Don't Tell Me I Don't Understand . . .

You know what I don't like? When someone tells you that you don't understand. Understand what? Pain? Frustration? Anger? Loneliness? Do people think they have a corner on the market because they have a symptom to more of a degree then others? Those of us that are old get told by the younger generation, "you don't understand, you're too old, things were different for you." Or we are told by someone who is chronically sick, "you don't know what it is like to suffer on a daily basis." Maybe not from their same aliment, but I think we have all suffered pain, sickness, disappointment, loneliness, heartache, etc.
I know what it is like to try and be strong for everyone else around you. Because I have the ability to see beyond a challenge or trying moment doesn't mean I don't have them. It doesn't mean I don't get down and lose a little faith every now and then.
Pain, well I feel that emotionally everyday when people talk about their husband's and father's and I don't have that anymore. Pain, to move and walk some days because of an aging body and the aliments of an awful car accident. Frustration that I don't know how to take care of this house and yard. Frustration that I don't have all the answers for my kids. Angry that I am in a situation I didn't choose to be in. Angry at myself for not doing the things I know I should be. Angry for 27 years of a marriage with very few, "I love yous" and now none. Lonely when I am home by myself knowing that someday it could be like this every night.
I may not have been in the same exact situation as someone else, but don't tell me I don't understand emotions. Most all of us do. They can teach us love and compassion for others. They can help us become stronger and more helpful to others. Some days can be really hard and the thought crosses our mind, "why me?" At the end of the day I try to smile and think to myself, "I guess I would rather it be me going through this then someone I love." Even with all the stuff I have to deal with, I would gladly take on the burdens of someone I love if it would easy their pain. So don't tell people they don't understand. Express your feelings and let others help you. They may have more wisdom to give you to help you get through then you could ever imagine. And when talking doesn't help, hugs usually do.

"Never let a problem to be solved become more important then a person to be loved." Henry B. Erying

Life Is Tough, But Also Wonderful

So it appears readership is slowing down, I guess my life is getting more normal and boring! Actually when I have something to write, it is often too difficult to deal with so I wait and then I forget about it. That is a sign of old age I guess!
It was really nice to have yet another stranger compliment me on my smile the other day, but even better was what took place last night. I was at the away football game for our high school and busy taking pictures on our OLD 35mm camera. One of the young men I know from school came over to talk to me. I seem to run into a lot of school kids around town so it is fun when they aren't embarrassed to come talk to me in public. This young man who really doesn't know our family well, came over to tell me how beautiful Rachel's smile was! I was so happy to hear that because she has a beautiful smile and it always shows when she is "on stage." She is having a great time as a cheerleader and she is still keeping her grades and standards high.
I am so glad for my relationship with my children. We have a lot of love and respect for each other. Of course I think they are wonderful and the best kids ever, but they really have been a blessing in my life. They each have their strengths and their weaknesses. Although dealing with their weaknesses often seems overwhelming, I think recognizing their strengths can be equally as difficult. We try to teach our children to be humble and not boastful so recognizing a talent often seems difficult to them. To recognize a talent may seem boastful or vain, but we have all been blessed with talents and if we don't recognize what the Lord has blessed us with it seems disrespectful to Him. I guess the difficulty is to recognize our talents as a blessing and not as "look at me, I am great." Sometimes it is hard to receive a complement because of this. Sometimes we don't recognize a talent because it is not "perfect" yet. Talents need to be continually strengthened and developed so I believe we should not expect perfection and accept complements gracefully. As far as the weaknesses we all have, well I guess we have to "bear our burdens well for however long they last" (L. Whitney Clayton) Some weaknesses or burdens don't seem fair or we allow them to make us feel worthless. These things do give us experience and will help us learn empathy for others. Who knows why we have to suffer certain things, but we do, so we might as well learn from them and help make the world a better place. Easier said then done? Yes it is but hopefully we have lots of future time to work on things. It is all in how we look at things. Is your cup half empty or half full?

Just Rambling Thoughts

I was going through some pictures and found this cute one of Ethan "driving" Mike's old pick-up! He sat there turning the wheel and not wanting to get out. We had a lot of fun paling around and I miss that.

