Stupid Idea

So for some dumb reason I got on Mike's old lap top today. I wanted to make sure he wasn't getting e-mails from tax clients who didn't know about his passing. Of course I have already ready everything in it, but I went to the folder with my name on it anyway and started reading letters that went back and forth between us. I have to say, some where not real good.
Mike took himself off some of his meds in Nov 07. I didn't put it all together until after the fact but I remember at Christmas time he spoke harshly to me in front of our guests. That was not normal. Then as the new year was getting underway, I noticed several times how Mike would make rude comments to me. This was very out of character for him. I can only remember Mike raising his voice in our home once or twice in 27 years of marriage and that was while he was in a depressed state. Anyway, while he was in Redmond, there was an e-mail exchange between us that wasn't so pleasant. I basically let him know something I spent $75 on to updating my teaching certificate and he hit the roof. I was trying to clarify where he was coming from and he thought I was e-mail bashing with him. Anyway, why I went back and read these is beyond me. It was painful. That was about the time I had a one on one conversation with him on why he was so edgy and harsh. That is when I learned he took himself off his meds. It explained so much about his recent actions that I hadn't understood.
Still I ventured back into those e-mails and brought back all those sad memories. I have done a great job of building a wall around my emotions. It is like I have to be strong for everyone else that I don't take a break and let loose. Even now I read those letters painfully but with no outward emotions slipping out. I can't seem to just let it flow.
I can't be mad at Mike, he was suffering. I can't be happy for him, he just up and quit on us. I can't just move on, I don't know what to move on to. I can be sad for our children. I guess for me I am just numb and currently emotionless.
I have learned that I am an excellent actress for the public!!! (I can fool a lot of people)

Didn't Expect That

I was showing our exchange student some family videos of Marie and Rachel singing and she asked if Jeffrey sang. I said yes then found the graduation CD we had from 2004. He sang at graduation so I looked for it. On the CD Mike represented the school parent board and said a few words then handed out awards. Rachel sat frozen. I just listened to his voice for the first time in 8 months. It was . . . well let's just say a lot of emotions were flying around. Kind of hard.
Today I went to an exercise class and broke the one and only Valentine necklace Mike ever gave me. Normally he would try to give us all a card, candy, or balloon if he was feeling good. In fact he was better with Valentine's Day then Christmas, our anniversary, my birthday or any other special day. With Valentine's Day this week, we are not off to a good start in the emotions department.

Life Goes On

Life has been busy lately, but what is new. We miss out on a lot of life because we are too busy to enjoy it. So I try to enjoy being busy! Rachel has been doing well lately with less anxiety attacks. Even with the minor issues my kids might face, I think I have pretty great kids!
Right now we have a French exchange student with us for three weeks and Alice and Rachel are getting along great. It has been fun to have her here. Our house can be quiet so we have the church kids come over a lot.
I spent last week substituting at the high school in ISS (in school suspension.) It was interesting to see the students that come in. Unfortunately a lot of them come from families that don't seem to care about their student's education. It is sad. Others are just to smart for the average classroom and act up out of boredom. Instead of making them sit quietly, I often engaged them in conversations of history and government issues. It was interesting. I spent some of my time applying for my credentials to be updated and activated so I can actually substitute teach in the classroom. I usually sub in ISS or the office where you don't have to have your teachers certificate. So I am moving forward into new adventures.
Well this week is Valentines Day. During the last 15 years of Mike's illnesses, I learned never to expect anything and then when he did do something it was a pleasant surprise. There were many years he did nothing for my birthday, our anniversary and there were even a few years he didn't even give me a Christmas gift. It was hard for me at first but I learned it was often the disease and not really Mike. What he did or didn't do often depended on how he was feeling. He took himself off his depression meds in November 2007. Christmas 2007 we had 15 people at the house. After all the gifts were opened someone asked what Mike had given me. The answer was nothing, so about an hour after all the gifts were open he gave me a 3x5 card with a picture of a movie camera on it that I wanted and he told me he would buy it for me. It was no surprise to me that I never got the camera from him. As you can see for years I have had to put aside my feelings and realize that Mike's health kept him from being what we would call "normal." One e-mail I received from him in about April of 2008 he said, "I am sincerely sorry for all the pain I have caused you and the children for so many years. My only solace is that I have done the best that I knew how." I think he knew where he fell short and he didn't need us to point it out. We had good times and bad times like all couples. We chose to stay together and stick it out. The only regret I have is that he knew how hard it was for me sometimes and I think that made it harder on him.
So as we approach Valentine's Day, be thankful. Show your family, friends and special someone how much they mean to you without expecting anything back. If we expect something back, we are setting ourselves up for a fall if nothing is given. It is better to give then to receive (although receiving is nice too!)

