Sunday would have been Mike's 53rd birthday. I got through it mostly by not thinking about him or mentioning it to anyone. Thanksgiving was fine, we had it Wednesday because my son-in-law has to start his long flight back to Iraq on Thanksgiving Day. We put up all the Christmas decorations while he was here because I can't do it myself. (Not good with heights) Anyway, I bought all new tree stuff so we are starting some new traditions. We had the same tree style and decor for the last 27 years so I wanted something new. For our first fake tree, it is actually beautiful. My kids don't like fake, but it is easier for me. So we are set for Christmas now too. I hope I can sit back and enjoy the season.

I don't know how I would get through life if I couldn't write out my thoughts. Funny, I was never good at keeping a journal. This blog really has been a life savor to me in getting through the last year and a half. I have to think a lot before I process things fully. Which means the situation I am dealing with is often over before I think of a good way to handle it. Lots of people ask me for advice too. I wish I could give them better answers then I do.

I had to deal with someone recently that broke my daughter's heart. Not in a relationship way, just an adult that said some uncalled for things about one of my daughter's talents. He was wrong and it was really uncalled for. I was there when it happened and didn't even know how to respond or what to say. It took me by surprise and it also took me all night to process what had happened. I finally figured out how to respond appropriately and not rudely.  To bad I didn't responded to him at the time. The hardest part was trying to convince my daughter that he was wrong, while she cried in my arms for an hour. I really hope I have never said anything so foolish that it deeply hurt someone.

We need to spend more time reinforcing the good in people rather then focusing on negative things. Life is hard enough so don't make it even harder on yourself or others.

Looking into my grandson's big, loving, trusting eyes just makes me melt. If I had one wish this Christmas season it would be that everyone who reads this does something wonderful for another person that they normally wouldn't help. Just imagine how many people we could touch. Start with a smile and a kind word!

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If they celebrate birthdays in Heaven, Happy Birthday Mike...

A Blog By A Depressed Person

I recently read Eric D. Snider's web page (thank you Dave) and found it interesting and humorous. It might help some of you realize what it is like for a depressed person. He describes things very well. Having said that some might find his graphic pictures a bit offensive. But what he describes might help you understand life for a depressed person.

http://www.ericdsnider.com/snide/the-great-depression/

Correction, Updates and Memories!

I need to correct myself. After a friend apologized for some suggestions she made I realized I may have intimidated friends from wanting to suggests anything to me! That is not what I meant. I appreciate wholeheartedly the ideas, books, medical info and stuff that has been given me. I still may not follow it, but I do appreciate it. What drives me crazy are the suggestions that come with "you are under stress and not thinking clearly you have to do this..." or "I don't think you can handle this maybe you should...." It is the comments or suggestions that are given with the attitude that they know better then I do because I am under to much stress or pressure. I actually perform better under pressure most of the time. So please don't take what I said wrong and be afraid to suggest books, doctors, supplements, and other ideas. I had a person tell me after Mike's death that I didn't know how to grieve properly because I wasn't do what he thought I should be doing. I am the one coping well and he is still trying to understand and figure out why his family member took their life years ago. So I am sorry if I offended anyone with my previous post.
As for the update, Chris arrived safely from Iraq for a short emergency leave. We had a conference call family meeting and Marie discussed with us her "plan of action." She talked about what she needed to change in her live, goals she was setting and all kinds of stuff that she had to fill out in a workbook before she could be released. After hearing her take responsibility for her actions and future Chris and I were able to give added opinion. The hospital made sure she had a plan. She is sounding great and we are hoping that her new meds will kick in quickly. I was very pleased with how they handled her case. It made me very sad to think about when I hospitalized Mike in the psychiatric ward at the University of Washington in 2000. They had him do some of the same activities but added pointless art activities. They never had me involved with anything and I was never talked to by his doctors. Maybe I am forgetting something but I remember coming away from his hospital stay feeling like "what do I do with him now?" With Marie we have a plan, we were involved in the discussion of it and her doctor's seemed to rely heavily on the support of the family. I wish I would have had that with Mike.

It Will Not Happen In My Family Again!

Things I have learned:

• I will not allow the disease of depression to take another family member without putting up a major fight.
• No one has ever been in the exact situation I am in so thanks for the advice, but honestly you don't know what is best, I do. I do appreciate suggestions, advice, talking and stuff, but I don't have to follow it. Right now I am in control, I do know what I am doing, and I am thinking clearly and in the best interest of my family.
  
• No doctor is going to shut me down and not listen. I proved that this weekend and they actually thanked me after they listened. They could also tell that I knew what I was talking about and that I am capable of dealing with the current situation.
  

Having said all that, I better explain where those comments are coming from. My daughter Marie also suffers from depression. Although hers is very different from my husband, it is also the same. Where Mike would surround himself with positive things, service and good music, Marie has always surrounded herself with depressing music and negative things.

Her medicine was changed in September and never worked. So she was hitting a major low. I talked her into going back to her doctor last week and he gave her a new prescription but she never filled it. I called her most mornings to make sure she was up and taking care of Ethan. Her life revolves around Ethan right now so she was doing the best she could. I bought the house she lives in and made sure Jeffrey moved in downstairs to keep tabs on things when Chris is gone. I have had a plan from the day Marie moved to Utah.
Jeffrey came home Saturday night to find Marie unconscious on the kitchen floor from taking too many sleeping pills. She did not want to die; she just wanted to sleep away the pain. Now some people may say, "what was she thinking." May I correct you, she wasn't thinking. If I have learned one thing about this disease, it keeps the mind captive from thinking. Consequences of your actions is not part of their thought process. The pain she was talking about was not physical it is mental and when your meds are not working you cannot see a light at the end of the tunnel.
Jeffrey called 911 and Marie was taken to the hospital. This was my first encounter with doctors because Marie wasn't conscious to sign a form allowing information to be released to me. They did finally listen to my information even though they couldn't give me info. Naturally it helped them. I had to deal with flights, Red Cross, getting info to her husband in Iraq, etc.
Marie is fine and stable and is being treated in a psychiatric ward. This is a good thing. I put Mike through hospitalization once and it was very helpful. I did a 24 hour flight there and home. I got to see her and she will pull though this. She feels ashamed and stupid, but like I said she was not thinking. I brought Ethan back with me so he can be taken care of. I have ALWAYS had a major problem with child protective services (what a joke) so I told Jeffrey that until I got there if anyone showed up they needed a search warrant to step in my house! So Ethan is with me and having fun. He loves it here with the big yard and dog. He gets to talk to his mommy by phone daily. When Marie is released, she will be living under my care. We will have a controlled environment for her. Part of that will be designed to teach her to take better care of herself and Ethan.
What I have learned from the last few years is that I have an amazing network of friends. I am thankful for all your prayers and love. I am thankful for those who thought for me when I was foggy. Thanks for the rides, packing, talking, food, prayers, and for being a part of my life.