I finally bought the last thing that was on Mike's list for the house. He wanted a coffee table set, bar stools and a porch swing. Early this year I picked up the coffee table set he had picked out and after it arrived I wasn't sure I even liked it, but it grew on me. I picked up the bar stools early this month and we love eating at the bar and looking at the mountains far off and the cows right across the street. Now I needed the porch swing. So the other day I finally broke down and bought one. After building it, I sat there on the porch for awhile just looking off into the yard. That is when it kind of hit me. There should be a garage built over there and Mike should be working in it. It made me shed a few tears over the fact that what we had planned will never be. I wasn't sure if this made me mad, sad or just disappointed in him. I do know what he chose to do was not fair to the rest of the family, but then again when is life fair?

Well it has been awhile since I was on here. I guess that means I have been keeping busy and doing good. Actually I was spending a lot of time with my grandson before he left for home. So the house is now quiet and clean. I think I would rather have it full of toys and squeals! Ethan loved hanging around outside with me. We would walk to the mailbox, play with the dog, watch the cows, he would do anything to stay outside. He even spent an afternoon helping a young man I hired do yard work. Ethan thought he was pushing the wheel barrel but Hunter was pulling it from the front! I really enjoyed it when he would babble on endlessly to me about what he was doing. I took him to two of the high school football games and he would look around until he spotted Rachel cheer leading. At first he would bury his face in my shoulder if I started screaming for our team but he got used to it. He loves to watch the video I took of the game. We spent our last day together at the Seattle Aquarium.
So now it is back to normal life if you can call it that. I will be working 3 1/2 days this week at the high school. I am substituting in biology tomorrow, how fun is that! Jeffrey better have his cell phone on in case I need help!!! Speaking of Jeffrey he is doing great in school. He is trying to decide where to do his PhD. He has another year to think about it. Rachel is doing great in school and is very involved. She has a good schedule and is handling things very well.
As for me, I am doing good. I hang out with a bunch of teenagers. It would be nice to have some adult companionship (especially guys) but that isn't likely to happen around here. So for now it is late start Monday breakfast for about 20 high school students, weekend movie nights and football games. On Mondays I actually have about 20 kids show up at the house and we cook breakfast before school starts! It is a lot of fun. Even with the kids always around, it does get lonely for adult companionship sometimes.

Reminiscing and Looking Forward To the Future

I recently had some time to do some reminiscing. Like always there is good and bad that comes with that. The online memorial that was kept up for a year on the internet obituary page was bound and printed out before going off line. After it arrived, I sat and read all the wonderful comments people had written about Mike. The good memories, the prayers for our family and the caring concern for our future. It was all very touching.
I also received the hard bound book I had printed from my blog and I was very impressed at how nice it is. (The same company did both books.) For the first time in a long time I have a journal. I love reading my ancestors journals but I am really bad at keeping one. This online journal has worked well for me. What I often forget is that people are actually reading my online journal!

It is interesting that people find it odd that I am doing so well. I get calls from loving family and friends who want to make sure we are fine. I think we are doing pretty good. It is almost like some of them are trying to get me to tell them some suppressed thoughts or feelings that don't exist! I am looking forward to the future and what it holds. Who knows what direction things will go in. That is actually kind of fun to think about.
I am also glad I don't have any weird quirks . . . all my friends are laughing now. I mean I don't have any skeletons in the closet to come back and haunt me and I am not weird in the strange kind of sense! I don't have bazaar habits and idiosyncrasies. Unless you think carrying a toothbrush in the car and wearing socks to bed is strange . . .but that is not bad if that is all that is weird about me!
So I am looking forward to a relationship with a nice normal man that only has two weird quarks like me. I am sure there must be someone out there that fits the bill! In the meantime, I will focus on my family and myself. When I try to figure out what I want to accomplish from here on out, I am really blank. About all I can come up with is:

• become physical fit and darn good looking!!! (lots of hard work on that one!)
  
• travel to France, Denmark and go on a Caribbean Cruise
• Write a book
• spend lots of time with someone I love

Life has been good and the road has been an adventure. I would not trade it and would not repeat it, but I will continue to enjoy it.