PS. One of the fun things we did one Valentine's Day was to cut out TONS of hearts and put them all over Mike's car when it was parked somewhere else. He came out to a "heart attack" car. It was cheap, easy and lots of fun.

Beneficiary of a Sad Situation

My husband was a CPA (certified public accountant) and an auto mechanic. I know, it is a strange combination. One of the things he did for Marie and Jeffrey, was to rebuild a car and then give it to them. It happened to be whatever car he got at the time and yes Jeffrey got the better deal. Rachel and Mike always talked about getting a mini cooper and fixing it up. Before we moved, Mike inherited a nice red Jeep that needed a new motor. We drove it to the new place but it never got fixed. Having only one dependable car and two drivers, with Rachel turning 16 in March, I thought it would be a good idea to get the Jeep fixed. We got it back this week and it runs wonderful. I have called it Rachel's car because she will wind up driving it the most. Eventually Mike would have found a car to fix for her anyway.
Rachel said to me the other day, "I am so spoiled." Not really. It is a better car then her siblings got and she did get it at a younger age, but at what cost?
I think that all of us would rather have Mike here and be scraping by like the rest of America. Because of Mike's planning, he set things up properly for us. I have the ability to get a few nice things I have wanted, pay for food and parties for Rachel's and her friends and keep the kids in college and live comfortably. Rachel hardly ever asks for anything. So is she spoiled? No just the beneficiary of a sad situation. We would give all the nice things back if it would mean Mike was here to finish raising the kids with me.
Love your family while you have them. Don't judge others for the choices they make. And finally, go do some good to make a positive difference in the world today.

Emotions Close to the Surface

The last few days have been good, but a lot of things really touched my heart and I shed a few tears. Today completed the sale of my husband's family farm. I have never really been attached to it so I wasn't expecting it to feel so sad. There is nothing left in Eastern Washington to take me over there except for the cemetery. Just a weird feeling.
Speaking of the cemetery, I still haven't even started to get a headstone for Mike's grave. I just haven't been able to deal with that. Maybe it is because it will feel like the final chapter of a favorite book coming to an end. I also can't stand the idea of seeing my name on a gravestone by his. I guess I will have to look at separate markers or something. I just don't want to deal with it yet so I haven't.
On another note, I was touched to see Mike's name listed in the Brigham Young University Magazine under alumni who have passed away. I am sure it is a standard thing for them, but it was special to see. He graduated in 1983 as the top student in the accounting program. There is still a plaque in the Tanner building with his name on it. I have a lot of good memories of our time there.
I also receive a letter from the alumni association today. Mike donated to both Ricks College (BYU-I) and BYU on a regular basis. He had full scholarships to both and his way to pay back what they gave him was to donate so others could have the same opportunities he had received. Due to that support, in this letter it stated that they were going to donate a book to the Herald B Lee Library in his name. It seems like a little thing, but it means a lot.
And finally Rachel and I went to see her therapist (they allow me to go in because Rachel speaks freely around me.) It was a good session but touching. She talked a lot about how we can't do the 'what ifs' or blame ourselves. She talked about how Mike is now free from the pain he was in. It was all stuff I have been stating but it sounded nice coming from a professional. It made us both feel normal to be experiencing some of the stuff that we are experiencing.
We have a long road ahead. Some days are better then others. I usually say I am fine or good when people ask even if it isn't quite the truth. I think I need to learn to let me emotions flow. It is good for the soul. Being able to write freely on this blog has been a great release for me. It also helps to know that people truly do care.

Making it Through Another Week

The last few days have been pretty mellow. I worked today for the school district and that was a nice break. It seems there is always too much paperwork to deal with, but I am wading through it. I decided I need a heavy duty paper shredder! I have so many papers to go through and get rid of.

As for me, I am enjoying my exercise routine and physical therapy. I am learning a lot about why I have knee and hip pain and what I can do to strengthen it. Right now they have my kneecap taped so it will stay where it should and ride smoother. We will see how my knee does in my step class tomorrow! The exercising is a great outlet for me. It helps me feel stronger and refreshed. It involves taking time for myself that I really enjoy. I think it even helps me to stay centered. It is even great therapy.

