"Firsts" Are Still Difficult, Even With A Positive Attitude

"Firsts" definitely are difficult. I love springtime, I was born in the spring, married in the spring and it is just a beautiful time of the year.

As I approach my birthday, I think I will make it through alright. Half the time Mike never did anything for my birthday anyway. Then other times he really went all out. But this is a landmark birthday. I really have no plans to do anything. Rachel has play rehearsal every evening from here until May 8th so I could go out to dinner alone... but that doesn't sound fun. I enjoy life so I really don't mind getting older. I do mind getting older alone. I really do hate not having someone around to share intimate feelings and thoughts with. Someone to be with.

As for the anniversary, I am not sure how to get through that one except to just stay busy. It would be our 28th anniversary. It is weird to think that I have been married more of my life then I was single. Maybe that is why I hate being single so much, just not used to it. Sometimes I see all the single women out there and I think maybe I should be happy for what I had and not worry about dating so they can have a chance at that same kind of happiness. Then I think who would want to marry me anyway! I am happy with who I am and I really don't have weird hangups, but most guys can't see beyond my few extra pounds to figure that out. Wait, there are no guys around here to date so maybe I am wrong about that!!! I guess I shouldn't worry about dating until Rachel is in college anyway, she might rebel on me! I joke with her about double dating all the time and she just rolls her eyes.

As for Mothers Day, I used to say that by the time it came my family was sick of doing things for me! Having a birthday, anniversary and then Mother's Day all spread out in one week is too much to focus on one person! I have fantastic kids so I am sure they will do their best to take care of me during this up coming week of more "firsts."

Truth be told, while Rachel has been off doing her own thing, being by myself these last few weeks have been difficult. I try and keep busy but when I am all alone and it is quiet, my doubts and fears creep in the most. I am a survivor, so it will all be okay.

90/10 Rule

"10% of life is made up of what happens to you. 90% of life is decided by how you react." Stephen R Covey

I really like this theory. I believe it is pretty accurate too. Trying to teach this principle to others is a bit hard. I wish I could have done better at teaching my kids this concept. My life has been so much more pleasant after I learned to believe this. I don't get angry easily, I can roll with the punches better and I am happier due to it. Doesn't mean I don't have down or bad days.

Yesterday was one of those days I just wanted to cry. Don't really know why. A song would come on, or memories would surface, and I would just feel lonely. It doesn't help that Rachel is gone from 6:45am to 9:30pm almost everyday this week! So I sat home alone all afternoon and evening. Since today would be similar, I did something different and pulled out the genealogy to work on. It is a good distraction and hobby of mine. It was a little tough when I tackled putting in Mike's death info.

It also gets tough trying to deal with all this stuff I have never had to deal with. Health insurance, mortgages, bills, IRS, selling a house. Crazy! I messed up when my COBRA ended and didn't get our new health insurance by the deadline so we are uninsured for April. SCARY. I need lots of prayers for the Redmond house to sell. If I drop the price again, I will get nothing out of it. So, I take all these mind boggling things and I get to decide how I am going to react.
Today, I choose to move forward with a smile but an occasional tear is still alright.

Avoiding my blog....what is with that?

I have kind of been avoiding my blog and I am not sure why. Maybe I have nothing to say...wow. The rest of our holiday in Utah was a blast. I got to see a lot of wonderful people and think a lot about the 'good old days.' I especially enjoyed reminiscing with Rick; good times. Thanks for being you. I also can't believe how long Connie and I sat and talked! What good memories. I also had fun on what I could say was my first date as a widow. Details? No I'd like to keep that somewhat private for now.

The last of our stay we just visited with family. It was great to see Uncle Jack and Janene. Uncle Jack reminds me so much of my dad. I felt bad because I missed seeing my cousin due to my own stupidity. Just plan forgot to check my e-mail until it was too late. I loved playing with my grandson and I miss him tons and tons.