Summer Coming to An End and Miracles still Happening in America

We continue to have a revolving front door. My son-in-law had a four day leave and flew up here to see Marie & Ethan. It was fun to have their little family here. They stayed in a bed and breakfast close by while I entertained Ethan. It was nice because they could come and go. They received a wonderful surprise when one of the other couples they met at the bed and breakfast left a check with the owner paying for Marie and Chris' entire four day stay. The world still has good people with big hearts and miracles still happen. The cool thing is that they were a couple from Redmond and lived less then 5 minutes from our old house. It was a wonderful gift for Maire's little family. It is also nice to see people respect the military and what they are doing for our country. During their breakfast meals they chatted with the other couples so everyone knew Chris was heading to Iraq and had a short leave. It is one thing to spend 10 or 20 bucks on someones meal, but this was close to $800 for four days of lodging and food. It would be wonderful to do things like that for others without expecting anything in return. What a wonderful couple.
Now we are entertaining mom and Phil. They came up for moms 84th birthday on Friday. We are going to have a small surprise party for her. I have been getting cards from relatives that live in other states. So she will at least have some cards to open. Getting old has got to be tough. After they leave then school will be starting. Marie will fly to Texas for one more visit with Chris before he is overseas and I will have Ethan for a few days! Ya for grandma time. He LOVES being outside here and free to run all over. Ethan is a really good little guy. I sure enjoy having him around. We spend lots of time outside together. He even helped me power wash the driveway!

So as you see, not much slowing down has taken place yet. I did take some time to finish some yard work. I had a few good workers (Hunter and my son-in-law) do lots of weed whacking. I totally replanted one of the flowerbeds that was a mess of overgrown plants. It looks so much better and now has wonderful smelling lavender in it. So even though I really don't like yard work, it is getting done and looking better.

On another note, it is a new but fun thing to be flirted with! I am not used to that. So when someone does flirt with me, I feel like a million dollars!!! It almost makes me feel like I am back in high school again. Speaking of feeling young, I had someone at the store guess my age at 40. Oh how that feels good and makes all the $$ spent on expensive skin care products worth it! Thanks NuSkin for helping me stay young looking!!!

Slowing Down The Pace - Book 2

Book 2 is added to the title because I just had my blog bound in book form so I can keep it as a journal. This will be the start of the next book. As I was doing this task on line, I decided to add more pictures of this last year. Looking at these pictures I realized in the worst of times I had some of the best times ever. Not many people get to set $$$ aside to use as a release from life. Knowing how difficult this past year would be I sold one of Mike's stocks and used it just for get away fun. Perfect timing to if you know what I mean. With that money and the kindness of others donating timeshares and homes we were able to go to Victoria for Thanksgiving, Hawaii for Christmas, Disneyland, two trips to Utah and a trip to California to help out my lifelong friend in her move. Rachel said we have flown around way to much! So this past year has been full of family, friends and good times. It does seem to soften the reality of life.
Now it is time to slow down and start getting back into a routine. It is time to make a new budget, work a little and start saving.
Rachel has been doing very well. No major anxiety attacks since last March. She is so involved with school this year that I hope she can maintain her grades. Not that I have strict expectations on her grades, but she does!!! Rachel had the opportunity to go to a recording studio and record some songs. it was a lot of fun. She record a song called "Virtue" for a competition and it is amazing. I am sure the other 99 contests were good too, but Rachel was amazing!!! (Okay, I am her mom.)
Jeffrey has done well in school. He had a 4.0 winter and summer semesters. It seems that when he is at his busiest he is dating the most! He loves working in the lab at U of U. Like his dad, he is way to hard on himself sometimes. I keep telling him we are not perfect in this life, just doing our best to become that way. It is really hard to teach someone to not get down in the process since we all have our ups and downs in life.
Marie and Ethan are here visiting us and it is so fun. Ethan is such a treasure. Chris' unit hasn't let for Iraq yet but they are down in Texas. So he gets a 4 day leave and he is flying up here to see them tomorrow. That will be nice for them and I get to babysit! Ethan loves his daddy.
Now it is time to slow down and get back into a school schedule. That means getting up at 6:30 every morning, getting back to the gym (I am about to hit a weight that I haven't been at in over 10 years!), and having a schedule to life not just waking up each day to see what needs done. When I think about what I want to do with the next few years I am often blank. I want to get Rachel through school, but what do I want? It seems we are taught to do for others first that when we get to a place in life were we could actually do something for ourselves, we are blank. We really don't know how to care for our own needs as well as we do for others. I think I may want to write a book, do some family history, and travel to Europe. Big goals but it is fun to dream...

