had my body fat measured when I started exercising and was at an appalling 45 percent. Recently, I had this done again and was at a 30 percent. So even though I see absolutely no difference on the scale or on the dress tags, my body composition has actually gotten better. Just keep plugging at it. You are doing something great for yourself.
Enjoy your Hawaiian vacation. I am sick of snow right now and wish I could move to Orlando for the winter!