Anyway, we are back home and lots of fun things going on. Rachel got her braces off, received her license, and had a big late birthday bash with her friends. Now it is time to get back down to work. I spent some time cleaning out the garage, but I can only do so much then I need a break. Going through old stuff is hard. Sometimes I think I throw things away just to get the memories to move on. No news from the IRS. I guess that is good. No news on the sale of the Redmond house. I guess that is bad. If there is one thing anyone reading this could do for our family right now, I would say pray that the house in Redmond sells quickly before I have to drop the price again. If I have to drop the price of the house, I will not get out of it what I have had to put into it for selling. I just need to be free of it. Our family is going to pray and fast on Thursday, anyone is welcome to pray with us. I have had a lot of miracles this last year and I feel bad asking for another, but I need one more.

Taking a Break and Having Some Fun

Everyone needs to take a break and have some fun. It is spring break so Rachel and I are with the college kids enjoying some time together. Tonight we are going to see one of my high school buddies in a play at the Hale Theatre. Jeffrey is busy in college and really needed the break. Rachel went to his classes and lab yesterday and had a good time with him. She also did a college tour at another university and that was great. She is planning to go to his colleges BIG rival! So we have had a great time as a family.
I have also had the opportunity to see old friends from high school and more recent friends that moved from Washington. Today was lunch with the Baker's, yesterday was dinner with the Sells. We had a blast. At dinner, we stayed at the Olive Garden for 2 1/2 hours laughing and getting caught up. Right before we left, we apologized to our waiter for being there so long and for our loud laughter. He said it was great to see us so happy and that he loved my smile. He said I was smiling all night. Wow! That means so much to me. I really do work hard at smiling and trying to make the world a happier place. I suppose if I was going to be remembered for something, that would be a good thing. So smile everyone and enjoy each moment of life you have. I see every moment as a learning experience. We can make those learning experiences enhance our life or pull us down. Why not choose to enhance our lives and make the world a happier, better place.

Painful Findings

Some things may never get easier. My accountant needs all I can round up from 2008. Amazingly I am doing a pretty good job at finding things among the 15+ boxes of Mike's business & personal paperwork. It is harder finding the 2008 stuff then it was the 1993 to 2007 stuff the accountant needed! The closer the dates came to the present, the more painful it is for me. Mike had two businesses out of our home. I had to come up with purchases, other expenses and payments for both businesses. After tearing the house apart, I finally found two check registers for the 2008 business account.
I went through and made an excel spreadsheet with auto mechanic credits and debits and accounting credits and debits and then miscellaneous ones that I felt should be considered on the return. It wasn't too bad to do but did take a lot of time.
As I was coming to the end of May in the register, everything got harder. You could see the work slowing down and the deposits fewer. Then I found the check written out for a ticket for not wearing his seat belt! He never told me about that one...maybe that is why he didn't get upset with me when I got my very first speeding ticket last year! The sad entry was for a single ticket to the movie theater. At least he went to the most expensive theater in town. That was not long after my nephew Michael moved out of the house and Mike was over in Redmond during the week alone.
But the hardest entry was one of the last ones. In the register it simply said:
June 27 - for a movie and my last meals
Yes, I cried. He talked to me two more times after that date and never said a word about how he was feeling. The very last transactions were deposits to Rachel and I. He wanted us to have access to money until things could be settled. It was so planned and I didn't see it.

Life Can Truly Be Amazing

The last two days I had the great opportunity to substitute teach health at our local high school. It just so happened the teacher had a video to show the first day and a guest speaker the second day. The video was powerful. It is call "Surviving High School." It pertained to how we treat each other and the consequences of that treatment. The end of the video dealt with teen suicide.

The second day the guest speaker was sick so I actually had the opportunity to teach!!! So we talked about the video. We discussed eating disorders, depression, hazing people, and suicide. It was a little difficult, but I felt I could really have an impact on these kids if I said the right thing. I am please to say that all 4 classes went well. After getting through all the depressing stuff I talked to them about the difference one person can make. How much a simple smile or "hi" can mean to someone. I felt good about the classes and really hoped that some of kids would get something out of it. As they left the class I challenged them to smile and say hi to someone today that they don't normally talk to. You never know what positive difference you might make in some one's life.