Traveling and Seeing Family

As summer winds down we are almost done with the last of our summer trips. It has been fun to see all the kids together. Ethan is so adorable. He learned that if he puts something on his Jack-in-the-Box that it flies across the room when it pops! He is such a good little guy most of the time. He is ALWAYS saying, "thank-you!" I love getting up with him in the morning and just snuggling. He loves to sit and snuggle in the mornings. He is missing daddy now that Chris is off serving our country for the next year. But they get phone time in. Ethan loves to use mommy's phone and often calls me without her knowing! I just hear all this gibberish stuff on the other end and know it is my grandson wanting to talk.
Marie and Ethan will be staying with us for a few weeks in Washington and that will be fun.
While in Utah visiting I was able to see a lot of friends and family. We are having a Sunday dinner with two of my cousins and their families I haven't seen in years plus my uncle Jack. Jack is so much like my dad; I just love when I get to see him.
We are doing the zoo and Lagoon with friends and I am going to lunch with a group of old friends from Kirkland that have all moved down here. So we have been busy. Lots of back to school shopping too. That is something we never really did in the past.
I also had a great time chatting with a good friend about life and "the law of attraction." Attracting good or bad things to our lives not necessarily an attraction of a person. Something that has caused me to do a lot of thinking. He is at a place in his life where he gets to redefine who he is and what he wants to do in life. Amazingly, I really relate to that. It has caused me to really think about what I want in my future and what I still want to do with my life. Lots to ponder about. What do I want? Lots to think about.

Festivals, Photos, Friends and Challenges

It has been a busy week, but what else is new in our fast paced American lives? Last weekend was the Lavender Festival in Sequim and I had 4 UW college students come for the festivities. We had a lot of fun. We also went to the game farm to see the animals. I let Suzanne drive my car with Susan and Catherine up front so they could see the animals up close and personal! It was very funny to see Catherine leap away from the window when a yak decide to stick his head in!!! Fun times.
Rachel also had some portraits taken. She has wanted to take them with the pickup for a long time so we took dad's old 66 Chevy and grandpa Chumley's old cowboy hat and had some fun. She has done some great editing to the photos for color emphasis but I don't have those on my computer. She is very good at photo editing. So it has been a fun busy summer so far.
She is sure growing up fast!

This past week Rachel was off to cheer camp
so I did a little traveling. I saw my mom and Phil. Then I went to lunch and dinner with a lot of different dear friends and spent some time with the Munks. So it was a fun trip for me. By the time I picked up the girls from cheer camp, we were all ready to go home.
Now that we are home, well it is boring and I am back to the same old stuff. Mow the lawn, file papers, go through boxes of stuff. . . it can really get old. That will keep me busy for awhile until I get restless and want to go again!
On another note, I find it interesting that even when we are happy and enjoying life, we really never seem to be completely happy with ourselves. We are very critical of ourselves. For example, instead of focusing on my smile, every now and then I find myself focusing on my weight. I guess it doesn't help when I come back from my mom's place. I told her I was going to go in her bathroom to take a shower and she asked me if I would fit in her shower because it is small. Excuse me? Just because she weighs 100 pounds doesn't mean I am that huge! I have dealt with that all my life with her. I guess I didn't get her metabolism. It makes me feel like I will never be good enough for any one unless I get thin. What is with that and why do we do that to ourselves? True confessions from my marriage? I never did feel good enough for Mike. There was always something wrong with me. I don't ever want to feel like that again!!! We always said he was honest to a fault, (if that is even possible.) If I walked downstairs ready to go somewhere, instead of complimenting me he would point out what was wrong. One time he told me the color of my dress wasn't appropriate for church...WHAT? We have church colors??? Anyway living with that and my mother, I guess sometimes I let it get to me and I go off track. I love who I am. I can always get better. I don't need the world to tell me what I should or shouldn't look like. Now if I can just believe that 100% of the time and not let the world's standards get to me...

