"Firsts" Are Still Difficult, Even With A Positive Attitude

"Firsts" definitely are difficult. I love springtime, I was born in the spring, married in the spring and it is just a beautiful time of the year.

As I approach my birthday, I think I will make it through alright. Half the time Mike never did anything for my birthday anyway. Then other times he really went all out. But this is a landmark birthday. I really have no plans to do anything. Rachel has play rehearsal every evening from here until May 8th so I could go out to dinner alone... but that doesn't sound fun. I enjoy life so I really don't mind getting older. I do mind getting older alone. I really do hate not having someone around to share intimate feelings and thoughts with. Someone to be with.

As for the anniversary, I am not sure how to get through that one except to just stay busy. It would be our 28th anniversary. It is weird to think that I have been married more of my life then I was single. Maybe that is why I hate being single so much, just not used to it. Sometimes I see all the single women out there and I think maybe I should be happy for what I had and not worry about dating so they can have a chance at that same kind of happiness. Then I think who would want to marry me anyway! I am happy with who I am and I really don't have weird hangups, but most guys can't see beyond my few extra pounds to figure that out. Wait, there are no guys around here to date so maybe I am wrong about that!!! I guess I shouldn't worry about dating until Rachel is in college anyway, she might rebel on me! I joke with her about double dating all the time and she just rolls her eyes.

As for Mothers Day, I used to say that by the time it came my family was sick of doing things for me! Having a birthday, anniversary and then Mother's Day all spread out in one week is too much to focus on one person! I have fantastic kids so I am sure they will do their best to take care of me during this up coming week of more "firsts."

Truth be told, while Rachel has been off doing her own thing, being by myself these last few weeks have been difficult. I try and keep busy but when I am all alone and it is quiet, my doubts and fears creep in the most. I am a survivor, so it will all be okay.