The kids seem to be doing well. Jeffrey is enjoying his college classes and Marie is enjoying her new place in Utah. I miss my grandson something awful. Rachel is working through finals and holding together pretty well. I am worried about next week when her classes change and she has to get used to a few new teachers. She really struggles in Math and loves her current teacher but she has to move to a different class to fit her Western Civilization class in. Bummer. Math is one of the things that triggers her anxiety attacks. I pray she will do well with the change.

Anxiety is a funny little monster. Rachel is so worried about having an anxiety attack in public that she had learned to control it enough until she is alone with me. Then she lets loose. I think Jeffrey and Marie are the only other people who have seen her have a full blown anxiety attack. This made me ponder something. For almost 20 years Mike kept his depression a secret from everyone around him. I remember telling people and they looked at me like I was crazy. I felt that no one believe me that he had depression. I kind of feel that way again. No one ever sees Rachel having an attack so I feel they don't think it is as bad as I say. It can be very frustrating and I feel bad for Rachel because she is so hard on herself. She goes back to the therapist on Monday and maybe we can get more ideas on how to handle these attacks.

Rachel Blames Herself. . .

Sometimes I don't even know where to start, my thoughts are going in many sporadic directions. Sunday started out as a normal day, but by bedtime everything changed. Rachel was in bed and reminded me to come say prayers. So I did and then went back to getting ready for bed. A few minutes later I heard her crying. So I climbed into bed with her and held her while she cried.

When she finally felt like talking, she mentioned that she was afraid dad's death may have been her fault. I knew how she felt, but I also know that his death was his choice. For the last year we where trying to run two households two hours and a ferry ride apart and it was a big mistake. Mike didn't come over that weekend because he would only be able to come for two days and he was planning to come over the following week on the Forth of July for 5 days. By Sunday night he had already decided to take his own life. He had made that choice. He called us and everyone was home so he talked to each one of us. That really wasn't out of the ordinary. I wish I could remember what I did or didn't say that night but I don't. I remember laughing and having a good conversation. Rachel remembers telling him that it was a waste of money and gas to come over for two days. Looking back it made her feel guilty for telling him that. She thought that if she would have told him to come, he may still be alive today. That is a lot of weight on the shoulders of a teenager. We talked and I assured her that he had already made the decision not to come over, but it still hurt. We just sat on the bed and cried and talked. There is so much of her life he won't see now and it hurts her. I don't know how to be a single parent. It is hard. I don't always know what to say or do. I hope I was a comfort to her.

On Monday night she had an anxiety attack. She freaked out over all the stuff she has to do over the next month and acted as if she had to accomplish it all right now. I was patient, but I still don't know the right thing to say to her. She seems to be having these more often and is having less control over them. You can tell a person to calm down and breath deep but you can't make them. I need to get her back to her counselor but she has no time in her schedule...literally. She leaves the house everyday at 6:40am and on some days gets home at 8 or 9 pm. Drivers Ed started Tuesday night so that may have been the reason for the loss of control on Monday.

I throw myself into my exercising or other hobbies that I don't have to much time to dwell on the past. It is still to tender and hurts. So I move forward in life and live everyday the best I can. I wish I knew how to teach that concept to a teenage.

"Come What May and Love It"

Thank you for your support and positive encouragement. One of my favorite quotes is "Come what may and love it," from a recent talk by Elder Wirthland before he passed away. I had it on a sticky note by my computer. Rachel made a beautiful scrapbook style 8 x 10 of it and framed it for me for Christmas. Usually I do pretty good, but yesterday was just a tough day. It is hard to have Jeffrey go back to college; he is such a strength in our home.

Hard Day

Things have been happening so fast and now it is time to slow down. I'm not sure if I like the fact that I have more time, especially for thinking. We have not been left alone in this house since Mike passed away. My older kids, mom, other family members etc, have been either living with us or coming to visit non-stop. That ended today. This morning my mom & Phil took off after a 5 day visit and then I took my son Jeffrey to the ferry to head to Redmond for a few days before heading back to college.
I didn't think it would be that difficult, but I was close to tears the hour long drive back from the ferry. I tried to call a few friends but it was to hard to talk. I wanted to listen to the radio but the songs where to hard to listen to. I didn't want to think about the future. Suddenly I felt like all this weight was on my shoulders because I am the only adult in the house. If something breaks I have to get it fixed; if there is a problem I have to find the solution; if we get scared...I have to be the brave one. Alone. I really don't like that word. In a way, I couldn't wait to be here by myself in the daytime so I could get lots of stuff done. I still have so much stuff to go through. Rachel is only 15 so she is home after school. She is a great friend to have here right now. I have always been blessed with great kids that have been my friends too. By the way, thanks to wonderful friends who call or write for no reason other then to talk and check up on me. I appreciate it. You are all lifesavers.
But I wasn't expecting these overwhelming emotional feelings to hit me this quickly. I have just wanted to cry all day. I try to be strong for the kids and others, but this time I think I will have to just go cry on Rachel's shoulder. It's my turn.

