Earlier this year, my daughter wrote a beautiful post on Infertility and the difficulty it was to go through. It was an eye opener. So I took her format and wrote what it is like to be a widow. This Christmas season, take care of the widows in your life. It is a hard place to be and none of us asked for the title.

What does it mean to be a widow?
It is making decisions you thought you would never have to make
It is deciding if you want your name on a headstone yet
It is cooking for one
It is candle lite dinners alone
It is trying to figure out where you fit in
It is sitting home lonely because you don't want to be a burden to anyone
It is learning to live alone, for the first time in your life
It is holding yourself together for your children
It is learning to sing and smile again
It is filing paperwork to get what is rightfully yours
It is trying to make everyone happy with your decision
It is a ton of 'why me'
It is piling junk on the bed so the space next to you doesn't seem so empty
It is having the first year of difficult dates pass, when everyone else is over your loss in a week
It is not knowing what to do with your future
It is staying out late with your widow friends so you don't have to go home to an empty house
It is wishing couples wouldn't complain about being married
It is wanting to be surrounded by family during holidays so you won't feel so alone
It is wondering if your kids will call
It is being told not to talk to your friend's husband anymore because you are single
It is being forgotten when your church has a dance or party for couples
It is learning to kill the spiders, fix the electrical issues, and make your own home repairs
It is having a hole in your heart and life
It is not having someone to discuss politics rationally with anymore
It is not having someone's hand to hold when you need strength
It is holding your pet when there is no one to hold you
It is trying to feel love on Valentine's Day
It is hiding the pain of loneliness
It is not wanting to date because you can't ever replace your spouse
It is wanting to date so you don't have to live alone
It is not being invited out with your married friends anymore
It is going out to dinner alone
It is not having someone to kiss on New Year's Eve
It is wondering if you are a horrible person when you move on
It is deciding when to take off your wedding ring
It is depending on God for survival and to walk with you
It is finding out you have joined the Widows Club, a club you didn't want to join with a very high entry price paid

The Adventures of Moving

For the past few years I have spent my summers in Utah to be closer to my kids. Then I head back to Washington for the school year to get work substituting in the schools. This year when I went back to Washington, I sat at home for two weeks with very little interaction, no work, and mostly political phone calls. There were the occasional calls from my aunt Donna but most of my interaction came from Facebook.That is when I finally felt, I am done here. It is time to move on to a new adventure and what an adventure it has been!

When I finally decided to move to Utah permanently, things started moving fast. I had a lot of time to pack, so I did a few boxes everyday. I made one dump run, overfilled my garbage can weekly and made at least 6 Goodwill runs.  When you have time to pack, you can pack things just the way you want. It was nice. Two of my dear friends from Redmond came over to Sequim to pack some of my kitchen and bookshelf. It was so fun to have them there and spend time together. Very few friends in Sequim offered to help box, and  by the time they did, it was to late and I was done. I don't think they realized how soon I was leaving.

I don't know how anyone tackles major events in their lives without a church family. When it came time to load the truck, Jeffrey had flown home to help me. The 16-18 year old boys from church and their leaders came to help. One of the leaders is my second cousin Vance Willis. He is an amazing packer! We packed a 27 foot U-Haul but it wasn't enough. I needed another 17' truck that I would drive. So the next day Jeffrey and Vance packed the small truck and we were finally ready to head out.

The first leg of the trip was from Sequim to Portland and it rained the entire way. I asked Jeffrey if he wanted to travel with the cat or dog. He chose the cat and I was glad. Our hotel nights with the animals were great. They were traveling pretty well and they behaved in the hotels-. The second day we went from east Portland to Burley, Idaho. It rain all the way to Boise and was a long day but having walkie talkies with us made it nice. Somewhere before crossing into Utah, Jeffrey heard a strange noise so we stopped and checked out the trucks but couldn't find anything wrong.

Two times after that cars driving by were trying to tell Jeffrey something about his van. We would stop and check it out but saw nothing. Upon returning the van to the U-Haul store, Chris and Jeffrey realized that the back inside tire was flat! We were so blessed not to have an accident driving with that flat!

So for now, I have 3/4 of my stuff in the new house that I don't own yet, 1/4 is in storage and a few odds and ends are with me. I have no idea where most of my clothes are, where any of my make-up is, and I am living in a basement with boxes surrounding me so I feel like I am in a cave with two animals! This is definitely and adventure.

How am I holding up with all this? Better at times. I have lost 8 pounds most likely from stress. I feel homeless (and if you know the 'Forgotten Carols' I am guessing you are singing right now like my kids keep doing.)  Honestly, it feels like I don't belong anywhere. Very strange feelings for me but that is honestly how I am feeling. Helpless, lost, unsure, nervous, displaced and sometimes sad.  It is all very strange, but I know it is just temporary.