You always wonder if anything you say makes a difference and we seldom find out if it really does. After school a student ran into me and said, "You should be a motivational speaker! You really made some of these kids stop and think." Another one said, "My friends said you are their hero."

Wow, I wasn't expecting that. I would love to be a motivational speaker! How do you get involved with that one? I hope I did make a difference in their lives. Every morning we get up and decide if we are going to have a good day or bad day, if we are going to be happy or sad. Smile and make the world around you a better place. Enjoy what you have and don't fall into the trap of "I will be happy when."

By the way, if anyone has any ideas on how I can become a motivational speaker....let me know.

Life Goes On ....still

Well, life has been interesting! I am having some issues with the IRS that are just not adding up. It should wind up in my favor and their mess up, but in the mean time they have put me through the wringer. Anyway, I finally got through to the IRS advocate office and after looking over stuff, the lady felt the IRS made an error combining Mike's and my account. Nothing new on their part, just another screw up. Payments were filed under Mike's SSN the returns under my SSN and they didn't put the two together. Enough of that boring stuff. What I am writing about is the affect it all had on me.

This was one of the hardest things to deal with. I think I cried more this weekend then in a long time. Having to explain the circumstances to each person took my call, wore me out. I cried Friday afternoon when all these letters arrived saying I owed tons of money. I held back the tears at the Berry Manilow concert when he sang love songs, but later lost it in the car on the way home listening to the same songs. My health insurance runs out at the end of the month, bills are due, and I am behind on my checkbook balances! Life couldn't be more crazy.

This is when I hit a low and then have to listen to my own counsel. "Come what may and love it." It has been a trying weekend, but life really is good. I have my kids, family, shelter, and a great network of friends. I have been substituting in the schools, throwing away more junk and having fun with Rachel. I guess again, all the good out weighs the pain and frustration. So I am going to go eat lunch...at 3:00....and then pay some more bills. All is good. Life goes on and I am not going to let it go without me. ;-) "I am women hear me roar..."

Service Does Amazing Things

Life is always easier when you spend time helping others and get away from your own cares. It really does work. Rachel and I flew down to California for 48 hours to help my life long friend pack up her house. I was able to deal with packing things and throwing away things that she was having difficulty with because of memories. I would use phrases with her like, "come what may and love it," "just do it," "life goes on, so live it." It made me realize not only do I say these phrases but I do believe them.

I talked to a friend who is a counselor and he has commented several times to me about how he has seen women in my situation who have not be able to deal with the loss of their spouse for years, especially when suicide was involved. I am really not hard hearted. I just recognize that I have a future and I need to make the best of it. Dwelling on the past will get you no where fast. Believe me, I know a few people who do that and they are stuck there. That doesn't mean I don't think about it. Today while driving I kept having flashbacks to moments and conversations. Sometimes it makes you laugh and sometimes it makes you cry. Learning to cope with my situation doesn't necessarily make it easier. There have been many tough days and I am sure there will be many more, but I do work hard to be positive and more forward. It is work to focus on the good and stay positive. Sometimes I fall short and have to remind myself of what Tom Hanks said in two different movies; it was something about waking up each day and putting one foot in front of the other because you have to. (Watch "Sleepless in Seattle" and "Castaway")

To my young friend who is dealing with the loss of her dad, let me say, it does not get less painful, but it does get easier to deal with loss as time goes by. That doesn't mean you forget your loved one. Celebrate their life every chance you get. Choose to remember all the good they brought into the world. Share their life with others around you. Let their memory live on. Sometimes our Heavenly Father has a plan much bigger then we will ever understand. Trust Him. Take what you learn from your experience and help others who are suffering.