I miss my grandson too. He was such a joy and blessing to have around.

We Made it Through Christmas

Well we have almost made it through the holidays. The cruise ended today and we are now relaxing at a hotel on the beach for the next few days. It was hard to leave the ship and I still feel like I am in motion!!! We all had a great time on the cruise. Rachel said it was the best vacation ever but the worst Christmas ever. I can understand that. She had two breakdowns where she lost it. One was just sadness of dad not being with us for Christmas. The other was over money. They charged her the adult price for a manicure when she should have received the teen price. Of course she came back to the room hysterical. All I had to do was go talk to them and it was all fixed. Afterwards, she was frustrated with herself for losing control but didn't know how to control it during the attack. It is very hard for her. As always, Jeffrey was able to settle her down.

As for me, it has been a tough week but because I have been surrounded by people, I have kept it all together. I think I am in for a crash again soon. I have been holding things together over the holidays for the kids. In a way I am looking forward to getting back home and settling in to our routine. I am not looking forward to getting back to all the snow!!! Aloha to all my friends and Mahalo for your prayers at this difficult season.

Working Through the Holidays

Well the month of December has been interesting. I have tired to keep busy and not think about what we used to do for the holidays. This year no one wanted to be home. It was time to start new traditions or just do something different. So I planned a Hawaiian Cruise. It has been a great get away. Just Jeffrey, Rachel and I are here in Hawaii. The problem is Rachel is freaking out every time we spend money and that it is starting to make me meserible. I am a positive person, but with that environment around you, it can really drag you down. I wish she could be happy and less stressed about everything.
Anyway, we are having fun most of the time. It is a nice get away, but also hard. Most people are with spouses. I feel like people look at me and the kids and asume I am divorced. And of course we are in beautiful Hawaii and I feel like a misfit next to all the cute skinny tan girls. Speaking of which, I go to the gym almost daily, I had a personal trainer set up a program just for me and I feel really good, but I still look the same. What is with that! I know, I know, it takes time. But people see someone overweight and make judgements. They don't know where they have been or how far they have come. For me it is the fact that I have to do twice as much and work twice as hard just to get the same results the average person gets. Stupid.
Okay, off that thought. The holidays are lonely. There are times I just want to cry but don't because people are around. I don't think my kids understand just how hard all of this has been for me. Everyone tends to worry about themselves. I stay busy taking care of the kids and don't always take care of myself. Nuts, just plain nuts. Mike and I were supposed to do this cruise on our 25th anniversary but we didn't have the money. So now I am here as a single adult with my kids. Sadly different, but I love my kids and I love spending time with them. We do have lots of laughs and most the time things are good. It is just when money is involved, it sends Rachel over the edge. I should be writing about all the cool and fun things we are doing on and off the ship, but I am just a bit down tonight. Oh well, part of it is thinking about my grandson and how lonely the house will be when we get back since they are moving to Utah right now. Time to go back to the cabin and put on a positive face. I hope all those out there enjoying my thoughts have a wonderful Christmas and holiday.

