Deep Rambling Thoughts Bursting Free

I wish I knew what was going on in my head right now! Things just seem to be flying around all scattered. Here goes a few thought I will try to catch and put on paper:

1. I am still trying to figure out why I can't get on top of  my spiritual side. I know there is a God, I just can't get my personal life to draw close to him right now. I do all my church stuff, I just fear drawing to close will bring up so much pain I am not ready to handle, so personal prayer and scripture study is still a bit hard.
   
2. I can not say enough how thankful I am that Rachel is dating a fine young man that goes to church and treats her like a queen. I haven't seen her so happy in a long time. Still with the happiness she is frustrated with her anxiety and ability to score well on tests. She works so hard and studies so much and still struggles to be where she wants. Now having said that, we are also working on the fact that perfection is not reality. Some kids would be so pleased to have the grades she has. To her it is not good enough. And well stupid teachers drive us both crazy and she has had her share of them.
3. In a lot of ways, what Rachel is experiencing with her boyfriend is what I have always wanted. In fact, Rachel is always telling me I'm jealous and she is right! Sometimes at my age I feel it is too late to ever experience that kind of happiness. Mike and I did love each other, there was just a lot of happiness missing. We had a high maintenance marriage with all the illness and we defiantly disagreed a lot on how to raise our kids. Seeing how they are turning out, I think we did a fine job. But like most women, there is this feeling of not being pretty enough, skinny enough, or what ever that big fault is. We can always find the faults, Satan will see to that.You see my mom has told me all my adult life I was fat and Mike had said a few mean things about that so maybe you can understand why I don't think I am good enough the way I am. Losing weight with a hip that prevents me from exercising doesn't help much.
4. So what do I want in a guy? Someone who loves me for who I am now. Someone that would cause me to want to become a better person but not make me. Someone who loves to laugh and be crazy but knows when to be serious and romantic. I don't like drinking, swearing or smoking. Someone who is spiritually strong where I am weak. Well, do guys like that even exist? Ya, they are just all married! 

Believe me I am laughing as much as I am crying as I write this. Maybe my head will stop spinning now that this is working its way out. We are moving into February where Mike and I had a lot of memories. First date, two years later a proposal, lots of Valentines Days that were forgotten and lots that were great. I guess I am just gearing up for all that stuff you see in the stores and psyching myself up for a holiday I have never really liked. At least a few of my kids will enjoy Valentines Day! I can be happy with that for now. 

Old and New

This starts out with a post I wrote at Christmas time but didn't post due to the loss of my friends son. I just found it in my drafts so I will start with it and then add an update!!!
Dec 23
There is so much on my mind tonight and it is very late so I hope this makes sense. It has been a nice Christmas season for me. I enjoyed being a part of the high school's "Winter Wishes" that helped grant Christmas wishes to students. I loved seeing their faces and the joy the gifts brought at the assembly. It always helps bring the Christmas spirit when you give. We also had a lot of fun on "Cookie Day" making tons of cookies. We ended up with 24 plates with 6 varieties of goodies on them and still a ton of left over to eat! Amazingly I have not gained any pounds. It is also fun just having all my kids home. They are so cool and just fun to be with. I am so glad we are as close as we are and I hope that never changes.
I am sad to say that it has been hard for Rachel to get into the Christmas spirit. She just doesn't feel like it is Christmas. She has tried to do things for others and go to Christmas activities but it just isn't helping. I know that any holidays are very difficult for her now without her dad. On this one I just don't know what to tell her or how to help her.

Dec 27
Well the holidays are turning out great and Rachel is enjoying it much better then most holidays due to a fine young man who has made her feel like a princess. I am glad she has such good friends. I don't think I have seen her laugh and smile so much in the last year. It is really nice to see.