Stupid Idea

So for some dumb reason I got on Mike's old lap top today. I wanted to make sure he wasn't getting e-mails from tax clients who didn't know about his passing. Of course I have already ready everything in it, but I went to the folder with my name on it anyway and started reading letters that went back and forth between us. I have to say, some where not real good.
Mike took himself off some of his meds in Nov 07. I didn't put it all together until after the fact but I remember at Christmas time he spoke harshly to me in front of our guests. That was not normal. Then as the new year was getting underway, I noticed several times how Mike would make rude comments to me. This was very out of character for him. I can only remember Mike raising his voice in our home once or twice in 27 years of marriage and that was while he was in a depressed state. Anyway, while he was in Redmond, there was an e-mail exchange between us that wasn't so pleasant. I basically let him know something I spent $75 on to updating my teaching certificate and he hit the roof. I was trying to clarify where he was coming from and he thought I was e-mail bashing with him. Anyway, why I went back and read these is beyond me. It was painful. That was about the time I had a one on one conversation with him on why he was so edgy and harsh. That is when I learned he took himself off his meds. It explained so much about his recent actions that I hadn't understood.
Still I ventured back into those e-mails and brought back all those sad memories. I have done a great job of building a wall around my emotions. It is like I have to be strong for everyone else that I don't take a break and let loose. Even now I read those letters painfully but with no outward emotions slipping out. I can't seem to just let it flow.
I can't be mad at Mike, he was suffering. I can't be happy for him, he just up and quit on us. I can't just move on, I don't know what to move on to. I can be sad for our children. I guess for me I am just numb and currently emotionless.
I have learned that I am an excellent actress for the public!!! (I can fool a lot of people)

Didn't Expect That

I was showing our exchange student some family videos of Marie and Rachel singing and she asked if Jeffrey sang. I said yes then found the graduation CD we had from 2004. He sang at graduation so I looked for it. On the CD Mike represented the school parent board and said a few words then handed out awards. Rachel sat frozen. I just listened to his voice for the first time in 8 months. It was . . . well let's just say a lot of emotions were flying around. Kind of hard.
Today I went to an exercise class and broke the one and only Valentine necklace Mike ever gave me. Normally he would try to give us all a card, candy, or balloon if he was feeling good. In fact he was better with Valentine's Day then Christmas, our anniversary, my birthday or any other special day. With Valentine's Day this week, we are not off to a good start in the emotions department.

Life Goes On

Life has been busy lately, but what is new. We miss out on a lot of life because we are too busy to enjoy it. So I try to enjoy being busy! Rachel has been doing well lately with less anxiety attacks. Even with the minor issues my kids might face, I think I have pretty great kids!
Right now we have a French exchange student with us for three weeks and Alice and Rachel are getting along great. It has been fun to have her here. Our house can be quiet so we have the church kids come over a lot.
I spent last week substituting at the high school in ISS (in school suspension.) It was interesting to see the students that come in. Unfortunately a lot of them come from families that don't seem to care about their student's education. It is sad. Others are just to smart for the average classroom and act up out of boredom. Instead of making them sit quietly, I often engaged them in conversations of history and government issues. It was interesting. I spent some of my time applying for my credentials to be updated and activated so I can actually substitute teach in the classroom. I usually sub in ISS or the office where you don't have to have your teachers certificate. So I am moving forward into new adventures.
Well this week is Valentines Day. During the last 15 years of Mike's illnesses, I learned never to expect anything and then when he did do something it was a pleasant surprise. There were many years he did nothing for my birthday, our anniversary and there were even a few years he didn't even give me a Christmas gift. It was hard for me at first but I learned it was often the disease and not really Mike. What he did or didn't do often depended on how he was feeling. He took himself off his depression meds in November 2007. Christmas 2007 we had 15 people at the house. After all the gifts were opened someone asked what Mike had given me. The answer was nothing, so about an hour after all the gifts were open he gave me a 3x5 card with a picture of a movie camera on it that I wanted and he told me he would buy it for me. It was no surprise to me that I never got the camera from him. As you can see for years I have had to put aside my feelings and realize that Mike's health kept him from being what we would call "normal." One e-mail I received from him in about April of 2008 he said, "I am sincerely sorry for all the pain I have caused you and the children for so many years. My only solace is that I have done the best that I knew how." I think he knew where he fell short and he didn't need us to point it out. We had good times and bad times like all couples. We chose to stay together and stick it out. The only regret I have is that he knew how hard it was for me sometimes and I think that made it harder on him.
So as we approach Valentine's Day, be thankful. Show your family, friends and special someone how much they mean to you without expecting anything back. If we expect something back, we are setting ourselves up for a fall if nothing is given. It is better to give then to receive (although receiving is nice too!)

