Earlier this year, my daughter wrote a beautiful post on Infertility and the difficulty it was to go through. It was an eye opener. So I took her format and wrote what it is like to be a widow. This Christmas season, take care of the widows in your life. It is a hard place to be and none of us asked for the title.

What does it mean to be a widow?
It is making decisions you thought you would never have to make
It is deciding if you want your name on a headstone yet
It is cooking for one
It is candle lite dinners alone
It is trying to figure out where you fit in
It is sitting home lonely because you don't want to be a burden to anyone
It is learning to live alone, for the first time in your life
It is holding yourself together for your children
It is learning to sing and smile again
It is filing paperwork to get what is rightfully yours
It is trying to make everyone happy with your decision
It is a ton of 'why me'
It is piling junk on the bed so the space next to you doesn't seem so empty
It is having the first year of difficult dates pass, when everyone else is over your loss in a week
It is not knowing what to do with your future
It is staying out late with your widow friends so you don't have to go home to an empty house
It is wishing couples wouldn't complain about being married
It is wanting to be surrounded by family during holidays so you won't feel so alone
It is wondering if your kids will call
It is being told not to talk to your friend's husband anymore because you are single
It is being forgotten when your church has a dance or party for couples
It is learning to kill the spiders, fix the electrical issues, and make your own home repairs
It is having a hole in your heart and life
It is not having someone to discuss politics rationally with anymore
It is not having someone's hand to hold when you need strength
It is holding your pet when there is no one to hold you
It is trying to feel love on Valentine's Day
It is hiding the pain of loneliness
It is not wanting to date because you can't ever replace your spouse
It is wanting to date so you don't have to live alone
It is not being invited out with your married friends anymore
It is going out to dinner alone
It is not having someone to kiss on New Year's Eve
It is wondering if you are a horrible person when you move on
It is deciding when to take off your wedding ring
It is depending on God for survival and to walk with you
It is finding out you have joined the Widows Club, a club you didn't want to join with a very high entry price paid

Surviving the Risks and Hazards of the Work Place

With all jobs there are risks. Most of them are risk from injury but there are other risks and hazards. Back in the 90’s I was working for a school district that hired an independent company to run our alternative program. It was good for a while but then the company made some changes. I witnessed our lead teacher (we did not have a principal) yelling in the face of his secretary. I witnessed the district not backing the employee’s complaints. In fact, by the time the district fired the company and their lead teacher, all my office coworkers had quit. Of course we were still seen as complaining employees and not as employees needing help from an awful situation the district had put us in and then refused to acknowledge.

                The new principal couldn’t start until the beginning of the next school year so the district hired someone to come in and clean up the place for the last few months of school.  Her job was to get rid of the problem causers. She walked up to me one day and said, “I hope you have a good self-esteem because you are going to need it!” I looked at her and replied, “I do, and I don’t get any of it from my job.” She was a bit startled by my response and walked off. She did everything to try and get me to be miserable, but I continued to do my job.

                In the fall, when the new principal came she told me that the district wanted her to get rid of me. She asked me why and then allowed me to prove my worth. Within a month she was telling me she did not understand where the district was coming from and that I was one of the best secretaries’s she ever worked with.  I received some of my best job evaluations from her. They were so positive that the next district I moved to told me they had never received such rave reviews about someone.

                The risks were high to stay with that job and face the disrespect and constant scrutiny I faced.   I had nothing to hide. I was good at my job but I knew there was always room for improvement. I also had a solid knowledge that my self-worth was established by God. Nothing they said or did could affect my self-esteem. I would not allow that. My value and worth were established by God and if I believed anything else I was giving in to the power of Satan.  That is what I believed and how I survived.

                Most people don’t realize the risks in the job of a teacher but there are many.  It just takes one student who doesn’t like you to take you down. Hopefully they don’t realize they have that kind of power. Teachers also have a hard time protecting students who are there to actually learn from those that disrupt. Another problem is that parents will believe their student over a teacher. When I went to school, I would have been in so much trouble if I talked back to a teacher. My parents would have stood with the teacher and I would have been grounded.  In states that guns are not allowed on school campus, teachers who are licensed to carry have no way to defend themselves or their students. Times have definitely changed.

                Last week, I had one of the worst classes ever. The eighth grade class had 25 boys and 3 girls. The teacher had warned me about how bad they were for her. There where at least five boys who were constantly rude and disruptive. I was trying to read to the class and these boys were walking around the class talking. The numerous times I asked them to sit down and stop they point blank said no. I had never seen such rude defiant behavior. Since there was only 15 minutes left in the school day, I did not send any of them down to detention. Instead I gave them a short lecture on taking charge of their education.  In that lecture, I mentioned that they were responsible for their education.  It was up to them to learn and move ahead in life. No one wants to get stuck saying ‘do you want fries with that’ for the rest of their lives. Working at McDonald's might be a good jump off job but unless you are in management you don’t want to be stuck there. One of the students yelled out that it was the teachers fault if they didn’t learn. Then several of the boys rambled on about how I was accusing them of being low level McDonald’s workers. I corrected what they thought they heard. Lecture ended and so did the class.

