Rethink, Adjust, and Keep Going

When we moved 2 1/2 years ago, it was hard for Rachel to connect with friends, being shy didn't help. We noticed that the teens here didn't really have a hang out place. That became one of our goals, to provide a place the kids could hang out, have fun and be safe. It was a slow process especially while Mike was still alive. He often didn't like to be around groups of people. After he passed away, it became extremely important to us not only to provide a gathering place but also to make sure Rachel would move forward and not seclude herself or crawl into a hole, and me too, I guess. That is why we started having late start breakfast here whenever possible and giving rides to kids whenever needed.
There were many nights when we had a few extra Holloway, Cain, Turner, Gilliam or Kings here later then 1 am! After midnight I would start asking, "Your parents okay with you being here?"  The typical answer would be, "ya, I checked in."  I had to trust they did and hope some parent wouldn't get mad at me. We had some amazing late night talks. Some say the Holy Ghost goes to bed at midnight and kids can only get in trouble after that...I say he is always present when the setting is worthy of it.
If it wasn't for the families here (and in our old hometown) loaning us their children from time to time, it would get very lonely and quiet here. Our routine night would be a movie then bed. We have seen just about everything there is worth seeing. Having extra kids over helps to break up the monotony even if we do just watch another movie.  I don't mind feeding them and I don't mind driving them home even when it is all the way across town and late at night. But in the desire to fill our homes loneliness I guess I have lost touch with what other families desires might be.


I sometimes wonder if people realize how truly lonely life can be for me. For some reason I connect better with the youth and have more friends under 20 then above, but even they get tired of a mom hanging around with them. Don't get me wrong, I have a lot of wonderful adult people I know, but "hanging out" is a bit hard when they have obligations I don't have. Being a single adult in a family oriented church is a lot harder and lonelier then I thought it would be.
When my older two kids were teenagers, they homeschooled. We didn't really have set bed times and any given night the Klos, Bunt, Heath, Terry and Anderson clan would be over having fun. Now that I am raising my youngest I have even mellowed more, so you see I don't get worried about the time she comes home as much as I do just knowing where she is and who she is with.
So in my desire to fill our families needs, I have forgotten to take into consideration the needs of other families. What a dilemma I have created. Some may think my youngest is spoiled but I don't think so. I think I am a lot more patient, understanding and mellow. Years of learning to "choose my battles wisely" and knowing when to step back and let go have helped. Most of Rachel's friends are the oldest child in the family and they have greater responsibility to set examples for younger siblings.  So I do get it. It is not remembering to honor other families rules as much as it is remembering to watch the clock and ask more questions about curfews. I trust my own kids so much, that I think I trust other youth to know their rules and boundaries hoping they will self enforce them. Isn't it great that life, every day, gives us knew challenges to learn from and better ourselves?

When Life Is A Mess...

Short sweet and to the point. My car has been out of commission for 3 1/2 weeks now. The jeep was in an accident putting it out of commission. Fortunately everyone is fine but I can't get Rachel to drive again... yet.  I didn't have full coverage insurance on the jeep, that sucks. Five yelling swearing kids up against Rachel, well she got the blame. I will say that I was on the scene of the accident in  5 minutes and I handled it they way I always wanted to: calm, without blame, and not worrying about things like cars but people.

So have I hit my breaking point yet? No, but I feel it coming fast. I think I am ready to become a hermit and shut the rest of the world out of my life, except my children and good friends. Without them I would not survive. So when life is a mess what do we do? We pray, reach out for help, smile and keep going. If we let the mess win, we only learn defeat and not strength.

Happy But In a Funky Place

I am finding that I am keeping myself overly busy with work, listening to loud music so I don't have to think, and just avoiding certain things. Weird. What am I running and hiding from? Loneliness? I often find myself trying to take care of everyone else that I forget about taking care of myself. I am begining to wonder if I purposely take care of everyone else so I don't have to deal with myself...  just a thought.
I need to get out an exercise. That is something I love to do, it is healthy, and I have been cleared by my physical therapist to go back to. So now where is the motivation? I always get this feeling I have to "look" better to ever attract someone but I just don't care to jump on the band wagon of being something I am not. For me to ever be this skinny attractive lady it would take an obsession with exercising and a lot of unhealthy pills. Been there and down that once, not interested in that again. It is werid because I am happy, I am just in the funky place.

ACTING: Appearing Normal When Messed Up

Sometimes, when I haven't written for awhile, it is not because things are going good, but just the opposite. I have mentioned before that it takes me awhile to process things. I am also realizing that although I speak freely on my blog, some of the things that trouble me the most right now I can't talk about because they involve people who read it. Kind of a catch 22 if you ask me.
Honesty is very important to me. My kids understand this. I believe they know that I would rather they tell me the truth, even if I don't like it, then tell me blatant lies that someday may revel themselves. Having said that I also know that none of us are perfect and misrepresenting the truth is easy to do. To be honest with you, my kids have hardly ever out right lied to me, in fact I can't remember if they ever have. I am thankful for that. Other people have. Other people have really misrepresent truth and even, in my opinion, blatantly lied to me. That is a hard one for me to deal with and forgive.

 My car left me stranded 60 miles from home 10 days ago and has been in the shop ever since. Rachel's schedule is crazy so borrowing her car can be tricky when she has to leave at 6:45am and I don't have to be to work until 7:30am. Driving the 64 Chevy is a real pain and also unreliable. Don't know when or if I will get my car fixed, money to get a new car if needed is tied up in a lost cause and  honestly my brain is too frustrated to think about it.

I have learned since Mike's passing that I don't like being the decision maker. I don't like that the buck has to stop with me. I don't like that people take advantage of you in a time of loss and confusion. Although I seem to have my act together, inside I am often confused and unable to think straight. That is how I am feeling right now. I can express it in type for the world to read, but in reality I have no one I can to talk to.