PS. One of the fun things we did one Valentine's Day was to cut out TONS of hearts and put them all over Mike's car when it was parked somewhere else. He came out to a "heart attack" car. It was cheap, easy and lots of fun.

Beneficiary of a Sad Situation

My husband was a CPA (certified public accountant) and an auto mechanic. I know, it is a strange combination. One of the things he did for Marie and Jeffrey, was to rebuild a car and then give it to them. It happened to be whatever car he got at the time and yes Jeffrey got the better deal. Rachel and Mike always talked about getting a mini cooper and fixing it up. Before we moved, Mike inherited a nice red Jeep that needed a new motor. We drove it to the new place but it never got fixed. Having only one dependable car and two drivers, with Rachel turning 16 in March, I thought it would be a good idea to get the Jeep fixed. We got it back this week and it runs wonderful. I have called it Rachel's car because she will wind up driving it the most. Eventually Mike would have found a car to fix for her anyway.
Rachel said to me the other day, "I am so spoiled." Not really. It is a better car then her siblings got and she did get it at a younger age, but at what cost?
I think that all of us would rather have Mike here and be scraping by like the rest of America. Because of Mike's planning, he set things up properly for us. I have the ability to get a few nice things I have wanted, pay for food and parties for Rachel's and her friends and keep the kids in college and live comfortably. Rachel hardly ever asks for anything. So is she spoiled? No just the beneficiary of a sad situation. We would give all the nice things back if it would mean Mike was here to finish raising the kids with me.
Love your family while you have them. Don't judge others for the choices they make. And finally, go do some good to make a positive difference in the world today.

Emotions Close to the Surface

The last few days have been good, but a lot of things really touched my heart and I shed a few tears. Today completed the sale of my husband's family farm. I have never really been attached to it so I wasn't expecting it to feel so sad. There is nothing left in Eastern Washington to take me over there except for the cemetery. Just a weird feeling.
Speaking of the cemetery, I still haven't even started to get a headstone for Mike's grave. I just haven't been able to deal with that. Maybe it is because it will feel like the final chapter of a favorite book coming to an end. I also can't stand the idea of seeing my name on a gravestone by his. I guess I will have to look at separate markers or something. I just don't want to deal with it yet so I haven't.
On another note, I was touched to see Mike's name listed in the Brigham Young University Magazine under alumni who have passed away. I am sure it is a standard thing for them, but it was special to see. He graduated in 1983 as the top student in the accounting program. There is still a plaque in the Tanner building with his name on it. I have a lot of good memories of our time there.
I also receive a letter from the alumni association today. Mike donated to both Ricks College (BYU-I) and BYU on a regular basis. He had full scholarships to both and his way to pay back what they gave him was to donate so others could have the same opportunities he had received. Due to that support, in this letter it stated that they were going to donate a book to the Herald B Lee Library in his name. It seems like a little thing, but it means a lot.
And finally Rachel and I went to see her therapist (they allow me to go in because Rachel speaks freely around me.) It was a good session but touching. She talked a lot about how we can't do the 'what ifs' or blame ourselves. She talked about how Mike is now free from the pain he was in. It was all stuff I have been stating but it sounded nice coming from a professional. It made us both feel normal to be experiencing some of the stuff that we are experiencing.
We have a long road ahead. Some days are better then others. I usually say I am fine or good when people ask even if it isn't quite the truth. I think I need to learn to let me emotions flow. It is good for the soul. Being able to write freely on this blog has been a great release for me. It also helps to know that people truly do care.