                Part of a substitute’s job is to write up a report of all the classes. I gave great reviews for all of them but the last class. I wrote up exactly what happened and even mentioned two of the boys by name. Then I went to the office to check out, I told them exactly what had happened. I wanted to make sure they knew about it. Four days later I receive a ‘Sub Warning’ e-mail from the district. You get two warnings before being evaluated and then let go as a substitute. You don’t get to defend yourself to the school or the teacher. In fact you can receive a second violation if you do. The charge? Lecturing students and telling them they would only be able to get a job working at McDonald's. Apparently parents and students were offended that I said, “they would never have a good job and would have to say do you want fries with that for the rest of their lives.”  Obviously that is not what I said.

                I handled it well since I still believe I don’t get my self-worth from my job. I sent the district a letter explaining what I did and what actually happened and asked them to put it in my file. I didn’t argue the points or call anyone a liar. Instead I chalked it up to one of the risks of the work place.  But I was truly saddened. I am sad that students would go that far. They knew the truth and didn’t care. Sad that parents no longer hold their children accountable or take the time to listen to the teachers side of the story. I am sad that a person’s career and livelihood could end if a student wrongfully accuses a teacher.

                These hazards and risks in the teaching profession are part of the reason for the decline of good strong teachers. In a work place where the teacher is guilty until proven innocent, it is hard to keep good people around. Many subs have it worse because they don’t get the chance to establish a relationship with staff since they move around so much. This puts the risk of teaching much higher for the substitute.

                The world is a tough place. All jobs have their hazards and risks. If I could plea for one thing in my field, it would be for parents to support the schools and teachers. Hold your children accountable. Listen before jumping to conclusions and honor those that march into the classroom to help today’s youth come out better than the last generation. Support substitutes, they have a tough job moving around from class to class never getting the chance to build a relationship with the students or staff and far too many substitutes attach their self-worth to their success in the classroom.

                Fortunately I have spent the last few days at the local alternative school. These kids come because they want to even with all the struggles that they have in their current lives. They want to move on and get out of the place they are in. The staff here? Wonderful, they have included me and even given me a free school t-shirt. What a difference in schools and attitudes. 

Please Stop Saying "Committed" Suicide by Kyle Freeman

This is something I had not really thought about. I like her thought process on this. It has a softer feel and not so harsh. I included her blog site and this entire post below. I will be walking in the 'SLC Out of the Darkness' walk on September 19. You can donate in Mike's memory at:

Donate in Memory of Michael Chumley

Kyle's Blog

Before my brother Jeff died by suicide, I never thought about the way I talked about suicide. Immediately following his death and for a long time after, I was so shocked that the terms used to describe how he died mattered little. But as time passes, and the shock subsides, I’ve discovered that I bristle each time I hear the expression “committed” suicide. Historically, in the United States and beyond, the act of suicide was deemed a crime. Until as recently as 1963, six states still considered attempted suicide a criminal act. This is so insanely absurd to me that I’m not going to expend any more energy on the history of the topic.

Thankfully laws have changed, but our language has not.   And the residue of shame associated with the committal of a genuine crime, remains attached to suicide.  My brother did NOT commit a crime. He resorted to suicide, which he perceived, in his unwell mind, to be the only possible solution to his tremendous suffering.  If I was telling you about a friend or loved one who actually did commit a crime, chances are that I’d feel at least a little embarrassment or shame on behalf of that person.  But I don’t feel even the tiniest bit of shame about how Jeff died.  Of course, I wish with every fiber of my being that we had been able to successfully help Jeff and that he was alive today.   But shame, nope, I don’t feel that about my brother.  I focus on how proud I am of who he was in his life – passionate, thoughtful beyond words, brilliant, determined, and braver than most people I know, for enduring his pain as long as he did. Yes, Jeff Freeman was a brave, brave man.   As is any person who grapples with deep emotional distress day after day, year after year.

So to say that someone “committed” suicide feels offensive to me and I’m not easily offended. The offense is in the inaccuracy. With that said, I don’t judge people for using this expression – until August 17, 2007, I did the same. But now I don’t. And I humbly ask that you consider the same.
When you have occasion to talk about suicide, please try to refer to someone dying by suicide. By shifting our language around suicide, we have the power to reduce some of the massive shame carried by survivors of suicide. If you feel scared or helpless about what to say to someone you know who’s lost someone to suicide, take comfort in knowing that, by changing your language about suicide, you’re offering a counter cultural act of kindness. It might seem small but the interpersonal and political impact is nothing but huge.

‘LONELY’ NOT POWERFUL ENOUGH WORD TO DESCRIBE WIDOWHOOD Written by Catherine Tidd

I found this to be a great article. I have been a widow now for 7 years and can feel totally alone in a crowded room. It is surreal.

http://www.opentohope.com/lonely-not-powerful-enough-word-to-describe-widowhood/#comment-1596522My

Come Check Out My New Blog "The Happiness Choice"

I need followers on my new site! If you followed me here, check out the new site and follow it. I try and get a few posts up a month on learning to make healthy, happy choices in eating, exercise, and life. I will be sharing some of the new recipes I am trying and other fun things. Check it out:

http://chosinghappiness.blogspot.com/  (and yes it say chosing not choosing because that was all I could get.)

Also check out and share my daughter's blog on her journey with infertility and now having twins!

http://littleivielane.blogspot.com/