We Made it Through Christmas

Well we have almost made it through the holidays. The cruise ended today and we are now relaxing at a hotel on the beach for the next few days. It was hard to leave the ship and I still feel like I am in motion!!! We all had a great time on the cruise. Rachel said it was the best vacation ever but the worst Christmas ever. I can understand that. She had two breakdowns where she lost it. One was just sadness of dad not being with us for Christmas. The other was over money. They charged her the adult price for a manicure when she should have received the teen price. Of course she came back to the room hysterical. All I had to do was go talk to them and it was all fixed. Afterwards, she was frustrated with herself for losing control but didn't know how to control it during the attack. It is very hard for her. As always, Jeffrey was able to settle her down.

As for me, it has been a tough week but because I have been surrounded by people, I have kept it all together. I think I am in for a crash again soon. I have been holding things together over the holidays for the kids. In a way I am looking forward to getting back home and settling in to our routine. I am not looking forward to getting back to all the snow!!! Aloha to all my friends and Mahalo for your prayers at this difficult season.

Working Through the Holidays

Well the month of December has been interesting. I have tired to keep busy and not think about what we used to do for the holidays. This year no one wanted to be home. It was time to start new traditions or just do something different. So I planned a Hawaiian Cruise. It has been a great get away. Just Jeffrey, Rachel and I are here in Hawaii. The problem is Rachel is freaking out every time we spend money and that it is starting to make me meserible. I am a positive person, but with that environment around you, it can really drag you down. I wish she could be happy and less stressed about everything.
Anyway, we are having fun most of the time. It is a nice get away, but also hard. Most people are with spouses. I feel like people look at me and the kids and asume I am divorced. And of course we are in beautiful Hawaii and I feel like a misfit next to all the cute skinny tan girls. Speaking of which, I go to the gym almost daily, I had a personal trainer set up a program just for me and I feel really good, but I still look the same. What is with that! I know, I know, it takes time. But people see someone overweight and make judgements. They don't know where they have been or how far they have come. For me it is the fact that I have to do twice as much and work twice as hard just to get the same results the average person gets. Stupid.
Okay, off that thought. The holidays are lonely. There are times I just want to cry but don't because people are around. I don't think my kids understand just how hard all of this has been for me. Everyone tends to worry about themselves. I stay busy taking care of the kids and don't always take care of myself. Nuts, just plain nuts. Mike and I were supposed to do this cruise on our 25th anniversary but we didn't have the money. So now I am here as a single adult with my kids. Sadly different, but I love my kids and I love spending time with them. We do have lots of laughs and most the time things are good. It is just when money is involved, it sends Rachel over the edge. I should be writing about all the cool and fun things we are doing on and off the ship, but I am just a bit down tonight. Oh well, part of it is thinking about my grandson and how lonely the house will be when we get back since they are moving to Utah right now. Time to go back to the cabin and put on a positive face. I hope all those out there enjoying my thoughts have a wonderful Christmas and holiday.

For Every Few Good Days, There is Always a Bad One

After a wonderful Thanksgiving with the kids, things were going pretty good. Then out of no where bang, a bad day hits. I guess that is life. Rachel has been seeing a therapist for her anxiety and it has been a good experience. One of the things we talk about is Rachel's feelings of the "loss of security" due to her dad's passing.
The loss of her dad has caused a lot of different types of insecurities. She stresses over school especially math, she stresses over money, and she stresses over more loss. So when we woke up Friday morning both having had crazy dreams, our day was not off to a good start! Rachel dreamt that we were in a convenient store and some guy got mad at his wife at the pump and shot her and then came in and shot me 4 times. Although I didn't die in her dream, I was innocently shot in front of her and Jeffrey. It was very disturbing to her and she was concerned all day about what if she loses me too. It didn't help that she had a math test too. She went in and started the test during lunch and was still the last one to turn it in at the end of class. As soon as I picked her up from school, she had a melt down. I fed her, hugged her, and just listened. She hadn't eaten all day which is not good for her. Rachel puts way to much pressure on herself.
As for me, I had a good day but I had a crazy dream too. In mine we were stopping at the Redmond house to check on it and we walked in to find Mike packing stuff to take. He had faked his death and was running out on us. I was so mad at him. It was so real and weird. That is the first time I have dreamed about him at all. Dreams are so weird. I don't know what triggered the dreams that night but later on when I talked to Jeffrey, he had a weird dream that same night. He just couldn't remember it anymore. So I guess our subconsciousness's are trying to tell us something??? Who knows. I am SO glad I have a wonderful relationship with my kids. We are always able to talk, cry, hug and laugh together. They have been a great support to me these last few months. It will be sad when Chris and Marie leave at the end of the month with Ethan. I have decided I don't want to work full time until Rachel is done with school. She still needs me to be flexible for her. I hope others are having a good week and great holiday. Hold on to your dreams. . . but not your nightmares!!!!

I Love the Christmas Season

We put most of our decorations up before we left for Thanksgiving. Now we just need some lights up and things will be done. Oh and then there is all the Christmas cards to write. I love this time of year. I love the music, the lights, the spirit of giving, the cookies and the Christmas movies. I love to sit by the fireplace with all the normal lights out and just the Christmas ones glowing, sipping on a cup of peppermint hot cocoa. It is sad not to have someone to intimately share it with. The last several years Mike was too busy to stop and enjoy the season, but at least he was around. It is odd this year not having to discuss Christmas budgets, plans, gifts etc. In a way it is actually kind of nice, but there is still a big hole. Something missing. It is hard to imagine that at the end of December it will be six months since Mike's passing. Sometimes I feel a bit guilty for doing so well. I actually feel more like myself then I have for years. Happier and more at easy. I finally joined a gym and it feels good to work out and spend some time on bettering myself.
As I find myself alone listening to Christmas music, there is often a tear shed. A tear of loneliness, a tear for times past, a tear for things we didn't take time for when we could, and a tear for the uncertainty of the future. It is a lonely place to be, not knowing what lies ahead. So I surround myself with family and friends, enjoy the moment and try not to think to deeply.
I hope you all enjoy the season and appreciate everything and everyone you have. You never know when something or someone might be taken away.