Jan 21
Well, I have actually avoided my blog a bit. I don't know why I do that. Either nothing really to write or I can't get the words out I want to write. The New Year has been good so far. I have had lots of work. I am even taking on a M-Th full time job in the library at the high school May and June. Someone is going on maternity leave. That way I can make the money we need to go to France this summer and visit our exchange student. She will provide housing so we just need travel money. That should be an adventure. I hope it will work out that we can go. I have some enormous bills to take care of first but the money I need is tied up. So we will just hope for the best.
I feel like I am living in a constant blur right now. I am doing so much but nothing well. I get things done at the last minute and rush around all the rest the time. I think I am ready for a break. Maybe I won't work next week! I have really enjoyed the substituting I am doing. I definitely have my favorite spots to work! Still spend most of my time with teenagers. Adult buddies are hard to find. Everyone is too busy! I miss my old lunch group and buddies in Redmond. I miss companionship. So staying busy is a good thing I guess.

Lots Of Emotions To Work Through During the Holidays

Sometimes when things get too emotional for me, I can't get on here and write for awhile.  I have to process my feelings so I can deal with them. The holidays were a roller coaster of emotions. It has been fun to have Jeffrey home from college and the kids all home together. We have a ton of fun together and they lift my spirits more then they know. Lots of late nights, games and piling into my bed. Rachel usually has the hardest time with holidays but this year a sweet young man made it the best ever. He came over Christmas Eve with a gift and asked her to be his girlfriend... (AWW, so sweet) When she open the rest of the gift the next day there was a card that said something like "one piece of paper is not enough to list all your wonderful qualities so I will just list the top 10!" He went on to list some of the sweetest things like how her smile brightens his day and how she is so kind to everyone. How could you not fall in like/love with a guy like that! My only comment was were are all the 50 year old guys like that!!! Anyway he was a great distraction for her from the sadness of the holidays.

I also took 8 teens over to Redmond for a epicenter dance on New Years (about 600 teens.) We started the day with ice skating, then Nurf wars, volleyball and pizza. Then the dance. It was all fun until I dropped them off at the dance at 9:30. That is when I drove to Factoria Mall and tried going to a 30+ single adult dance at the Mall. I have decided that going to a dance, to dance, is the worst for me. Mike and I were great dancers and standing on the sidelines feeling like a piece of meat being checked over sucks. I danced one song and the guy realized he was about 15 years younger then me! I guess I really don't look my age! Anyway, that was enough and I had to get out of there. I am finding that it is easier for me to surround myself with teenagers then it is adults. (sorry adult friends...) It is alright with my good adult friends I know well, but over here at the new place, I hang out more with teenagers. So I left the dance quickly and a bit angry at Mike for leaving me and allowing me to be alone. I did spend 25 minutes at my friends house playing a game before I headed out to get the kids. So as the clock struck midnight I found myself alone in the car driving back up to Lynnwood to pick up the kids and listening to songs that made me sad. I decided people shouldn't be alone during times like that. The next morning we headed home so that I could prepare all the food for another dance here in Sequim. That was fun because I kept busy in the kitchen (with the teens) and went out to dance occasionally with my son or the teens! I really am beginning to think I don't do well with other adults! Maybe it is because all my friends have spouses and I feel like a third wheel.Or maybe being around other couples is hard. I don't know, I am still trying to figure all that out.
I try to push through things for the kids so that it appears nothing is affecting me, but it does. The busier I stay the less time I have to think, but there are still a lot of times when I am alone with my thoughts and it is tough.
Having my dear dear friend lose her 24 year old son to suicide over the holidays was not easy but it isn't about me this time. She didn't even call me until the 26th because she didn't want to ruin my Christmas. Now it is my turn to be there for her. I knew I had to go to the funeral to support her. It was the first one I have gone to in the last year. I have chose not to go to others. It was hard but like I said it isn't about me this time. Having gone through what I have you would think I would know what to do or say but I didn't. Healy is so much like me. She is back at work today trying to move forward. She is very strong but yet has a very tender heart right now.  My love goes out to her and her family.
One of these days I am going to write my book and figure out how to get out there as a motivation speaker mainly for the youth but to anyone who thinks life isn't worth living. Maybe if I helped one person it could help my healing move forward faster...