Made My Day!

If there is one thing that can make my day, it is when my smile and happiness can change someone else's day! I walked out of a store today, the sun was shinning, I was smiling and my hair looked great! As I was walking to my car a lady and her friend were walking by and she said, "wow, you look really happy!" I told her thanks, we all smiled and she stated as she walked away that more people needed to be that happy! It felt wonderful and we all went off happy and with smiles. What a great thing a smile is.

Miscellaneous Wandering of the Mind

What a week. I had one really bad day when everything went wrong. I just about broke into tears several times in public. Not sure what was going on other then I was trying to tackle stupid little things I never used to have to deal with. I went to Sears 4 times that day! Lots of parts and $50 later, the lawnmower grass catcher still doesn't work! But I got a new weed wacker and I like it.
I got my third notice from Consumer Reports that they automatically extended Mike's subscription and want to be paid. No where on the invoice is there a phone number to call so I then checked the web site. No number. For the third time (but this time with a little more passion) I scribbled in black marker, "HE IS DECEASED! If you would put a phone number on here I would call you to cancel this. DON'T SEND ME ANY MORE BILLS or Magazines!" I was so frustrated with these guys. They make it so hard to stop the subscription. Just a lot of little things that day.
But life always gets better. I have been doing a lot of cleaning and throwing away stuff. That is enjoyable to do. I just have to tackle my office and bedroom! After I had cleaned all day, Rachel and her friend Laura got in the hot tub. I planned to join them but got busy on the phone instead. About 11 Rachel heard a knock on the kitchen window that sent her to the floor screaming! There were definitely people outside, but who? All the boys were on a 50 mile bike trip in the San Juan Islands. I had the girls turn out all the lights so we could see out and sure enough two things dressed in black were running around. I knew they were friends, so I eventually scared them and the girls came in the house to join us. We started another movie and then talked until 4am. As I was crawling into bed I noticed a light coming in from outside and thought I left the back porch light on. Upon further examination I realized the light was coming from the horizon! I managed to fall asleep but at 6am I woke up to a start. I could hear water running and the cat running up and down the hall in a panic. I jumped up to find the water in my bathroom tub was running! When I found the cat he was all wet. I can only guess that he was in the big tub and went to jump out and pulled on the handle falling back in and getting wet!!! Crazy cat. Needless to say as always, a bad day at the beginning of the week didn't keep me from having a good time the rest of the week.
Today I even enjoyed mowing the lawn with my new safety headphones with an I-Pod attachment. Nothing like sun, music and dancing to the tunes while sitting on my lawnmower.... okay so I did look a bit odd. I think my neighbors thought I was nuts because when I finished I was hot and gross so I ran through the sprinklers in my clothes......

July 5th Not the Best Day of the Year...

July 5th 2002 around 1:00 we were driving toward Salmon, Idaho after dropping Marie off at college. Mike fell asleep at the wheel and we rolled at least three times. I still have vivid memories of being trapped in the car wondering where and how my children were, the jaws of life cutting me out, the ambulance ride, and the months of rehab. My body will be recovering from that for the rest of my life. I am sure my family and friends have noticed I usually do all the driving. I still can have flashbacks of rolling and I just feel safer behind the wheel. It still amazes me that Mike and the kids walked away from this.

July 5th 2008 was the day of Mike's funeral. It was a very beautiful service. I will never forget my friend staying close by just to hand me Kleenex. That was touching to me. She wasn't sure how else to help and yet that was one of the best things she could have done. The worst memory of that day was after they put the cassette in the car, the funeral director asked me if I wanted to say goodbye before they closed the door. I thought to myself, what kind of a question is that. Of course I didn't want to say good-bye, I never wanted to say good-bye. This wasn't even supposed to be happening. I was too young to be a widow.

So you can see, July 5th isn't exactly my favorite day of the year.