For Every Few Good Days, There is Always a Bad One

After a wonderful Thanksgiving with the kids, things were going pretty good. Then out of no where bang, a bad day hits. I guess that is life. Rachel has been seeing a therapist for her anxiety and it has been a good experience. One of the things we talk about is Rachel's feelings of the "loss of security" due to her dad's passing.
The loss of her dad has caused a lot of different types of insecurities. She stresses over school especially math, she stresses over money, and she stresses over more loss. So when we woke up Friday morning both having had crazy dreams, our day was not off to a good start! Rachel dreamt that we were in a convenient store and some guy got mad at his wife at the pump and shot her and then came in and shot me 4 times. Although I didn't die in her dream, I was innocently shot in front of her and Jeffrey. It was very disturbing to her and she was concerned all day about what if she loses me too. It didn't help that she had a math test too. She went in and started the test during lunch and was still the last one to turn it in at the end of class. As soon as I picked her up from school, she had a melt down. I fed her, hugged her, and just listened. She hadn't eaten all day which is not good for her. Rachel puts way to much pressure on herself.
As for me, I had a good day but I had a crazy dream too. In mine we were stopping at the Redmond house to check on it and we walked in to find Mike packing stuff to take. He had faked his death and was running out on us. I was so mad at him. It was so real and weird. That is the first time I have dreamed about him at all. Dreams are so weird. I don't know what triggered the dreams that night but later on when I talked to Jeffrey, he had a weird dream that same night. He just couldn't remember it anymore. So I guess our subconsciousness's are trying to tell us something??? Who knows. I am SO glad I have a wonderful relationship with my kids. We are always able to talk, cry, hug and laugh together. They have been a great support to me these last few months. It will be sad when Chris and Marie leave at the end of the month with Ethan. I have decided I don't want to work full time until Rachel is done with school. She still needs me to be flexible for her. I hope others are having a good week and great holiday. Hold on to your dreams. . . but not your nightmares!!!!

I Love the Christmas Season

We put most of our decorations up before we left for Thanksgiving. Now we just need some lights up and things will be done. Oh and then there is all the Christmas cards to write. I love this time of year. I love the music, the lights, the spirit of giving, the cookies and the Christmas movies. I love to sit by the fireplace with all the normal lights out and just the Christmas ones glowing, sipping on a cup of peppermint hot cocoa. It is sad not to have someone to intimately share it with. The last several years Mike was too busy to stop and enjoy the season, but at least he was around. It is odd this year not having to discuss Christmas budgets, plans, gifts etc. In a way it is actually kind of nice, but there is still a big hole. Something missing. It is hard to imagine that at the end of December it will be six months since Mike's passing. Sometimes I feel a bit guilty for doing so well. I actually feel more like myself then I have for years. Happier and more at easy. I finally joined a gym and it feels good to work out and spend some time on bettering myself.
As I find myself alone listening to Christmas music, there is often a tear shed. A tear of loneliness, a tear for times past, a tear for things we didn't take time for when we could, and a tear for the uncertainty of the future. It is a lonely place to be, not knowing what lies ahead. So I surround myself with family and friends, enjoy the moment and try not to think to deeply.
I hope you all enjoy the season and appreciate everything and everyone you have. You never know when something or someone might be taken away.

A Great Way to Spend Thanksgiving!

Well the kids all wanted to get away and do something different for Thanksgiving so we did. We are in Victoria BC right now having a blast. Thank you to some wonderful friends for giving us their time share. In two days we have walked all over Victoria sight seeing and eating! In the evening we play games (usually Killer Bunnies) and watch a movie. It is so fun to just hang out with the kids and laugh. For Thanksgiving Dinner we had a fantastic lunch at a Japanese Restaurant in Canada. Now that is different! Then around 5 we went to Milestones for appetizers and dessert. I love good food.
We are getting ready to head down to the gym right now and then off for a day of tourist attractions like the Wax Museum and underwater aquarium. Should be another fun day. So this holiday hasn't been too bad because we have kept busy doing something different. Good way to get through tough times!

Milestones - "Happy Birthday Mike"

Well this week has been fun and long. I worked at the high school which was fun. I had my hips and lower back go out twice which wasn't fun. I learned to play "rock band" on the wii with a fun group of kids. I went to see the midnight show of TWILIGHT with a carload of girls, which was a blast and I dealt with an interesting situation with Rachel at our church youth group. So life is normal and good. My computer freaked out on me too and I lost a folder in my Outlook that had all our holiday activities in it... I hope I can figure it all out again!
Saturday will be a difficult milestone for us. I haven't brought it up so I don't know if the kids remember that Mike's birthday is the 22 of November. I have reminded Rachel several times that we will have a lot of firsts this year. This is one of them. Mike would be 52. In the past, we didn't celebrate Mike's birthday real big, but we would always go out to dinner and have a gift or two. This year I think we are kind of hiding from the normal things. That is why we are taking off for the holidays; we just don't want to do the traditional normal things.
I was frustrated this week when I had car and computer problems and he wasn't here to fix them. Makes me feel a bit helpless. I also haven't been able to deal with putting a marker on the grave yet. It just weirds me out to have a large marker with my name on it too, so I just ignore it. I wish I new someone in Mose Lake that could at least go put flowers on the grave. I hope we all get though tomorrow okay. Maybe I will just keep busy.