Making it Through Another Week

The last few days have been pretty mellow. I worked today for the school district and that was a nice break. It seems there is always too much paperwork to deal with, but I am wading through it. I decided I need a heavy duty paper shredder! I have so many papers to go through and get rid of.

As for me, I am enjoying my exercise routine and physical therapy. I am learning a lot about why I have knee and hip pain and what I can do to strengthen it. Right now they have my kneecap taped so it will stay where it should and ride smoother. We will see how my knee does in my step class tomorrow! The exercising is a great outlet for me. It helps me feel stronger and refreshed. It involves taking time for myself that I really enjoy. I think it even helps me to stay centered. It is even great therapy.

The kids seem to be doing well. Jeffrey is enjoying his college classes and Marie is enjoying her new place in Utah. I miss my grandson something awful. Rachel is working through finals and holding together pretty well. I am worried about next week when her classes change and she has to get used to a few new teachers. She really struggles in Math and loves her current teacher but she has to move to a different class to fit her Western Civilization class in. Bummer. Math is one of the things that triggers her anxiety attacks. I pray she will do well with the change.

Anxiety is a funny little monster. Rachel is so worried about having an anxiety attack in public that she had learned to control it enough until she is alone with me. Then she lets loose. I think Jeffrey and Marie are the only other people who have seen her have a full blown anxiety attack. This made me ponder something. For almost 20 years Mike kept his depression a secret from everyone around him. I remember telling people and they looked at me like I was crazy. I felt that no one believe me that he had depression. I kind of feel that way again. No one ever sees Rachel having an attack so I feel they don't think it is as bad as I say. It can be very frustrating and I feel bad for Rachel because she is so hard on herself. She goes back to the therapist on Monday and maybe we can get more ideas on how to handle these attacks.

Rachel Blames Herself. . .

Sometimes I don't even know where to start, my thoughts are going in many sporadic directions. Sunday started out as a normal day, but by bedtime everything changed. Rachel was in bed and reminded me to come say prayers. So I did and then went back to getting ready for bed. A few minutes later I heard her crying. So I climbed into bed with her and held her while she cried.

When she finally felt like talking, she mentioned that she was afraid dad's death may have been her fault. I knew how she felt, but I also know that his death was his choice. For the last year we where trying to run two households two hours and a ferry ride apart and it was a big mistake. Mike didn't come over that weekend because he would only be able to come for two days and he was planning to come over the following week on the Forth of July for 5 days. By Sunday night he had already decided to take his own life. He had made that choice. He called us and everyone was home so he talked to each one of us. That really wasn't out of the ordinary. I wish I could remember what I did or didn't say that night but I don't. I remember laughing and having a good conversation. Rachel remembers telling him that it was a waste of money and gas to come over for two days. Looking back it made her feel guilty for telling him that. She thought that if she would have told him to come, he may still be alive today. That is a lot of weight on the shoulders of a teenager. We talked and I assured her that he had already made the decision not to come over, but it still hurt. We just sat on the bed and cried and talked. There is so much of her life he won't see now and it hurts her. I don't know how to be a single parent. It is hard. I don't always know what to say or do. I hope I was a comfort to her.

On Monday night she had an anxiety attack. She freaked out over all the stuff she has to do over the next month and acted as if she had to accomplish it all right now. I was patient, but I still don't know the right thing to say to her. She seems to be having these more often and is having less control over them. You can tell a person to calm down and breath deep but you can't make them. I need to get her back to her counselor but she has no time in her schedule...literally. She leaves the house everyday at 6:40am and on some days gets home at 8 or 9 pm. Drivers Ed started Tuesday night so that may have been the reason for the loss of control on Monday.

I throw myself into my exercising or other hobbies that I don't have to much time to dwell on the past. It is still to tender and hurts. So I move forward in life and live everyday the best I can. I wish I knew how to teach that concept to a teenage.