One More Hard Day Coming Up

I was right. My mind played last year over twice. First on Monday and Tuesday because those were the days of the week last year. I kept thinking about what was happening and when and how we were discovering Mike's death. It was almost surreal. Then again on Tuesday and Wednesday it played out because it was the actually dates of things. Sounds weird but Jeffrey said he kind of did the same thing. The first time it was more methodical. The second time it was more sad and there were more tears.
Rachel was off at a summer camp and spent an hour Tuesday night crying in her room with her roommate. I am thankful she had a friend with her. Marie decided to make it her own personal "Depression Awareness Day." Jeffrey and I talked and just had everything run through our heads over and over again. I think I shed more tears hearing about how hard it was for them then I did for myself. Let's hope the 5th isn't a replay of the funeral day.
I actually spent a lot of the day doing yard work, which I hate and Mike loved. So I guess I was still trying to please him and make the yard look good. Strange. I still think about him, us, our family a lot. I suppose I always will, but I am so ready to move on. I would love to find someone who has all Mike's good qualities like patience, kindness, integrity, honesty, and a good work ethic. I would also like to add the qualities I always felt were missing. I would love to have someone who would dote over me, hold me, and love me for who I was no matter what. Someone who isn't afraid to say, "I love you," instead of assuming I could tell by the things he did. Maybe I am unrealistic and asking for the moon, but I want to feel passionately loved next time around. What they heck, don't we all deserve the best for a little while in this life?

One Year and 5,500 Hits Later...

The house in Redmond sold and that is good.It is out of my hair forever. I now have no debt, but it is heartbreaking to walk away from that house only getting a $460,000 mortgage paid off and $19,500 in cash. The Realtors and others get the rest. Since $90,0000 went into that house in the last year it is very heartbreaking. That is life and at least it is now over. I drove by the house twice this weekend while I was over there. I don't know what I expected to find. It is just an empty shell, a house; it hasn't been a home for awhile.
My mind has been a bit confused today. Although Mike died on the 30th, last year it was on a Monday. So today everything kept playing out in my mind over and over. I feel like I will have to live it all over again tomorrow when it is actually the 30th. My mind just thinks about the fact that I called Reed on Monday night. In fact it was about this time at night that I was talking Reed into going over to the house to check on Mike. Although the death certificate says he died around 0100 which would be 1am, I know that it was later because he posted an e-mail to me at 4am. When Reed found him it was around 11:30pm.
I spent the day in Redmond with friends. I was hoping to keep my mind busy. As I chatted with them my mind would wander. I am very good at looking held together on the outside when inside I am a total mess. I finally felt like I just wanted to be alone so I drove back home to Sequim. So I guess I will be spending the 30th home alone. I don’t know if that is good or bad yet, but I just feel like being alone. Last night I had to take a sleeping pill to fall asleep. It will most likely be like that all week. I just can’t shut my mind off.
One year later and 5,500 hits to this blog, someone out there must be following all this. The big question I get is, “how are you really doing?” The answer is, “I don’t know.” Some days are good and some are bad. One year is up so most of the “firsts” are over. I don’t think it gets easier, I just think distance makes the pain softer until someone else can come along and fill in the void. I hope the kids are all okay. Rachel is off at a summer camp (EFY) with friends around her. Marie and Jeffrey are together hopefully giving each other support. For me, I just felt like being alone.

Made it Through Friday and Saturday

Friday - After a LONG annoying time, the house in Redmond closed Friday. I sold it for $100,000 less then it was worth, but it is no longer a thorn in my side anymore. The closing date changed 3 times this week. The buyers almost backed out over a $300 credit they wanted to fix something their inspector said was fine. Oh well, it is over. Rachel and I went camping with some other girls and had a good time. I actually got up early (I didn't sleep so might as well) and walked to the overlook of the beach. It was cool to see a bald eagle soaring above the beach, but below me. Good luck I hope!
Saturday - After coming home from camping we drove to the closest mall (one hour away) and did some retail therapy! We rushed home at 6 and then had 12 kids show up to watch a movie on the big screen. Keeps my mind busy and off of things I don't want to think about.